DISCLAIMER: All of these wonderful characters belong to JK Rowling. I just invited them to come out and play. And they did!
Chapter 1 - The Show Begins
On most Sunday afternoons, Hogwarts students usually were spread out about the castle and the grounds. Some would be studying, others walking about and talking with friends, and a few tired souls would be napping. On this Sunday in mid-June of 1997, most Hogwarts students are sitting in the Great Hall, quietly chatting about the myriad of things students always chat about (but most particularly the other sex), waiting for a wireless programme to start.
Professor Sinestra arises from her seat at the staff table and the students’ conversations cease. She points her wand at each of the four wireless sets positioned about the Great Hall, bringing the sets to life.
Music swells throughout the room and an announcer begins to speak...
ANNOUNCER: Live, from London, the Wireless Wizarding Network is proud to present this week’s edition of “This Is Your Life.” Today we bring you a special edition that is sponsored solely by the nation’s new sensation, Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes! And, the owners of Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes, Fred and George Weasley, have given our regular host, Gregory Gentry, the week off. They will be...
FRED: Doing the hosting duties ourselves!
GEORGE: In fact, mate, we won’t be needing your services either, so go on home.
FRED: You’ve got the day off with full pay.
ANNOUNCER: Thanks, gents! The mic’s all yours!
GEORGE: So, folks, welcome to the show where you’ll be getting the full story on our special guest...
FRED: Who’s gone by many names, like The Chosen One...
GEORGE: Or The Boy Who Lived, but in the Weasley home and at Hogwarts we know him just as...
FRED & GEORGE: Harry Potter!
[The music swells again as footsteps are heard approaching the microphone. The studio audience begins to applaud loudly.]
FRED & GEORGE: Harry Potter--This Is Your Life!
HARRY: Fred, George, I promise I’ll get you guys for this!
GEORGE: [laughing] We’re sure you will, mate, but today we get to explore your past and share it with thousands of listeners across the nation.
FRED: And we’re going to start with the part of your life that’s a mystery to most of wizarding society, the ten years that you lived with your Muggle relatives. Here’s our first mystery guest on the mic in the Guest Room.
MALE VOICE: [Screams] Don’t point that thing at me!
ANOTHER MALE VOICE: [Whispering] Calm down, you great prat. That’s just a microphone!
HARRY: [Laughing] That’s got to be my cousin, Dudley Dursley.
GEORGE: It certainly is! Bring him out!
[The studio audience politely claps for Dudley as he walks up to the on-stage microphone.]
FRED: So, Dudley, what was it like living with Harry?
DUDLEY: It wasn’t what you lot think. Yeah, I treated him like a punching bag and never let him have any fun, but my parents always acted like he was a freak, and I could tell they wanted me to treat him like one, too.
GEORGE: So, Dudley, what’s your favorite memory of Harry?
DUDLEY: To tell you the truth, it was the day my aunt Marge’s bulldog Ripper chased Harry up a tree and kept him there ‘til after midnight!
FRED: And what about you, Harry, what’s your favorite memory of Dudley?
HARRY: I guess it was the day you lot came to take me to the Burrow and to the World Cup. I think it was Fred that dropped the toffees on the floor and Dudley ate one.
FRED: That’s right, mate, that was one of our first products, Ton Tongue Toffees! They’re still a strong seller.
DUDLEY: Hey, that’s right! You idiots could’ve killed me with that. I oughta pound your heads together...
GEORGE: Stupefy!
[Dull thud, audience laughs]
FRED: Well, we’ve heard enough from your cousin. Now for our next mystery guest...
MALE VOICE: All right there, Harry?
HARRY: I’d know that voice anywhere! That’s Hagrid!
GEORGE: Right you are, Harry! Come on in, Hagrid.
[The studio audience claps wildly for Hagrid as he walks up to the on-stage microphone.]
FRED: What’s your favorite memory of Harry, Hagrid?
HAGRID: To tell ya tha truth, ‘twas the night I first met Harry and those great Muggle relatives of his. Tha’ weren’t treatin’ him right, tha’ was sure. I got so angry at them I gave his fat cousin Dudley a special gift for Harry’s birthday -- a pig’s tail to go with tha rest of him.
[The studio audience laughs.]
HARRY: That’s right, my aunt and uncle had to take Dudley to a hospital to get it off after they dropped me off at King’s Cross my first year.
FRED: So Harry, what’s your favorite memory of Hagrid?
