Note to mod: This is the story where Sirius took polyjuice, turned into James and caused a big mess with Lily.
A/N: Sorry this has taken so long to get up folks. This chapter was a horror to write, it really was “ wouldn’t cooperate with me! And I’m still not convinced I like the ending. Or the beginning. Or even the middle, come to that.
Last time…
“Although,” James started, “that’s not really how I’d imagined our first kiss would go. For one, we weren’t both covered in dirty cleaning-water!” He chuckled.
Lily began to laugh along with him, until she realised what exactly it was that he’d said.
“Wait,” she said, frowning, “did you just say ‘our first kiss’?”
Chapter 6 “ And It All Hits the Fan
“Yes,” James replied, smiling slightly.
“But…what about the other day?” Lily frowned, confusion evident on her face.
“What about the other day?” James repeated, unsure of what she was talking about.
“You can’t have forgotten! We kissed!”
James face was blank, then he chuckled. “We kissed? I think I’d remember if we kissed, Lily.”
She sighed exasperatedly. “Monday night, I asked if I could talk to you, and we went to the empty transfiguration classroom. Then you came out with a cheesy chat-up line, I got a bit angry at you, then you kissed me! Ring any bells?”
“None, actually,” James frowned, “are you sure?”
Lily resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “James, I’ve fancied you for ages, and I know that I kissed you on Monday! It’s why I’ve been angry with you since, because you were acting like nothing had changed between us!”
“Lily, I really have no idea what you’re talking about. Sirius locked me in a cupboard for half of Monday evening, and then I went flying when a fifth year heard me yelling and let me out. I honestly didn’t kiss you.”
“But…if it wasn’t you, who was it? You don’t happen to have an identical twin walking around, do you?” She smiled weakly, “Because I know I kissed someone on Monday, and I know he looked like you. I’m not going mad, I know I’m not.”
James reached forward and took her hand in his.
“I believe you. From the sound of it, someone thought it would be a good joke to impersonate me and lead you on.”
“But who’d do that? It’s a cruel trick. I-” she paused, feeling her voice shaking, “I really like you James, and I wanted to tell you. But instead I told someone else, some bloody prat and they kissed me! Urgh, that makes me feel horrible, someone used me. You too.”
James pulled her into a hug, and she sighed, resting her head on his shoulder. She felt James place a light kiss onto the top of her still damp head, and felt slightly ashamed when a tear ran down her face. She felt annoyed with herself, that she was letting this upset her so much.
“I should have known it wasn’t you,” her voice was muffled as she spoke against his chest, and laughed hollowly, “I mean, even when you were asking me out three times a week, you never resorted to ‘did you know that they’ve rearranged the alphabet? They’ve put U and I together’.”
James pulled away from her quickly and stared at her. “That’s what he said to you? The person who was impersonating me?” He said all of this in a rush, and the ferocity in his tone surprised Lily.
“Yes,” she replied slowly, “I did think it was slightly out of character for you. Why?” But James did not appear to be listening, he had begun pacing up and down, running his hands through his hair and muttering under his breath.
“I’ll kill him. Bloody idiot.”
Lily reached out a hand and touched him on his arm, turning him to face her once again.
“James, who was it that I kissed?”
James looked directly into her eyes before replying, “I think it was Sirius,” he sighed, “that’s his favourite chat-up line. He thinks it’s hilarious. I’ll bloody kill him!”
“And you said he locked you in a cupboard Monday night…what time was that?”
“I don’t know, around eight?”
“Your impersonator kissed me at about half-eight. If it was Sirius, and it sounds like it was, he locked you in the cupboard to keep you out the way.”
James nodded, a furious look on his face. “He must have brewed Polyjuice Potion,” James said, pacing once more, “now that I think about it, he’d been acting weird for weeks “ rushing off to ‘do something’ at the oddest times. Must have been brewing the potion.”
Lily felt confused. Why would Sirius, James’ best friend, do something like this? She knew he was a notorious prankster, but what he’d done was a little extreme, even for Sirius. And then she began to feel angry with him. How dare he do this to her? How dare he listen to her confessing her feelings for James, knowing all along that she wasn’t talking to James? He’d had plenty of opportunities to tell her that night. Why hadn’t he? She felt her anger bubbling to the surface, and looked at James, her eyes blazing.
