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A Very Harry Christmas by Jase

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Based on "The Nutcracker" by Tchaikovsky. I did not write that story/play, and I did not make the Harry Potter characters or Mountain Dew™.

This story, like practically every other fanfiction story on this site, features James, Lily, etc. instead of Harry, Hermione and Ron. It's a change from the other stories, but I thought "The Nutcracker" would be a good one for Lily and James.

Also, my offer for suggestions is still open! Any you send will be considered and rejected and/or used!

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HARRY: That one was….weird.

RON: Depressing. *Pause*

HARRY: *Pause also*

RON: Okay! Next one!

THE NUTCRACKED


NARRATOR: Once upon a time, there was a little girl by the name of Lily. She loved Christmastime. And one year, she got a very special present.

LILY: Oh Granpapa, do I get my presents yet?

GRANPAPA: Oh, be patient little one!

LILY: NO!! I WANT MY PRESENT NOW! WAAAAAAAAAAH!

GRANPAPA: Oh all right you little brat! *Throws LILY a box and runs away before his eardrums break*

LILY: YAY! *Rips off paper* It’s a… nutcracker?

NUTCRACKER: *Has a strikingly similar appearance to James Potter*

LILY: Why the heck would I need a nutcracker? *Suddenly becomes interested in her GRANDPAPA’s WAND* Hey! What’s this weird stick thing? *Points it at a mirror* It looks fun!

WAND: *Suddenly shoots off*

LILY: Oops.

WAND’S MAGIC: *Ricochets off the mirror and hits the NUTCRACKER, then bounces off the NUTCRACKER and hits LILY*

LILY: Ow! Hey! ….uh oh…I feel funny…*Starts to shrink*

*CUT TO: A small LILY standing amongst large presents*

LILY: Aaah! I shranked! And now I can’t open any of my presents! *Starts to cry*

NUTCRACKER: *Is alive* Don’t be sad! It will be okay!

LILY: AAAAAAH! POSSESSED NUTCRACKER! *Judos the NUTCRACKER’s arm off*

NUTCRACKER: Hey! I’ve only got two of those!

LILY: You’re not an evil possessed nutcracker?

NUTCRACKER: NO! I was GONNA try to help you! Until you chopped my arm off!

LILY: Oops. Sorry. *Puts NUTCRACKER’s arm back on*

NUTCRACKER: *Smug* Thank you.

LILY: So…what now?

NUTCRACKER: Well, we wait for the evil dude to attack us and then he kidnaps you and then I go and save you!

LILY: Oh joy.

NUTCRACKER: *Checks his watch* …which should be in about five…four…three…two…

EVIL DUDE: *Suddenly appears* HA! You! You girl!

LILY: What.

EVIL DUDE: You will come with me and be my Queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

LILY: Uh, I think not!

EVIL DUDE: *Comes out of the shadows*

NUTCRACKER: It’s you! My old nemesis! The Rat King! A.K.A. WORMTAIL!

LILY: I thought you knew what was gonna happen.

NUTCRACKER: Well, uh…yeah.

WORMTAIL: Bwahahaha! *Grabs LILY*

LILY: Help! HELP! YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING NUTCRACKER!

NUTCRACKER: Just a minute, just a minute! *Is tying his shoe*

WORMTAIL: *Takes LILY away*

LILY: *Is taken away*

NUTCRACKER: Rats.

*CUT TO: THE RAT KING (A.K.A. WORMTAIL)’s lair. WORMTAIL has tied up LILY and is waiting for the NUTCRACKER*

WORMTAIL: So…how’ve you been?

LILY: Oh…can’t complain.

WORMTAIL: Read any good books lately?

LILY: Why yes! This really interesting one, it’s about-

*ENTER: NUTCRACKER*

NUTCRACKER: UNHAND THAT HUMAN GIRL!

WORMTAIL: *Sigh* And right when I was having an actual conversation with someone!

NUTCRACKER: *Pulls out wand*

WORMTAIL: *Also pulls out wand*

NUTCRACKER: I challenge you to a duel!

WORMTAIL: A WIZARD’S duel?

NUTCRACKER: Is there any other kind?

LILY: Hoo boy.

NUTCRACKER: *Begins the duel* Expelliarmus!

WORMTAIL: *Dodges* Rictusempra!

NUTCRACKER: Mimblewimble!

SPELLS: *Hit each other and cause a gimungous explosion*

NUTCRACKER: AAH! Shrapnel!

WORMTAIL: AAH! 3rd degree burns! *Runs away, whining and crying*

LILY: *Unties herself* Wowza. That was interesting.

NUTCRACKER: Lily! I’m dying!

