A/N: Submitted for the Quarterly Challenge by Ravensgryff of Gryffindor House.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to J.K. Rowling.
The following evening, Snape’s eyes fluttered open as the waning daylight sent a subtle message into the depths of his brain. He tried to move, but found it difficult; sleeping in the uncomfortable armchair had stiffened him. Draco was stretched out on the couch with an arm hanging over the edge; a layer of dust had settled into his hair, leaving the impression that he’d aged as he slept the day away. Perhaps he had in a sense.
Snape got up and crossed to the front window. Peeking out from behind the moth-eaten curtain, he watched the day fade from what must have been a picture perfect day. The sky was layered with streaks of pink, purple, orange and blue as the sun lazily melted beyond the horizon. Snape could now see what had been concealed from him in the darkness of the night before: a vast valley full of wild, overgrown grass. The vibrant green grass was littered with yellow gorse that gave off a strong, sweet aroma of coconut.
There was a calmness to this place, a quietude, that Snape found alluring; if given the option to choose, he would gladly abandon the past twenty years of chaos and would make a fresh start in this abandoned haven of stillness. Although he’d just slept for several hours, he felt a weariness descend upon him. He felt an instant of understanding toward Albus Dumbledore; maybe eternal rest was not such a bad thing after all. Pushing these thoughts away, Snape refocused himself to the immediate tasks ahead. Hopefully, there would be time later, if all went well, to think about taking a rest.
He sighed, moved back to his chair, hugged his arms in toward his sides against the coming chill and pressed his fingertips together in front of his face. He stared across the room not really seeing anything, lost in thought. We have to move faster. If we don’t hurry, we won’t reach Narcissa before the Death Eaters do. If only there were a safe way to contact her, but she’s undoubtedly being watched too closely. Knowing Lucius, there must be some sort of hidden access to the mansion.
Severus figured that one more night of steady travel should get them to a more inhabited area where they could hopefully continue south by means of Muggle transportation, mixing with them to avoid detection.
“Draco, wake up. It’s time to go…”
November dawned with Severus feeling sickened and exhausted. He desperately fought against the panic that threatened to consume him. He kept telling himself that no one but the Dark Lord knew his whereabouts of the previous night, and he’d already handed out what punishment he intended. Severus would have to stay put and await orders; he wouldn’t want to anger the Dark Lord any further. He kept the heavy drapes covering his windows closed, appreciating the comforting darkness.
It was two days after Severus murdered James Potter and with no word from Lord Voldemort, he decided that he needed to find out what was happening. Someone should have either come to summon him by now, or to assassinate him. He stumbled to the lavatory and looked at himself in the mirror; he’d never looked so haggard. He quickly washed and dressed then emerged from his small home. But, he wasn’t sure where exactly he was going. He decided to start at the most obvious place, the chalet on the Lestrange estate; that was the last place he had seen the Dark Lord.
He found the house deserted. What should he do next? Something seemed amiss, but he couldn’t figure what. He Apparated to Lucius Malfoy’s manor, thinking that maybe his old friend would know something. He knocked for several minutes and got no response, which was odd considering that the Malfoys had both servants and House Elves. Finally there was a shuffling sound behind the great door, and a tense voice demanded that he identify himself. Severus complied.
The front door opened just a hair, and an eye peeked around the edge. Just below the eye, Severus could make out what appeared to be the tip of a wand. He recoiled slightly and reached for his own wand. “Lucius?”
“Are you alone, Severus?”
“Yes, why? Lucius, what has happened?”
The door swung open a bit more and Lucius commanded, “Come in, quickly!”
The manor was darkened and seemingly empty. Severus couldn’t get a good look at his mentor, but from what he could see, Lucius was agitated and had a growth of stubble around his cheeks and chin. He motioned for Severus to follow him, and they moved into the huge mansion, through a door, down several flights of spiraling stone steps and into a long tunnel. After many twists and turns, they finally entered a small room lit by candles along the walls. Lucius’ wife, Narcissa, held their infant son, Draco, and sat before an empty fireplace.
“You shouldn’t have come, Severus. It is too dangerous for any of us to be seen together right now.”
