Author's Notes:
The Epicly Bad Tales orginated on the Accio Firebolt Forums. I was screwing around, as usual, when the question "How do you think Ron and Hermione will reveal their feelings for one another?" came up. I decided to be an ass and started writing random scenarios instead of answering directly, and thus gavve birth to the first Epicly Bad Tale (and yes, I know spelled Epicly on wrong, that was on purpose.) EBT's are founded on the cameo and just plain stupidity, and tend to be written as a direct smack in the face of the fandom in general. Ergo, you will see me (Seren) and various fandoms and their members popping up from time to time. Don't take it seriously.
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Prologue : The reckoning
Owl : *flies in*
Hermione : Oh look, a letter from Krum.
Ron : *storms and stomps his feet*
Harry: *is vastly amused*
Ron: Vicky is a git.
Hermione: You are a prat.
Ron: I HATE YOU!
Hermione: *leaves in high dudgeons*
Harry: What's dudgeons?
Owl: *hoots in amusement* Humans.
Ron : ....did that owl just speak?
Act One : In which Harry pesters Hermione, and Ron gets a wakeup call.
Scene One - In the Library
Harry : Hermione, why do you fight with Ron all the time?
Hermione : I don't suppose the fact that he's a neanderthalic, heartless imbecile has anything to do with it.
Harry : ....what?
Hermione : Look, Harry, Ron's just a prat, He hates me. He tells me all the time. He can barely look at me. *is upset*
Lightbulb : *goes off over Harry's head*
Madame Pince : Shut that light off! You're blinding the other students.
Harry : Sorry. *clicks light off*
Hermione : *continues to read *
Harry : Hermione... you like Ron, don't you?!
Hermione : Thank you, Captain Obvious. How long did it take you to figure that out?
H/Hr Shippers : NO!!!! HARRY AND HERMIONE FOREVER!!!!!!
Seren : Shut up, you, this is my story.
fireboltflyer : *giggles*
Scene Two - In the Gryffindor Common Room
Ron : *grunts*
Ginny : What's up, pathetic brother of mine?
Ron : NOYGDB.
Ginny : What's that mean?
Ron : You're too young to know.
Ginny : TOO YOUNG THIS! *casts Bat-Bogey-Hex*
Ron : *screams like a little girl*
Ginny : Now that I have your attention...
Ron : *continues to shriek*
Ginny : Ron, I know you like Hermione.
Ron : How do you know?
Ginny : Well, the fact that you moan "Hermione, I like you" in your sleep was the first big tipoff.
Ron : ....I HATE YOU!
Ginny : Shut it, prat. Shut up.
Ron : *glares*
Act Two - In which Harry and Ginny conspire, Seren begins her abuse of D/Hr shippers, and Cedric gets to soak H/Hr Shippers.
Scene One - In the Corridors
Ginny : They've got to admit that they fancy one another.
Harry : They'd better soon, or they'll kill one another.
Ginny : I suppose that works too.
Draco : *enters snarkily*
Ginny : *rolls her eyes*
Harry : ... what does Snarky mean?
Seren : Someone get this boy a dictionary!
Draco : The Mudblood will get with me, Potty. And so will the Weaselette. Opposites attract!
D/Hr Shippers : Yay!
Seren : Hey! Who's writing this?!
Ginny : Shut it, Draco.
Harry : *puts hand on Ginny's back and begins to steer her away from Draco*
H/G Shippers : Woohoo!
Seren : GET OUT OF MY BLASTED STORY, FOOLS!
Scene Two - On the Grounds of Hogwarts.
Ginny : We could fake love letters to each of them.
Harry : I'm not sure your brother would understand all the big words Hermione uses.
Ginny : I'm not sure he can read at all.
Harry : I've wondered that too...
Draco : *continues to be annoying*
Harry : *continues to ignore him*
H/D Shippers : *begin to cheer and are shot down by Seren*
Ginny : Maybe they need counseling.
