From You Have I Been Absent in the Spring
James sat down on his four poster bed and threw a few shirts and a ripped pair of jeans into his large, beat-up trunk. He let out a tired exhale and lay down as he closed his eyes. Warm sunlight from the morning sun came down upon his thin face through a nearby, open window. Small specks of dust (which became apparent due to the light) spiraled around freely in the air. A crisp breeze of spring air filed in and filled the stuffy dormitory.
It was already the last day of school, and time had flown by too quickly as always.
The room who he had shared with his three best friends was empty, save himself.
Remus had packed ahead of time and was most likely already preparing (with the other prefects) to help the first years and others get organized and on the train at the station in Hogsmeade.
Peter, however, had left everything until the last minute, just like James. His “packing” skills on the other hand, were much faster though. James recalled vaguely how he, Peter, and Sirius once had a “last-minute packing” contest last year. Peter was undoubtedly the victor by finishing a clean twenty-seven minutes ahead of the second. Peter was probably lugging his large trunk down the stairs of the first floor as James lay on his bed.
Sirius had amazingly and astonishingly packed ahead of time this year and was guaranteed to be nearly at the train station if not already there.
James knew why.
Opening his hazel eyes lazily, James heaved himself off the bed and grabbed a pile of clothing that was by his bed and shoved the pile in his trunk carelessly. After shutting it, he prayed to Merlin it wouldn’t spring open from the amount within it. He clutched his black book bag from beside his bed and slung it over his shoulder. While adjusting his robes and tie, James grasped the brass handle of his trunk, walked over to his oak dorm door, and opened it. With a heavy sigh, he took one last glance around the now empty room that had held so many fun times and eventful memories with his three best friends. Every moment was there, except one.
After closing his door quietly, he rushed down the stairs into the common room to notice that not a soul was present. The only sign of life came from the dying crackles of the fireplace from last night.
I’m late, as usual.
Stepping through the portrait hole, James made his way down the marble staircase that connected the sixth and seventh floors. As his foot landed on each stone step, his heart beat became awkward and irregular.
She kissed me there. he thought as he glanced at the side of the wall on his way down. She really did…
Once he walked through a tapestry and down to the first floor, he caught site of some last minute stragglers hurrying through the wide open double Entrance Hall doors. James chuckled to himself as he saw a couple of second years yelling, “We’re going to miss the train! We’re going to miss the bloody train!”
He knew he wasn’t going to be late. He had too much experience with almost missing the train in the past.
James walked slowly toward the door and outside onto the stone steps to face the flawless blue sky and strong sun. At that exact moment, he knew that his sixth year had come and gone, and at the back of his heart he dreaded going to his seventh year. That would be his last year, and from there he would be on his own.
Shaking his head, James snapped out of his thoughts to walk over to the large, gold entrance gates where there was someone waiting for him. Once there, he re-adjusted the strap of his book bag and dropped his trunk right next to him. Smiling, he ruffled his hair and gazed into a very familiar pair of chocolate brown eyes.
“So,” he began, “this is it.”
The girl nodded with a sad smile spreading across her face. “Yeah, it is.”
Audrey Filendale tossed her hair behind her ear thoughtlessly as she momentarily broke contact from James’s gaze.
Suddenly, something dawned upon him, and he had to blink a few times before squinting. Finally, after realizing what he was seeing was genuinely true, his eyes widened with bewilderment.
“Audrey, your hair, it’s- “
She blushed a soft crimson.
“It’s not purple anymore,” he exclaimed with astonishment as he observed her naturally coloured hair, which was exactly the “plain brown” that Audrey had always talked about when referring to her hair colour.
“I told you it was plain,” stated Audrey as if reading his mind.
He chuckled softly. “I'm sorry I ever doubted you.”
She smiled and smacked him in the shoulder playfully before saying, “So, what do you say, James Potter? Are we going to exchange some last minute advice with each other?”
“Sure, why not?”
“Alright,” started Audrey as she nodded comically, “my advice to you is to stop being such a sarcastic prat and to stop getting into trouble. And if you are up to no good, then make sure you don’t get caught.”
James laughed heartily. “I’ll try as best as I can.”
“You had also better write to me when I am in France.”
“If I have the time.”
She raised an amused eye brow at him before saying, “’If you have the time’?”
“I meant all the time.”
