Note to readers: Sadly, I am running out of ideas for Christmas stories *Collective Gasp*. If anyone would like to give me a suggestion in a review, please feel free to.
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HARRY: This book seems to go on forever! How many stories are there??
RON: I think an infinite number until the author runs out of ideas.
AUTHOR: Got that right.
HARRY: The next story is called
NARRATOR: This book so far has made fun of a great many things. I think it is time to throw something new into the picture �“ what you delirious Harry Potter fans call “Ships.” Alas, the author of this story cannot please all of you. But, since he is awesome and has taken many hours to write this story, the relationships will be as follows:
Harry & Hermione
Ron & Luna
Don’t like it? Deal with it. They’ll switch around later.
NOW! On with the story!
It was twelve days before Christmas.
RON: *Stupidly* You know what we should do? We should give presents to our girlfriends on these last twelve days! Just like that carol!
HARRY: Okay. But why?
RON: Do you have a better idea for a story?
HARRY: Good point. Let’s think of what we can get Hermione and Luna…
NARRATOR:
My true love gave to me
A ma-gical pot-pour-ri…
*CUT TO: HERMIONE opening a small box*
HERMIONE: I got a present! I wonder who it’s from! *Opens box*
BOX: *Opens. Inside is an assortment of spices and flower petals*
HERMIONE: Awww! Harry’s so sweet!
LUNA: *Comes up to HERMIONE* Did you get one of those too?
HERMIONE: Yeah �“ what’s in yours?
LUNA: Uh…bubotuber pus and tiny mandrake…Ron needs to get a dictionary.
HERMIONE: Yeah. Most people don’t know that a potpourri is a mixture of dried flower petals and spices used to scent the air.
LUNA: Well, it scents the air all right! *Plugs nose*
NARRATOR:
My true love gave to me
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…
HARRY: You think Hermione and Luna’ll like the cauldron cakes?
RON: I know Luna will like mine! They’re classic ones!
HARRY: What do you mean by “classic?”
*CUT TO: LUNA, examining one of RON’s cauldron cakes*
LUNA: Hey! I think this is from our first year!
HERMIONE: Yeah…Ron did always hoard food…
LUNA: This sucks. How long will this go on??
HERMIONE: Ten more days…
LUNA: *Groan!*
NARRATOR:
My true love gave to me
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…
*CUT TO: LUNA and HERMIONE, getting chased by six little brooms*
HERMIONE: ARE THOSE GUYS CRAZY??
LUNA: I’m breaking up with Ron.
HERMIONE: Well…I guess it had to fit the right number of syllables…
LUNA: We’ve gotta talk to them.
*CUT TO: RON, HARRY, LUNA and HERMIONE in the great hall*
HERMIONE: So what’s up with these gifts???
HARRY: Don’t you like ‘em?
LUNA: HELL NO!
RON: Aww, you’re so cute when you’re mad, honey *Kisses LUNA on the forehead and dashes off to get his next gift prepared*
HARRY: I’ll stop for you Hermione…not so sure about Ron though…
LUNA: Why me?
*CUT TO: RON, singing to himself*
RON:
My true love gave to me
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…
HARRY: *Watching RON* I don’t know if Luna’ll want fire crabs Ron…
RON: Nonsense! Who doesn’t like fire crabs!
*CUT TO: LUNA, getting chased by fire crabs*
LUNA: I DO NOT LIKE FIRE CRABS!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!
*ENTER: HERMIONE*
HERMIONE: Hi Luna, what’s-*Sees fire crabs* Ohmigod!
LUNA: Hermione! Help!
HERMIONE: I, uh, would, but for some odd reason my wand is not working! Looks like you’ll have to run about the castle for a while to provide sheer amusement!
LUNA: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! *Continues to run for sheer amusement*
NARRATOR:
My true love gave to me
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…
*CUT TO: LUNA, opening a box. Inside are five brand new, finely polished wands*
LUNA: What? Wands?
*ENTER: RON* Hiya honey! Like your new present?
LUNA: I already HAVE a wand.
RON: I know �“ but I thought you could use five more! And it only cost me my next five summers working at Ollivander’s shop to pay him back!
LUNA: I don’t need these. *Throws them out the window and into the lake*
RON: NOOOOOOOOO! I NEED THOSE!! *Dives into the lake after the wands*
LUNA: I apologize to you readers at the idiocracy of this chapter �“ sadly, the author of the story seems to have run out of ideas.
*ENTER: RON, sopping wet*
RON: I got the wands! The squid attacked me, but using expelliarmus on him with all five of the wands, I think I killed him!
LUNA: *Has a very close attachment to the squid in the lake* WHAT? You KILLED him??? *Is furious*
RON: Yeah! Isn’t that awesome?
