Note: This story was co-written by my sister, Ashley.
“Remus, that’s really obscene,” Sirius Black said, eyeing the chocolate frog dangling by one leg from Remus Lupin’s mouth.
Lily Evans and Natalie Blackwood slumped against each other in a fit of mad giggles.
“Do you realize how light Butterbeer is?” said James Potter, watching them. “That’s somewhat sad.”
Peter Pettigrew added, “Even I’m not that bad..”
Suddenly snapping out of her Butterbeer-induced haze, Lily sat bolt upright. “I know what we need!” she said, her eyes wide. Natalie fell over, still giggling. “S’mores!”
“Some more what?” Sirius asked.
“Seriously, Sirius,” Nat said in between snorts of laughter.
James simply shook his head. “Don’t get Padfoot punning. Honestly. Bad things will happen.”
“Very bad things,” Remus agreed, the frog still hanging from the corner of his mouth.
“Not ‘some more’,” Lily said. “S’mores!”
“Well, okay, but what are they?” Peter asked.
“S’mores are a Muggle camping delicacy,” said Lily in a very good impression of Remus. “They are consumed often by those who wish to ‘get away from it all’ while keeping processed and pre-packaged food handy.” She was met by blank stares. “Okay,” she explained in a long-suffering tone, “You take graham crackers, marshmallows, and chocolate””
“Chocolate makes everything better,” Remus said, finally eating the chocolate frog.
Looking at him evenly, Lily held up a struggling chocolate frog by its hind leg. “See the frog? Go get the frog,” she said, pretending to throw it though still keeping a firm grip on it.
“I would thank you to remember,” Remus said, feigning offense, “that there is a difference between werewolves and dogs.”
“Yeah, chocolate’s poisonous to dogs,” Natalie pointed out, and shot Sirius a look.
“Don’t be getting any ideas, Natalie,” James said. “I’ve already tried it. No such luck.”
“Hah,” said Sirius. “Although, another difference between wolves and dogs, is that dogs are domesticated. Though Miri’s certainly trying her hardest to”” He was cut off in a fierce attack from Remus with a pillow.
“Shut up, Sirius!” Remus said, holding the pillow tightly over Sirius’s head. Lily and Natalie shared a look and started giggling again.
“So, anyway,” said James, trying to wrestle the pillow out of Remus’s hands before Sirius died the way he always said he wanted to”in the bedroom, although not quite this way. “These ‘s’mores’ things?”
“Oh. Right,” Lily said. “You roast marshmallows””
“Like a chicken?” Sirius asked, trying to push the pillow away.
“I love chicken,” Peter said thoughtfully.
Lily said, “No, not like””
“Especially with gravy,” added Peter.
“NOT like chicken!” Lily said forcefully. Peter looked rather crestfallen; James patted him on the back. “Over a fire.”
“I like fire,” said Sirius, his eyes gaining a maniacal glint.
“Oh my gosh!” gasped Natalie once she stopped laughing enough to speak. “I like fire, too!”
Sirius looked at her and tilted his head. “I like you.”
“Two pyromaniacs meet,” Remus said, holding his wand like a microphone, “and the sparks fly.”
“I do believe that was a pun,” said James, looking at Remus.
Lily gave a fake gasp. “Ickle Remmykins just made a joke!”
“Hey, I’ve made jokes before,” he said, grabbing the forgotten chocolate frog from Lily’s grasp.
“Yes, but this one was actually funny,” Peter said.
“Maybe it’s just the butterbeer talking,” said Sirius.
“Or the chocolate,” said Nat, scooting closer to Sirius.
“I haven’t enough pillows to smother you all,” said Remus, somewhat sadly.
“As Head Girl, it is my solemn duty to assist any Hogwarts student who, erm, needs assistance. Therefore,” said Lily, putting her nose in the air, “I shall offer my assistance. To assist you in smothering people.”
James said in a loud whisper, “Don’t trust her. She has cooties.”
“Aww, James, I’m touched,” Lily said in a dangerously sweet voice as she came up behind him. She pushed him forward and sat on his back. “I win.”
“In light of the cooties, I think I’ll pass on the ‘assistance’,” Remus said.
“Just because I’m a girl and have” “she used air quotes around the word”“’cooties’, it doesn’t mean I can’t smother people,” Lily sniffed.
Glancing at James’s face with glasses knocked askew by Lily’s attack, Sirius said, “Look at James. He’s being smothered. Quite well, might I add.”
“He actually looks like he’s enjoying it,” said Peter, sticking his tongue out in disgust.
“One day, Peter,” said James solemnly as he adjusted his glasses, “you, too, will understand true love.” He then sat up and Lily slid to the ground with a thump and a slight squeak.
“I want to try that,” said Natalie, half-heartedly nudging Sirius.