She shook her head hopelessly before letting out a giggle or two. “Alright, your turn.”
He shrugged his shoulders and adjusted his round-rimmed glasses. “I’m never good at stuff like this, just like I’m not good at that poetry st- “
“Oh!” said Audrey suddenly, and she immediately dug through her pockets to grasp two envelopes and hand them to him. “One is from Professor Dumbledore. He said it was for you, and the other one is from me.”
“Thanks, Audrey.”
James grasped the two letters carefully before gently placing them in his book bag.
A question lingered through his head, and he was reluctant to ask. He had to know though. He just had to.
“Did Sirius…” began James hesitantly, but Audrey cut him off.
“No, he isn’t coming to see me off,” she answered with a disappointed, yet understanding, smile. “It’s probably better off this way anyway.”
James was correct in thinking that the reason why Sirius had packed up so early and left for the train ahead of time was to avoid one last goodbye with Audrey. He knew that not being here was Sirius’s way of coping with her departure.
For a few seconds, the two were pulled into silence, and for the first time, the silence between them didn’t feel uncomfortable or awkward but symbolic and meaningful.
A few students running along the path to catch the train were heard joking around and laughing as they past the two. The distant sound of leaves ruffling from a slight breeze and last minute “goodbyes” filled the air.
Finally, Audrey held out her hand in a handshake gesture abruptly before saying somewhat hurriedly, “Well, it was good to know you, James Potter.”
Then suddenly, instead of taking her hand in a handshake, instead of replying with a shallow goodbye, instead of walking away regretfully, James hugged her.
Audrey stiffened immediately and felt a large wave of emotion hit her hard in the chest.
She hated goodbyes because she always fell to pieces.
Tears began to well up in her round eyes, and her breathing became constricted and uncontrollable. She felt James caress her back gently and telling her over and over again that it would all be OK.
“I do have a piece of advice, Audrey,” he whispered at such a quiet tone that it was barely audible. “Sometimes, you’ve got to let go of your fear and take a risk, a leap of faith. In life, a risk can turn into a mistake which ends up being the greatest thing that can ever happen to you.”
Audrey nodded, acknowledging this piece of information, and buried her face into his chest as he continued to comfort her. Both of them were locked in time; both only cherishing the moment.
When the two finally pulled apart, she gazed into his kind and loyal eyes as tears continued to fall one after another onto her cheeks. With all her strength she could muster, she gave James the most grateful smile that he had ever seen before in his life. Then, she turned away with her salty tears rolling down the sides of her small face. She walked out of the gates and into what looked like a magical car with the rest of her family.
“Bye, Audrey,” whispered James to himself as he watched the run down car back up, take off, and disappear from site.
There were only certain moments in James’s life where he felt deeply touched. One was when his grandfather, the only grandparent he had ever known, was in his hospital bed and told James right before he died, “Don’t die wondering.” Another time was when his mom and dad had given him a surprise birthday when he was five. The other event was right after the Marauders and he had pulled their first prank together. It was rare for James to feel deeply emotional, but his meeting with Audrey had truly touched him, maybe even deeper than some of the others.
Somewhere within him, James knew that he would never meet someone quite like Audrey ever again.
When James had finally reached the Hogsmeade train station, he was actually worried he was going to miss the train. He had missed the last stagecoach leaving Hogwarts and had no choice but to run on foot.
Remus immediately spotted him and headed over.
“Way to be fashionably late, Prongs,” said Remus with a grin while jumping onto the train. “Here, hand me your trunk.”
James passed his trunk over, and Remus started to walk to a nearby compartment. James was mid-step in following, when his hazel eyes caught a flash of red. Instantly, he turned to see that it was indeed Lily Evans helping some last minute third years onto the train.
Suddenly, he couldn’t move. He stood glued to the spot as he observed every fine detail that Lily Evans had. He noted everything from her slim figure to her soft, tall nose. Then, without warning, Lily abruptly and slowly turned to face him as if she knew that he was observing. She raised her eye brows curiously, and James smiled at her, a sad smile; a smile knowing he wasn’t meant to be with her.
Miraculously, Lily smiled back somewhat unsure, and the two were both caught in one spot smiling at each other as if the universe was weaving and revolving around them. At that time, they were alone. Everyone ceased to exist, and for that moment and that moment only, both of them forgot where they were and what they were doing. For them, there was only each other, standing, each not daring to step any closer to the other.