HARRY: Well, one of the first times I made a patronus was when I recalled how happy I felt that night when Hagrid came to take me to Hogwarts and told me I was a wizard. On the other hand, I have to really smile when I remember the first time I saw Hagrid all dressed up to go see a lady friend.
HAGRID: Now don’t you go pickin’ on me, Harry. You know Madam Maxime is a right special lady, and... I didn’t mean to say her name!
GEORGE: That’s all right, Hagrid. Your friendship with the Headmistress of Beaux Batons isn’t the LITTLEST secret in the wizarding world. Please join our studio audience, Hagrid.
FRED: Now for our first female guest...
FEMALE VOICE: When I first saw Harry, he was ever so polite, asking me to help him find Platform 9 3/4 and the Hogwarts Express. He was so very thin, dressed in hand-me-down clothes that were much too big for him. It was all I could do not to hug him on the spot.
HARRY: That’s Mrs Weasley, your mum and, if Dumbledore had allowed it, the substitute mother I’d have lived with.
[Audience applauds warmly as she enters.]
GEORGE: Do you have anything else you’d like to tell us about Harry, Mum?
MOLLY WEASLEY: I want to thank you, Harry, for letting me mother you a bit at times, especially during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. It was an honor to sit with the families of the other champions. I’m just glad I missed the first challenge with the dragons!
FRED: Want to add anything, Harry?
HARRY: I’ll never forget the Howler she sent Ron after he and I crashed the old Ford Anglia into the Whomping Willow! [Audience laughs] Honestly, I’d rather the Willow had killed me than to disappoint your mother.
GEORGE: I’d rather face down the Whomping Willow myself, mate.
FRED: Same here. If you’d join the other guests, Mum, we’ll have another female guest now.
FEMALE VOICE: The first time I saw Harry, I knew who he was because I’d already read all about him.
HARRY: That’s my favorite bookworm and the brightest witch of her age anywhere in the wizarding world, Hermione Granger!
GEORGE: And she’s the only prefect, besides Percy, who ever was smart enough to threaten me and Fred with a letter to our mum! Come on in, Hermione.
[Not only does the studio audience clap loudly for Hermione as she walks up to the on-stage microphone, there is also some appreciative male whistling.]
FRED: So, what’s your favorite memory of our chum, Hermione?
HERMIONE: I think it was at the Yule Ball during the Tri-Wizard Tournament when I entered the room on Victor Krum’s arm. It was the first time I’d really dressed up, and Ginny had fixed my hair for me. When Harry realized it was me he was staring at, the look on his face was priceless! Of course it took your brother, Ron, at least half an hour to figure out who I was.
GEORGE: And what’s your favorite memory of your gal pal, Harry?
HARRY: I guess it was during the End of Year Feast our second year. Hermione’d been petrified by a basilisk, but Madam Pomfrey fixed her up. When Hermione came rushing into the Great Hall, she ran right up to me and gave me a big hug. ‘Course she only gave Ron a handshake. That’s when I first knew my best mates liked each other more than they could admit to themselves.
HERMIONE: [shrieks] What are you talking about, Harry? Of course I like Ron, just like I like you! You two are my best friends, right?
HARRY, FRED & GEORGE: If you say so, ‘Mione!
FRED: Now if you’ll take your seat, we have a most unusual female guest.
FEMALE VOICE: Harry was the first boy who really took time to visit me in my toilet.
[Audience reaction is mix of gasps, laughs, nervous titters...]
HARRY: I can’t believe you got Moaning Myrtle here!
[The audience claps politely, if nervously.]
MYRTLE: Hello, Harry.
FRED: So, Myrtle, do you have a favorite story about Harry?
MYRTLE: Yes. It was the night he came to the Prefect’s bath to figure out the clue hidden in the golden egg. He took it under the water to listen to it, and he spent a lot of time in the pool.
GEORGE: Is that all?
MYRTLE: Well, Harry was so busy listening to the merpeople’s song he never noticed I was also under the water; and Harry was very nice to look at. I just wish I had had a camera.
[Wild laughter from audience is almost drowned out by Harry’s moans and FRED’s and GEORGE’s snickers]
FRED: How about it, Harry? Got anything to say about that?
HARRY: [very quietly] Not a bloody thing.
[Audience continues to laugh for several seconds]
GEORGE: And now for our first commercial break...
In a house far from London, a small, round-shouldered wizard creeps into a room where a dark figure sits. He nervously tells his master about a programme on the wireless, a live programme being broadcast from a well-known studio in London. A live programme where Harry Potter and many of his friends might be found. And perhaps killed.