Night had fallen like a soft blanket over the Hogwarts grounds and its age-old school. The sky was pitch black with violet undertones and stars sprinkled throughout, flickering like candlelight. Perhaps it was the piercing darkness that made the castle look gloomier than ever, perhaps it was the ever-increasing aura of loss surrounding it. A part of it had died along with Dumbledore, stealing away the serene feeling of an otherwise cool and peaceful evening and leaving a gaping empty hole in its wake.
The long tendrils of the Whomping Willow stretched upward, resembling a many knobbly-fingered hand flexing slowly against the sky as if beckoning passerby. Tonight there were none nearby, save for a tall man in shabby gray clothes who was approaching the tree, moving with the graceful lightfooted ease of a sleek nocturnal forest creature. Waving his wand with an air of extreme weariness, he brought its branches to a standstill, leaving them suspended in midair.
A very bedraggled Lupin entered the cobwebbed Shrieking Shack. His haggard appearance blended into the atmosphere of the shack perfectly. Before examining the area through watery gray eyes, he sat on an old chair eaten by wood rot and buried his face in his hands.
He had needed time to think. Time suddenly felt so scarce, and after all that had happened in the infirmary -- Bill wounded for life, the news of Dumbledore's death, and his argument with Tonks -- he had had a guilty desire to excuse himself from the scene momentarily, in order to sort out his jumbled thoughts.
His hands were like ice on his face; he rubbed them together, but nothing could stop the numbness spreading slowly downward to his feet as if all the blood was draining out of him. His insides gave a great lurch at the thought of Dumbledore. Dumbledore, dead, never to return. No doubt this would affect the Order greatly, but they had to carry on. That was a strict law among the members -- no matter what happened, no matter how devastating the losses, they would continue to fight the war. For the sake of the wizarding world, they must.
Lupin had always been wholly loyal to Dumbledore, thus it was natural for him to feel selfish when Tonks' words of devotion replayed in his mind. He should be grieving with the rest of the Order, not hiding like a coward. Holed up in the place Dumbledore requested to be built specifically for him, it was as if he was taking advantage of the situation. Simultaneously, it was also how he chose to deal with the terrible grief. Being in it reminded him of the compassion the greatest wizard ever to live had bestowed upon others.
It would surely be an insult to Dumbledore's memory to invoke his own personal affairs -- there was no time for them right now. The state of things was dire enough. But he couldn't stop thinking about her.
Feeling a heavy pressure on his heart and regret seizing him round the throat like white-hot fire, he pictured her eyes filled with such hurt and cursed himself inwardly for acting like a rash fool. How could he have pushed her away so quickly?
Fixing his eyes on the entryway, he tried to suppress his longing to see her standing there, to get a second chance at being with her, though he knew he didn't deserve it. He'd lost her already. The thought of Tonks, infused with a pang of sorrow over Dumbledore and the fate of the Order, left him with such a range of intense emotions that he almost wished there was a full moon tonight. He could change into his werewolf form and bite himself bloody.
He hated being himself now. Everything was his fault...everything...He cast a fleeting glance at his wand...He considered how painless a death he could manage...
And then, just like magic, there she was.
Lupin gave a sharp intake of breath and felt as if he could hold it forever. Tonks looked briefly from Lupin to his wand and back, frozen to the spot.
"Remus...?"
As if coming out of a trance, she approached him slowly and kneeled, resting a hand on his, the one that shakily clutched the raised wand held to his temple. Gently, she brought the hand down, then pried the wand free. Lupin continued to stare, transfixed, at her. He was still trembling like a madman. The always composed and collected Lupin, trembling. Only after transforming back into human form during a full moon had he felt this particular sensation of intense vulnerability.
"Why did you come?" he finally managed to ask quietly.
