A/N: Submitted for Quarterly Mythology Challenge by Ravensgryff of Gryffindor.
Snape and Draco left the cave; the hour had progressed toward that time of night when all became eerily still and the temperature plunged. The night song had ended and the earth slept. Snape wound his cloak tighter around his body. The mixture of dampness and cold made an uncomfortable combination. The only sounds to be heard were their breathing and the crunching of brush beneath their feet.
The pair proceeded through the Forbidden Forest. The woods seemed less imposing now that Snape had calmed himself. Instead of the sinister and treacherous atmosphere of their initial journey, there now seemed to be a resignation in the Forest, a grumpy acceptance of the current state of affairs. The surrounding darkness still felt oppressive, but less vindictive.
Draco walked just ahead of him and Snape observed with a mild interest how, even with all the fear and trauma of the past several hours, Draco still managed to carry himself with a hint of a swagger. Snape reflected on the differences in their personal histories, which ultimately ended both of them in the same place. Draco had always been encouraged to stand tall and look down on others; Snape had always been belittled and rebuffed…
A shy, runty boy of about seven years old snuck out of his shabby home. When the door stood open, loud shouts and desperate crying were audible; they were muffled again once it was closed. The boy’s appearance was greasy, disheveled and worn.
A crisp breeze blew wispy strands of clouds through the mostly azure sky. The streets were fairly empty two hours before suppertime; most people were still working. No one noticed the forlorn child roaming around. When the yelling at home became too loud or scary, he wished he had a friend or somewhere to go.
He headed toward the playground a few blocks away. Upon his arrival, he noticed four little girls flying back and forth on the swings. They seemed so happy and free; their laughter was loud and raucous. Severus had seen them before, but had never talked to them. He approached the swing set, but had no idea what to do next. Gradually their swinging slowed and their laughter died down, as if the strange boy’s presence was a pillow suffocating the joy right out of them.
“Yes?” One little girl addressed him with a tone of exasperation.
He peeked out from behind his hair and attempted a greeting. “H-h-hi. M-my name is Severus,” he mumbled.
“So?” said another girl. “What do you want? Why are you standing there like that? Are you stupid or something?”
“Yeah, can’t you talk?”
“What are you, some kind of weirdo? Go play with some boys, or are you queer?”
The jeers amplified and they began to advance on him.
They were talking too loud and fast and he began to panic. He had just wanted a turn on the swing, couldn’t they just shut up for a moment so he could explain? He felt his eyes start to water and he recoiled from the little harpies.
“Shut up and leave him alone!” It was a young female voice. He dared to look up and saw the last little girl pushing one of her friends back. “You great bullies! Can’t you see he’s just shy? It’s alright, little boy, they won’t bother you. You can swing.” She stretched a hand toward him.
But, Severus was now too afraid of being tricked or attacked again. Frightened, angry and lonely, he ran away and cried…
Snape wondered if their childhoods had been reversed, would he and Draco have still come to this same crossroads together?
They circumvented Hogsmeade and made their way up into the hills outside of the village. They were close enough to the village that any magic they did could go undetected. Now that they were out of immediate danger, Snape conjured a couple of broomsticks, a few days worth of food provisions and some heavy, waterproof cloaks. Then the pair found shelter in another cave. It was much larger and less ominous than the one they’d hidden in earlier; the airiness of the space almost made it inviting. They would rest here during the day and leave at nightfall.
Snape had made the judgment that they should stay away from the Wizarding world, at least until it was absolutely necessary to return and retrieve Narcissa, Draco’s mother. Unfortunately, this added a layer of complication to their journey, as they would be unwise to use magic in the Muggle world if they wanted to avoid Ministry detection.
Snape shared the details of his story (omitting some of the more private ones) with Draco along the way.
