Warning: A part of this chapter may make a yucky mental picture in your mind (nothing serious, just Snape drunk).
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HARRY: Okay, this IS pretty funny. Can you imagine? Snape getting thrown out a window! *Giggle*
RON: Let’s keep reading! It’s getting INTERESTING now!
HERMIONE: *Playing a guitar and singing*
Walkin’ home from Hogwarts Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Harry, we believe.
He had had too much but-ter beer
And we told him not to go
He forgot his treacle fudge crap
As he staggered out the door into the snow.
When we found him Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack
There were hoof prints on his trench coat
And incriminating “Claus” marks on his back.
Hagrid got run over by a reindeer
Walkin’ home from Hogwarts Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Harry, we believe…
*To audience* You’re probably wondering what’s that all about. Well, it’s a long, complicated story. Better get comfortable.
It all started last night, on Christmas Eve…
*CUT TO: The Great Hall. Everyone is feasting on magic beast*
HARRY: Happy Christmas everyone!
RON: And a joyous New Year!
HERMIONE: And…all that other junk. *Sips mimosa*
RON: So, what’dja get me for Christmas Harry? Huh huh huh??
HARRY: *Pats RON’s head* You’ll find out tomorrow.
RON: Awwww…I want it NOW!! *Pouts*
HAGRID: *Comes over to HARRY, RON and HERMIONE, a bit woozy* Hi guys! Wazzup?
HERMIONE: Hagrid, are you all right?
HAGRID: Of course I am!! Why wouldn’t I be?
HARRY: There’s a flobberworm eating your hand.
HAGRID: *Holds up his hand. There is indeed a flobberworm eating it* Bugger. *Throws flobberworm onto the Slytherin table* That’s better.
RON: Hagrid, how much butterbeer have you HAD?
HAGRID: Oh, just twenty…
RON: Twenty…that sure is a lot of mugs…
HAGRID: No, I means twenty kegssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…*Hiccup*
HARRY: Hagrid! Why on earth would you drink that much!
HAGRID: Snape challenged me to a drinking contest. Guess who won?
HARRY: *Looks over at SNAPE, who is flirting with MCGONAGALL*
SNAPE: *To MCGONAGALL* Wow…both of yous is veeeeeeery pretty…are you twins??
MCGONAGALL: Pardon me, Professor Snape?
SNAPE: Take me now, you sexy old hag! *Smooches her*
MCGONAGALL: PROFESSOR SNAPE!!! *Slap*
SNAPE: Ow……so…maybe some other time?
MCGONAGALL: *Storms away*
SNAPE: I’ll call you!
*CUT TO: HARRY, RON, HERMIONE and HAGRID again*
RON: I’m…guessing you lost.
HAGRID: Yeh…*Sob*
HARRY: Well you shouldn’t go home in this condition. It’s snowy and cold and really really dark!
HAGRID: NONSENSE! I only live down the lane…I’ll be fine.
HERMIONE: No! You can’t! You might get pewnomia!
RON: Or AIDS!
HARRY: Just ask Professor Dumbledore if you can stay the night.
HAGRID: Don’t be silly. I can make it.
RON: Oh all right! But don’t forget your bloody fudge.
HAGRID: Nobody ate it?
HERMIONE: Well, the few people who were stupid enough to are in the hospital wing and about to be put into body bags.
HAGRID: Rats. That’s the second time that’s happened. *Gathers his fudge* Well, I be goin’ now…Toodlooooooooo….*Leaves*
HERMIONE: I’m worried about him. Maybe one of us should accompany him.
RON: Nah, he’s capable of handling things by himself.
*CUT TO: Tomorrow morning. HARRY and HERMIONE are leaving the great hall to go make sure HAGRID’s okay*
HARRY: I can’t believe Ron didn’t want to come?
HERMIONE: He had ice cream last night. You know that makes him sleepy.
HARRY: Too true. Hey…what’s that? *Sees something in the snow*
HERMIONE: I don’t know! *Runs to lump* Ohmigod! It’s…Hagrid!
HARRY: WHAT?
HERMIONE: And here’s a note!
HARRY: *Takes note* “I’m sorry you’re dead. Signed, S.C.”
HERMIONE: S.C.... who’s S.C.?
HARRY: Look! A clue! *Points to hoof marks on HAGRID’s jacket*
HERMIONE: *Inspects HOOF MARKS*
HOOF MARKS: *Have “Reindeer “ Property of Santa Claus” imprinted in them*
HERMIONE: I just can’t figure it out!
