Chapter 22: One Step Closer
The nurse opened the door slowly, as if trying not to make a sound. Turning her head, she held a finger up to her mouth, indicating that he shouldn’t speak. Then she stepped into the room, James following behind her, their footsteps softly padding on the floor.
Walking toward the bed, James’s eyes ran over Lily, wild to find anything wrong with her. But there wasn’t, not any longer. She lay on the hospital bed, covered with a lime green sheet, her head supported by a single white pillow. The morning sunlight drifted over her and gave her a soft, surreal glow. Her breathing was deep from exhaustion, but her face was relaxed and peaceful, no longer pale.
James looked at the thin sheet. His concern for Lily making him forget that he was not to speak, he asked the nurse in a whisper, “Won’t she be cold?”
The nurse mentally sighed at his forgetting the rule. “Her fever broke some time ago during the night. After that she’s kept herself warm enough.”
James nodded. They stood there a few moments longer, but finally James began awkwardly, “D’you mind if…? Could you please…?”
The nurse smiled kindly at his back. “Of course.” She went to the door, opened it, and then shut it again behind her, all without making a sound.
Now alone, James leaned forward and gingerly placed his hand on Lily’s cheek, feeling for fever. But the nurse had been right; her cheek was warm under his palm.
He rubbed his thumb over her cheek, the tip just brushing her eyelashes. She murmured something low and incoherent in her sleep, turning her face into his hand. James smiled. Bending over her, he kissed her forehead. “Lily.”
Her eyes slowly fluttered open. Blinking to focus, she stared up at him blankly, her eyelids still heavy with sleep. When recognition registered, a smile crept over her face, and her eyes misted. “It’s over.”
Nodding, James settled on the edge of the bed as close to her as he could be. Lily closed her eyes for moment, sniffled, and when she opened them, she reached up her own hand to lie on his cheek. “You’re all right?”
“I am,” he assured her, “as are you.”
As he finished his statement, an overwhelming silence smothered them. Both withdrew their hands and looked away, neither understanding the sudden awkwardness.
The moment James had awaken, he’d attempted to get out of bed to go in search of her. The nurse had come just in time to order him back to bed. After some ridiculous but necessary tests, the nurse led him to Lily. But now that he was here, he didn’t know what to say. He had forgiven her folly when he’d found her, but now it seemed something else was needed. Taking a deep breath, he decided to find out what that was.
“Lily.” He took her hand in both his own. “Why did you leave? I’m sure you were hurt by what you had found, however wrong your assumptions had been, but why did you run away?”
She was silent a moment, staring at their joined hands, thinking over her answer. “I didn’t know what else to do,” she said simply. “I didn’t know that it had been staged. I was so hurt, so angry, I knew I wouldn’t have been able to look at you day after day with her, or anybody else for that matter.”
She shook her head as if she knew that the entire thing had been so foolish. “I didn’t know I was so insecure where you were concerned. I didn’t know that I was just waiting for you to get bored with me. But when I found that stupid, ugly bra, it all hit me so hard that that was all I could think: This is what I’ve been waiting for. I’m not enough anymore.”
James’s face had a pained look to it. “Oh, Lily.”
“I know. It’s sounds so silly now. But at that time, it made complete sense to me.”
James digested this and felt as if one of the mysterious unexplained gaps of that night filled.
“When we discovered you were gone,” he began, “everyone was crazy. We couldn’t find you. Dumbledore even started the entire ministry looking for you.”
“The entire ministry?” Lily asked, incredulous.
James nodded. “Dozens upon dozens of Aurors were assigned different areas of Hogsmeade, Diagon Alley, London. It mustn’t have been hours after you had left, so we didn’t think you’d have been able to have gone far.” His brow furrowed. “Where did you go?”
“Hogsmeade was my first stop,” Lily answered. She thought it bizarre that they’d never discussed this in all the hours they were held captive together. “It was the middle of the night, and I was tired, especially after walking the path. I had just found a bench to lie down on when someone stupefied me.”
“But how did they know you would be there?”
Lily moved her shoulders, a frown creasing her forehead. “I’m not sure. Observation, communication?”
“No.” James shook his head thoughtfully. “You’re making it sound as if it had been a coincidence. If the scene in Gryffindor Tower had been staged, I bet that was, too.”
There was a pause as the same thought came into both their minds. Lily voiced it. “And maybe both were staged by the same person…”
“Jessica Fanning is a Death Eater. We already know that.”
“We do?”
“Didn’t I ever tell you how I was captured?” James asked, slightly incredulous.
“No,” Lily answered. She huffed out a laugh. “I’m surprised I never thought to ask.”
So James told her about being woken up by Charlie, following Jessica into the forbidden forest, and fighting with the Death Eaters.