“Lucius, what is going on?”
Lucius appraised him with a look of incredulity; Narcissa turned toward him with a raised eyebrow. Lucius said, “Where have you been? You don’t know…Severus, the Dark Lord has been destroyed! As we speak, the Ministry and the Order of the Phoenix are hunting Death Eaters! You have to hide. We shouldn’t be seen together, and if you are caught, deny everything. Claim innocence, claim that you were being controlled by the Imperius Curse, lie. I, myself, am in the process of hiding as many dark artifacts as I can. It would look suspicious if you were discovered here, so for all our sakes, I have to ask you to leave.”
At first, Severus stared at Lucius wide-eyed and disbelieving, then as he absorbed the words of his “friend”, his eyes briefly narrowed. He quickly arranged his face into a more neutral visage and said, “Of course, Lucius, you must think of your family.” With a soft popping sound and a swirl of his cloak, Severus Apparated back to Spinner’s End.
He cleaned himself up and made himself more presentable. He couldn’t believe what Lucius had told him: Lord Voldemort was gone. It only took Severus a few more moments to decide what he should do. He Disapparated from his home and this time he knew somehow that his journey would be much more fruitful. This was a trip that should have been made long ago; if he had …Severus refocused his mind and entered the Hogs Head Inn. He asked to borrow an owl, sent a message to the castle and he started to walk away from the village of Hogsmeade toward the place where he knew he would find help: Hogwarts.
He decided to use the time during his long walk to get his story fixed in his mind. He had no intention of revealing too much to his old Headmaster if he could help it, and he hoped that Dumbledore remained unaware of his “associations”. Severus would merely say that he’d fallen on hard times and had found himself in need of employment. He’d ask for a Defense Against the Dark Arts position.
Severus could see his old school off in the distance, the castle’s towers partially concealed by the low hanging gray clouds. Because of the time of year, there was a definite bite in the air, but accompanying dampness suggested that rain was not far off. Severus felt more and more apprehensive with each step, wondering if he was making a mistake. Eventually he found himself facing a huge gate and was relieved to see someone standing behind it waiting to greet him. It was Mr. Filch, the grizzled and grumpy caretaker for whom Severus had always held at least a modicum of respect. The two men greeted each other with curt nods, and they proceeded to Dumbledore’s office. Filch spoke the password, “Dungbombs,” and the stone gargoyle moved.
Severus cautiously entered the large circular room and paused to take in the form of Albus Dumbledore. Even to the adult Severus, the Headmaster was still imposing and carried an aura of power that humbled the younger man. Dumbledore stood when Severus entered the room and smiled warmly, extending his hand. “Welcome back, Severus! It’s been quite some time.”
Severus crossed the room and shook hands, momentarily at a loss for words. Dumbledore offered tea and motioned for him to sit down in one of the cushy chintz chairs beside him. He sat, never taking his eyes off of Dumbledore, calculating how best to proceed. “Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Headmaster.” He took a sip of the piping hot tea and set the cup down on the desk.
“Not at all, Severus. Your note indicated that you are seeking a teaching position.”
“Yes, that’s correct…” and Severus launched into his rehearsed speech about why he needed the job. “So if there were an opening, perhaps in Defense Against the Dark Arts, it was always a top subject of mine, I’d be quite appreciative, sir.”
Dumbledore remained silent and peered at Severus over his half-moon shaped spectacles. He had a hint of a smile partially hidden by his flowing white beard.
“Is that quite all, Severus? There’s nothing else you’d like to add?”
Severus began to feel uncomfortable under the older man’s gaze and wrenched his eyes away. He suddenly felt as if he’d stumbled into a trap and was unsure of how dangerous a trap it might be if sprung.
“Come now, Severus, let us respect each other’s intelligence. I will not insult you by letting you think that I’ve swallowed your story. Please don’t insult me by attempting to stick to it.”
Severus sat, using every ounce of fortitude he possessed to keep his face impassive. He looked Dumbledore in the eye, and then detecting a flash of anger, realized that he was beaten. He dropped his eyes and sighed. “How long have you known, sir?”
