I saw it happen.
I saw my best friend killed, and no one saw me.
There are reasons that the Fidelius charm is so rarely used. It is immensely powerful – no doubt about that – but it’s not some miraculous wonder-spell, like everyone seems to think. It has its downsides, too.
Maybe if we had picked a different Secret Keeper, someone less obvious, maybe it would have been different. When you choose the person to whom you will be entrusting your life, you have to consider more than just loyalty and bravery. You need someone who trusts you more than he trusts himself. You need someone who can admit he is afraid. You need someone humble. Someone willing to keep out of the action, to hide himself as well as you.
I don’t think Gryffindors make the best secret keepers.
There is the odd one out who possesses these qualities, but most Gryffindors I know – including me – would rather risk death in battle than ensure safety through hiding. Even when staying alive is of the utmost importance.
And Sirius Black is the quintessential Gryffindor. You just can’t keep him down. He would as soon spit in Voldemort’s face as breathe – that is just the way he is. Or, was.
I don’t reckon he planned on dying.
He was sure he could handle it himself. We begged and pleaded with him to lie low for a while, maybe stay with Lupin, but he wouldn’t hear of it. I think he suspected old Moony was the traitor. He never said as much, but I could guess. Subtlety was never one of his strengths.
At one point, he tried to convince us to change secret keepers, as a kind of bluff. He was aware that he was an obvious target. I know he wasn’t afraid for himself – he just liked the thought of messing with Voldemort’s mind. Tempting, I will admit, but too risky. Eventually, he gave up the idea.
If only we had listened.
Is it possible to love someone too much? “Too much for what?” I can hear Moony asking, ever the student. The intellectual one. I wish he were here…but of course it cannot be. He might be the spy.
Maybe I loved Sirius too much for his own good. He was my brother. I can’t help but wonder…had I cared about him less, would I have been able to see more clearly? Would I have known not to force Sirius to fight his own nature?
In a way, Lily and I literally loved him to death.
If Sirius could hear me talking like this, he would knock me on the head and say that I cannot think that everyone is my responsibility, as since the universe could not possibly be so poorly designed.
And now Sirius is dead. I watched it happen. He would have been disappointed – his death wasn’t nearly as glamorous as he would have liked. A high cackling laugh, a reckless taunt, a flash of green light…at least he was able to insult Voldemort once before the end. I’m sure he enjoyed that.
He should never have been our secret keeper. He didn’t have the temperament. I should have known better. Lily trusted as well, but once she tried to warn me…I remember hotly defending Sirius, saying that he would single-handedly fight off spies, Death Eaters, and even Voldemort himself to protect us. She looked at me with troubled eyes and asked, “But can he protect us from himself?” I thought he could. But even for us, Sirius couldn’t overcome his nature. It was too much for him.
It scares me. I don’t know who else I might be trusting blindly.
Not all our trust was unfounded – Sirius never betrayed us. But Fidelius is a dangerous charm. If only one person, the secret keeper, knows your location, and he is killed…
It is a rather morbid thought, to know that we came so close to walking the earth unseen for the rest of our days. But Sirius did his research, at least. He knew the risks involved and took the right precautions when it became necessary. I thank him for that now, and always will, in my heart.
He promised us, when we performed the charm, that if he ever found himself in mortal danger, he would tell just one person our secret, so we would not become lost to the world if he did not survive. Lily always hoped he would tell Remus. I knew better.
Dumbledore would have been his first choice, but no matter how powerful that wizard is, he cannot be in two places at once – and when Sirius needed to give him the information, Dumbledore was taking out Death Eaters halfway across London.
Thank God that Sirius was with another man I can trust, at the end.
At the end…He is dead. I saw it happen, and I couldn’t stop it. My best friend, my brother…At least Lily is alive. At least Harry is protected.
Thank God he was with Peter. Our secret will be safe with him.