Twenty years earlier…
Severus sat in the library, alone as usual, with his face pressed into a book entitled, A Compendium of Poisons, engaged in his studies. The library was one of his favorite parts of the castle; it was quiet, except for the occasional swishing sound of pages turning or the gentle scratching of quills. The blend of leather and parchment created a soothing aroma for him. He glanced out of a window. The grounds were starting to show the first hints of spring, with buds just appearing at the tips of the tree branches and only a minute patch of snow scattered around in the areas that received the least sunshine. The student population had grown antsy over the winter months and most people were meandering about the grounds on this particular Sunday afternoon. Today the library held even more appeal to the scholarly fifteen year old than usual: a fiery, redheaded, young woman seated several tables away.
It wasn’t very common for Lily Evans to be seen out of the company of the giggling twits she usually surrounded herself with. However, on occasion, he would see her alone, immersed in study, not unlike himself. In those rare instances, he had to admit that she created a distraction for him, but it was a pleasant one, so he accepted it and glanced her way every few moments, his eyes shielded by the stringy black wall that was his protection and his trademark. He noticed the familiar quiver in his groin that he regularly experienced when he saw her, and squeezed his eyes shut until it was gone. Such lapses of self-control were unacceptable, but ultimately unavoidable, at least at this stage of his life.
He had stealthily observed Lily for the past three years. He’d never taken a great interest in any other girls, or that’s what he told himself, but the truth was that he was never willing to risk being ridiculed and rejected.
Lily treated him differently than most. In those infrequent moments that they communicated or made eye contact, he never saw, in her eyes, what he’d become accustomed to seeing in everyone else’s: scorn, disdain and contempt. She intrigued him. It didn’t hurt that she was also quite brilliant at Potions and Charms, two disciplines that required a great deal of precision. As if he needed any other reason to be increasingly smitten, there was also the way she constantly bludgeoned James Potter’s ego. He and James had hated each other from their very first meeting, so any day he was knocked down a notch was a joyous one for Severus.
He watched her and contemplated his next action. For several moments now, actually weeks, months even, he’d toyed with the notion of asking her to join him for a short walk around the lake. It seemed innocuous enough. He didn’t feel very hopeful that she’d be interested “ after all, what would people say if she were to be spotted with him? However, he at least felt certain that she wouldn’t scream at him or laugh in his face.
He rose and packed away his books. She was sitting in a dimly lit corner of the room. She had piles of books scattered across the desk and an oversized one open in her lap; her chair was pushed back just far enough for the top edge of the book to rest on the table. Severus sidled over to her, head hung low and …walked right past her. Cursing himself for his cowardice, he slowly doubled back. Still hidden behind his veil of hair, he murmured, “Hello, Lily.”
She looked up and gave him a pleasant smile. “Oh, hello, Severus. Studying hard?”
“Yes. Potions.” There was a strained silence. “It seems we’ve both been here for a long time and I was just wondering if you would care to take a break. I thought a short walk around the lake, perhaps?” He’d mumbled the words, his voice getting quieter and quieter with each one. His eyes were boring holes through the tips of his shoes and his breath was barely flowing past his lips. He chanced a sidelong glance at her to gauge her reaction. She didn’t appear to be revolted, a good sign, but rather mildly startled.
“Oh…er…thanks for the invite, but I really need to stay and finish up here.”
Although he never really expected her to say yes, disappointment, then anger, seized him. “It’s alright, Lily,” he spat, “I suppose you wouldn’t want to be seen with me. What would your friends think?”
She looked affronted and hurt; he felt a twisted sense of satisfaction at that. A flash of her own fury crossed her face before she recovered. “I should think that you would be the one to be ashamed of being seen with me, Severus. I know who you’ve associated with over the years “ Bellatrix and Narcissa Black, Lucius Malfoy when he was here. I know what they’ve said about me behind my back and I haven’t forgotten the things they’ve said to my face. Don’t you lecture me about not wanting to be seen with the wrong people.”
He felt a momentary regret. “I’ve never said any of those things about you,” he whispered.
She looked down at her books and then softened. “But you never stopped them either, did you? Look, I’m sure that you can be quite a decent person when you want to be and I suppose you’re right. I don’t want to be seen with you, but not for the reasons you think.” She gazed up at him calmly. “It’s just that there is someone I fancy, though only Merlin knows why. Anyway, I’m fairly certain he feels the same way about me. I don’t think it would be a good idea for him to see us together. I just don’t want any trouble. I’m sorry, Severus. If it’s any consolation, I think I might have liked to be your friend.” Her face appeared sincerely dismayed.