Harry : For what?
Ginny : They're clearly in denial.
Harry : How are we going to manage that? "Hi, my name is Ronald Weasley, and I am in love with my best friend." Can you see Ron doing that?
H/Hr Shippers : No, but we can see you doing that, Harry!
Cedric : *runs in with a water gun and douses H/Hr Shippers*
fireboltflyer : *laughs uncontrollably*
Act Three - Things get tense
Scene One - The Great Hall
Ron : Bicker bicker bicker bicker Vicky bicker bicker bicker bicker bicker nerd.
Hermione : Bicker bicker bicker bicker bicker bicker Stupid Moron bicker bicker.
Ron : Bicker bicker bicker bicker bicker prat bicker.
Hermione : This is such a monotonous conversation.
Harry : What does -
fireboltflyer : *hands Harry a dictionary*
Harry : Who in bloody hell are you?
fireboltflyer : I'm just here to see Robert Patterson.
Ron : *is more confused than normal*
Ginny : Oh look! There's going to be another dance!
Harry : WHAT?
Ron : Why?
Ginny : *shrugs* Because that's what the author wanted.
Harry and Ron : *glare at Seren*
Seren : What?
Hermione : Come on, Ginny, let's go to the dorm and act totally out of character by giggling over boys. I'll even talk about my hair.
Ginny : Okay! *they leave*
Harry : So, Ron, who're you going to ask?
Ron : *scowls darkly*
Lightbulb : *goes off over Harry's head again*
Ron : Turn that thing off!
Harry : Sorry. *turns off*
Harry : Just ask her. I know you've been wanting to.
Ron : *walks off in a miserable, moping fashion*
Scene 2 - Hermione's Dorm Room
Ginny : Giggle giggle fancy robes giggle.
Hermione : Giggle giggle hair giggle.
R/Hr Shippers : GET ON WITH IT!
Ginny : Who're you going with to the ball?
Hermione : Oh, no one, I suppose.
Ginny : You're not going to go with some fabu Quidditch Player?
Hermione : Sorry, they've already used that plot device. Didn't work last time.
Viktor Figurine : Tell me about it.
Ginny : Why don't you ask Ron?
Hermione : Because I'm supposed to be stubborn and wait for him to make the first move.
Ginny : You're going to die an old maid.
Hermione : Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Ginny : Any time.
Crookshanks : *purrs*
Hermione : *grumps*
Cho Malfoy : GET ON WITH IT!
Scene 3 - On the Grounds of Hogwarts with Ron
Ron : *continues to scowl*
Draco : *wanders out snarkily*
Whomping Willow : *whomps about*
Draco : Look at the Weasel, all alone and sad because I'm going to get with Hermione.
D/Hr shippers : Hoorah!
Eternal_Gore : *rushes out and beats them with a hardcover copy of OOTP*
Ron : She's annoying. She's a know-it-all. She has bushy hair. Why her?
HP Fans : Because Jo said so, doofus.
Ron : Who asked you all? *sighs* She's the girl of my dreams...
Draco : Well, I'm going to ask her to the ball, because we need a new plot device to get your rear in gear.
Ron : EAT SLUGS, MALFOY!
Draco : *starts barfing slugs*
Ron : Hey, it worked! *leaves*
Cho Malfoy : Could he be any more dense?
Act 4 - Hogsmeade
Scene 1 - The Trio, Ginny, and Dean
Ron : *mopes*
Hermione : *mopes*
Harry : Aren't you two just perky today?
Hermione : Shut up.
Dean : Hey Ginny, want to go to Zonko's?
Ron : Why are you in this scene?
Seren : Because the HBP has to make a cameo, stupid.
Ginny : Maybe later, Dean. I want to see how much longer Ron can mope.
Harry : Hey, let's go look at dress robes! I'm sure we'll all enjoy it thoroughly!
