Prologue
James looked over at Lily and her friend, Tamara, and he felt a sudden jolt of merriment, although he had absolute no reason to be cheerful. One of his best friends was in detention, the other one was in hospital, and Peter was asleep up in their dormitory. Lily and Tamara were revising spells for Transfiguration, and James was reading a book about poisonous plants. It was their sixth year and exams were an everyday topic now. Sirius was joking about them, Remus was worried about them, and James was preparing for them ever since he overheard Lily talking to Tamara about her wish to become Head Girl.
Lily and Tamara were sitting in the Three Broomstick in Hogsmeade. James was lurking around; he had no one to spend the Hogsmeade weekend with. Sirius was in detention, this time with Peter and Remus. Actually he had been with them on that night, but he hadn't been caught. The others had insisted that he should go to Hogsmeade. Around midday he regretted it, but then he noticed Lily and Tamara heading for the Three Broomsticks. They were conversing about the final exams, and that’s when Lily confessed her aspiration to Tamara. James had never wanted to become Head Boy; he was quite relieved when he wasn’t made Prefect, although McGonagall threatened him with the prospect. At that time, he had been really tempted to fail his OWLs, but he didn’t want to disappoint his mother and father. He'd gotten nine OWLs. Of course, he was no where near Remus’ and Lily’s eleven Outstandings; he had received only three in Transfiguration, Defense Against the Dark Arts and Charms.
Out of the corner of his eye, James noticed a movement from the portrait hole, and he saw that Sirius was back from his detention. His friend looked really tired, and he literally slumped onto the couch next to him.
“I’m tired,” Sirius announced, but looked at him expectantly.
“Remus was brought to the hospital,” he informed Sirius. “He has some kind of infection,” he explained.
“Oh, boy!” Sirius exclaimed sighing wearily. “You think…” he wanted to ask, but then realised that Lily and Tamara were sitting in the Common Room, too. “James?” he then asked, as if something had just popped into his mind.
“Yes?” James asked back warily. He knew Sirius; his tone indicated that he was about to say something unpleasant.
“You remember talking about my research?” Sirius asked.
He let out a laugh with relief and said, “You mean the story to excuse your love escapades?”
In the same moment, James had to regret both the laugh and the question; Sirius was obviously hurt.
“Okay, okay, sorry,” he said trying to mend the damage he had inflicted with his inconsiderate words. “I didn’t mean it that way,” he muttered, although both of them knew he had.
“I’m trying to find my soul mate. I know I’ve sometimes teased you about being besotted with her” Sirius said, indicating Lily with a slight movement of his head, “but don’t make fun of my quest to find the love of my life!”
“All right, spill the beans! What did you want to say?” James asked, trying to sound earnest.
“I wanted to ask for your permission to ask Lily out,” Sirius whispered at such a high speed that it took James almost a minute to realize what his friend just said.
James looked at his friend, confused, and felt his stomach give a lurch. He felt angry and betrayed.
“Okay, forget I’ve mentioned it. I’m going to bed, I have a splitting headache. Filch made me clean the mirrors on the seventh and the sixth floors, and the nasty git said he would wait for me to do the dungeons ones. Seeing the rate I’ve landed myself in detention this year, he didn’t have to wait long,” Sirius said, hiding his nervousness by overexplaining.
James nodded absent-mindedly, still replaying Sirius' request over and over in his mind."
#1
Sirius put his robes on and decided to wait for James, who was looking pretty tired this morning. Peter had left them a note that he would visit Remus first and would catch up with them in the Great Hall. Sirius and James went there together in complete silence. They didn’t even look at each other. James seemed to be sulky, and Sirius knew him better than to try to pacify him. Trying to apologise or lighten the mood with a joke or witty remark would be a grave error; he knew that from experience. James needed time to brood over this.
They sat down and, as their plates appeared, their two other friends arrived. Sirius was relieved to see Remus up and well again, and for a brief flicker of time, he saw the same on James’ face, but then his lines hardened again. Sirius knew that Remus noticed the change immediately, because he enquired what the problem was. Moony was looking at them back and forth. Sirius only shrugged his shoulders but James shot a glance full of daggers at him.