“Where is he?” She asked, “I think I’d like to kill him now.”
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“Mr Black, now that I’ve been able to reverse the effects of the silencing potion, I’d like you to tell me again everything you ingested in the forty-eight hours before this happened. Our test results are…inconclusive.”
Sirius stared at the healer morosely. It was nearing midnight, and all he wanted to do was to go to sleep, not be cross-examined by an incompetent Healer, who couldn’t fix him. And anyway, hadn’t they already been through this? Hadn’t he already told the healer that on Monday he’d had bacon and eggs for breakfast, soup at lunchtime and steak pie for tea? And that yesterday he’d only eaten the porridge he’d had for breakfast and the chocolate frog that had started all this?
Healer Granville was still looking at him levelly, obviously awaiting an answer. Sirius sighed, and reeled off the list of food, whilst the healer ticked a list attached to a clipboard.
“Yes, that’s all we’d found out from the tests, Mr Black. Are you sure there’s nothing else? You didn’t consume anything unusual, maybe one of those new trick biscuits from Zonko’s? Or a potion, perhaps?”
Sirius’ eyes widened as he remembered that he’d taken the Polyjuice Potion on Monday. How could he have forgotten? He mentally kicked himself, and then wondered what was going on with James and Lily. Had James found out that Lily was under the impression they’d kissed?
“Mr Black? If there was anything, I really do need to know.”
“I…” Sirius began, unsure of whether he should tell the Healer. It could get him into a lot of trouble, but if he didn’t tell him, there was a possibility he’d be stuck looking like this forever. He shuddered at the thought. “I may have taken a potion on Monday.”
“What was it?” Healer Granville asked, frowning slightly.
“If I tell you, you won’t tell Professor McGonagall, right? Healer/Patient confidentiality and all that?”
“Well that depends on what the potion was. Was it something illegal?”
“Not illegal...though I don’t think Professor McGonagall would, er, appreciate the way in which I used it.” James won’t either.
“Well, I can’t say one way or the other that I won’t inform your Professor, but for now, just tell me what it was. You don’t want to stay in your present form for any longer than is necessary, am I correct?”
Sirius nodded fervently, hating the feeling of several chins wobbling as he did so, and sighed. “All right then. It was the Polyjuice Potion.” Sirius looked at the Healer to try and gauge his reaction. The Healer merely raised his eyebrow and jotted something down on his clipboard.
“I can’t imagine why you’d have taken the Polyjuice Potion, Mr Black, and I’ll have to do some research into its effects when combined with the silencing potion you consumed yesterday. I’ll be back tomorrow morning, hopefully with some conclusive results. Oh, and Mr Black? I won’t be telling your Professor at this stage.” He tapped his nose conspiratorially, then strode away from the cubicle. Sirius watched him depart, a slight grin on his face, which evaporated when he saw Lily and James enter the Hospital Wings, their clothes dripping with water, and identical murderous looks on their faces.
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James knew Sirius had done some stupid things in his life. Not least last years’ shrieking shack incident, and the time when he’d stolen McGonagall’s underwear in third year. But this took the biscuit, it really did.
At the moment, he was on his way up to the hospital wing to confront Sirius about his idiocy. He chanced a glance at Lily, who was walking by his side. She looked even angrier than he felt, and he couldn’t blame her really. What James couldn’t get his head around, was the reason Sirius had done this, what had been the point, really?
They entered the hospital wing, pushing past Sirius’ healer, and it was only when Lily angrily shouted “Well where is he then?” that James remembered Sirius’ looked like a fat, balding, smelly old man.
“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Sirius had a reaction to the potion he took yesterday,” James gestured at the figure sprawled on the bed, “that’s Sirius.”
Lily’s eyes narrowed. “It is, is it?” And she strode over to the bed, where James could see Sirius looked slightly terrified. He could understand that; when Lily was angry, she was scary.
“I can not believe you Black! Did you think it would be funny? Did you have a good laugh, listening to me pouring out my feelings for James? Did you think ‘oh, Lily looks a little down today, maybe I’ll impersonate my best mate and kiss her’? Did you even think at all?”
“Lily! It didn’t turn out like it was supposed to…I honestly didn’t mean to upset you.” Sirius spluttered, and James couldn’t help but be amused at the way his jowls wobbled as he spoke, before remembering he was angry at his best friend too.
