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HARRY: So where’s the end of this book? How many stories do you think we have left?
RON: Oh, I’d say a couple. Wanna keep going?
HARRY: Nah, I’m getting sick of reading.
RON: Hey! You can’t just stop! All of the people will get mad!
HARRY: People?
RON: Yeah! The ones out there on the other side of the screen!
HARRY: Oh…THOSE guys. *Grumble*
RON: Fine. I’LL read the next story.
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, Harry, Ron and Hermione were called to Dumbledore’s office.
*CUT TO: HARRY, RON and HERMIONE entering DUMBLEDORE’s study*
HARRY: You wanted to see us, professor?
DUMBLEDORE: Why yes! I need someone to spruce up Hogwarts for Christmas.
HERMIONE: Well, I know the name of a good decorator if you’re in need of one-
DUMBLEDORE: No, you stupid girl; I want YOU three to do it.
RON: US? Why???
DUMBLEDORE: You’re the perfect ones for the job! And, you’re the main characters of the story, which makes you obligated to do all of the enormous tasks.
HERMIONE: Fun.
DUMBLEDORE: So, hop to it!
RON: But…where are the decorations? The lights? The…other stuff?!
DUMBLEDORE: Like we have room here for all of THAT kind of stuff?
HARRY: …We’ll…do our best, professor…
NARRATOR: And so, Harry, Ron and Hermione were tasked with decorating all of Hogwarts for Christmas. And what a task it was. They decided to each work on a specific project “ Hermione would do the decorations, Harry would do the lights, and Ron would get all of the greenery needed.
*CUT TO: RON, out in the Forbidden Forest. He is chopping down a very large tree with an axe*
RON: *Chops*
TREE: *Is chopped*
RON: Why do I have to do all the hard stuff??
*ENTER: HAGRID*
HAGRID: ‘Ello, Ron. What is up?
RON: I need help cutting this tree down! I have to get it into the Great Hall by tomorrow!
HAGRID: I’ll help yeh! *Headbutts tree*
TREE: *Falls over*
RON: Cool! Thanks Hagrid!
HAGRID: *Has brain damage* Glont glention glit!
RON: *Helps HAGRID take the tree inside and then takes the near-unconscious HAGRID to the hospital wing*
NARRATOR: Meanwhile…
*CUT TO: HERMIONE, decorating the castle*
HERMIONE: Decorating is fun when you have magic! *Zaps the tree RON has brought in and it is covered with ornaments*
TREE: *Is a very pretty tree*
HERMIONE: Now, that is a very pretty tree if I do say so myself! Now I think I’ll go do the outside! I wonder if the grounds has any room for inflatable snowmen…*Goes outside*
*CUT TO: HARRY, on the roof, hanging lights. They are little wooden torches with fire that is blue, green, red, and so on, and they are attached together by a cord. Harry is almost finished with the whole castle*
HARRY: This is fun! *Meets up with the end he started with* Now to plug it in and I’ll finally be finished!
PLUGS: *Are both the type with prongs*
HARRY: AAAAAAH!
*CUT TO: HARRY, HERMIONE and RON all meeting in the common room after a long day of working*
HARRY: I finally got all the lights right…they should be coming on any second…
ALL TORCHES IN THE CASTLE: *Suddenly go out due to HARRY’s lights*
HARRY: SON OF A-
HERMIONE: *Interrupts* Well, I got everything decorated…except for the dungeons…I don’t really want to face Professor Snape…
RON: I spent most of the day in the hospital wing with Hagrid. Poor bloke’s got even less of a mind now…
ALL OF THEM: *Sigh*
HARRY: Maybe we should switch jobs! I can get trees and stuff, Hermione can do lights, and Ron, you can decorate!
RON: Good idea!
HERMIONE: Okay!
TIME: *Passes. It is tomorrow…today!*
HERMIONE: *Levitates up to the roof* Okay, time to get to work! *Uses her wand to string all of the torch lights and is done in about ten minutes* That was easy! I think I’ll go see how Harry and Ron are doing! *Turns and walks away, forgetting that she is on a roof*
CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! *Plummets*
*CUT TO: HARRY covering all of the stairs in the moving staircase room thingie with garland, as well as all of the doors to rooms with cute lil’ wreaths*
HARRY *Reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone* “There were a hundred and forty-two staircases at Hogwarts: wide, sweeping ones; narrow, rickety ones; some that led somewhere different on a Friday; some with a vanishing step halfway up that you had to remember to jump.” *Steps off a staircase just as it vanishes, not noticing that it has disappeared.
