Disclaimer: Background story, characters, most of the plot, etc. belongs to JKR...parts of the dialogue in the hospital are also hers.
With a heavy sigh, Nymphadora Tonks gazed reproachfully at her own reflection in the mirror before her. Her large, dull brown eyes stared back at her accusingly while her lips tightened into a thin line. Reaching up, she brushed a strand of her limp, mousy hair away from her pale skin to reveal streaks of dried blood along her hairline. Eyes narrowing, she let her hair fall back down over her forehead to cover the blood.
"Tonks!"
Jumping with surprise, Tonks spun on her heel, eyes searching for the source of the voice wildly. Her shoulders slumped slightly when she realised who had called her name: A tall, bedraggled-looking man in his thirties who, on the surface, appeared as if he had been drained of all life. He was sitting on a wooden stool next to a low hospital bed upon which another man lay. Also crowded around the bed were two girls and a red-haired boy.
"Tonks," he repeated, finally turning around to look at her, "come over here."
Repressing to urge to burst into tears at the sight of the man who'd summoned her, Tonks shrugged wearily and began to slowly walk over to him. As she moved past rows of clean hospital beds, she tried not to look at them, fixing her gaze on the floor instead. At last, she settled herself on another wooden stool across the bed from the man and clasped her hands nervously on her lap.
"Are you okay?" he asked softly.
Tonks shrugged again, looking determinedly down at her clutched hands. She had no desire whatsoever to talk to him at the moment and, as she thought with a bitter smile, why should she? He was the one who had avoided her presence ever since she admitted to him 11 months ago the secret she had been protecting for years.
"Answer me," he said, his voice firmer this time.
Once again, Tonks ignored him, although she could feel hot tears pricking at the insides of her eyelids. He didn't know how much it killed her every time she was forced to watch him struggle to be strong without being able to help him, every time she was near enough to touch him but could not. Let him feel it too, she thought angrily.
"Tonks, you're worr-"
He was suddenly interrupted by the bang of the hospital door being forcefully pushed open, followed by the arrival of another two teenagers. Jumping up, the man who had just been talking to Tonks hurried over to the boy and girl. The moment he met up with them, they began muttering together. A few seconds later, they arrived at the bed. The anxious expressions on their faces proved that the news they bore was not good.
Tonks tuned out of their conversation as they began talking about the injuries Bill, the young man who lay on the bed she currently sat beside, had sustained. She gazed sadly down at his once-handsome, now disfigured by long, bloody scratches and cuts, face. The nurse, Madam Pomfrey, was applying a foul-smelling, green paste to his wounds, but so far, there had been no progress. At the moment, no one doubted that he would never recover.
"...Dumbledore owes him, he can't leave him in this state-"
"Ron - Dumbledore's dead."
Simultaneously, five heads shot up to stare in disbelief at the red-haired girl who had delivered this news.
"No!" cried the man who had brought the two newcomers over to the bed.
At this, Tonks finally found the courage to speak. When she did, it was in a whisper that, though barely audible, was easily heard by the people surrounding her. "How did he die? How...did it happen?"
She tried to listen as Harry began a recount of how a man they had trusted, Severus Snape, had murdered Dumbledore. Dumbledore, the greatest wizard any of them had ever known. Not just the greatest wizard; the greatest man who had ever set foot in this school. Harry's words were barely registering in her mind; she was too numb, too shocked, to even comprehend what he was saying.
And then, rising out of the darkness, piercing the thick layer of anguish that had fallen over the room, came the lament of a phoenix. Shakily raising her head, Tonks' mouth fell open as the beautiful melody floated in through the open windows and filled her ears. A chill ran down her spine, and she felt her heart swell with grief. It was unlike anything she had ever heard. Everyone in the room was silent; each person had their head bowed, and it was evident that they were experiencing the same reaction to the phoenix's song as Tonks was.
After a few minutes of silence, the conversation started up again, more tense and aggrieving than before. Unable to say or do anything, Tonks sat frozen to her seat. The sound of everyone's voices mixing together faded away into a dull buzz as she stared, eyes unfocused, at Bill's distorted features. None of this could be happening. No, it wasn't possible. Death Eaters in the school despite the tightened security, Bill's future gone after one attack, and...and Dumbledore dead...It couldn't be true.