LUNA: *Beats RON over the head with a table*
RON: Wwerareafweewjarlesjkalraejwlghelwajtrlejat? *Silly grin, then faints*
LUNA: *Huffy* THAT BOY HAD BETTER GET HIS ACT TOGETHER!
TIME: *Passes*
*ENTER: RON*
RON: *Has forgotten all about what happened yesterday due to receiving a bash by a table*
My true love gave to me
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…
LUNA: *Takes ROSES* Just roses? Wow! You actually did something right!
RON: *Beams with pride and gets a golden sticker*
ROSES: *Come to life and start to sing “Sound of Music”*
LUNA: Huh?
RON: They’re ENCHANTED ROSES! They’ll sing to you!
LUNA: *Mutters indistinctively about using the Avada Kedavra curse on a certain redhead*
*CUT TO: The next day*
LUNA: *Wakes up to see the ROSES singing to her*
ROSES:
My true love gave to me
Seven shooting stars
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…
LUNA: Huh? Shooting stars? *Is suddenly startled to death by seven meteorites that come crashing into the dorm room* HOLY CRAP!
OTHER RAVENCLAWS: *Waking up* Huh? What’s going on??
LUNA: *Embarrassed* Nothing, nothing! Go back to sleep! *Rushes to find RON*
*CUT TO: RON in the great hall. LUNA is running up to him*
LUNA: WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU GET THE IDEA TO SEND ME SHOOTING STARS??? THAT COULD’VE KILLED SOMEONE!
RON: *Giggle*
LUNA: What? What’s so funny?
RON: You’re wearing your jammies!
LUNA: *Realizes she forgot to change out of her nightgown* Ohmigod! *Runs out, turning red*
EVERYONE IN THE GREAT HALL: *Laughs their heads off*
DUMBLEDORE: *At the head table, laughing hysterically* Y’know, ordinarily I’m not supposed to make fun of students…but THAT! WOW!
*CUT TO: LUNA, sobbing at the edge of the lake and saying “Why me??”
LUNA: Why me??
NARRATOR:
LUNA: *To NARRATOR* NO! Don’t say it! Spare me, spare me! *Pleads*
NARRATOR: I’m sorry. I would, but that would upset Ron, who we all know is a much more important character than you.
LUNA: *Grumble*
NARRATOR:
My true love gave to me
Eight crystal balls
Seven shooting stars
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…
LUNA: *Is suddenly holding 8 large CRYSTAL BALLS in her hands* Awk!
CRYSTAL BALLS: *Are dropped*
LUNA: Hey! With these! I can see and prepare for what Ron’s getting me! *Grabs a CRYSTAL BALL* Oh magic crystal ball, can you show me what comes tomorrow?
CRYSTAL BALL: *Displays an “OUT OF ORDER” sign*
LUNA: Meh. Leave it to Ron to get the cheapest one in the store. *Throws the crystal balls into the lake*
*CUT TO: HARRY, talking to RON*
HARRY: Maybe you should stop giving Luna all of this stuff, Ron.
RON: NONSENSE! Luna loves it!
HARRY: …
RON: I can just tell by the way she’s been acting lately!
HARRY: You mean all the crying?
RON: Exactly! Tears of joy!
*ENTER: HERMIONE*
HERMIONE: Hmmm…no good humor fanfic is complete without someone falling. Have we had anyone falling yet?
HARRY: I don’t think so.
HERMIONE: Okay. Just checking. *Throws NEVILLE out a window*
NEVILLE: WHAT THE @#$%! *Acts very out of cannon* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-*Splat*
HERMIONE: *Looks out the window at his broken remains* You think that was funny enough?
HARRY: I’m not sure. Better do another one in case.
HERMIONE: You’re the boss. *Throws SNAPE out a window*
SNAPE: AAAAAAAAAH! YOU @#$%ing kids! I’m gonna @#$% your @#$ until you @#$%^%#$$*()#(*$&@(*&#@)#^@!!!!!!!!!!!! *Dies*
HERMIONE: That was amusing. *Giggle*
RON: That was just a load of filler if you ask me. *Giggle also*
*CUT TO: LUNA in a classroom making a PINEAPPLE tap-dance across a desk*
PINAPPLE: *Suddenly starts to sing*
My true love gave to me
Nine chocolate frogs
Eight crystal balls
Seven shooting stars
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…
LUNA: Oh great.
NINE CHOCOLATE FROGS: *Suddenly come into the room and start hopping about*
PINEAPPLE: *Flees for its safety*
LUNA: Aah! Stop moving! Who the heck invented these stupid things anyway!?!?