“For Merlin’s sake, he asked you, didn’t he?” Remus asked, looking alarmed.
“You really like her, Padfoot?” James blurted out, directing his question at Sirius, and he could hear the desperate hope in his friend’s voice. He wished he could tell James that this was all a joke, another teasing about James' craziness over Lily. He wanted to say something comforting but was interrupted.
“Of course he likes her!” Remus answered for him. “Who doesn’t? She is beautiful, smart and witty.”
“You, too?” James asked Remus, his voice full of anxiety.
“Don’t worry, I don’t want to ask her out,” Remus said with a lopsided grin.
James didn’t talk to Sirius all day, and Sirius was getting impatient. After all, he had explained that he only wanted to make sure that he didn’t miss the chance to erase Lily from his list. After lunch break, James turned to him and said “ although through gritted teeth “ that Sirius could do what he wanted, and then he headed to his Ancient Runes lessons.
Sirius had a free period. He went to the library to do some research for a Transfiguration essay and found the object of discord there. She was doing her Potions homework. A ray of sunshine found its way into the library, and it fell on Lily’s head. Her deep red hair shone brightly. For a minute, his mind was blank; it felt like he couldn’t utter a single thought.
“Hi,” he greeted her, but Lily only nodded. “How are you?” he asked.
“Fine,” Lily answered, looked up briefly and turned her attention back to her books.
“It’s such a lovely day, isn’t it?” he tried to keep the conversation going.
“Sure,” Lily said, this time not even looking up.
“How is it going?” he asked kindly.
“It would go just well if you’d stop disturbing me,” Lily snapped at him and threw him a threatening glare.
“Well, I’m just trying to be polite,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.
“Well, go and try someplace else,” Lily retorted.
“Okay, forget that I’ve tried to be polite to you, Evans,” he said, grabbed his books, stood up and moved several tables away from Lily.
Ten minutes later, a shadow fell over him. Sirius looked up and saw that Lily was standing there. He noticed that she was both annoyed and exasperated.
“Fine, talk to me,” Lily ordered him.
“Take a seat, please,” he stood up and pulled out a chair for her.
“Thanks,” Lily said after sitting down, surprise in her eyes and with a look worth tons of questions.
“Well, how are you?” he asked.
“I’m under pressure,” she explained, and he heard the apology in the explanation so he nodded. “Everyone seems to think that there is only one subject and that’s theirs. Flitwick made me head of the Charms Club, and Slughorn wants me to join the Potions Club. McGonagall said that I need to work harder; she said she knew I could do better.”
“And what about you? What do you want, Lily?” he asked her.
“I don’t want to join the Potions Club; Snape is there,” she said, shuddering slightly. “Besides, I don’t have the time for it.”
“What about telling McGonagall that you’re quite satisfied with your performance in Transfiguration?”
“You would do that with McGonagall?”
“Actually, no because Transfiguration happens to be my favourite subject. But I would tell that to Flitwick if he would want me to concentrate more on Charms. I like Charms and I like him, but I would like to concentrate on Transfiguration.”
“Um, okay, but we are talking about McGonagall,” Lily said, still looking uncomfortable about the thought of ever saying something like that to McGonagall.
“I know,” he grinned at her. “Would you like me to tell her?”
“No, for Merlin’s sake!” Lily exclaimed. “I’m a Gryffindor! What kind of bravery is that if you don’t dare to talk to your own Head of House?”
“I guess you are right,” he said with a nod. They sat there contemplating her options, but with no satisfying result. Finally they had to leave for their Potions lesson. They arrived there together, and James threw an inquisitive look at him, but Sirius shook his head. No, he hadn’t asked her out yet. Potions was as usual, and after class Lily stayed behind to tell the professor that she didn’t want to join the Potions Club, and Sirius decided to wait for her.
“What did he say?” he asked her, after she had finished.
“He said he understood my reasons, but I think he wasn’t that glad with my decision,” Lily said and flashed a smile at him. “Thank you for your support.”