And yet even as Tonks struggled to convince herself that she was dreaming some terrible nightmare, the truth seeped into her mind like the cold morning mist, suffocating all other explanations she could come up with. It was done. The battle had begun.
At last, she was able to shake her head and regain her senses temporarily to share her part of the story of the attack. All eyes turned to her when she cleared her throat, but as she began to talk, she continued to stare down at Bill.
"We were in trouble, we were losing," she said, feeling oddly detached from her voice. "Gibbon was down, but the rest of the Death Eaters seemed ready to fight to the death..."
The rest of the story she narrated monotonously. When she finished speaking, she felt empty and hollow as if simply reliving the fight had been asking for too much from her. She conversed with the rest of them for a few minutes on what had happened, then fell silent. All of this was more than Tonks could stand; it was as if her heart was going to break under the strain of the evening's events. Never before, not even as an Auror, had she experienced anything as emotionally draining as this.
Suddenly, Mr and Mrs Weasley, the parents of Ginny, Ron, and Bill, rushed into the hospital, followed by Bill's fiancé Fleur. Mrs Weasley was frantically holding down her pointed hat while running as fast as her legs could carry her over to the bed.
"Bill....Oh, Bill!" she whispered, horror etched in every line on her face as she stared apprehensively down at her son's mangled face.
With that, the conversation abruptly switched to Bill's condition. Tonks watched unfeelingly as, with tears streaming down her face, Mrs Weasley threw herself over Bill's body while Fleur looked on numbly and Mr Weasley conversed with Madam Pomfrey in low tones.
"...and he was g-going to be married!" sobbed a hysterical Mrs Weasley.
"And what do you mean by zat?" questioned Fleur suddenly. She was standing on the opposite side of the bed, her hands on her hips while she glared at Mrs Weasley. "What do you mean, ''e was going to be married?'"
Surprised, Mrs Weasley looked up. "Well - only that -"
"You theenk Bill will not wish to marry me anymore?" interrupted Fleur, looking furious. "You theenk, because of these bites, he will not love me?"
Looking taken aback, Mrs Weasley opened her mouth to reply. "No, that's not what I -"
"Because 'e will!" exclaimed Fleur dramatically. "It would take more zan a werewolf to stop Bill loving me!"
"Well, yes, I'm sure, but I thought perhaps - given how - how he -"
"You thought I would not weesh to marry him? Or per'aps, you hoped?" Fleur now looked positively enraged as she crossed her arms and stared defiantly at Bill's mother. "What do I care how he looks? I am good-looking enough for both of us, I theenk! All these scars show is zat my husband is brave!"
Tonks suddenly felt as though she had been dunked in a pool of ice-cold water. She looked up sharply, every one of her senses alerted. As Mrs Weasley and Fleur hugged, both crying significantly now, Tonks' lips moved unconsciously, silently repeating the words the two women had said to each other.
And then, as if by some miracle, she was alive again. She jumped up, knocking her stool over in the process, and turned her angry eyes to the man standing before her. He, Remus Lupin, the one she had loved all along. He was avoiding her gaze, and she suddenly knew that he too had realised what the words had meant to her.
"You see!" she exclaimed, trying to keep her voice from cracking under the pressure of finally saying it in front of everyone. "She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"
"It's different," he said, his voice shaking madly. He was all but cowering under her furious gaze, but he still managed a feeble reply. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely -"
At this point, Tonks completely lost it. Aware that everyone was staring at her and Remus in utter shock, she advanced towards him and grabbed the front of his robes desperately. "But I don't care either, I don't care! I've told you a million times..."
Remus looked away, but not before Tonks caught the distressed expression written across his face. "And I've told you a million times that I am too old for you, too poor...too dangerous..."
Before Tonks could respond, Mrs Weasley interrupted. "And I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus."
"I am not being ridiculous," said Remus, trying to push Tonks away. His voice was stronger and more even, but he looked even more upset. "Tonks deserves somebody young and whole."
"But she wants you," said Mr Weasley. He had looked away from his conversation with Madam Pomfrey to smile weakly at Remus. "And after all, Remus," he added, glancing sadly at his oldest son lying on the bed, "young and whole men do not necessarily remain so."
