“James? James, mate, wake up.”
He knew it was pointless; he could tell James was dead, but a part have him didn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe it. Tears sprang to his eyes as he looked at James’s limp form, his eyes were still open staring blankly up at Sirius. He held him close, rocking back and forth his body racked with sobs, his chest hurt, aching with grief. He looked around, the living room was destroyed, scorch marks in the walls furniture blown apart. Signs of a desperate, futile struggle. It was his fault. His fault. If he hadn’t … no, don’t think … don’t think about that. He gently lay James down and closed his eyes.
Suddenly he heard a floorboard creak upstairs and a child crying. Harry! He must be still alive! But not for long, if that was Voldemort up there … Sirius grasped his wand and slowly ascended the stairs following the noise of Harry’s crying. It was coming from one of the bedrooms. Slowly, quietly Sirius crept up to the room. There was another creak, there was definitely someone in there with him. The door was open slightly, he could see the shadows of someone moving. Sirius kicked the door open with a loud bang and aimed his wand at the figure.
“What the …”
“... Hagrid?”
An enormous hairy figure stood facing Sirius. It was Rubeus Hagrid, the game keeper at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
“Sirius? What’re you doin’ ‘ere?”
“I … I … Lily!” He had just noticed Lily’s body lying on the floor, and he ran to her.
“I know, she was tryin’ ter protect ‘im, poor liddle tyke,” said Hagrid softly. Sirius looked up and for the first time noticed he was carrying Harry who had now stopped crying but was sniffing and making little dry sobs every now and again.
“He’s alive?”
“Yep, miracle. But there you go.”
Sirius stood and looked at Harry.
“My God, his head.” He stared at the slash on Harry’s head, which was shaped like a lightning bolt. He touched it gently, Harry winced and gave a little cry of pain, Sirius quickly withdrew his hand and turned away, the tears came back.
“I … I was too late!” he whispered, trembling.
“There was nothin’ you could do Sirius,” said Hagrid, “Nothin’ anyone could do.”
“No… I could have done something, I could have … I don’t know … I …” he reached out to Harry, who grasped his finger. He no longer smiled at Sirius but gazed sadly at him with his large, green eyes still moist from his tears.
“Give Harry to me Hagrid, I’m his godfather, I’ll … I’ll look after him.”
Hagrid shook his head. “Sorry, Sirius, Dumbledore’s orders, I gotta take ‘im ter live with his Aunt and Uncle.”
“What! Lily’s sister? Hagrid you can’t do that! You can’t subject him to that! That woman hated Lily, she’ll hate Harry as well. He’ll … he’ll be shunned by them, neglected!” Sirius was thinking of his own upbringing, from what he’d heard about Lily’s sister she would treat Harry just like he was treated at home. Neglected, abused and shunned -- with no friends to talk to. He had been trapped his whole childhood, he did not want Harry to go through the same.
“Sorry Sirius but tha’s me orders,” said Hagrid although he clearly agreed.
“Please Hagrid, give him to me. You’ve got to, I’ll look after him!” Sirius begged. He’d get down on his knees if he had to; they weren’t going to take him.
“Sirius, Dumbledore says it’s the best way ter protect ‘arry. He needs to stay with a blood relative, and as they’re the only ones … ” he trailed off looking lost, " ... look, I don’t want ter take ‘im anymore ‘n you do, but I got me orders, and I’m gonna stick to ‘em.”
Sirius knew there was no arguing, he nodded, took one last look at Harry who stared at him with large, bright green, sad eyes.
“See ya then,” said Hagrid as he turned to leave.
“Hagrid!” he stopped and looked at Sirius, “My bike’s parked outside. Take it. I … I won’t need it anymore.” Hagrid frowned slightly, confused.
“If tha’s what you want.”
Sirius nodded.
“Please, it’ll get Harry there quickly … and safely.”
Hagrid nodded, turning he squeezed himself through the door. Seconds later there was the sound of the motorbike starting up, a loud rumble and the wheels screeching. Sirius watched out of the window as the motor bike sped away through the darkness, taking Harry with it.
Turning back to the room he stared at the destruction, Lily’s limp body. He felt like his heart was trying to force its way out of his chest -- the grief and guilt were too much, almost like a physical aching pain, he knelt and sobbed uncontrollably, thinking of Harry growing up at his aunt and uncle’s.