“Don’t touch me there,” he whined, falling over with a thud,
“So, anyway. Chocolate?” inquired Remus brightly. “I distinctly remember chocolate being mentioned. And the consumption of chocolate.”
“You only think you heard chocolate, Remmy,” laughed Lily.
“Remmy?” he asked, utterly bewildered. James snickered.
“Oh, hush, Jamesy-poo,” Sirius said in a high-pitched voice. James stopped laughing.
“Honestly, haven’t you heard of pet names?” Lily asked. “There’s Remmy, and Jamesy, and Siri, and.. erm.. Petey.”
“Pet names?” grinned Sirius. “That’s like a pun.”
“They’re contagious,” gasped Peter, pretending to be stricken and falling over.
“Right, so, now Wormtail’s out of the way, tell us about the chocolate,” Remus said, taking out another chocolate frog.
“One-track mind,” James smirked.
“Okay, so, like I said, you take a marshmallow and roast it”but not like a chicken, over a fire”and then you put a piece of chocolate on top and stick it between two graham crackers,” Lily said, thankful she wasn’t interrupted this time. “The marshmallow’s warm so it makes the chocolate all melty and yum.”
“If it reduces Lily’s vocabulary to words like ‘melty’ and ‘yum’,” Natalie commented, “you know it’s got to be good.”
Lily gasped. “But we haven’t any graham crackers!” she cried in a melodramatic voice. “Or marshmallows...”
“You know what that leaves,” said Remus. “Choco””
“This means only one thing!” shouted Sirius, leaping to his feet.
“I’m scared to ask what,” said Lily.
“Good, so don’t,” James replied.
“To the kitchens!” Sirius cried, wishing there were a breeze in the dormitory so he could bare his teeth heroically into it. “Who’s with me?”
He was met with a rousing silence.
“Fine then,” he said. “I can tell you are all hoping against hope that I shall choose you to be my faithful and loyal sidekick for this dangerous mission.”
“Not really,” said Peter.
Ignoring him, Sirius looked around at the group thoughtfully. “I choose...” he said, running a hand through his hair, “...Natalie!” Before she could react, he grabbed her by the shoulder of her pyjamas and hauled her unceremoniously to her feet.
“Help?” she asked as she was dragged out the door.
“You know you want to go!” Sirius’s voice echoed from the corridor as Nat disappeared after him.
“I almost feel sorry for her,” said Lily with a smile.
“The key word there is ‘almost’,” added James.
“I do think he had a point, there,” said Remus thoughtfully. “She looked like she wanted to go.”
“Looks like you want more chocolate,” replied Peter.
“He always wants more chocolate,” James said.
“I suppose he doesn’t always want chocolate,” mused Lily. “When he’s a werewolf, he’s probably craving fresh meat.”
“Where did that come from?” asked Remus, shocked.
“Well, it’s probably true,” said James.
“Well,” retorted Remus, “it’s also true that you smell funny.”
“Quidditch practice,” Lily said, immediately defending James.
“He smelled even before he made the house team,” Peter recalled.
“Did not!” said James, indignantly. The resulting argument led to the pulverizing of two pillows, the shattering of a water glass, and the conflagration of a comforter. It also held their attention until Sirius and Natalie returned, quite a bit later than a trip to the kitchens should have taken, and looking rather disheveled.
“Did you find a nice broom closet?” inquired Remus evenly.
Sirius started to grin widely and opened his mouth to regale them all with the entire story, but Lily interrupted him. “No; stop right there. Too much information already,” she said, grabbing a hairbrush off the nightstand next to the bed on which she was seated, and throwing it at Natalie. “I don’t want to know about Sirius snogging my best friend.”
“That’s my favourite hairbrush,” Sirius said sadly, tossing a large bag of marshmallows at Lily’s head. Lily caught it but promptly fell on the floor.
“What’s with the floor tonight?” asked Peter.
“Chocolate,” affirmed Remus. Natalie dumped an armful of chocolate frogs in his lap, and he looked as though Christmas had come early.
“They didn’t have chocolate bars,” Nat explained as Remus giggled to himself, hugging the boxes of chocolate frogs. “They’re not all for you,” she added.
“But.. why not?” he asked, still clutching the chocolate frogs.
“Natalie, you’re upsetting him!” cried Sirius.
“And you don’t want to provoke him,” warned James.
“He craves fresh meat,” said Peter.
“What?” asked a befuddled Sirius.
“Apparently,” said Remus, not relinquishing his hold on the chocolate horde, “I ate the fifth Gryffindor boy.”
Natalie blinked. “Um. You can keep the chocolate.”
“I was wondering where he was,” commented Peter.
“Guys? He wasn’t being serious,” said Lily, breaking the graham crackers into squares.
“Of course he wasn’t. That’s my job,” said Sirius to a chorus of groans.
“Sirius?” James inquired pleasantly.