Then unexpectedly, the loud whistle of the train was blown, and James broke the gaze to turn away and clamber onto the train.
You’ll never know. thought James to himself. You’ll never know.
The train ride back home was long and tedious, as usual. The four Marauders had secured a compartment all to themselves and talked for the most part about their summer plans and what they were all thinking of doing.
Peter talked about travel over the summer with his parents while Remus (on the other hand) was thinking more on the lines of relaxing at home and pursuing a hobby of baking. Sirius rolled his eyes and explained that his summer was going to be the same intolerable, angry “family” time he always had during the summer break. James expressed that he was keen on thinking about new pranks and spending some time with his parents.
The four talked casually until the train started to come near its destination located in London. At this point, Remus explained he needed to attend one last briefing in the prefects’ compartment and left. Sirius and Peter had decided to change out of their robes and vacated the compartment as well. This left James by himself.
James stretched and yawned before glancing outside at the rain pattering softly on an open field of evergreen coloured grass, and the grey clouds above.
Distantly, a group of giggling girls could be heard passing his compartment, and the roar of the engine vibrated constantly.
He observed the fast moving pace of the streaming droplets of water on the glass window before sinking into thought.
James knew that the four of his friends did not remember. Obviously, if one of them remembered that night, they would have said something, anything. To James’s dismay though, they didn’t.
The morning after the memory charm had been cast, the three other Marauders talked about packing and how they were going to go home in a few days.
“This year past really fast, eh guys?” brought up Peter that very morning when all the Marauders had finally woken up to a new day.
Remus and Sirius both smiled at each other and agreed.
“It’s been an amazing year,” added Remus with a warm smile.
Sirius gave a half-hearted smirk. “Yeah.”
“It’s been real sweet,” said Peter with a wide grin plastered on his face.
Then, for some odd reason, the three turned to glance in James’s direction.
Sensing their stares and expectations to say something, he finally said (after a long and odd pause), “Yeah, it was too sweet.”
As James recalled his very words, his heart cracked unexpectedly, and an inner emotion of anguish washed over him. A sudden wave of anxiety and panic rose into his chest and the back of his throat. His mind wandered to Lily.
She didn’t remember anything that she said to him. All the explanations and confessions of loathing that was actually love. All the realization that she had explained to him, had never happened for her. She had forgotten it had ever happened. She would never know.
As James leaned his head back to glance up at the over head compartment, he caught site of his black book bag. Instantly remembering the letters Audrey had given him, he got to his feet and grasped the two letters out of his bag. Leaning once again back into his seat, he first unfolded Dumbledore’s letter that had his named etched on it with the Headmaster’s artistic hand writing.
Dear Mr. James Potter,
In recent light of the information that you know what you would like to do in your future occupation, I would like to present you with an opportunity that I believe will suit your interests. I am the Head and Founder of an organization called The Order of the Phoenix. The goal for this organization is to fight against dark wizards. At the moment a new, dark wizard named Lord Voldemort has become an increasing concern. The Order would greatly appreciate your services and participation in the fight against him and other followers. Please think thoroughly about the offer. Thank you for your most gracious time.
Albus Dumbledore
James placed the letter back into its envelope and held it in his two hands as he gazed at it intently.
His father had talked about such an organization fighting against this new “evil” called Lord Voldemort. Dumbledore had offered him a job in that organization.
James knew that he would take it without a second thought. He knew that this was what he wanted to do with his life.
It was always his dream to try and right all wrongs and come out a courageous hero in the process. That was the reason why being an Auror seemed to suit his interests for a while. Once he went to Hogwarts, however, his views changed. He found a knack for breaking rules and found it thrilling. Why would he want to go to a place where the rules are enforced? At the early age of twelve, James realized that being involved in the Ministry was too troublesome and wasn’t something he quite approved of. Years later, he saw that the Ministry was not only a rule enforcer but also unjust.
The Ministry wasn’t a dictatorship or tyrant controller, but some of its ideas and actions were (in James’s opinion) rather useless and unfocussed in helping the rest of the Wizarding World.
That was the reason he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life other than pranking of course. He thought it almost impossible that there would be a job that fit his ideals. Still, the thought about playing some courageous, selfless hero saving lives and righting wrongs did wander into his thoughts occasionally.