"This is...not the moment to discuss it..."
And with that, Tonks knew the situation was hopeless. Letting go of Remus' robes, she retreated, careful to hide her hurt facial expression from him. His words had been like a poisoned arrow to her heart; she was sure that if he knew how much he had affected her, he might have considered taking his words back. However, he was right; Dumbledore was dead and she was being selfish by thinking she might use the situation to her advantage by trying to persuade him to love her.
The remainder of the meeting in the hospital ward did not last very long; soon enough, every filed out to go fulfill their separate duties. With Dumbledore gone, nothing would ever be the same. With her heart broken, Tonks brushed her hair away from her face, turned away, and left the room through the back door. She never once looked back to see what Remus' reaction would be to her exit, for she hardly even cared.
The horizon had never looked any bleaker as Tonks stumbled past unoccupied hospital beds and out the door. It was all she could do to hold back her tears. She had given her heart to Remus; he knew it, yet he willingly broke it. Every time he told her that because he was a werewolf, he would never be good enough for her. He was wrong - she would never be good enough for him.
Without looking or caring where she was headed, Tonks pushed through the main doors of Hogwarts and ran blindly outside. She heard voices asking her to stop and tell them what was happening, but she ignored them. "I've already got enough to deal with!" she wanted to yell at them, but no, she would have to hold back.
At last, Tonks stopped running, completely out of breath. Looking up, she found that she had reached the shore of the lake. Exhausted, she let her knees buckle under her then fell to the ground. At this point, she finally gave up and let herself begin sobbing miserably.
For what felt like hours, Tonks simply knelt on the wet grass, pouring her heart out into the tears that fell to the lake and mingled with the thousands of other water droplets there. At length, she wiped her eyes dry, edged forward a few centimetres, leaned over the lake, and gazed at her watery reflection.
The ripples on the surface of the lake, caused by the shaking of the ground under hundreds of confused footsteps, distorted the image of Tonks' tear-streaked face. Still, her ghostly pale complexion and grief-stricken expression was not a trick of the water. Lowering herself closer to the water, Tonks screwed up her eyes tightly and concentrated on trying to change her hair colour. However, when she looked back at her reflection, her locks were still the same dirty brown.
Tonks' heart fell. So it was true: She had indeed lost her Metamorphagus powers. Changing the colour of her hair was the most basic of transformations and if she couldn't even manage that, then she was hopeless. Just like she was at every other aspect of life...
"I'm sorry," came a voice from beside her.
Tonks tensed immediately. Without turning around, she had known who it was. Years of working with him had forced her to memorise the tone, volume, pitch of his voice.
"Tonks...you know that we can never be together..."
Although she had been expecting these words, Tonks let out a choked sob nonetheless. How many times can he break my heart in one night? she wondered as she pushed away his hand which had attempted to wipe away her tears.
"Look at me, Nymphadora."
Jerking up into a sitting position, she glared up at Remus and said in a shrill voice, "Don't call me that!"
He smiled sadly. The lines in his face deepened and his eyes darkened as he laid his hand on her shoulder gently. She tried to shrug it off, but he wouldn't let her.
"You know I love you. I love you so much, possibly more than I've ever loved one person."
"If you loved me, you would want me. You don't want me," she accused.
"No, it's you who doesn't want me. Deep inside, you don't want to deal with someone as imperfect as me. I have many flaws, more flaws than the man you deserve should have."
Tonks clenched her fists. "I'm not perfect either! I never have been, but I never was imperfect until you came and broke me." The last sentence she spat out bitterly as she finally managed to push his hand off her shoulder.
Remus recoiled, as if someone had slapped him across the face. His face had suddenly been drained of all colour, and his eyes were widened with hurt.
"Please, don't say that," he whispered.
"It's true!" she shrieked. Backing away from him, Tonks struggled onto her feet.
As if finally realising there was no way he could reconcile the nearly-insane witch before him with words, Remus began to pull his wand out of his back pocket. However, Tonks had spoken up again before he could complete the task.
"Look at me!" Wildly, Tonks seized a handful of her hair and jerked it out of her scalp, barely wincing as pain spread across her head like wildfire. "Look at this! Do you know why my hair is this colour?"
