a/n: I orginally wrote this for MNFF's monthly challenge of using shattered glass as a metaphor, but after uploading it three times (disappering each time) I missed the deadline. I didn't want my work to go without credit so I thought I'd post it for those that want to read it (and for my fans who have missed me updating anything). Enjoy!
***
This love
This love is a strange love
A faded kind of mellow
This love
This love
I think I'm gonna fall again
And even when you held my hand
It didn't mean a thing
This love
***
When he told her he couldn’t return her feelings, her eyes dropped to the ground. She expected him to resist her, but it still hurt her to hear it. “Remus, I love you, and I know you love me too. Don’t deny yourself of love, I beg you,” she sobbed into her hands.
“Nymphadora, how many times do I have to explain that I’m too old for you?” Remus rubbed his forehead in frustration; he had gone through this too many times with her.
“As many times as it takes until you realize that it’s foolish, and love holds no bounds,” she said as she clasped his hand in her own.
He gently pulled his hand away and turned his back to her. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he felt it was for the best. He believed he was doing what was right for her. She deserved so much more and he would never be able to forgive himself if he stood in the way of her future. “I don’t want you living in danger because of me.”
“Remus I live in danger every day,” she screamed at him. “I’m an Auror!”
He shook his head, signaling to her that her argument was not enough. Deep down, he knew she was right, but he wasn’t ready to admit his vulnerability. He had been alone for so long and he was afraid that a girl like her could ever truly love him. He was afraid that if he got too attached, she would leave him.
The silence was deafening. She had tried everything to make him realize how she felt, but all he did was shake his head. Not knowing what else she could say, she began to cry harder and her heart broke. He turned to look at her one last time, and wiping the tears from her face with his thumb, he placed a small kiss on top of her head and Disapparated.
The pop of his prompt exit sent a ripple through her body. Tonks dropped hard to the ground, her body wracked with sobs. Her shocking pink hair turned a dull brown and fell from its spiked nature to hang limply around her face. She let out a loud scream in the moonlight, looking eerily like the werewolf she loved, and fell to the ground in a lump.
Her body shook violently, and she believed that her soul was slipping away. Her heart felt as though it had been pulled from her chest and thrown to the ground, where it shattered like glass into a million pieces. She wondered half-heartedly if she could ever pick up all the pieces of her broken existence, but she did know that she could not, and would not, ever move on. Remus Lupin was the love of her life, and nothing could change that.
***
There is nothing that competes with habit
And I know it's neither deep nor tragic
It's simply that you have to have it
So you can make a killing
Oh you can make a killing
Oh you can make a killing
I wish I was both young and stupid
Then I too could have the fun that you did
Till it was time to pony up what you bid
***
Sitting in the Weasley’s living room for Christmas, the music humming in the background, Remus slipped back to that fateful night. He hadn’t meant to hurt her, but he felt strongly in his heart that he was doing the right thing. He had heard that Tonks had turned to Molly for comfort, though no one knew the true reasons why. He was just grateful that she had someone to talk to.
He knew that Molly would support Tonks through everything, and could only hope that she would help her move on - that is, until Harry spoke. Harry had mentioned concern about Tonks’ new Patronus. That information sent Remus’ mind reeling and he began to realize how strongly she really did feel for him.
What have I done? ? It was the first time since leaving Tonks on that moonlit night that he had questioned himself. A battle began to rage in his mind:
You’re a git, Remus! You can’t deny your love for her, and you can’t make excuses the rest of your life.
It’s for her own safety. Besides, why would she want to be with an old wizard like me?
It doesn’t matter why, all that matters is that she does. She loves you regardless of your flaws, and quite possibly because of them. Your flaws are what make you who you are. You shouldn’t be afraid of being hurt; it only hurts more to never experience love.
***
His internal battle raged on for days, weeks, and months. He could find no peace of mind in any decision he had made, and his work was being affected by his lack of concentration. Shaking the demons out of his thoughts, he pulled slightly at his graying hair.
“What is your problem?” Fenrir bellowed.
“Nothing Greyback...” he started, as his “creator” approached him with anger in his eyes.
“Good, because tonight I’ve got a task for you,” he roared. Fenrir’s face was just inches from his own as he continued. “The Dark Lord wants more murders. I want you to do the next kill.”
Remus shifted uneasily, but continued to listen to his orders. He knew that if he was going to keep his position as a spy, he could not let on that he had disdain for the horrific flaw of werewolves. Remus did not want to kill; he did not enjoy murder, as so many of his fellow housemates did.
“I’ve picked out a nice lump of a Muggle boy for your kill. Stalk him and kill him by the next full moon. Make us all proud.”
Remus nodded and sat back on his mangy bed. As Fenrir left the small crowded room, Remus contemplated how he could possibly keep up his act for much longer. He despised the idea of murder, unless it involved the Dark Lord’s own demise. Standing, he gathered his few belongings and left the small hideout in search for Dumbledore.
***
The time had come that Remus feared most; they faced death, together. Dumbledore called for the Order to patrol the school while he was briefly away. He had explained nothing, and all they could do was wait, hoping that nothing happened in his absence.
When he finally saw Tonks, he realized that she was much worse than anyone had described in his presence. She had lost control over her ability to change her appearance and had let herself go. Her spiky, bubble-gum pink hair was now flat and dull with nothing more than an un-original color.
She glanced towards him and their eyes met. He watched uncomfortably as her eyes misted over, while painful memories washed through her thoughts. She was a shattered person, with a lost soul, and a broken heart. He could see how much she resembled a cracked mirror and he knew it was his own doing. Remus wanted to be there for her, but he didn’t know how, and he was ill at ease to see her this way.
As the night loomed on and a battle ensued, his uneasiness at her appearance had grown to worry for her life. The Death Eaters had entered the castle and they were all in danger. He may not have been able to admit his love for her, but he couldn’t lose her. He needed to have her in his life.
At the end of the night, they had been lucky, though others had not. Dumbledore’s loss was great, and Bill had been seriously injured by Greyback. As they surrounded Bill’s bed in the infirmary, Remus made an effort to stand close to Tonks. He was so afraid of losing her, and as much as he wanted to hold her, he still didn’t feel the time was right. He could only find solace in offering his knowledge of werewolves to the worried eyes that faced him.
Watching Fleur’s loving demeanor with Bill, Remus looked hopelessly to Tonks. The love in the room made Tonks explode with feelings as she screamed at Remus. She let the whole room know how she felt for him and she argued relentlessly that he was the only man for her. Tell her that you love her you fool, his heart screamed, at least give her a chance. You owe her that much.
He closed his eyes, placing an arm gently around her, and nodded shamefully. When he opened his eyes again, she was gazing at him with longing. He looked deep into her eyes and swore he saw her soul lift. It was as if someone had placed a reparo charm on the shattered glass that was her heart, and her eyes began to sparkle again. It’s a good start...
a/n: This song fragments are: This Love by Craig Armstrong and You Could Make A Killing by Aimee Mann.
Thanks so much to my three betas; essencerain, zouss, and chances. You were all a big help!
And to my fans: You are wonderful and thanks for helping me through some tight areas. This is for you!!!