HARRY: Hey! I think it was Santa Claus!
HERMIONE: Of course! It all makes sense! Wow! Santa Claus is real!
HARRY: You believe in fairies, unicorns, goblins, ghosts, and all sorts of stuff, but you didn’t believe in Santa??
HERMIONE: Yep. But now there’s proof that he exists! What a great day!
HARRY: But Hagrid’s DEAD!
HERMIONE: Oh, right, yes. Very very sad.
HARRY: *Speechless*
*CUT TO: Funeral for HAGRID*
HERMIONE: *Singing to herself*
He’s been taking this quite well
Sittin’ up there reading Prophets
Drinking butterbeer and looking not so swell.
It’s not Christmas without Hagrid
All the staff is dressed in black
And they just can’t help but wonder
Should they open up his gifts or send ‘em back?
Hagrid got run over by a reindeer
Walkin’ home from Hogwarts Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Harry, we believe.
Well, the whole school’s upset about Hagrid’s “mysterious” death…except those stupid Slytherins. They’re holding a party.
SLYTHERINS: *Blow noisemakers and throw confetti*
HERMIONE: And Dumbledore’s up there, waiting to start the funeral, checking up on his Horoscope.
DUMBLEDORE: *Reads his horoscope* “Today the half-giant you let stay at your school after he was expelled will die.” *Sigh*
HERMIONE: Okay, everyone’s in place. Time to start.
DUMBLEDORE: I always had a special saying for Hagrid…grandiculus belua bardus. He never understood it, thank god.
HERMIONE: *Gasp*
HARRY: What? What does it mean?
HERMIONE: If I’m right…I think it means…“Big Brute is Stupid.”
RON: Well…that’s…something.
HARRY: Well…he WAS sort of a big stupid brute.
HERMIONE: Yeah.
RON: I guess we ALL secretly hated Hagrid.
HARRY: Too true.
DUMBLEDORE: Hagrid was very special to all of us. Many of us, special needs.
HERMIONE: What the heck? Is he really saying this??
DUMBLEDORE: We will remember him forever, and his body shall be returned to whence it came from. The Hogwarts Lake.
HARRY: What did he say?
DUMBLEDORE: That is all. You may return to whatever you were doing. Oh, Merry Christmas!! *Smile*
*CUT TO: HARRY, HERMIONE and RON visiting HAGRID’s grave*
HERMIONE: I’m gonna miss Hagrid. And I’m gonna miss you guys.
HARRY: Huh?
HERMIONE: I have to leave in a couple of days.
RON: What? Why??
HERMIONE: Well, I was writing a song about this experience, and I sent it in to a record company to see if I could get rich off of it, but a different version very similar to mine was already written, and now I’m going to jail for plagiarism.
HARRY: “Other version?” I’ve never heard of another version.
HERMIONE: Apparently it’s about someone’s grandma.
RON: Whateva.
HERMIONE: I’ll be in the same prison as Martha Stewart.
HARRY: You mean that freaky-deaky American muggle that was obsessed with décor?
HERMIONE: Yep. It’s gonna be hell.
RON: Well, I had a happy Christmas. I got this new thing called a computer, and already I’m bilingual!
HARRY: Oh?
RON: Yah “ well, ttyl u guyz. OMG my new comps awsum.Im gunna go ownz 0n 1nt3rn3t gamz. TTFN.
HARRY: …
HERMIONE: AND GOD BLESS EVERYONE!
AUTHOR: P.S.: So you know what the whole thing sounds like, here's the full song that got Hermione hard time.
Walkin’ home from Hogwarts Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Harry, we believe.
He had had too much but-ter beer
And we told him not to go
He forgot his treacle fudge crap
As he staggered out the door into the snow.
When we found him Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack
There were hoof prints on his trench coat
And incriminating “Claus” marks on his back.
Hagrid got run over by a reindeer
Walkin’ home from Hogwarts Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Harry, we believe.
Now we’re all proud of Dumbledore
He’s been taking this quite well
Sittin’ up there reading Prophets
Drinking butterbeer and looking not so swell.
It’s not Christmas without Hagrid
All the staff is dressed in black
And they just can’t help but wonder
Should they open up his gifts or send ‘em back?
Hagrid got run over by a reindeer
Walkin’ home from Hogwarts Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Harry, we believe.