Ron and Hermione : *give Harry the Molly Weasley Glare of Impending Doom*
Harry : Or not.
Scene 2 - Gryffindor Boy's Dorm - Harry, Seamus, Dean, Neville, Ron
Harry : Dude, just ask her.
Ron : What's a dude?
Seamus : Ron, we all know that you've hankered after Hermione for ages.
Ron : How do you know?
Neville : You talk in your sleep.
Ron : So I've heard.
Harry : Anyways, you've just got to ask her, Ron. You like her, she likes you.
Ron : Yeah, I'm sure that everytime she calls me a emotionally-stunted caveman, she's really trying to say "Let's shag, baby!"
Dean : Hey guys, how does this crown look on me?
Cedric and fireboltflyer : Fabulous!
Harry : Aren't you a Gryffindor? Aren't you supposed to be brave?
Ron : Certain death and destruction I can deal with. Rampaging know-it-alls is another story. At least with death, I don't have to worry about getting certain body parts cut off.
Sarah : That's okay, she's going to get with Severus Snape anyways.
Neville : Weirdo.
Scene 3 - Gryffindor Girl's Dorm - Hermione, Parvati, Lavender, and the Invisi-girls.
Parvati : Try this lipstick, Hermione.
Hermione : No thank you; I had my moment of OOCness a few scenes up.
Lavender : Has Ron asked you yet?
Hermione : *curses at Lavender and Parvati*
L&P : Yeesh. *they leave*
Invisi-Girl 1 : Thank goodness they're gone.
Hermione : Who are you?
Invisi-Girl 2 : We're your dormmates.
Hermione : ...
Invisi-Girl 1 : You mean you've never noticed us?
Hermione : ...
Invisi-Girl 2 : Oh, good gravy.
Hermione : He's never going to like me. Why do I like him? Is it the red hair? The foolishly cute grin? The laugh?
Invisi-Girl 1 : I thought it was his rippling biceps.
Hermione : That's not too bad, either. *sighs*
Act 5 - The Day Before The Dance
Scene One - Breakfast - Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Dean, Neville, Seamus, Lavender, Parvati, Harry
Seamus : So Lavender and I are going to the dance together.
Neville : I'm going with Padma Patil.
HMMS What Are They Thinking? members : Yay!
Parvati : I'm going with some random person who isn't important to the story line.
Seamus : Cool.
Ron : Who're you going with, Hermione?
Hermione : No one.
Ron : I'll kill him! I'll rip him from limb to limb! I'll -
Harry : She said she wasn't going with anyone, moron.
Dean : How do these noble-type robes look on me?
Cedric and fireboltflyer : Vonderful, dahlink!
Harry : I'm going with Luna.
Hermione : Cool.
Ginny : You're very mono-syllabic today.
Harry : *whips out dictionary*
Ginny : *nudges Ron* Ask her.
Ron : *continues to inhale food*
Cho Malfoy : Good gravy!
Ron : Yes, I think it's rather good too.
Scene 2 - Gryffindor Common Room - Same as above. (It's coming soon, I swear!)
Dean : Does this sceptre go with my royal robes?
R/Hr Shippers : YES! GET A MOVE ON!
Seren : SHUT UP!
Ron : * tries on new dress robes *
Seamus : Vair, vair nice.
Hermione : * sweeps out in a tizzy *
Ron : Where's she going?
Harry : I don't know. Go follow her.
Ron : Why?
Seren : Because I said so, fool. PLOT DEVICE!
Scene 3 - Corridors - Ron, Hermione, Draco
Hermione : * hurries *
Draco : Ah, my darling Mudblood.
Hermione : I don't know where your L'Oreal hairdye box is, Goldilocks, so piss off.
Draco : I wanted to ask you to the ball.
Hermione : Yeah, and Riddle is the HBP.
Fangirls : He is!
Draco : I'm serious.
Hermione : But I love someone else.
Ron : * smiles happily and runs out *
Ron : I love you too.