“I’ve done that to him. It’s my fault … if I hadn’t had that ridiculous idea to use Peter in the first place … ”
Peter!
Sirius felt himself bubbling with anger, with hatred, the deepest, darkest most potent hatred he’d ever felt. Peter had betrayed James, betrayed his friend; he was serving Lord Voldemort. Sirius’s hatred was bubbling to the surface. He couldn’t contain it anymore and he screamed one long piercing shriek, every ounce of grief, every burst of anger and every burning weight of hatred he vented in that scream. It hurt, his chest ached his throat throbbed but he didn’t care, it was nothing compared with how much he had hurt Harry.
Feeling empty and cold, Sirius stood and descended the stairs. He tried not to look at James, tried not to face what he had done, but it was impossible. He knelt next to his friend and held his head in his arms.
“James, I’m sorry, I’m … look what I’ve done to you, after all the help and support you gave me this is how I repay you. By causing your … ” the word death stuck in his throat. He couldn’t say it. “Now your son, off to live with those Muggles. I’m sorry. James, forgive me! Forgive me, Lily. I’m … I … ” he felt lost. The weight of emotion was too much; he felt paralysed. And then he thought of Pettigrew. His anger returned.
“I swear, I swear that Pettigrew will pay for what he’s done,” he growled, “If he was scared of what Voldemort might do to him… he’ll soon find out he’s nothing compared to me!” He kissed James’s forehead, stood up and charged out of the house, eyes burning and heart pulsing with hatred … and vengeance.
Finding Pettigrew was the only thing that filled Sirius' mind. His anger never died -- it was always bubbling at the surface -- but his grief continued to grow. Sometimes he felt completely hollow and empty, and at other times the grief was so intense he felt as though he were going to be crushed by the sheer weight of it. He couldn't prevent himself from dwelling restlessly on his best friend’s death and also about the treatment Harry was receiving at his aunt's and uncle’s home.
He was planning to ask Dumbledore if he could still see Harry, maybe on special occasions like Christmas, to give him at least someone from the wizard world he could talk to. Thoughts of bitterness, guilt, resentment, hatred and grief constantly whirled around his head until he felt dizzy with the confusion. And this was all because of Peter Pettigrew.
It took him less than a day to find where the rat was hiding and followed him not even bothering to keep himself hidden. Let him know he’s being followed, let him know that he hasn’t got away with his treacherous acts. Let him feel fear. Let him panic. Let him get a taste of what Lily and James may have gone through before they died. Sirius felt a certain malicious pleasure every time he saw Pettigrew’s pale face turn and see him following close behind -- he felt like he was siphoning off his grief into that squat chubby traitor.
Eventually, Sirius decided he had messed about for long enough. He gave chase. Peter ran, but being the chubby un-fit animal he was, Sirius soon caught up with him. He could hear his short, sharp intakes of breath he could feel his fear, and he loved it. Reaching out a hand he grasped Pettigrew’s shoulder and whirled him around. Peter’s cheeks were tinged pink after his run, his eyes were wide with fear, Sirius grasped him by the throat and brought him close to his face.
“Thought you could escape me did you, you treacherous little snake? Thought you could outrun me?” he snarled.
“Sirius! I did nothing, nothing at all!” he whined.
“Don’t lie! The only way Voldemort could have found Lily and James was by you betraying them. You’re a murderer. An evil, foul stinking murderer!”
“I didn’t want to Sirius! He made me! You’ve no idea of His powers.” Sirius tightened his grip around Pettigrew’s neck, and he began to choke.
“Liar! You were passing on information to him long before they made you their Secret Keeper. And do you know why they chose you? Because I suggested it. Me! What an idiot I was not to see that you were the traitor. If you were scared of what Voldemort may have done to you if you refused then you reckoned without what I would do to you if you did. You’ll regret the day you uttered those fatal words to the Dark Lord once I’m through with you!”
Throughout this speech, Pettigrew had been slowly drawing out his wand, Sirius noticed it too late. “What’re you…”
“Lily and James, Sirius! How could you betray Lily and James? You murdered them!” screamed Pettigrew.
“What … ” And before he could stop him, Pettigrew aimed his wand at the street behind him and fired a spell.