LILY: You’re a nutcracker. How can you die?

NUTCRACKER: *Seems to die* HURK!

LILY: Oh. He IS dead. Poo.

NARRATOR: When all hope seemed lost, a magical creature suddenly appeared!

MYSTERIOUS ORB: *Appears and starts to glow*

LILY: What th-….

MYSTERIOUS ORB: *Turns in to none other than REMUS, wearing his regular clothes but he has fairy wings coming out of his back. He is the Sugar Plum Fairy*

LILY: Who are YOU?

REMUS: I’m the Sugar Plum Fairy!

LILY: Can you help my friend?

REMUS: Of course! He’s just knocked out, but by giving him Mountain Dew™, a drink LOADED with caffeine, he’ll get right up!

LILY: Sweet.

REMUS: *Waves his wand. A bottle of Mountain Dew™ appears over the NUTCRACKER’s mouth and it pours into it. Instantly the NUTCRACKER wakes up*

NUTCRACKER: Woah! What happened!?

LILY: This sugar plum dude saved you.

NUTCRACKER: Hey! I know you! Remus!

REMUS: *Sigh* Hi James.

NUTCRACKER: Wow. Look at you. You always WERE the girly one.

REMUS: *Rolls up his sleeves angrily* Why I oughta…

LILY: Okay okay…I hate to break up this…charming…reunion, but we have to get out of here!

REMUS: Okay! *Poofs up a cell phone and calls someone* Yeah…I need help…get the sleigh.

*ENTER: Another MYSTERIOUS ORB*

MYSTERIOUS ORB: *Turns into SIRIUS*

NUTCRACKER: Oh, Sirius. He got you too?

SIRIUS: *Eye Roll* Hey, I needed the extra cash, and Remus said he knew a good job, so…

NUTCRACKER: Good lord.

LILY: Okay, can we just go??

SIRIUS: Hang on, we’ve gotta finish this.

REMUS: James, we’ve worked our butts off this year while YOU’VE just hung out, acting all cool and smarmy, and-

NUTCRACKER: “SMARMY?” God Remus, been reading the dictionary lately?

SIRIUS: Well at least he DID something! You lazy bum, you’re an embarrassment to the Marauders!

REMUS: Oooo! Buuuurn!

NUTCRACKER: That hurt. You’re goin’ down. *Dives for SIRIUS*

SIRIUS: *Flies up and away from the NUTCRACKER using his little girly fairy wings* These things actually come in handy! Now all you have to do is admit that Remus and I are smarter, cooler, and generally better than you.

NUTCRACKER: How ‘bout not.

REMUS: Guys! Guys! Can’t we all agree that we are ALL much much better than that Wormtail scum?

SIRIUS: *Thinks*

NUTCRACKER: *Thinks*

SIRIUS: I’m okay with that.

NUTCRACKER: Yeah, me too.

REMUS: FINALLY! We’re getting somewhere.

LILY: HEY! EVERYONE! I’M THE FREAKIN’ MAIN CHARACTER OF THE STORY, SO SHUT UP AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

REMUS: O-o-okay…

LILY: So can we GO now??

SIRIUS: Sure. Hop in.

LILY: *Gets in the sleigh with the NUTCRACKER. REMUS and SIRIUS wave their wands, and in an instant, everything goes white*

*CUT TO: LILY, lying on the floor where she was at the beginning of the story. She is normal sized, and the NUTCRACKER that looks strikingly similar to James Potter is on the ground next to her*

LILY: *Wakes up* Huh? What happened? *Sees clock. No time has passed* W-…was it all a dream? *Looks at NUTCRACKER* You didn’t really come to life, did you?

NUTCRACKER: *Is not alive*

LILY: I could’ve sworn…Nah. Nutcrackers are useless. *Throws it into the fire*

NUTCRACKER: *Screams in pain, but LILY doesn’t hear him*

NARRATOR: And that, my friends, is how Lily Evans spent her Christmas. And what a fine Christmas it was.

LILY: I’d better burn my Grandpapa’s weird stick too, so it’s foul and evil purposes can never affect me ever ever again!

*ENTER: GRANDPAPA, seeing LILY burn his…you-know-what*

GRANDPAPA: LILY!! NOOOOOOOOO!

LILY: What?

GRANDPAPA: YOU STUPID UGLY GIRL! YOU DESTROYED THE SOURCE OF MY POWER!!

LILY: What? Did that stick thing have pot in it or something?

GRANDPAPA: Uh…yes?

LILY: I’m gonna have to turn you in then Grandpapa!

GRANDPAPA: Wait! I mean no! I mean…just shut up.

LILY: Yes sir!

THE END