NINE CHOCOLATE FROGS: *Are very offended at being called stupid and go into LUNA’s hair*
*ENTER: HERMIONE*
HERMIONE: Sup Luna?
LUNA: Hermione! Help! I think that the nine chocolate frogs are nesting in my hair!
NINE CHOCOLATE FROGS: *Are indeed nesting in LUNA’s hair and are picking out some nice wallpaper for the place*
HERMIONE: Yep. They seem pretty content.
LUNA: GET ‘EM OUT!
HERMIONE: *Sigh* Oh all right! *Gets the NINE CHOCOLATE FROGS out of LUNA’s hair*
NINE CHOCOLATE FROGS: *Are upset that they didn’t pass escrow but go to find a nice condo in DUMBLEDORE’s beard*
*CUT TO: LUNA in the fetal position on her bed*
ROSES: *Begin singing*
My true love gave to me
Ten his’try books
Nine chocolate frogs
Eight crystal balls
Seven shooting stars
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…
TEN HIS’TRY (Pronounced ‘HIS-TREE’) BOOKS: *Suddenly fall on LUNA*
LUNA: ACKPTH!
HERMIONE: *Is jealous* HEY! I want more copies of ‘Hogwarts: A History’ too! *Whines*
LUNA: Take them! Take them all! I get enough history from Professor Binns’ class!
HERMIONE: Y’know, he’s a very overlooked professor.
LUNA: Duh. He’s dead. And he’s boring.
HERMIONE: You have a point. *Gathers her beloved history books and skips away happily*
LUNA: Wait a minute…how did she get in here?
*CUT TO: HARRY and HERMIONE “snogging” (I’m still not used to that word) in the back of transfiguration class*
RON: *Slides up to them* Hi guys!
HERMOINE: *Immediately pulls away, causing HARRY to bonk his head on hers. She doesn’t feel it because of all of her bushy hair* WHAT? What do you want??
RON: Oh, nothing. Just came to chat.
HARRY: We were…er…sort of in the middle of something!
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: *Patiently waits for them to finish their conversation*
ANONYMOUS STUDENT: Um…Professor…why are you letting them just talk?
MCGONAGALL: They’re the main characters! DUH! I have to let them do what they want or else they’re use their Ultimate Magic Powers to get back at me.
ANONYMOUS STUDENT: Oh. *Continues to wait, along with MCGONAGALL and the rest of the class*
RON: So do you think LUNA likes my gifts?
HERMIONE: Um…
RON: Great! I’ll send the next one right away! *Goes to send the next one right away*
HARRY: That boy is hopeless.
HERMIONE: Yep. Okay, you may continue Professor!
MCGONAGALL: Thank you Hermione! *Continues*
*CUT TO: LUNA scribbling with chalk on the dorm room walls, hair all messy and her eyes bloodshot*
LUNA: *Mutters* Potpourri...cauldron c-cakes...flying brooms...fire crabs...bloody magic wands...
NARRATOR:
My true love gave to me
Eleven extra classes
Ten his’try books
Nine chocolate frogs
Eight crystal balls
Seven shooting stars
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…
LUNA: WHAT? ELEVEN EXTRA CLASSES?
NARRATOR: That’s right! Your boyfriend has graciously signed you up for eleven extra classes! And to help you do that, here is your very own TIME TURNER! Woot!
LUNA: *Catches a time turner that falls from somewhere* Maybe I should go back in time and strangle him while he’s still young. *Grumble grumble*
NARRATOR: You’re really getting sick of this, aren’t you.
LUNA: Ya think??
NARRATOR: Oh all right, we’ll skip to the final day. Just for you.
TIME: *Passes*
LUNA: *Wakes up*
ROSES: *Burst into song*
LUNA: Oh thank god. This is it.
ROSES: Ahem…
My true love gave to me
Twelve shots of Crucio
Eleven extra classes
Ten his’try books
Nine chocolate frogs
Eight crystal balls
Seven shooting stars
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…
LUNA: Great. *In pain* Twelve *In pain* shots *In pain* of *In pain* Crucio. *In pain* *In pain* *In pain* *In pain* *In pain* *In pain* *In pain* *In pain* I am going to kill him.
*CUT TO: HARRY and HERMIONE talking*
HARRY: Well, it’s Christmas.
HERMIONE: Yup.
HARRY: Ron’s done with his gifts.
HERMIONE: Yup.
HARRY: And Luna’s probably furious with him.
*ENTER: LUNA, chasing RON*
RON: But honey! I only-
LUNA: YOU ONLY NOTHING, YOU PIECE OF CRAP! WE’RE THROUGH! I CAN’T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY WENT OUT WITH YOU!
HERMIONE: Yup.