“Would you like to take a walk before dinner?” he asked her, feeling a sudden wave of courage.
“What?” Lily asked him.
“I’m asking you if you would take a walk with me before dinner. At the lake,” he added.
“Take a walk?” she asked back.
“Yes. What’s wrong with it?” he asked, surprised. “I would like to talk to you, and I think the evening breeze is balmy, and the sun is setting. It must be tremendous scenery to enjoy,” he said, with a mocking undertone.
“And you’d like me to accompany you?” Lily asked, sounding disbelieving.
“Yes,” he answered, nodding.
“Where is Potter?” Lily enquired and looked around.
“What?” he asked, taken aback.
“Where is Potter? Is he waiting around here to laugh at my expense?”
“No. James has nothing to do with this,” he said, realization dawning on him.
“You are asking me out?” Lily demanded for clarity.
“Yes,” he admitted.
“And why?”
“I want to get to know you better,” he explained.
“Sirius Black, ‘Skirtchaser of Hogwarts’?” she still sounded shocked.
“Well, I’d like to explain to you why I got that reputation if you would take a stroll with me around the lake.”
“So it’s a stroll already?” Lily asked back. “Do I have to hold your hand?” she asked, revolted.
“Only if you want to,” he grinned at her.
And then he saw a resolution taking shape in Lily’s eyes.
“I know that I will regret this, but yes, I'll take a walk with you. No strolling and no holding hands,” she added, shooting a warning look at him.
“Okay, no strolling or holding hands. I guess I can live with that.”
“Then let me take my stuff back to the dormitory and meet me at the lake,” Lily said and dashed off.
Half an hour later, he was waiting for her at the lake. She was walking briskly towards him, now and then casting a nervous look around.
“Lily, no one will jump out of a bush to say ‘You’ve been had!’” he told her, chuckling.
“I wasn’t going to…” Lily wanted to deny it, but then shook her head.
He looked at her questioningly and then they set off.
“What are we going to do now?” Lily asked two minutes later.
“We could talk,” he suggested and looked at her for approval.
“I saw you had a letter yesterday,” Lily told him. “You know, till that morning, I never realised that you don’t get any letters,” she said, obviously not wanting to talk about herself.
“Yes, my family is a bunch of nerds and evil bastards,” he told her with a harried smile.
“Tell me about them” Lily pressed on.
“There isn’t anything much to tell about them, Lily,” he said with a shrug.
“What about your brother? He is at Hogwarts, isn’t he?”
“He is a Black through and through. He is in Slytherin. You can imagine the disappointment of my dear mother when she was informed I was sorted into Gryffindor. A very long line of Blacks, and they were all in Slytherin. What a shame!” he said, a painful smile flickering across his face. “Enough of my family. Besides, I don’t live with them anymore.”
“You are living with a relative?”
“No, I have found myself a new family. James’s,” he explained. “I moved out of the Black family house and had nowhere to go. James's mother offered me a place to stay with them. They are very nice people. They treat me like a son,” he said, reminiscing about the best summer of his life.
“I see,” Lily said, and after looking at her incisively, he could see that she really understood. “Were you just as cute as a child?” She looked at him suddenly.
“You think I’m cute?” he asked, surprised.
“Come on! You had to know that. You are cute, ask anyone.”
“Thanks,” he said, blushing a bit. He knew girls liked him, but they never paid any compliment to him. “Well, I think not. I was skinny and pale. I didn’t like to leave the house.”
“Why not?”
“I was a brooder,” he confessed.
“And what were you thinking about?” she asked curiously.
“Well, many things. Mostly about my family.”
“And?”
“I always thought they brought the wrong kid back from the clinic. I’ve pictured every kind of scene where my real mother would show up and take me away. Well, obviously it never happened. Besides, this face is a Black’s face,” he said, pointing at his own face.
“It was the same with me. Only I thought that me and my mother had been somehow kidnapped and now had to live with Father and Petunia. There were times when I thought mother was a fairy queen and I was a princess, and one day my real father, the fairy king or his men, would find us and bring us back. That was after my ability to do magic showed the first time,” she said, laughing bitterly.