OTHER STUDENTS ON THE STAIRCASE AND THE GARLAND: *Plummet*
HARRY: *Continuing* “Then there were doors that wouldn’t open unless you asked politely, or tickled them in exactly the right place, and doors that weren’t really doors at all, but solid walls just pretending.” *Hangs a wreath on a door and walks away. The door suddenly vanishes and the wreath falls to the ground, but HARRY doesn’t notice*
HERMIONE: *Suddenly appears next to HARRY, not letting us know how she miraculously saved herself from the plummeting* Hiya Harry! What’s up?
HARRY: Hermione!? How’d you-…you apparated??
HERMIONE: *Scoff* Don’t you remember what I told you in the first book of this story? We’re the main characters! We can do anything and not get sued, because if it weren’t for us and our movie star counterparts, this book series would suck!
ANONYMOUS FEMALE STUDENTS: *To HARRY* Ohmygawd it’s Dan! *Shriek!*
HERMIONE: Anywho…where’s Ron?
HARRY: I’m not sure. I hope that he’s doing a good job decorating…
*CUT TO: RON, in the common room. He has decorated it, but…*
HARRY: You put up EASTER decorations???
HERMIONE: You idiot!
RON: *Next to Easter Tree* Hey look guys! We all got Easter presents! *Takes a large colorful egg from underneath the Easter Tree and hastily cracks it open* I got a chocolate bunny!
HERMIONE: *Annoyed* BOMBARDUM!
EASTER TREE: *Explodes*
RON’S CHOCOLATE BUNNY: *Explodes*
RON: Nooooooooooooooooo! *Picks up the gooey remains of his bunny* Poor Coco…you were too good for this world…*Sniffle*…
HERMIONE: *Turns on her heel and marches out of the common room*
RON: What’s with her?
PARVATI: *Comes up to RON and whispers* PMS…it’s that time of month.
RON: Oh. My. God. Hermione’s a WEREWOLF???
HARRY: Ron, do you know what PMS stands for?
RON: …Poof! Moon Shapeshift….?
PARVATI: Come on Ron. *Takes RON up to the girl’s dorm where he gets a highly descriptive and unneeded lesson about…S-E-X.
RON: *From Girl’s Room* Oh my GOD! THAT’S what happens???
HARRY: *Facepalm*
*CUT TO: Two weeks before Christmas. HARRY, RON and HERMIONE are in DUMBLEDORE’s office*
DUMBLEDORE: Excellent work with the decorations!
HARRY: Thanks Professor.
HERMIONE: It took a lot of work and we are all now failing our classes due to falling asleep in them from exhaustion, but it was worth it!
DUMBLEDORE: Um…about that. We need them down by December 26th.
HARRY: WHAT?? Why????
DUMBLEDORE: We’re already infringing on some of the student’s religious beliefs, and we’ve gotten letters from angry people that say if we don’t take down all of these decorations by after Christmas, they’ll hit us with a lawsuit saying we’re forcing religion.
HARRY: Wow…they’re saying what we’re all thinking!
HERMIONE: Bu-buh-buhhuh-buhhhuhub-buhbbuhhubuhuhbbbb….
RON: Hermione. Shut. Up. I know that you’re postmenstrual-
HERMIONE: *Seething* WHAT? WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT.
RON: *Meekly like a wee little mouse* P-p-arvati…
HERMIONE: *Sends an Avada Kedavra curse her way*
PARVATI: *Kicks the bucket*
RON: Hermione! You just cast an unforgivable!
HERMIONE: How many times have I told you two! You CAN apparate out of Hogwarts! You CAN do illegal stuff and get away with it! GOD!
HARRY: Oh yeah? Then how come I got in trouble for blowing up Aunt Marge and casting a Patronus spell?
HERMIONE: Those were merely plot twists! When nobody’s looking, like in those parts “The Christmas holidays seemed to fly by,” and “Harry’s summer went by in a flash”, THOSE are when you can do all of that stuff!
RON: Oh.
HARRY: Okay, let’s get to work taking down all of this Christmas stuff!
NARRATOR: Harry, Hermione and Ron ended up getting tendonitis from doing all that work. The moral of the story: never work.