“For months now, Severus. I can’t say that I was surprised, though I was still a touch disappointed. I knew who your friends were when you attended Hogwarts. It wasn’t that hard to figure out, actually. However, I am aware that you’ve also managed to keep your hands fairly clean over the past couple of years. Perhaps there is still hope for you.”
Then Severus began to feel a familiar sensation coming over him: anger. This old man in front of him thought he knew so much. He had no idea what Severus’ life had been like before, during or after Hogwarts. Who was he, the almighty Albus Dumbledore, to judge his actions? And, how dare he play this game of cat and mouse now? At least when the Dark Lord wanted to punish you, he did it outright and got it over with; he didn’t drag out the game.
“Severus, I am not going to toy with you as you seem to expect. However, in order for me to allow you to come back to this school to teach, I must be able to trust you with the impressionable young minds and hearts that you would be working with. My first responsibility to this school as Headmaster is to make sure that her students are safe. Right now I am sorry to say that, due to your past associations, I am not convinced that you are a safe candidate to teach here. But, if you care to tell me the truth, it is still possible that you could convince me otherwise.”
Severus stared long and hard at his former Headmaster, analyzing his predicament. He finally concluded that Dumbledore could be a powerful ally and that the truth would be his best chance of gaining his trust. So, he told Dumbledore everything from his feelings for Lily Potter to his involvement with Lucius and the other Death Eaters to his attempt to save his most hated enemy’s family and being cursed as a result of it. At the mention of Lily’s name he felt a sense of sadness and failure descend upon him. Recalling her screams was like having needles puncturing his chest. The history of himself and Lucius unearthed feelings of betrayal. He remembered how Lucius’ words used to drip from his mouth like poisoned honey every time he spoke of the wonders and powers of his Master, who promised to become the most powerful Wizard of all time. Severus inwardly sneered at the promises he’d been offered, promises of power and glory beyond his imagining. As he spoke, the calm façade that he’d adopted started to crack.
He revealed to Dumbledore how disillusioned and worried he’d become once the murders began. Then came his orders to kill little Harry Potter. Severus’ hands shook as he told of trying to conceal his horror from Lord Voldemort. Of all the heinous things he could be asked to do, he’d never expected to be commanded to murder an innocent child. Finally, the dam of Severus’ voice and his cool demeanor broke away completely. He could no longer look at Dumbledore and buried his face in his hands instead. He felt mortified and disgusted with himself, first for following Voldemort and second for allowing things to go as far as they did.
“When he told me what his ‘wonderful’ news was, I admit that I had the briefest moment of happiness at the idea of bringing James Potter such pain. But…the boy was a mere baby. I knew about the prophecy…I was the one who informed the Dark Lord…” He sobbed into his hands. “But surely, a Wizard of his power needn’t fear a baby… and then I pictured her face. I wanted to die rather than to have been the one that betrayed her! He put me under the Imperius Curse to kill James, but when he ordered me up the stairs I fought! I swear, I fought as hard as I could, with everything I had in me, but it wasn’t enough!” Had he been stronger, more ethical, the friend that Lily ‘might have liked to have’, maybe she would still be alive. Shame filled tears poured from his eyes. “And, because he’d found out that I’d attempted to betray him, he cursed me. I don’t even know what the curse was and now there’s no chance of him reversing it. It’s no worse than I deserve!”
His head dropped again as a fresh spate of tears gushed down his cheeks. He remained this way for several uninterrupted moments, his body convulsing violently as he released what seemed to be an entire lifetime of grief and hurt. Coherent thought had long since vanished. “What have I done?” He shouted throwing his hands in the air. “How could I have been so…what kind of a monster…don’t deserve to live!" He let out a gut-wrenching howl, now clutching his hair and trying to rip it out at the roots hoping that he could rid himself of the filthy memories infecting him. Eventually, he quieted enough to hear Dumbledore’s voice.
“Severus…please. Look at me.”