At present though, James’s dream job was falling right into his lap in the form of Dumbledore’s proposal. Now, more than ever before, James was even more determined to fight against the dark elements. One of the main reasons was because of the uneventful night occurring with the memory charm. He didn’t want anybody else to feel this same pain, the same feeling of unfairness and loss that he felt when he knew that the ones he cared about most had lost a part of themselves.
Was the job dangerous? Of course it was, but he knew that. He understood that with an obligation to this sort of job, it was his duty to risk his life for the lives of others. That was his dream, was it not?
Then, James’s heart did an odd loop, and something at the pit of his stomach lurched slightly. There was just one thing that James knew he had to do but tried to postpone facing.
Joining the Order was risky. All his loved ones would always be in some kind of danger because of him. He would be a marked man to the dark wizards of the world, and to hurt him, they might go to any means. Knowing and understanding this, James knew that he had to let go of the one person he loved more than anybody; Lily Evans. Even though he knew that somewhere within Lily really loved him the same way, he couldn’t afford to take the risk. Later on, if they still had a relationship together when he joined the Order, she would be in the most danger out of all his loved ones. He loved her too much to put her into that much risk. It was better never to have a relationship with her, than to have one with death around every corner. The truth and reality of it hurt him deeply, but he knew he had to. He had to let her go, for her sake.
Besides, he reasoned with himself that it was not a coincidence that Lily forgot. This was a sign, a sign saying that it was never meant to be. Everything led to one truth for James: joining the Order and that alone was his destiny.
Finally, he snapped his attention away from Dumbledore’s letter. James shook his head and put the letter back into his book bag out of site. Then, he sat back down again and unraveled Audrey’s letter that was wrapped neatly with a (ironically enough) dark violet ribbon. He glanced down at it as his eyes shuffled back and forth through each neatly written line.
To: James Potter
Well, this is it. I’m not very good at “goodbyes”, but you will probably know that by the time you read this. I just want to tell you that this year has just been amazing. I am so grateful to have met and become friends with someone as loyal, funny, and kind as you. Words will never truly describe our friendship, or my thankfulness of our fateful meeting at the top of the Astronomy Tower. Please promise me that you’ll visit up there on a winter night sometime. It’s really beautiful up there, but you probably know that better than anybody else. Even though this year has been really crazy, I believe it is the best year I have ever had at Hogwarts, and I’m really going to miss it. Thanks for the Transfiguration lessons, they have been really helpful, and I will never forget all the good times and talks we had. Women shave their legs to be beautiful, James. Hehehe, bet you remember that one, right? The memories have been great, and I will keep them with me forever. I want to make this short so I don’t take up too much of your time, but I guess what I want to say above all else is “thanks” for everything you’ve done for me. I’ll never forget it.
Friends forever,
Audrey
P.S. I promised, remember?
For a few seconds, James was slightly puzzled by the last words that Audrey had put in until he adjusted his sitting position and saw a folded piece of paper topple out of the letter envelope. Grasping the piece of loose parchment curiously, he unfolded it.
His hazel eyes observed the paper.
Absent in the Spring by William Shakespeare
As he read, he felt so many emotions overcome him. There was sadness, happiness, and most of all irony.
When he had finished reading it, he let out a bitter laugh. More than anything, James wanted to cry. He had learned this year that sometimes it’s OK to cry. For some reason though, the sad irony wouldn’t come out, and it was locked in a dark place within him. It was as if his grief was a wound cut too deep within him for tears to heal.
Audrey had promised that she would find a poem that would touch him, and (without actually knowing or realizing it) she did. She truly did.
The train finally pulled into King’s Cross Station about twenty minutes later. Many students clambered out to embrace their parents and relatives. People were talking excitedly to inform their loved ones of their “amazing” year. Others hugged each other and said something about writing and getting together sometime over the summer.
James peered over at his wide open compartment door to see a pair of second years laughing together as they dashed past it. He smiled before grasping his trunk off from overhead as his mind dived into Audrey’s letter.
Hath put a spirit of youth in every thing,
That heavy Saturn laughed and leapt with him.
“Could you be any slower, Prongs?” asked Sirius sarcastically as the grey-eyed teen poked his head into the compartment.
“I’m going,” replied James with a slight grin. “Sheesh, you are so impatient.”
