It was breakfast time, and Hairy Otter had just entered the cafeteria at PigPimples School for Untalented Magicians. After scanning the room for a friendly face he finally settled for sitting with his fellow magician friends, Hermininionieie and Jon. Jon was attempting (unsuccessfully) to pull a rabbit out of his hat and Hermininionieie, always the know-it-all, was reading the dictionary. It took them a few minutes, but they finally looked up and acknowledged Hairy’s presence. It was at that time Hairy’s star-shaped scab on his forehead burst into purple flames and spat at Jon.
“Lord MoldyWart trying to kill you again?” Asked Jon as a rabbit jumped out of his hat and flew away. Whenever Hairy’s scab exploded, it meant that the dark magician was nearby, or that he needed some acne medication.
“Yes, for the third time this week,” sighed Hairy, “with final exams and everything, this is the last thing I need.”
“I surmise that MoldyWart’s next calamitous endeavor will surly annihilate some essential aspect of our school!” Hermininioneie cried, looking up from her dictionary. “How will you intercept his scheme when it occurs? Have you contrived a plan yet?”
Hairy and Jon ignored her, as usual, and continued their conversation.
“Did you hear, Professor Snap is sick with the Flute Flu and will be out for the remainder of the semester!”
“Wow,” said Hairy, spontaneously turning into an otter, “that’s the flu that turns your nose into a flute… I’ve always wanted that one.”
“It’s appalling!” exclaimed Herminininoinieinoie, “the father of my brother’s sister’s uncle’s best friend’s cousin acquired it while on Holiday in the south of north of France! Her nasal cavity was abundant with excessive chasms that obstructed her nasal usage!”
“Anyway,” continued Jon, “the substitute is”get this”a Detrimentor!”
Hairy had had an encounter with a Detrimentor the year before that nearly killed him. It was a horrid creature that sucked the souls from innocent children. It wore a long, dark cloak that concealed a hideous face and large protruding lips. In non-magician-land, as the magicians so intelligently referred to it as, they were called “Math Teachers”.
Hairy’s face turned white and his pimple exploded again. He returned to his human form. His father was part otter, though it doesn’t really explain him randomly changing into one.
“Do you think MoldyWart had something to do with it?” He asked.
“I don’t know, but it’s time for class, so we’ll see!”
As Hairy descended the stairs to the dungeon where Pharmaceutical Class was held, he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his side. He cried out, but just at that moment, Jon’s flying rabbit flew by and caused a commotion, followed by the Ghost of Christmas Past and a flock of enchanted seagulls. Nobody noticed Hairy falling down ten flights of stairs, clutching his stomach. When he came to, he noticed the Detrimentor standing over him”then it all when black.
“EAT MORE CHOCOLATE!”
Hairy awoke with a start”and a mouthful of chocolate. The crazed school nurse was standing over him with a hatchet, shoving the tasty confection in his mouth. He spit it out and noticed that he was in one of the infirmary beds. Immediately, he felt like something was stabbing his stomach, and he screamed in pain.
“Oh deardeardeardeardear!” said the nurse, “looks like you’re in quite a bit of pain! I have just the thing for THAT!”
“Uh… I’m fine, really…” Hairy protested. He could see the nurse reaching for more chocolate. Suddenly, Herminionionie and Jon appeared at his side.
“Here, we brought you some Chocolate Maggots,” Jon handed Hairy the box. To be polite, Hairy nibbled at one, though more chocolate was the last thing he wanted.
“Hairy! We disembarked as soon as we acquired the knowledge of your predicament! What--” Herminininoine was cut short when Hairy vomited up the chocolate and stained her robes.
“This must be a curse by Lord Moldywart. What else would cause you such pain?” Jon said.
“Oh dearies!” Said the nurse, swinging the hatchet, “it’s a kidney stone!”
“A kidney stone?”
“But I thought that kidney stones were only acquired outside the boundaries of adolescence?” questioned a chocolate-covered Hermininoinienie.
“Did you hear something?” asked the nurse. Jon and Hairy shook their heads.
“Why do I have a kidney stone? I thought that only happened to old people!”
“Yeah, because you never get yourself into unbelievable situations…” Jon said, completely devoid of sarcasm… the room was silent.
The nurse put down her hatchet (which she introduced to them as the reincarnated version of her husband Wilson) and explained that Hairy would be in a bit of pain for the next few days, but eventually he would “naturally dispose” of the stone. She prescribed him three placebo pills a day (made of chocolate) and told him to rest in bed until the stone was removed.
On the way back to his dormitory, Hairy encountered ten different booby-traps, obviously set by Lord MoldyWart. Jon ended up falling in most of them, leaving Hairy to save him and Herminioinoine there to scream unhelpfully. He had also possessed three teachers and one large snake in an effort to kill Hairy. Apparently, he was running out of new ideas.
“I wonder why he’s trying so hard this week…” Hairy said. No sooner had he pondered this to himself then the Headmaster of the school, Professor Doofusdoorknob, appeared in the door.
