24: Epiphany
“It’s no use!”
With a huff of frustration, Nymphadora Tonks released the handle of desk drawer and rose furiously to her feet, thumping her small fist against the solid wood of the desktop in emphasis of her mood. Quills shuddered at the impact and pictures rattled against the glass in their frames, causing their Lupin and Goldstein occupants to frown and shake their fists. The Auror however, paid them no heed.
“I should never have shut the bloody thing.” With a weary sigh, Tonks raked her fingers through her dishevelled dark hair and folded back into Rebekah’s chair, her eyes riddled with grim defeat. “It’s bad enough being trapped in here but now we can’t even read the evidence we came to find!” In a tone more rich in hope than expectation, she added, “Have you had any luck?”
“None.” Adding a sigh of his own, Remus turned away from the solid and firmly sealed door at which he had been prodding and deposited himself against the corner of the desk with shoulders slumped and eyes downcast. “It’s a standard wand seal. Alohamora bounces off it, as does every other spell I’ve tried. The wire I transfigured to try and pick the lock melted as soon as it made contact. Short of blasting a hole in the wall with a few Reductor curses, we aren’t going anywhere.”
“And if we tried blasting the walls, security would be on us before we could blink.” Tonks twirled her wand absently between her fingers. “Not to mention the shrapnel. I don’t suppose you thought to bring your coin?” Remus solemnly shook his head and she sighed deeply. “No, me neither. Right pair of bright sparks we are.” Her dark eyes lifted and found her companion’s solemn gaze. “Well, that’s it then. We’ve got no choice. We sit here until morning and pray that we can find a way to sneak out under the cloak without getting caught when Cymone or Rebekah next opens the door.”
Remus smiled wanly. “That’s about the size of it.”
“Hoo-bloody-rah.” The Auror rolled her eyes. “Because I just love waiting. Ask Kingsley. I’m the nightmare companion on a stakeout.”
Remus’ smile was more genuine. “I can imagine.”
Tonks’ eyebrow rose archly. “And what is that supposed to mean?”
“You said you were a nightmare, not me.” Stifling a yawn, Remus pulled himself upright once more. “I was just agreeing with you.”
“Smug git.” In spite of the insult, Tonks was smiling. “Well then, Remus. Unless you have a chessboard or a pack of cards hidden in your robes, I guess we’ll have to find some way to pass the next seven or eight hours of shared confinement. So…” Her smile broadened into a grin. “I spy with my little eye…”
“…Something beginning with no.” Remus folded his arms sternly. “James and Sirius used to drive me mad with that game in classes that bored them. It never occurred to them that not everyone in the world was a genius and some of us actually needed to listen to the teacher in order to pass their exams. I still believe that something beginning with G was the reason Peter failed History of Magic.”
“Ghost.” Tonks grinned again. “Okay fine, no I Spy. Noughts and Crosses?”
Remus narrowed his eyes in mock sternness. “It is intellectually impossible for two intelligent people to play Noughts and Crosses without it ending in a draw. It took me a week and several hundred games to prove that one to Sirius in fourth year “ we ended up playing on a nine by nine grid and it still came out all square. I have no desire to turn my brain to mush in pursuit of impossible victory, thank you very much.”
“Misery.” The grin was spreading. “All right then, Mr Intellectual. What do you suggest we play?”
Remus shrugged slightly. “How about a few hours sleep?”
Tonks chuckled. “Never heard of it.”
“Then let me enlighten you.” Lifting the invisibility cloak from its resting place draped over a cloak hook by the door, Remus rolled the thin material into a bundle and held it up with a dry smile. “This is called a pillow. We place it on the floor thus.” Bending down carefully, Remus rested the bundle alongside Rebekah’s desk and plumped it deliberately. “And then, one of us places our head against the pillow and gets approximately three hours of much needed sleep whilst the other stays awake and listens for Institute activity. And then when the three hours are up, we swap. Simple.”
“Boring.” Tonks shrugged slightly. “But alas, it’s the best plan we’ve got. But if I may make an amendment?”
“By all means.”
“How about the person who stays awake searches the rest of the office?” Tonks swept an encompassing hand around the small room. “I doubt we’ll find anything important out in the open but it’s worth a shot.”
“Good amendment.” Fighting a second yawn, Remus gestured to the makeshift bed. “Do you want to go first?”
Tonks shook her head. “You take it. I was able to get some sleep this afternoon in preparation for an all nighter. But I know you had classes. You must be knackered, Remus.”
Privately, Remus had to admit she was right. He had managed a few catnaps throughout the day and a solid hour or two in the evening, but tiredness, fuelled by the impending moon, had been dragging at him for a while now. A little sleep would be a welcome relief.
