CHAPTER 2
DISCLAIMER: All of these wonderful characters belong to JK Rowling. I just invited them to come out and play. And they did!
FRED: Welcome back to Harry Potter--This Is Your Life! Our next Mystery Guest really worships you, Harry.
SQUEAKY MALE VOICE: Not only is Harry Potter a great wizard, he is noble, kind, generous, loyal, heroic, brave...
HARRY: [Laughing] That’s Dobby!
GEORGE: Come on in, Dobby.
[Warm applause from audience]
DOBBY: Thank you, sirs. Dobby is happy to see the great Harry Potter again and to tell people how Harry Potter is being so good to Dobby when Dobby is only a house elf.
FRED: What is your favorite memory of Harry, Dobby?
DOBBY: Is Harry Potter setting Dobby free from his old master. And Harry Potter is always giving Dobby more socks. Dobby loves his socks best of all.
GEORGE: What about you, Harry? What’s your favorite memory of Dobby?
HARRY: It was right after I freed Dobby. His old master, Lucius Malfoy, was about to hit me with a curse, but Dobby stopped him with his magic, and sent Malfoy flying down a flight of stairs!
[Audience laughs for full 20 seconds]
FRED: Thank you, Dobby. Please take a seat in the audience.
DOBBY: Dobby sit with great Harry Potter’s friends? But they be witches and wizards! House elfs don’t do that!
HARRY: Dobby, I am ordering you to sit with my friends because YOU are my friend, too.
DOBBY: [voice fades as he moves to a seat by Hermione] Thank you, Harry Potter. You is truly a great wizard.
GEORGE: Now for another female Mystery Guest.
FEMALE VOICE: Now that I think on it, I believe I scared Mr Potter witless that day when I first saw him fly and catch that Remembrall.
HARRY: [Amazed] Wow. That’s Professor McGonagall!
FRED: Yes, the Headmistress of Hogwarts herself! Come on in, Professor.
GEORGE: And thank you for taking time away from your duties to take part in our show.
McGONAGALL: I think we should let the audience know that I agreed to come only after you two promised to make a large donation to St Mungo’s.
[Audience applauds]
FRED: Yes, now, how about your favorite memory of young Mr Potter?
McGONAGALL: That would be each and every time Mr Potter helped Gryffindor see to it that the House Cup and the Quidditch Cup have sat in my office for another year. I so hated knowing those cups were in Professor Snape’s office all those other years.
GEORGE: How about you, Harry?
HARRY: Well, I’d say any of the few few times when I’ve seen Professor McGonagall actually smile!
[Everyone laughs hard, except perhaps Professor McGonagall]
FRED: Okay, Professor, please join the others in the audience. It’s time for another Mystery Guest.
MALE VOICE: Harry has helped me overcome a lot of fears, to become the sort of man my grandmother always wanted me to be.
HARRY: I know that voice, that’s my friend, Neville Longbottom.
GEORGE: Yes, it is. Come on in, Neville.
[Audience claps politely, warmly for Neville]
FRED: Do you have a favorite memory for us?
NEVILLE: Yes, though it’s also a painful one. [Harry looks concerned, probably thinking about Neville’s parents] You see, Harry told me that I was really better than Draco Malfoy, that I was worth twelve of him. Not too long after that, Ron and I got into a tussle with Malfoy and his mates. I ended up taking on both Crabbe and Goyle and got myself conked but good!
[Audience laughs sympathetically]
GEORGE: What about you, Harry?
HARRY: The funniest thing I’ve ever seen was what Neville’s boggart looked like when he was through with it--we ended up seeing a boggart Snape wearing Neville’s grandmother’s outfit.
[Audience laughs very loudly, but not loudly enough to cover an outraged shriek from what must be Neville’s grandmother because he looks ready to run.]
NEVILLE: [His voice fades as he walks into audience] Sorry, Gran, but it was Professor Lupin’s idea...
FRED: Now for another female Mystery Guest.
FEMALE VOICE: Since my cousin was your godfather, are we almost related?
HARRY: I know that voice, it’s my favorite auror, Tonks!
TONKS: Wotcher, Harry?
GEORGE: Welcome to the show, Tonks. Do you have a favorite memory of Harry to share?
TONKS: That’d be the night I first met him at his Muggle relatives’ house. It was an unnaturally clean place except for Harry’s bedroom. I went up there to help ‘im pack, and it was the only room that felt like a real person lived in it.
HARRY: I’ll never forget flying from there that night.
TONKS: Nor will I. I’ve never been so cold on a broomstick before, and I was about ready to curse Mad-Eye for wanting to fly around more in case we were being followed. All we needed to do to find out if we were being followed was to listen for chattering teeth!
[Audience laughs.]
FRED: How about you, Harry? Do you have anything to tell us about Tonks?
HARRY: Here’s something she’ll like -- the night she came to Privet Drive she had led the Dursleys away by sending them a letter telling them that they were short-listed for the All-England Best Kept Garden or some such thing. Would you believe they never figured out it was a trick? When they couldn’t find the address Tonks put on the letter, Aunt Petunia started shouting at Uncle Vernon that it was his fault they couldn’t find the place, then he started shouting that it was her fault because she couldn’t read a map correctly, then she said he was too proud to stop and ask directions at a petrol station...
[Audience laughs.]
HARRY: Dudley said it went on for what felt like hours before they gave up and went home. And to top it all off, they didn’t notice I was gone until the next morning.
GEORGE: Please join our other guests in the audience, Tonks.
FRED: We’ve time for just one more guest before our next break, and here she is!
FEMALE VOICE: [Singing] His eyes are as green as a fresh, pickled toad.
HARRY: Ginny Weasley! Come on out here!
GINNY: [Audience laughs as she walks out] Giving orders, Potter? Maybe I should demonstrate my bat bogey hex on you.
GEORGE: Please don’t, Ginny. Besides, this isn’t the Muggle telly. Just tell us a good story on Harry.
GINNY: Hmmm. Maybe I should tell everyone about what you two and Harry did at Bill’s and Fleur’s wedding reception?
[Harry laughs while the twins make hushing signs and shake their heads at Ginny]
GINNY: That’s right, Mum doesn’t know that you were the ones that hexed the bouquet so it would go to Hermione. [The twins relax] Or that the two of you put a set of Extendable Ears in the honeymoon cottage. [The twins panic, Molly Weasley, Bill, and Fleur are heard shrieking and shouting at them from in the audience]
HARRY: [Shouting over pandemonium in studio] I think we’re going to a commercial now! We’ll be back in a few minutes!
That house far from London is now a very busy place with dozens of dark figures dashing about, looking for potions, putting on their masks, preparing for a mission. Some are whispering about what they’ve heard on the wireless programme, what Lucius Malfoy has been saying he wants to do to Potter before the Dark Lord kills him. They are very busy, but none could be said to be happy. They fully expect things to go badly. They always do when the Potter kid is involved. They always do when their Master is angry. Someone’s going to be hurt, someone’s going to die, and each of them knows it could be him.