“Hairy! You are in grave danger… grave… graaaaave,” he said in a spooky voice.
“I’ve noticed,” Hairy said nonchalantly. The first time Doofusdoorknob had approached him like this, he had been afraid. But since then he’d gotten used to his life constantly being in danger.
“Hairy, the reason Lord MoldyWart is trying to hard to kill you is because of your kidney stone.”
“My kidney stone?”
“Yes, you see, it is the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone!”
Hairy stared at him blankly.
“That calcium deposit inside of you contains astronomical powers. It has the power to give eternal life, be thrown in someone’s eye, and gross people out.”
“Well, the first one sounds pretty cool, but the other two don’t seem so hot… wait, so, this means I’ll live forever because of my kidney stone?”
“No, it means whoever eats it will”“
“That’s enough,” said Hairy, “just. Stop. Talking.”
“Anyway,” said Doofusdoorknob, “just thought I’d let you know that he’s probably going to kill you, and I’ll lend little to no help in the matter. Have a nice day!” and he disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
Hairy went to sleep that night and had horrible dreams of large white stones chasing him. In the dream, a ghostly figure was trying to sell him car insurance. There also could have been a toaster, but he forgot. The dreams repeated all week until one night he woke up in a cold sweat.
“I WILL NOT GO GEIKO!!!” he screamed.
“Calm down, Hairy, it was only a dream,” Hairy turned to see Jon at the foot of his bed, smiling at him. Hairy knew immediately that this was not Jon, but rather Lord MoldyWart in disguise! (Jon never smiled, he usually had a vacant expression on his face, or one of complete and utter confusion). He lunged for his wand and magic top hat, but MoldyWart was too fast. He did the Vulcan sleeper hold on Hairy and he was out like a light. Hairy blacks out easy. It’s more dramatic that way.
When he woke up he was bound by magic to a giant toilet in an enormous bathroom that was decorated with a variety of water fixtures. Lord MoldyWart was standing over him with a large glass of water. He forced it down Hairy’s throat and laughed.
“I’ll get that stone!” he cackled, “drink! DRINK!”
Hairy knew that if he were to relieve himself he would be handing over the power of eternal life to Lord MoldyWart. He had to cross his legs and try very hard to focus on something other than the giant enchanted water fountain in the corner of the room… Also, he really didn’t want to witness the dark magician consuming anything that came from his… yeah. He ignored the pain in his bladder and tried to think of a plan.
Hours went by and MoldyWart would not give up. He even began to dump water on Hairy’s head. Hairy couldn’t hold out much longer. He tried to remember the advice Doofusdoorknob gave him…
“He’s probably going to kill you…” No, not that one.
“It has the power to give eternal life, be thrown in someone’s eye, and gross people out…” Not very helpful, but it inspired a plan at least.
Hairy knew he had to make a direct hit, or it would all be for nothing. He took careful aim and fired! An incredible pain plummeted through Hairy’s lower body and then was gone, hitting MoldyWart directly in the eye. This temporarily disabled his powers, and the magic holding Hairy to the toilet disappeared.
He screamed in pain and clutched his eye. The stone dropped to the floor. Hairy ran over to it and hesitated a few seconds (After all, it did have the power to gross people out) before picking it up and rushing to the giant toilet. MoldyWart collected himself and started to approach the toilet.
“Stand back or I’ll flush!” said Hairy. Just at that moment the door opened and Herminioinioie and Jon stepped in.
“Guess this one’s occupied, let’s try the one down the hall,” Jon
said.
“You imbecile! Our dear acquaintance is in a grapple with the notorious dark magician!”
Before MoldyWart could turn around, Jon and Herminoinoinoienoin were rushing towards him, throwing random fruit in his general direction. He was so surprised by this odd spectical that he fell backwards into the enormous toilet, and Hairy pulled the flusher. He was too big to go down the drain, but after a few seconds he melted, so it still had the same effect. Hairy again turned into an otter.
“Well, that sure was a close call!” said Herminoinoinemoin. Jon and Hairy gasped, it was the first thing she had said this entire story that they actually understood. Jon immediately began to kiss her.
“What was that for?” she asked, bewildered.
“Oh come on, like the author hasn’t been hinting at a romance in the past two books,” Jon said matter-of-factly. Herminioineonoine shrugged and continued to kiss him.
Hairy made the stone into a necklace for Haggard, his giant hairy friend that lived in the woods. He knew that he would be the only one who wouldn’t be completely grossed out by it. The children finished their exams on time and anxiously awaited the scores. Sadly they failed nearly all of them, even Herminoiineoineoien, who had spent all of her time reading the dictionary in an effort to be smart, rather than studying for her tests. Hairy was once again sent to live with his evil aunt and uncle, who never replaced the toilet paper and chewed with their mouths open. He locked himself in the closet all summer.
Jon and Herminoinoinoineoine dated for a short period of time, but broke up when he accidentally turned her into a newt. Don’t worry though, she got better.