Sirius rolled his eyes, and James swung his book bag across his shoulder before following. The two made their way through the train and out to the doors where their eyes were met with a sea of students mixed with relatives. James glanced around at everybody while he searched for his parents. As he avoided a third year boy getting kissed by his rather boisterous mother, he caught site of somebody very familiar. He stopped, and so did his world.
He saw Lily Evans embracing her mother warmly and with a bright smile that tugged at James’s heart strings. Her red hair brushed her shoulders as she pulled apart from her mom and turned to a skinny girl that appeared to be either a sister or cousin.
Nor did I wonder at the lily's white,
Nor praise the deep vermilion in the rose;
They were but sweet, but figures of delight,
Drawn after you, you pattern of all those.
A bittersweet smile crept across his face.
Oh, Evans, he thought, I really do love you.
James shook his head determinedly.
He said he wasn’t going to put her into danger. He had to stop loving her. He needed to let go.
I can’t, Evans. I can’t. he told himself as he tore his attention away from her and started to walk around to find his parents again. I will always keep the memory of what you said inside of me though. Nothing will ever take that away from me. I will remember it forever.
Yet seemed it winter still, and you away,
As with your shadow I with these did play.
James moved through a crowd of embracing fourth years (who had tears their eyes) to finally see the Marauders, their relatives and family, and his parents. He strolled over to them with a grin, and embraced his parents (the oldest out of all the other parents) with a large, warm hug.
“Good to have you back, son,” said his father with a wide smile. “You pranked Mrs. Norris for me, right?” added Mr. Potter jokingly as he whispered the question into his son’s ear.
James nodded with amusement before going over to his friends for one last parting goodbye.
“Well, another year gone,” sighed Peter depressed.
“Cheer up, Wormtail! We all still have one more year! We’ll still have one last chance to have good memories,” said Remus as he slung his arm around Peter.
“The big seven,” added Sirius with a smirk. “Also, we’ll have more pranks to pull. Already started thinking about next year.”
The Marauders let out a chuckle.
“It is our final year,” pointed out Remus. “I think this will need to be something legendary.”
Peter hooted dangerously.
“Moony, Moony, I am shocked! Such assumptions coming from you of all people!” mocked Sirius playfully, and James elbowed the black haired teen in the ribs.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, without a warning, someone brushed James lightly on the back. Immediately, he whipped around on his heel to see Lily Evans passing by him, waving with the same bright smile that she had given her mother just a few minutes before.
“Have a good summer, Potter,” she said, and her green eyes sparkled brightly.
“You too, Evans,” he replied, and she turned away from him, her crimson hair wavering slightly in the warm spring breeze.
He watched her with unblinking eyes until she eventually vanished into the crowd of people and beyond site.
From you, Lily, have I been absent in the spring…
The other three Marauders hooted and whistled as James turned back to them.
“Something you haven’t been telling us, Prongs?” asked Remus as Sirius and Peter chuckled to each other.
“Maybe,” answered James with a slight smirk, “just maybe.”
Peter was still laughing, when suddenly Natasha came over and gave Peter a wide kiss on the lips. He turned a vibrant, deep shade of red before telling Natasha that he would write over the summer.
The Marauders, once again, went into whistles and laughter.
The four best friends joked around for a few more minutes until they all knew that they inevitably had to part.
James waved goodbye to his three best friends of his life before walking over to his parents’ bright, smiling faces.
“Ready to go?” asked his mother who had just finished scolding Mr. Potter for telling James to abuse Mrs. Norris.
“Yeah,” he replied as he took one last glance at his friends go their separate ways, “I’m ready.”
As he followed behind his parents and passed a whole bunch of other students and parents, he thought about this year, his sixth year. It had been different, that was for sure. So much had happened such as his fights with Sirius, saving Snape, meeting Audrey, the memory charm incident, talking with Lily, and finding more about himself than ever before. Sure, the year was difficult but so many hurdles in his life had been overcome. More than ever before, James felt he was finally experiencing and understanding reality and the real world. He felt he was finally experiencing life and all its unexplainable beauty.
As James turned the corner (symbolizing the ending of a chapter within him), a smile made its way across his face.
Yeah, it was sweet, he thought to himself as he glanced up at the flawless blue sky above him, too sweet to remember.
A/N: Credit to Absent in the Spring by William Shakespeare. Thanks to everyone for their reviews/comments! They have been most constructive, encouraging, and helpful! I just wish I had the time to get back to them all!