“You know, I can picture you as a fairy princess,” he smiled at her gently.
“When was the first time you did magic?” she asked.
“I think I’ve done it since I was a baby, but magic of a greater kind I did when I was seven.”
“What did you do?”
“I’m not particularly proud of it, so I don’t want to talk about it much. I can only say it was my birthday, Regulus took my gift, and he ended up in St. Mungo’s,” he summarized the incident. “What about you?”
“It was pretty much the same, only I was already ten. I was left alone with Petunia, and she wanted me to wash her shirt. I didn’t want to so I made it shrink. After that she could dress one of her teddy bears in it.”
Sirius laughed and Lily joined him. Slowly, they made a half-circle around the lake, and they were already going back when Lily realised that he didn’t tell her why he had that bad reputation.
“You see, I have this theory that everyone has a soul mate somewhere. You only have to take the time to find them,” he began to explain. “So I’ve decided to search for mine. I began here at Hogwarts.”
“And how can you tell when you meet your soul mate?” Lily enquired.
“Well, you feel it. It must be like when you are missing something and then find it. It makes you feel whole, I assume,” he said hesitantly.
“So you haven’t found your soul mate yet?” Lily asked, her smile indulgent. He was very grateful that she didn’t laugh at him.
“No, I haven’t.”
“And that’s why you’ve dated so many girls?”
“Exactly. You see, I have a method. I’ll have three dates with the same girl, and after that I would kiss her, and then I should feel whether she was my soul mate.”
“I see. But wait a minute! You have dated Tamara four times!”
“I wasn’t sure about her. I'd felt something after our third date, but the feeling vanished on our fourth.”
“What about Celia? She had only two dates,” Lily said accusingly.
“I know you are friends with Celia Harrington, but she is so boring, I could barely stay awake on our first date, and it got worse on our second,” he explained to her.
“I know,” Lily said after a sigh. “She is a very loyal friend, but she tends to get immersed in one subject and then she cannot talk about anything else.”
“Tell me about it,” he said, shuddering at the thought of that second date. “She was into Quidditch that time, and I really like Quidditch, but I think I needn’t know every single one of the fouls committed during some kind of World Cup back in the 15th century. From blatching to skinning and in alphabetical order, too!” he complained, and with his suffering face, he made Lily laugh aloud.
“And this is our first date?” Lily asked, suddenly sobering up.
“Yes, Lily,” he admitted.
“It was a good one,” Lily said awkwardly.
“I take it as a compliment, darling,” he said smirking.
“Oh, shut up!” she cried, planted a kiss on his cheek and then stormed off.
He looked after her until her figure disappeared in the castle and then set off, too, to return to the Great Hall. James, Remus and Peter were waiting for him there.
“Where were you?” Peter demanded to know.
“I was with Lily,” he professed and then turned his attention to his plate full of a delightfully arranged, delicious meal. The house-elves must have had some elf-made wine before dinner, he mused and tucked in.
They went back together to Gryffindor Tower, Remus conversing with James about Transfiguration tomorrow, and Peter babbling about the upcoming Quidditch match between Ravenclaw and Gryffindor two weeks later. Sirius went up to their dormitory to grab his Transfiguration essay he wanted to finish, and he was returning to the Common Room whistling a happy tune when he was confronted with James, who had apparently followed him.
“You kissed!” James accused him.
“Were you spying on us?” he asked, a hot white anger rising up in his body.
“Never! How could you suggest such a thing?” James exclaimed outraged.
“Okay, sorry,” he apologized, after calming down a bit. “No, we haven’t kissed, although she kissed me.”
“She kissed you?” James asked taken aback.
“Yes, but only on the cheek,” Sirius hurried to assure him.
“But why?” James wanted to know.
“Well, I guess she wanted to say thank you for the wonderful evening,” he told him and then walked down, sidestepping James.
Many thanks to my Betas: ByMerlinsBeard and Crazy About Dan