He nodded his concession. “If you’re sure…”
“I’m sure. Sleep.” Tonks pointed sternly to the floor. “And in the mean time,” her eyes gazed around the document and book crammed room, “I guess I’ll get started.”
* * *
Considering that they were trapped in the very heart of a hostile institution, the next few hours passed with surprisingly little incident. The sleep that Remus managed was more than welcome, though he was a little annoyed to find, on being woken by Tonks, that she had allowed him to doze not for three hours as agreed but for five. But the Auror brushed off his scolding “ he needed it more than she did, she insisted “ before settling down for a few quick hours of her own. And then, picking up where she told him she’d left off, Remus took over the search of the office.
As expected, he found nothing incriminating. Most of the books were simply academic and medical tomes on lycanthropy, the notebooks, scrolls and documents plain and un-sinister research notes on the Institute’s work. Remus was interested to observe that the handwriting in many of the notebooks, purportedly Rebekah’s, was markedly different to the handwriting he had observed on the documents in the ebony box, perhaps another indication of her possible replacement. But other than that insubstantial evidence, there was no Death Eater plot to be found.
And so, the night passed. And the clock on the shelf struck seven.
Remus was not certain at what time of day the staff of the Institute would rise and begin their work. But he was sure it could not be long now.
He should wake Tonks. They needed to be ready to move.
But she looked so peaceful.
His eyes fell upon the form of the sleeping Auror. She lay on her side, hands curled beneath the makeshift pillow, legs bent, hair wild, her deep and even breathing marked by the gentle rise and fall of her chest beneath her robes. Her face was relaxed, serene even, as she expelled each soft breath in a rhythmic breeze, her dark and lively eyes hidden beneath a closed expanse of eyelid. Her eyelashes fluttered slightly.
Remus felt himself smile. It was strange; she had worked her way into his life so gradually, with a subtlety both unexpected and impressive for someone who, by her own admission, was about as clumsy as they came. Their friendship had grown gently, almost surprisingly, evolved from casual Order acquaintance, to comrades, to friends, to good friends, to best friends in a way that Remus would never have expected. Had anyone thought to tell him, on that summer evening so long ago, that the cheerful violet haired young Auror that Kingsley had brought along to her first Order meeting would come to mean so much to him, he would never have been able to believe them.
And it was all the stranger because, to the outside eye, they made such an unlikely pair of friends. Remus Lupin, the infamous werewolf professor, prematurely aged by his condition, sneaking up with ever distressing speed upon his fortieth birthday, known for his quiet restraint, his air of calm and control; Nymphadora Tonks, Auror, metamorphmagus, vibrant and colourful, still young, so young and bright, clumsy but professional, warm and witty, ever changing without but always Tonks, just Tonks within. A wonderful, amazing young woman whose determination to befriend him still bemused him utterly.
He breathed in quietly. He had never been able to understand just why it was she took so much apparent pleasure from his company. How had he been so fortunate as to win her friendship, a friendship that meant so much to him he could not imagine life without it?
Even though he’d almost had to.
A chill touched his heart as he remembered her pale face, her limp body, the warm flow of her life’s blood draining through his fingers as he clung to her possessively, protectively, amidst a circle of Death Eaters. Trapped in that terrible moment, he had barely been able to find time to consider what might have happened had she not survived the ordeal, but the aftermath had been a different story; his mind and emotions had shuddered against the edges of the hollow void that had plunged within him at mere prospect of her death on the long walk back to the school. The relief he had felt as they talked in the Hospital Wing the next morning had been all but overwhelming…
Relief. That’s all that feeling had been. Relief.
She was his friend.
His fingers tightened almost instinctively around the arms of the chair. In any case, it was irrelevant. She would never even consider thinking of him in such a way.
Except that she did. She does. You saw the look in her eyes that morning. And you know what she was trying to tell you earlier tonight…
No.
Stop.
This was absurd. Even if, by some miracle of truly appalling judgement, she was to declare… those kind of feelings for him, he could never allow it. It wouldn’t be fair on her, inflicting himself upon a life barely started, thrusting into her vibrant world the misfortune of a man worn older than his years by circumstances and the bitter losses of a life too full of pain. What right did he have to drag her down with him? What right did he have to taint her future with the scars of his past?
There’s nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t. I don’t have the right.
She deserves so much better than me.
Even if I…
Remus froze. His eyes locked upon the Auror’s sleeping face.
No. Oh no. Don’t think that. Don’t think it.
Friend. She’s your friend. Nothing more. And that’s all she’ll ever be.