Dumbledore gazed at Severus shrewdly and this time the black haired young man met his eyes and did not look away. Finally the Headmaster said, “I believe that in your heart you regret some of the more destructive choices you’ve made and I believe that you deserve a second chance. From what you’ve told me and from information I’ve gathered from other sources, I do not believe that we’ve seen the last of Lord Voldemort. I can see your obvious remorse. But, if he returns to power, how can I be sure that , you won’t go back to serving him?”
Severus gazed at the Headmaster blankly. Just beyond Dumbledore, through the open window behind him, he could see that the rain had come and was falling with abandon. It was as if the sky had become weary of trying to contain it; the wind sighed its relief. He’d just poured out his soul to this man, revealed more of himself to Dumbledore, than he had to anyone else in his entire history. What more could Dumbledore possibly ask of him?
Dumbledore continued, “I will make a deal with you. I do not think it would be wise to put you into the Defense Against the Dark Arts position lest you are tempted to regress to your old ways; however, I seem to recall that you had an equally high aptitude for Potions. As it happens, Professor Slughorn has recently decided to retire and his position is where you can fill a vacancy. It would also mean becoming the Head of Slytherin House.”
So far, this seemed workable on Severus’ part, although he was slightly disgruntled at not being allowed to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts even after all he’d just said. He could never imagine returning to Voldemort’s service.
“Second, I am familiar with the curse that Voldemort placed on you. It is called Arachne’s Curse and can only be countered with a potion called, if memory serves, the Draught of Athena. It is quite an arcane formula, but I will do all I can to help you to create it and thus cure yourself.”
This was more than Severus had hoped for and he was openly surprised at the pronouncement. He hadn’t intended to mention the curse, it had just slipped out with the rest of the emotional torrent he’d released moments ago.
“Finally, if you are willing to give some names of your fellow Death Eaters, I will vouch for you and I’m fairly certain that I can keep you out of Azkaban.”
This did not come as much of a surprise to Severus and frankly, he wasn’t all that bothered about naming some of the others. He knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that some would be all too willing to point an accusing finger at him in order to save their own necks. At last, he responded to Dumbledore’s offers with a question, “And what else, Headmaster, will you require in return for your generosity?”
Still watching over his glasses with a serene smile playing around his lips, Dumbledore responded, “You always were one of our brightest, Severus. If only you had used your considerable talents more wisely, how far you would have gotten! In return, I will require an oath “ The Unbreakable Vow, to be precise “ to ensure the safety of our students and your loyalty to myself and to Hogwarts.” The statements hung in the air like a criminal at the end of a noose. “Think it over, Severus, there is no rush.”
But, in the end, Severus decided that despite the fact that he felt as if he were enslaving himself to Dumbledore just as much as he had to Voldemort, the difference was that at Hogwarts, he would be safe. At least he would not be required to maim and torture, or to kill innocents. He could also learn a great deal from Dumbledore especially in the areas of Legilimency and Occlumency. So, Dumbledore contacted his brother, Aberforth Dumbledore, who Severus recognized from the Hog’s Head, to be their Bonder.
“Are you ready, Severus?”
Severus had had time to collect himself and clean himself up. He appreciated the fact that Dumbledore continued to act normally after his breakdown. “Yes, Headmaster.”
Dumbledore called his brother over and joined his right hand with Severus’. Aberforth rested the tip of his wand on the intertwined hands.
“Will you, Severus, protect any student of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, even at the expense of your own life?”
“I will,” Severus replied. A thin red flame surrounded their wrists, binding them together.
“”Will you, Severus, remain loyal to Hogwarts and to the Order of the Phoenix, should it ever have to be recalled?”
“I will,” came the second oath. A second flame surrounded their wrists and intermingled with the first.
“And, no matter what the task, will you, Severus, follow any instruction I give you without hesitation and without question?”
Severus hesitated for a split second, fearing a trap, but at a glance from Dumbledore, replied, “I will.” A third tongue of flame shot from the tip of Aberforth’s wand and created a rope of fire around their hands sealing the pact.
“Excellent, Severus,” Dumbledore said, releasing his grip. “You may return to your home, gather your things and begin tomorrow.”
With a slow nod, Severus backed away, turned and found his way outside the castle. The rain had stopped and the clouds were steadily blowing eastward.