“Yes?”
“Shut up.”
“You can’t make me!”
“No,” replied Natalie, “but we can make Remus eat you.”
“You can?” Remus asked, puzzled.
“Especially if we cover him in chocolate,” Lily added.
“You know,” said Remus, “I really don’t like these conversations where I end up either confused, or disturbed, or both.”
“Really seem to be a trend tonight, don’t they?” asked James.
“That,” said Sirius, “and falling on the floor.”
“I want sugar,” declared Natalie. “No, I need sugar. Let’s make the s’mores. Now,” she added, spearing a marshmallow on her wand.
“Erm,” said Lily, “I don’t think you need sugar. But let’s make the s’mores. We do need a fire, though.”
“Let’s set Sirikins on fire!” proposed Peter.
“I do believe that’s the finest suggestion you’ve ever made,” said James, clapping Peter on the back.
“He does seem to be the most flammable of us,” Remus commented, opening yet another chocolate frog.
Lily looked at Remus from the corner of her eye. “Chocolate makes you violent. Before you know it, you’ll be wanting fresh meat.”
“He can eat Sirius. I can tell you from experience,” said Natalie to Remus, “that Sirius is quite tasty.”
Lily pressed her palms against her eyes. “I did not need to know that.”
“I did,” said Sirius. “I find it flattering. But fire! We need fire.” He, too, speared a marshmallow on his wand.
“This doesn’t bode well,” said Peter.
“Incendio!” Sirius cried, waving his wand in the air. Instead of toasting the marshmallow, however, a jet of flame shot out of the end of his wand. Luckily, the rest of the group had seen this coming, and had ducked. The previously charred comforter was once again set ablaze, and considerable chaos ensued before the fire was put out.
Lily, on the verge of a panic attack, shouted, “You almost burned Hogwarts down, Sirius!”
“Have some chocolate,” Remus said, offering a chocolate frog to Lily. “Chocolate makes everything better.”
“Lupin, you’re loopy,” said Natalie, still holding the water jug. “Loony loopy Lupin!” She fell over giggling.
“What?” asked Remus.
“Well, since Natalie appears to be laughing too hard for coherent explanation, I’ll have to try,” said Lily. “It’s funny because it’s like a play on words, because you have Lupin, and you have loopy, and loony originally came from having to do with the moon, and... oh, never mind.” Met with confused looks from everyone, including Natalie, Lily sat on the sodden and singed mattress.
“But you can’t burn Hogwarts down, anyway,” said Remus, eating the chocolate frog he had offered to Lily.
“How do you know that?” asked James.
“Because he tried it,” said Sirius.
“That’s arson, that is,” gasped Peter, pretending to be deathly afraid of Remus.
“No,” said Remus.
“No, I’m pretty sure that’s arson,” affirmed Natalie.
“I meant, no, I haven’t tried.”
“Yet,” said Lily. “We all know how violent chocolate makes you.”
“Don’t make me go all violent on you, Lily,” sighed Remus.
“Hey,” said James. “That’s my job.”
“I’ll go violent on all of you,” said Remus. “Just give me enough chocolate... but anyway, you can’t burn down Hogwarts. Haven’t any of you ever read Hogwarts: A History?”
“Ooh! I did!” said Lily.
“Really?” asked Remus incredulously.
“Only to get you to shut up,” said Sirius.
“No, I really did read it,” said Lily. “But,” she added, slightly chagrined, “I don’t remember any of it. Not even the author..”
“Well, anyway, Hogwarts is protected by.. erm.. spells and enchantments that.. well, anyway,” he said to his friends, who rapidly looked as though they were in the middle of one of Professor Binns’s lectures, “the point is, it can’t burn down.”
“That was educational,” said Peter.
“In a bad way,” said Natalie.
“But learning is fun!” said James in a mock-scandalized voice.
“You’re mocking me,” said Lily. “I can tell.”
“Only a bit,” said James.
“Don’t make me smother you again,” threatened Lily.
“But he enjoyed it,” said Peter, still bothered by that concept.
“I want chocolate,” said Remus. “Still.”
“Maybe we should move to the common room before we burn down Hogwarts,” said Sirius.
“I’ll smother you, too,” said Lily.
“Aww, look, Remus, you’ve got another friend to go on violent binges with you,” said James.
“And she doesn’t even need chocolate to go violent!” exclaimed Natalie. “I should know.”
“Common room!” said Lily, bounding out the door.
“How can she have so much energy so late at night?” yawned Peter as they trooped down to the common room.
“It’s two in the morning,” said Remus. “Not exactly night, is it?”
“And this is our last night at Hogwarts,” said Natalie. “We’re not going to sleep during it.”
Sirius whispered to James, “I bet you a galleon that Peter falls asleep before four.”
“I’m not betting on that!” James said. “I completely agree with you!”