“What did you think you were doing, Padfoot? I mean, I know you can be thick sometimes, but did you honestly believe that doing something like that wouldn’t hurt someone?”
“Prongs, I-” Sirius began, but was cut off by Lily, who had sank down into the chair beside the bed, and rested her head in her hands, before she looked up at Sirius.
“Why, though Sirius? I don’t understand why?” Her voice wasn’t angry anymore, just sad.
“Well, I thought I’d be doing the both of you a favour. When I came up with the idea, you didn’t like James. I thought it would be fun to impersonate him and try and talk you round a bit. Merlin knows, James wasn’t having any luck. How was I supposed to know the night I took the potion would be the night you wanted to confess your feelings to James? And I felt really, really bad afterwards, Lily. And I did try and tell you, Prongs. But then I ate that stupid chocolate frog and lost my voice. I am so sorry that I did this,” Sirius looked surprised that he had apologised, “and you’d better remember that apology, cos’ Sirius Black doesn’t do that often!”
“Well it was a stupid thing to do,” Lily said, “but I suppose it was well intentioned.”
Sirius grinned, “Does that mean I’m forgiven?”
James smiled, Sirius sounded like an over-eager puppy.
“I guess,” James replied, at the same time as Lily said firmly, “No.”
Sirius’ face fell. “I’m not?”
“Not yet. Though I think one week as my personal slave should even off the balance a bit, don’t you?” Lily grinned.
“No problemo,” Sirius replied, smiling back, “though I do have one question; why are you two all wet?”
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“Well,” James said, grinning as he leaned back in his seat and wound an arm around Lily’s waist, “it’s true what they say: revenge is sweet.”
“Most definitely,” Lily sighed, and contentedly leaned her head on James’ shoulder. She smiled at Dorcas and Alice who were sitting opposite, and at Remus and Peter who were sprawled on the floor.
It was Saturday afternoon, three days since the detention, three days since Lily and James had officially become LilyandJames. They were sitting in the Gryffindor common room, waiting for Sirius to be released from the hospital wing.
Alice giggled, as she picked up one of the many sheets of parchment from the table in front of them, and looked at it happily. “I still can’t believe that this is Sirius!” She looked across at James, “And one of these has gone to every student in the school?”
“Yep,” James replied, looking slightly smug, “and all the teachers too.”
Remus let out a bark of laughter. “You didn’t tell us you’d sent it to the teachers, Prongs. Even Dumbledore?”
“Of course! He wouldn’t want to be left out, would he?”
“You know Sirius won’t be happy with this, don’t you?” Dorcas put in concernedly, though the tone of amusement in her voice betrayed what she was really thinking.
“Yeah well,” Lily said, “after what he did to us, Sirius deserves it.”
“I deserve what?” Sirius voice came from behind them, and they all turned to look at him. Gone was the ugly, fat, balding man, replaced by Sirius’ handsome features, his shaggy black hair, and his trim form.
No one said anything, except Alice, who handed him the sheet of parchment she’d been looking at. “You deserve this.” She said, laughing slightly.
They all watched as Sirius stared at the parchment in horror, his mouth opening and closing in shock.
“Why…” he managed to say, still gaping at the contents of the parchment, which showed a large, coloured picture of Sirius as he had been up until that morning. Written above the picture, in large letters were the words:
LADIES, TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT SIRIUS BLACK. YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT, SIRIUS BLACK! NO LONGER IS HE THE SEXY YOUNG MAN YOU ONCE LUSTED OVER! HE IS FAT! HE IS BALD! HE IS UGLY!
Sirius paled as he read the text, and then groaned when he saw what was written underneath the picture.
GENTS, THIS IS SIRIUS BLACK. THAT’S RIGHT, THIS LUMP OF MANFLESH IS SIRIUS BLACK! NO LONGER WILL HE OCCUPY YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S EVERY THOUGHT! HE IS FAT! HE IS BALD! HE IS UGLY!
“You call yourself my friends!” Was the last thing Sirius said, before fainting dead away.
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A/N: Phew! Am I glad this story is over! Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed over the past five chapters, and to everyone who is going to review this chapter :-) It’s been a really fun story to write, and hopefully you’ve all enjoyed reading it too. Presently, I have no plans to do a sequel of any sort, though of course, this may change. Once again, Thankyou to everyone who’s read and reviewed this story!