Hermione : * turns red and rushes off *
Draco : Smooth move, Casanova.
Act 6 - The fight (FINALLY!)
Ginny : * taps foot * Where is Hermione?
Harry : Where's Ron?
Neville : Both sulking, I imagine.
R/Hr Shippers : COME ON!
Ron : *comes storming out and sits on chair * Where's Hermione?
Hermione : * comes sweeping down with the Invisi-girls *
Ron : Who are they?
Harry : * shrugs *
Hermione : * comes sweeping down in style *
Male jaws : * drop with a thunk *
Harry : * drags Ron to a corner and has a hushed conversation with him *
Harry : I know you fancy Hermione.
Ron : *eats chocolate frogs*
Harry : You always bicker with her.
H/Hr fans : But you belong with her, Harry!
Harry : Shut it, you. Come on, Ron, you know you want to kiss her.
Ron : *continues to eat chocolate frogs*
Harry : You always stare at her!
D/Hr fans : Opposites attract! Draco and Hermione!
Seren : *runs in and beats D/Hr fans with copy of World book day transcript*
fireboltflyer : Bwhaha!
H/Hr fans : But they were meant to be?
Cedric : *goes into cardiac arrest from laughing at H/Hr shippers too hard*
Seren : *continues beating D/Hr shippers with Uthian*
Creevey Brothers : * flounce in *
Harry : * angrily * FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, RON, JUST ASK HER OUT BEFORE WE ALL LOSE OUR MINDS!
HP Fans : Yeah!
Hermione : * pissy voice * If he's too good for me, then forget it. It's not worth the effort.
Ron : * turns red * I'm too good for you?! You always act like I'm some asanine fool!
Ginny : That's because you are, dear brother.
Hermione : You act as if I'm not a girl, and as if you don't care about me at all!
Ron : ARE YOU MAD?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WORRIED ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU WERE PETRIFIED, OR WHEN YOU ALMOST DIED LAST YEAR?!
Hermione : Well, you have a funny way of showing it!
Harry : She has a point.
Ron and Hermione : SHUT UP!
Harry : Jesus.
Dean : Should I wear the crown with blue velvet, or red velvet?
Ron : * storms off towards portrait door *
Hermione : *picks up Dennis Creevey and throws him at Ron's head *
Dennis : Whee!
Ron : YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS! ALWAYS NATTERING ON ABOUT VICKY!
Hermione : YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME OR MY FEELINGS! ALL YOU CARE IS WHETHER I'LL DO YOUR HOMEWORK!
Hermione : * picks up Colin Creevey and throws him at Ron *
Colin : * takes pictures *
RON : I hate you! You're too smart!
Hermione : I hate you! You're so oblivious!
Ron : Nerd!
Hermione : Loser!
Ron : *snogs Hermione*
fbf and Cedric : Yay!
Harry : ... what's oblivious mean?
* awkward silence *
Hermione : * turns red and runs towards dorm *
Ron : * does the same *
Harry : Jesus.
Jesus : That's my name, don't wear it out.
AFTER THE DANCE
Harry : Well, that was fun.
Ginny : I wonder how Ron and Hermione are doing.
Dean : * polishes his sceptre *
Harry : * walks in * OMG!
Ginny : What's oh-em-gee mean?
Harry : * points *
Ron and Hermione : * make out like mad *
R/Hr Shippers : FINALLY! GOOD GRAVY!
Neville : You all owe me five galleons.
Everyone else : * grumbles and hands over money *
Ron : *continues to snog*
Cho : It's about bloody time!
H/Hr Shippers : *indignantly* Hey!
Cho : *sets H/Hr shippers (all but Seren, thanks much!) on fire*
Seren : *points and laughs and goes back to beating D/Hr shippers with eternal_gore*
Cedric : *warms his hands on the fire*
Harry : I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT OBLIVIOUS MEANS!!
Seren : * falls asleep *