That’s all you can let her be.
Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think that you might...
Her eyes, dark and depthless, so full of joy, of light, of her. Her voice, laughing, joking, having fun as a simple conversation between them seemed to take off, to fly, all unbidden and of its own accord into soaring realms beyond their expectations. The pain he had felt when he thought she might be lost forever….
I love her.
Oh Merlin. I thought it.
Remus closed his eyes. He was such a fool.
It had been there, for so long. And so long he had hidden from it, fled from it, even unconsciously fought against it, anything to keep him from acknowledging to himself what his subconscious had known all along. The word friend had been a barricade and he had settled behind it, for he knew that the moment he looked past it, he would be all undone.
But he had looked past. And now he knew. Staring down at her peaceful face, the dreaded words stained the silence of his mind and entrenched themselves utterly. And he could not fight it anymore.
Denial had been better. There was friendship in denial, friendship that dulled the sting of pain. But now even that friendship would be tainted because he knew too well that such feelings could never be allowed to air.
She deserved better. She needed better. Yes, he loved her. And that was why he knew that he could never, ever be so selfish as to wreak her life by acting on those feelings.
Friendship had been enough until now. It would have to stay enough. And could never tell her. He could never let her realise that he…
“Do I have something on my face?”
Remus started violently as he found himself staring suddenly into the Auror’s dark and very much open eyes. The corners of lips curled lazily upwards.
Flustered, he fought to regain his composure as he hurriedly quelled the intimate, emotional thoughts in which he had foolishly indulged. “Pardon?” he managed to gasp.
“My face?” Brushing her dishevelled hair out of her eyes, Tonks stretched slightly as she pulled herself up to sitting. “You’ve been staring at me for more than five minutes. I could feel it.”
“I…” Remus prayed heartily in order to subdue his rising blush. “Sorry, Tonks. I was just considering whether to wake you and I guess my mind must have…wandered.” He took a deep breath. “I didn’t mean to stare.”
Tonks giggled disconcertingly. “Curses,” she said cheerfully. “And there, I thought you were entranced by my overwhelming beauty.”
Oh Gods. This time the blush was unstoppable; Remus could feel it swelling like a wave across the sand. Desperate to hide, he rocketed almost frantically out of the chair, sweeping around the far side of the desk as he clenched his fists and fought frantically to keep a measure of calm within his voice.
“The staff will be up soon,” he said, his words tumbling one over the other in a desperate rush to be expelled. “We’d better start getting ready to…”
“Remus?”
It was her tone that made him turn. For her tone told him that hadn’t fooled her in the slightest.
She knows me too well. I shouldn’t have let her…
“What was that face?” she asked softly. She was on her feet now, standing next to the desk, her robes crumpled, her expression a mixture of confusion and seriousness. Her eyes burrowed into his with an intensity that frightened him, searching, pleading.
No. I can’t. Please, I can’t.
Denial had served him well enough in the past “ it was time to fall back upon it.
“What face?” He smiled wanly. “It’s the same face I’ve always had.”
“I’m serious.” The smile fled. “It is the same face you’ve always had, Remus. And that’s why I know it well enough to tell when something’s wrong.”
He shook his head. “It’s nothing.”
“That’s not true.” She was walking towards him now, one slow step after another, shrinking the space between them with every soft footfall. “I made a joke, just like I always make jokes. And you went strange on me. Why?”
“You surprised me when you woke. That’s all.”
“No, it isn’t.” His back was against the door now and just inches away, she halted, her face tilted slightly as she continued her intensive probing of his eyes. Her lips tightened. “Remus, what’s wrong?”
“I…”
“Why were you staring at me?”
“Tonks…”
“Why did you blush?”
“It was nothing.”
She was shaking her head now. “You never react that way to me, Remus, never. You only blush like that around Felish…”
Her voice trailed away, the sentence unfinished and lost on the tides of silence. Within her eyed, something sparked.
Hope. Hope sparked. Hope and…
Don’t feel it. Don’t hope, please don’t hope. You can do better. You should do better…
“Remus?” she whispered softly.
He tried to shake his head. “Tonks…”
She was close now, so close. Three inches, two, then a mere inch apart, her body pressing against his, her hands upon his chest, her face so near he could feel the gentle brush of her breath against his cheeks, his lips. He felt his face begin to tilt, sensed hers move in response and for a moment, her eyes seemed to fill his world. And then they fluttered closed.
Oh sweet Merlin. She does…
Their breath mingled. He felt her lips brush his, so warm, so soft…
No!