Severus was crushed. “I understand,” he choked out, unwilling to lose any more dignity, then turned to slink out of the library.
Severus remained mostly friendless within the walls of Hogwarts. He had kept in contact with Lucius Malfoy, who had become something of a mentor. Still, within the school walls, he was quite lonesome. As his isolation deepened, so did his bitterness. He was particularly venomous toward James Potter and his friends. While he clearly hated Potter the most, Bella’s cousin, Sirius Black wasn’t far out of the running for Severus’ malice. Then something extraordinarily terrible happened.
Black, one evening, thought it would be amusing to advise Severus to follow his friend, Remus Lupin, below the Whomping Willow. He told Severus how to use a long tree branch to strike the special knot on the trunk that would allow him to get close to the base, unharmed. There, Black said, he would find a secret passage and an amazing surprise. Severus had been curious about why Lupin disappeared so often and also wanted to find some reason to get the boy in trouble. Against his better judgment, he followed the instructions.
He could hear the different voices of night creatures and the lapping of the lake along the banks. When he reached the passage entrance, he could hear muffled sounds, banging, growling, and shouting. He felt inside his robes for his wand and moved closer, cautiously. Behind the small opening was a tunnel; it was too dark for Severus to see very far inside. He brandished his wand and whispered, “Lumos.” He entered slowly, and silently made his way along the corridor. The amplified sounds became a more frantic mixture of screaming and thrashing about. Eventually Severus could see the outline of a door ahead; the noise was frighteningly close, as if something waited just on the other side of it. If Remus Lupin was in there, only two things were possible: something was attacking and torturing him horribly or Lupin was making the noise himself. There was a loud hair-raising howl and Severus finally understood what was going on; tonight was a full moon and Lupin was a Werewolf! He stood at the door with his hand suspended just above the doorknob. His heart raced with a combination of excitement and fear. Curiosity made him want to see the beast with his own eyes, but common sense arrested his movement. Before Severus could decide either way, he heard a voice yell, “Petrificus Totalus!” and he felt invisible ropes bind him. There was a loud thud against the door just as his hand was snapped against his side. He felt himself toppled over and dragged by the armpits back out of the tunnel and clear of the Whomping Willow.
Potter had intervened and saved his longtime enemy’s life. Severus hated him doubly after that. Of all the cruel twists of fate that he could have encountered, owing a life debt to that insufferable, conceited, spoiled waste of human breath was among the worst that he could imagine. The only good that Severus could see was that he now had a legitimate reason to hate Black just as much as he did Potter.
Tension between Severus and his enemies amplified and reached a fever pitch when Black hexed him in front of a crowd near the lake one afternoon after they’d taken their O.W.L’s. He’d been minding his own business when the attack came, although he half expected it, just because it was a fairly common occurrence when that little gang was around. Lily had defended him then, but he had become so sour toward her that he attacked her as if she were one of the violators. Unable to withstand any more torment, he’d lost control and called her a “Mudblood.” The look in her eyes when the word shot into the ether made him immediately regret having said it and then his anger, at himself, overflowed. But Potter had him, powerless. He swore revenge on Potter, life debt or not.
Later, every negative epithet that had ever been hurled at him over the course of his miserable existence surfaced. “Idiot, scum, worthless, cretin, freak, coward…” They all paraded through his imagination as he mentally flogged himself for hurting Lily. If there had been any miniscule strand of hope for the two ever to become friends, it was brutally snapped with that one word. His remorse lingered for a long, long time.
Because no wound is complete without a dash of salt being rubbed into it, Severus learned, soon after that incident, that Lily and James had become a couple, confirming an earlier hunch. The last glimmer of light that he’d held in his soul, knowing that Potter couldn’t have her, was snuffed out, and Severus Snape sank into complete blackness.