Tonks set the wand aside and met his gaze. "When you left, I -- I was worried about you, so -- I told the others I had to get some fresh air and followed you instead. I'm sorry." She stared, her heart-shaped face glowing milky-white within the dull confines of the shack, darkening still as the evening swallowed it whole. Once again Lupin had the feeling that she could see right through him. "But it was a good thing I did...wasn't it?"
Lupin didn't say anything. He looked away and breathed deeply, knowing what was coming.
Her brow knitted in furious disappointment; she clenched her teeth, then began a series of raging outbursts. "How could you even think about that, Remus? The Order needs you! I need you! Don't you think you've harmed yourself enough? You just don't throw your whole life away just because you've got survivor's guilt! I can't believe -- "
Lupin raised a hand to silence her. "I know," he said wearily, rubbing his temples. "It's alright now. I just -- wasn't thinking rationally."
Tonks studied him worryingly. "Well of course you weren't," she replied, gentler this time, understanding his keenness to forget the issue -- although she knew she'd be keeping an uncomfortably close watch on him from now on. Then, in a small whisper, "so much has happened tonight."
He seemed calmer now, however, now that she was here...But he felt overcome, ashamed, that she had to walk in on him at his lowest point. What if she hadn't, though? What kind of mistake would he have made then? He paused and shut his eyes tight as if it was too painful to look at her, as if he didn't deserve to. But how he wanted to...she was so beautiful...
"You say you're so misjudged, Remus," she said, breaking the descending silence and him out of his deep thoughts. "But I believe in you. I've always believed in you. Listen to me -- nothing is your fault. Nothing you could have done would have prevented anything from happening. Every one of us in the Order takes the blame." Tonks tightened her grip on his hand, narrowing her eyes. She could still tell he didn't want to talk about it, but she wasn't about to let him go.
He continued to avoid her eyes. Emitting a small cry of impatience, she reached face with her other hand and turned it toward hers. His gaze turned sharp, then quickly softened as it met hers.
She was getting much too close, he thought. Her light breath ruffled his hair so softly...he felt a flutter, then a skittering pang in his heart, but his body felt immobile as her eyes searched his...
Her hand fell to his knee and rested there as she scoffed. "But I don't understand your stubborn logic! You heard what Minerva said about Dumbledore -- he would have been glad to know there was a little more love around. So I'm being as stubborn as you're being, Remus John Lupin, and I'm not backing down either." She said this with a determined fire in her eyes, in the way that nothing that he said could possibly convince her otherwise. "Why do you keep fighting the future?"
The question caught him off-guard, and he attempted to dodge her reasoning. "Isn't that what the Order is meant to do? Don't we fight the future? Don't we fight Voldemort, everything he's trying to accomplish?"
"That's different!" Tonks insisted, the worry lines increasing on her forehead. "I meant...why don't you want to be with me?"
Lupin turned away again. With a sweep of his cloak, he stood and paced forward to face the wall, leaving Tonks kneeling before an empty seat, looking crestfallen as well as frustrated. There was a pause as he gathered his thoughts again.
"I do," he said softly.
"Then act like it!"
Lupin closed his eyes and sighed, opened them again and turned to face her, pale-faced but calm.
"Nymphadora -- "
"DON'T CALL ME NYMPHADORA!"
He observed her striking features -- she looked lovely even when she was angry -- before mentally reprimanding himself yet again, then frowning. "Why? I...quite like it."
"Well then...you're a fool!" she shot back childishly.
"Maybe I am."
Tonks blinked, suddenly at a loss for words. Lupin surveyed her face, her tired eyes, her mousy brown hair hanging in thin locks. She blushed to their roots. He sunk back into the chair and averted his gaze once more.
"If I'm so good for you, I'd be gone already," she went on. "If I deserved better, I'd be lonely for the rest of my life. Because there's no one better for me, Remus. No one's better than you." Lupin flinched slighly; it both pained him and filled him with joy upon hearing this. He knew she was trying her best to prove him wrong, but he continued to look determinedly at an uneven board in the wall.