"Tonks-" Remus began, his wand hand hovering at his side.
"It's because it's the exact shade of brown as your hair," Tonks screamed. "The exact same pitiful, mediocre, worthless shade of brown you've always settled for, because you're afraid to stand out. That was never me, Remus, but now I can't change back because of you!"
Remus furrowed his eyebrows, bewilderment in the lines of his face. "I thought you...I thought it was because...because of what-"
"Sirius was my cousin," Tonks whispered, almost as if to herself, "and I'll always love him...but not like I love you. I will never love anyone like you. You ruined me, Remus, and you still mean the world to me."
She burst into tears again, still clutching the handful of mousy hair. "And now Dumbledore's gone," she moaned quietly into her hands as if she had forgotten Remus' presence.
Meanwhile, Remus stood, quietly watching Tonks. It was not because he did not have words to say; it was simply because the truth of her words had finally, after nearly a year, hit him.
As he gazed at her, he realised how much she truly had come to resemble his outward appearance. Her hair, limp and tangled, was almost exactly like his. Her eyes and his were of the exact shade of brown, and even her robes were tattered and dirty like his.
She was no longer Tonks. A year of mourning for Sirius, worrying over the Order, and, worst of all, longing for him, had destroyed her as a person. The previous year, she had been bright, vivacious, and entertaining. Now she looked as though she no longer even understood the meaning of those words, and it was Remus' fault.
"Will I ever be good enough for you, Remus?"
Remus blinked, surprised that she had started talking again. Her words were so far from what he expected that his mouth fell open and he was left completely speechless.
Taking Remus' lack of speech as reluctance to admit that she spoke the truth, Tonks continued. Her tear-filled eyes silently begged him to listen as she said, "You, who has always seen the good in everyone...You refuse to open up to me. What can I do to prove myself to you? I would give up my life to save yours, Remus, and you're not even willing to give your heart to save mine."
"We...I...This isn't the time for us to be absorbed into our own affairs," said Remus at last. He blushed at the insensitivity of his words, but he was so taken aback by what Tonks had said to him that he'd sputtered out the first thing that came to his mind.
"Then when will the time come? You heard what Minerva said about the world needing more love. I know you understand her words, Remus; you were always the clever one, the one who could see clearly the meaning behind what everyone said. I know you agreed with her. I know you can see that I'm telling the truth when I say I love you despite your flaws, maybe even because of them." By now, Tonks' voice had faded away so that the words were said with an almost desperate pleading tone.
"You deserve better..." said Remus, his voice feeble. His resolve was beginning to crumble. He could no longer force himself to believe that there was no possible way for him and Tonks to be together. She was right; he saw in her eyes, heard in her voice, felt in her touch...She loved him and wanted him, even though she knew the difficulties that could arise from a romantic relationship between them.
"No I don't," she whispered fiercely. Taking a step forward, Tonks grabbed Remus' right hand in both of hers and held it up to her lips. "You're the only one."
Instinctively, Remus reached up with his free hand and brushed away a lock of hair that had fallen over Tonks' eyes. He found that she was, for the first time that night, looking directly into his eyes. The message that lay in the depths of her eyes was plain and simple: She would not be content until he admitted he loved her as well.
Sighing heavily, Remus bowed his head and closed his eyes. The battle that was taking place inside his heart was all but tearing him apart. Never before had he been presented with such a decision. He knew that by giving into Tonks' pleas, he would be destroying her future, yet he could not bear hurting her at the same time.
At length, he opened his eyes again. "Very well."
And then, as if on cue, the song of the phoenix swelled up again. It was the same lament as the occupants of the hospital had heard earlier, yet it was somehow different - there was something of a sweet, hopeful undertone to it. As the soothing melody wove its way through the crowds of people on the Hogwarts ground, leaving behind groups of silent, awed students, Tonks closed her eyes and finally smiled.
"Remus, look," she whispered, pointing to the lake. He did so, and the sight that greeted his eyes forced a genuine smile onto his weary face for the first time in many months.
There, on the now-still surface of the water, shimmered the reflection of a couple standing closely entwined in one another's arms. Above them a crescent moon shone brightly, spilling light onto a mop of bright pink hair.