Panic told hold, intense, startling and for instant, it consumed him utterly. And in that instant, Remus broke their lip contact and sharply turned his head.
He heard her gasp, soft, intense, felt her fingers contract around his robes. And then, there was distance as suddenly the warmth of her touch was gone, usurped by empty coldness. He risked a glance and found her face, her expression rich with disbelief and pain over sharply rigid shoulders; sudden waves of shock and hurt hurtled out from her to crash down upon him like violent seas striking a rocky shore. Her eyes burned him like acid.
“Remus?” she whispered again, but this time her voice seemed to break and falter.
In that moment, all he could think of, all he could feel was finding some way to drain the terrible hurt from her eyes. He seized upon the first excuse he found.
“This… Tonks, this isn’t the time,” he managed shakily, peeling himself off the door as he forced himself to stand upright. “We’re trapped in the middle of the Feral Institute; someone could come at any minute…”
“That’s just an excuse and you know it.” The lash of her voice slapped away his hesitant words. “What is this, Remus?” Her jaw was trembling, though whether it was powered by rage or sadness, Remus could not begin to guess. “You know how I feel about you,” she told him, her voice dropping to barely a murmur as it shivered beneath the weight of her emotions. “I couldn’t have made it plainer if I’d grabbed you by the front of your robes and shaken some sense into you! And if just now told me anything, it’s that you feel the same way. So why the hell did you pull away from me?”
“I shouldn’t have… It was a foolish…”
“Stop it.” She snapped across his stumbling sentence. “Remus Lupin, if you even dare to deny it…”
Remus hardened his jaw. “This is ridiculous…”
“Isn’t it just? So perhaps you should stop being so stupid about this! Why did you pull away from me?”
“It’s not the time…”
“Why did you pull away?”
“I shouldn’t have…”
“Why did you pull away?”
“It wasn’t appropriate…”
“Tell me the truth!”
“I can’t!”
The echoes of those final words were consumed by sudden silence. Chest heaving, Remus stared down at the tousled, furious woman staring up at him and felt suddenly older and tireder that he had ever done before.
“I can’t,” he repeated softly, a hint of a plea creeping into his voice. “And this isn’t the time.”
Her voice was shaking now. “It works for me.”
He shook his head. “Tonks…”
She shivered as her eyes drilled into his. “I love you, Remus,” she said simply. “Do you love me?”
He stared at her. She stared at him.
The silence stretched eternally.
I can’t say it. How can I say it? How can I do that to her?
How can I be so selfish?
I can’t.
Can I?
His lips parted. But what words they were to speak were a mystery even to him..
And he was never to know. For then, he heard it.
Whistling. Someone was whistling.
Someone outside the door.
The silence shattered. The moment vanished.
Tonks was moving instantly, grabbing the bundle of cloak from the floor as she whipped it up and over both their heads “ Remus flattened himself beside her against the wall, his wand grasped firmly as blue light flared across the doorframe.
And then the door opened. And in bustled Cymone.
There was no hesitation. Moving as quickly and quietly as they could manage, Tonks and Remus slipped side by side out of the door and fled into reception.
They did not speak a word as they rushed down the corridor, did not speak or talk or even look at each other as they hurried into Felisha’s office, scrambled in her desk drawer and grabbed the globe portkey together. Tonks wand tapped three times.
One. Two. Three.
And then, they were back in the yard of the Three Broomsticks, dawn light staining the pale sky that lurked along the mountain ridges. In the distance, there were voices.
“Here.”
Something cold and hard pressed into Remus’ palm. He looked down.
It was the vial of suspected Polyjuice.
He looked at Tonks. But she did not meet his eyes again.
“You’d better take it to Snape,” she said softly. “I’ll head back to Grimmauld Place to brief Kingsley and Moody.” Her eyes flickered briefly, brushing his face before lowering again. She did not smile.
“See you soon,” she said.
And then, still grasping the portkey, she ducked out from beneath the cloak, turned on the spot and was gone.
For a moment, Remus could only stare at the empty air that had a second before contained the woman he now knew he loved. And he sighed.
Because he knew, he knew too well, that nothing between them would ever be the same again.
A/N: I say this to all R/T shippers, all anti-R/T shippers and all gen lovers - for this can apply to you all….
*runs for cover*
Please don’t hit me!!!!!! ;)
I must admit “ this chapter did not turn out entirely how I had intended. My original intention was a quiet and slightly tragic contemplation with a perhaps weary conversation “ but instead Remus and Tonks, as is typical of the gits when I write them together, completely took over and decided they were going to have a fight. So I apologise for the angst but don’t blame me for it “ they did it all by themselves! ;)