But you know there's no one better for you, his heart told him. Suddenly a strangled voice caught his attention.
"I love you," said Tonks quietly. Tears had begun streaming down her face, making her crimson cheeks gleam. As if sensing her anguish, Lupin arose to his feet. Her body began to quiver with sobs. "I'd do anything for you, can't you see that? You say you're too old, too poor, too dangerous...Well, I can change, I can look older..."
"No," interjected Lupin softly, shaking his head slowly, taking a step toward her. "Don't..."
"...I can lose all the money I've got..."
"No," said Lupin, louder this time. He knew where this was going.
"I can get bitten myself..."
Lupin had seized her swiftly by the shoulders. "No," he said, more firmly than ever. "Don't you dare do that, not for me, not for anything." He raised a hand and gently brushed away the tears rolling down her cheeks. She was stifling her sobs and went completely silent as he tipped her chin upward with his finger, forcing her to look into his eyes again. There was a long stillness as they surveyed one another closely before she spoke again, more calmly now.
"I mean, for God's sake, Remus, take a risk for once -- "
He leaned forward and kissed her trembling lips. He didn't know what made him do it, but there was an aching need within that was quieted as soon as they touched. She was shocked, but didn't dare try to draw away. Lupin pulled her in close; she pressed against him, breathing in his wild scent. He slid his hand comfortably around her waist and brought the other to nestle in her hair, which had turned a vivid pink, and to deepen the kiss. They stayed locked in that warm embrace for a long time, absorbing the moment, and when they did finally disengage, Lupin breathed and slowly gave a shy yet relieved half-smile.
"Risky enough for you?" he asked, then gradually allowed both arms to tighten protectively around her as she nodded and ran a delicate hand over his face, tracing his scars, fearlessly, breathlessly. She rested her head on his shoulder, still inhaling the comforting earthy smell lingering around his neck, then leaned in again. As if reminded at once of his conscience, he gave a sharp intake of breath, a part of him still in shock of the sudden intimacy that had only just occured between them.
"I don't want to hurt -- " he began, but she raised a finger to his lips. He smiled slightly and inclined his head. "It's just -- " He then murmured in her ear, "I want us to be together more than anything. You make me...the happiest man alive. My only deepest fear, the one that's kept me from being with you, is that I won't be able to make you happy enough."
"Don't say that," said Tonks, stirring at his shoulder, but Lupin brought his hand to her hair and stroked it comfortingly.
"And if you're so willing to sacrifice your safety to be with me, and nothing in the world would make you happier, then that is all I desire."
He stood back slightly, wanting to get the full effect of her reaction. She was already beaming, her eyes glassy with tears. A smile was breaking out from the shadows on his face. "I love you, Nymphadora Tonks."
The heat of her blush matched that of her pink hair. "Say that again."
He loved her, she already knew that. He knew which part she wanted him to repeat. He grinned, murmuring each syllable clearly, "Nymphadora Tonks."
"It sounds so much better when you say it now." Tonks smiled. "And of course I love you, Remus Lupin." She ran her fingers through his tousled brown hair streaked with gray. "Why do you have to be so charming?"
"Ah, I find myself thinking the same thing of you."
"See? That's what I mean."
He watched her through eyes that had regained a certain sparkle back, one she hadn't seen for ages, as he held her in his arms. They kissed passionately again, the short whiskers of his face brushed hers. He shivered as their lips parted.
"I've wanted to do that for a long time," he admitted sincerely. "Very badly, I might add. I'm just sorry it wasn't anywhere -- or anytime -- more romantic."
A wide smile slowly lit up Tonks' flushed face. The hand that caressed his hair slipped to the back of his neck. "No. It was just right," she murmured, and leaned in for another kiss.
The Moment by Scarlett Maverick
Chapter Notes: This story takes place after the scene in the hospital wing infirmary, and before Dumbledore's funeral in HBP.