There was a deafening explosion and screams. Sirius felt Pettigrew slip through his fingers, he had transformed into a rat!
“No!” Quickly he bent down and lunged forward trying to catch him before he got away, but the explosion had sent up a thick, billowing dust cloud, and he couldn’t see anything.
As the dust cloud cleared, Sirius realised that Pettigrew had gone, he had escaped. He felt the anger rising once again and he stood up intending to return home to try to find where Peter had gone. Suddenly, many pairs of hands seized him and held him tight, he felt his wand being wrenched from his grasp. Confused, he blinked through the dust, trying to see what was going on. Dark shadows became clear as the dust began to disperse and he soon realise that he was surrounded by Ministry wizards, all looking grim and determined.
Beyond them was chaos. A huge, deep crater stretched across the street and Muggles were running around, screaming, shouting. Sirens blared and blue lights flashed as police and paramedics rushed to the aid of the injured. Many sported blood-stained gashes on their arms and heads, and bodies lay stretched in a long line as many succumbed to their injuries. Sirius stared at the destruction in horror.
“Sirius Black!” Sirius tore his eyes from the destruction to stare at the speaker. It was Bartemius Crouch, a Ministry worker Sirius had never met but knew by sight as he had become very popular over past years due to his tough methods of tracking down Death Eaters. Hardly a week went by when his face was not in the paper. His face was contorted with disgust as he stared at Sirius.
“We have eye witness evidence that not five minutes ago you brutally destroyed Peter Pettigrew and are also responsible for the killing of twelve innocent Muggles.”
Sirius couldn’t believe it. It was so ludicrous that despite himself he began to laugh.
Crouch’s face contorted and he continued, “You have also been found to have been responsible for the betrayal of James and Lily Potter, which led to their subsequent murders by the Dark Lord.”
At this Sirius stopped laughing. How could Crouch say that? It was Peter -- he had betrayed Lily and James! And then he realised, his heart sinking, that neither he, nor James had told anyone about the change in Secret Keepers. As far as the Ministry were concerned, Sirius had been their Secret Keeper and therefore must have betrayed them. He felt his heart grow cold with fear. This couldn’t be happening!
“Due to the solid nature of the evidence, I therefore sentence you at this very moment to a life sentence in Azkaban.”
“No!” Sirius began to struggle against the arms of the Ministry wizards, desperately trying to escape. They couldn’t do this, he was innocent. Harry would be left alone! “I have the right to a trial. You can not deny me a trial!”
Crouch came right up close to Sirius’s face.
“Scum like you don’t deserve the chance to weasel your way out of punishment. You will go to Azkaban, and may you rot there!” he snarled. As the Ministry wizards began to drag him away, he screamed and struggled, but it was no use. Their grips were too strong, he couldn’t escape. Silently tears began trickling down his cheeks and his heart wilted.
For most of the journey to Azkaban Sirius simply sat, silent, tears running down his face his heart full of dread and fear, both for himself and for Harry. As they drew closer to the fortress, he felt the influence of the Dementors beginning to creep over him. He felt cold and empty. Then clammy, scaly hands clasped around his forearms. He shivered at the touch. The creeping influence of the Dementors was becoming stronger, he was thrown roughly into a cell. The door clanged shut!
Sirius didn’t move. He stayed staring at the gritty cell floor feeling hollow and cold, trembling. Memories from his childhood flitted across his brain in a confused mass, but more often he saw Harry. Pictures of him suffering at the hands of his Muggle relatives. Crying in Hagrid’s arms. The red scar on his head. His tearful eyes. James lying bleeding and cold at the foot of the stairs. The house destroyed. Lily’s blank eyes staring up at him. Himself urging James to use Peter instead.
His heart felt heavy with the combined emotions. Again he felt the physical crushing pain of grief mingled with the dread and emptiness created by the Dementors. It built up, consuming him, devouring him, smothering him until he was lost in a world of guilt and fear and death. Tears rushed down his face and his body became racked with sobs.
Then it all became too much and he screamed, a loud, long piercing shriek that echoed and reverberated around the fortress and would have brought any passer by to tears had any been within ear shot, but there was none there, none who cared. He was trapped, trapped with these soul sucking fiends for a crime he didn’t commit, alone, guilty, grief-ridden and empty. Empty of all except the memories of the lives he had destroyed.