A tired looking man in tattered robes sat at a large wooden table staring at his cup of tea, which remained untouched. The crowd of people that surrounded him included a proud Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, all seven of their redheaded children (Percy was there, though he didn’t seem as if he wanted to be), Harry and Hermione, members of the Order, and many others he had only met that day. Among them, of course, were Bill and Fleur. It was for their wedding that this gathering had taken place at the Burrow, and they looked like any happy couple would on their wedding day “ nervous, excited, but unmistakably in love.
Bill’s and Fleur’s faces shone with happiness as they chatted with the guests, which made the numerous scars on Bill’s face hardly noticeable. Both families were getting along quite well, and most of them still talked of Fleur’s stunning dress or Bill’s new haircut for the occasion. It was quite a reception, and everyone seemed to be thoroughly enjoying themselves.
There was one person, however, who could not join in on the fun. It was the man sitting alone at the table, who had forced a smile on his face long enough to congratulate the blissful bride and groom, and be introduced to most of the Delacour family. He had acted just as happy as everyone else, although that was very far from what he was really feeling inside.
So he soon sank down on that chair at the empty table, accepting an offer of tea before becoming completely lost in his own thoughts. Even though all around him, the world seemed to be just right, he knew better. He knew the nightmare in which he was living, and knew that things could only get worse before they got any better. Remus Lupin would still feel all alone, no matter how many happy faces surrounded him.
“Remus, are you feeling alright? You haven’t had a drop of that tea since I gave it to you,” said a kind voice.
“I’m fine, Molly,” he said, standing up. “I guess I’m still quite full from lunch.”
“Well, if you need anything, just let me know,” Mrs. Weasley told him as she took the cup from his hands, still looking concerned.
Lupin noticed her worried face and was able to smile reassuringly. “You have too much going on to worry about me. I’m just a little worn out.” Then, lowering his voice, he added, “Being a werewolf can be tiring.”
Cheering up again, Mrs. Weasley nodded and patted his arm. “You get some rest then,” and she bustled away with his tea.
Lupin watched her go and, careful not to attract the attention of anyone else, he slipped through the back door and into the Weasley’s backyard. The sun had sunk much lower in the clear blue sky, but it still lit up the garden of overgrown weeds and beautiful flowers, whose fragrances he could smell as soon as he stepped outside. Lupin walked around the side of the house, where he would be out of sight. He sank down onto the warm grass and leaned up against the wall, knees bent. Then, he closed his eyes and allowed his thoughts to drift to the things that had been haunting him for so long.
Peter Pettigrew’s face was the first to flash through his mind. Lupin could still remember what he had been like when they were friends “ young, energetic, loyal, innocent. At least, he seemed that way. It didn’t seem to take much for Peter to turn on them all, and betray his best friend. How could someone who seemed so harmless cause the death of their own friend? Lupin shook his head. He could not, for the life of him, understand what had made Peter do such a thing. He thought he knew Peter so well, when really, he did not know him at all. Maybe he could have done something to stop it… to save James’s and Lily’s lives… even Sirius’s, because he did not have much of a life after being locked in Azkaban for a crime he did not commit… If only Lupin could go back, and maybe he’d find a way to stop Peter. There must have been a way. He just hadn’t seen it.
Poor James, he thought. I was his best friend and I let him down. Maybe I’m just as bad as Peter. Lupin knew that James would never blame him, but that did not make him feel any less responsible. Maybe James Potter would have lived if Lupin had stopped Peter from selling them out. He should have watched him closer, he should have noticed that Peter was no longer the innocent, loyal boy that he once was. If only he could have saved James’s life, things wouldn’t be so bad…
He wished Sirius were still alive. For a while, Lupin hadn’t felt so alone, because one of his fellow marauders turned out to be just as good of a person as they ever were. All those years, Lupin felt so hurt that Sirius could have ever betrayed James. And finally, years and years later, he had found out the truth. He had found his best friend again. It was a wonderful feeling, only to be ripped away two years later. And now, he was even more alone than he was before. Maybe I could have saved Sirius, too, he thought desperately. I was there…
A tear ran down Lupin’s cheek, but he did not bother to wipe it away. Instead, he buried his face in his hands, which were resting on his knees. He thought of Albus Dumbledore, the man whose eyes twinkled behind those half-moon spectacles and who never seemed to get any older. Could he really be dead? Dumbledore had showed him so much kindness, and Lupin was not sure if he had ever thanked him enough for what he had done. His ability to see the good in people allowed the former headmaster to see Lupin’s full potential as a student at Hogwarts, and not as a dangerous werewolf. Dumbledore had made it possible for Lupin to have the life he had now, and he was forever grateful. He only wished he could have said goodbye…
Maybe Lupin was destined to be alone forever, for he had lost those who mattered the most to him - even Tonks. For a while, Lupin thought it could have worked. But she was so young, so deserving of someone other than this tired, broken man. Someone that was not a vicious werewolf, but could instead give her everything she needed. He would probably lose her anyway, just like everyone else, and he did not want to experience any more pain. He could barely handle it now.
Lupin wondered what the point was. He was living in hell, every day sucking out more of his remaining happiness until he was eventually reduced to nothing. Did he really want to go through that for the rest of his life? He did not want to be alone anymore. He wanted the pain to stop, and he wanted to feel like himself again. But no matter what he did, Lupin could not forget everything he had lost. He could not force himself to be happy when he felt so, so sad. Maybe, just maybe, there was a way out…
“Er, Professor Lupin?” said a tentative voice.
Lupin’s head shot up, and he saw Harry Potter standing a few feet away from him. “Yes, Harry?”
“Mrs. Weasley told me to tell you that dinner’s ready,” he answered. “Are… are you alright?”
Lupin stared at the sixteen-year-old standing before him. He saw through his fake smile and lighthearted expression, and instead saw a boy with the saddest eyes he had ever seen… who put on a brave face even when inside, he was broken. Harry had lost so much so quickly, and had grown up with countless people depending on him to rid their world of the most powerful and evil man on earth. He saw someone who had looked death in the eye more than once and had escaped, not because he wanted to keep living the nightmare that was his life, but because so many people were counting on him.
Harry Potter was all alone, too, and he needed all the support that he could get. And that was when Lupin realized that for now, at least, he had a reason to live. So he stood up, silently put a strong and reassuring arm around Harry, and they walked inside… together.
A/N: I just wanted to say that after I wrote this fanfic, I began to love Lupin. My favorite was always Sirius, but when I sort of looked at Lupin in a different perspective, and realized the depth of his character (in general, not necessarily depressed!Lupin), I really began liking him. But enough of my rambling; I actually made this second note to bug you to please R/R… Okay not really, but that would be nice (: I hope you liked it.