“Did you recognize any of the other Death Eaters?” Lily asked.
“Unfortunately, no.”
“I didn’t recognize any that I came across, either.”
“Were there many?”
“No. One brought me my meals, and one took me to see Voldemort. And actually, I think it was one and the same.”
James froze mid-nod. “You saw Voldemort?”
“Mm-hmm. Spoke with him, too.”
With overdue and unnecessary fear, James grabbed her shoulders and looked into her eyes, his own so intense Lily could have sworn he was trying to see into her soul. “Did he hurt you?”
“No.” Touched, she smiled softly at him and touched his cheek. “No, James, he didn’t hurt me. The only time he touched me during the entire time I was held captive was to run a finger down my cheek.”
He scowled. “That finger should be cut off and chopped into tiny little pieces.”
Lily choked back a giggle. He looked so handsome with his features all dark and brooding. On impulse, she leaned forward and touched her lips to his frowning ones. His fingers flexed on her shoulders, and she brought up her other hand to cradle his face. The kiss deepened as feelings and emotions took over. Both were more grateful than words could describe to simply be alive, healthy, and together.
Neither realized they were no longer alone until”
“Well, they seem to be recovering quickly.”
Lily and James sprang apart and twisted around to face the door in time to see Charlie smack Sirius upside the head.
“That was so rude, Sirius. They were having a moment.”
“A moment that challenged me not to throw up.”
“Oh, and I’m presuming you always smile like an idiot while trying to keep the contents of your stomach at bay?”
“Depends on what’s making me want to throw up.”
“If it makes you want to throw up, then why would you be smiling at it?”
As bickering ensued, James muttered to Lily under his breath, “And to think I actually missed this.”
Not minutes later the nurse told James he needed to go back to his room and rest. She looked a bit miffed that he’d woken Lily up, but seemed to brush it off. Lily got to spend an hour talking with Charlie, Sirius, Remus, and Peter. When the boys decided they were going to go find some food, Lily asked Charlie to stay behind.
Four chairs had been conjured and now sat at Lily’s bedside. Charlie remained seated in the one closest to her as they both watched the three Marauders make their way out of the room, arguing about which floor the cafeteria was on.
Once they were gone and the door shut, Lily turned to Charlie. Strangely, she felt the same sort of awkwardness come over them that she’d felt when James had woken her. She’d noticed that the entire time her friends had been visiting her, Charlie had been sort of withdrawn.
Lily was grateful when Charlie broke the silence, but the quiet statement it was broken with made her feel guilty and miserable as all hell.
“You left me.”
Lily sighed. “I don’t know how I’ll ever show you how sorry I am, Charlie.”
“Why don’t you start with an explanation?”
So Lily explained. She started with going up to retrieve her books from James’s bag, finding the bra, her heart braking. She moved on to running away, being captured, Voldemort’s proposal. She didn’t leave out one detail; she told her everything. Charlie remained silent the entire time, listening intently. Lily was grateful for that, because she didn’t know if she’d be able to start again if she stopped.
When she finished, both girls were quietly weeping; Charlie because she hurt for her friend, Lily because she felt so stupid for starting the whole thing with bad judgment. Charlie had moved to sit on the bed, and they clung to each other, holding fast.
“I’m so, so sorry, Charlie,” Lily whispered into her best friend’s shoulder.
“You should be,” Charlie admonished her lightly. She took hold of the redhead’s shoulders and drew her away. “Have you told James about what Voldemort offered you?”
“No.” Lily sniffled. “We were just getting to it when you four showed up.”
“Oh.” Charlie looked away, picked at her robes. “So, he and you are all right? As a couple, I mean.”
“Yeah.” Lily smiled softly. “Or at least we will be, once we can put this behind us.” She studied her as Charlie nodded. “How about you? How are you and Sirius?”
Charlie sighed. “All right, I suppose.”
Lily raised her eyebrows and prodded further. “You suppose?”
“It’s just, we don’t”there’s no romance in our relationship anymore. It’s grown almost completely fraternal and sororal. And trust me, it’s a major turn-off when you feel like you’re kissing your brother.”
Lily scrunched up her nose. “What are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know if he feels the same, and I don’t want to break up with him if it’s going to break his heart.”
Lily took her friend’s hand. “Charlie, forgetting that Sirius is one of my friends, if you’re unhappy in a relationship, then you shouldn’t be in it at all.”
“But what if I break up with him and he gets all angry and storms off before I can explain why?”
“Then you can tell him he missed his chance if he comes back wanting to know why.” Lily tilted her head and gazed at Charlie intently. “Do you want me to talk to him first, see how he feels?”
“I wouldn’t want to be a burden on you. You’re just getting over a traumatic event.”
“Excuse me?” Lily exclaimed, leaning back and looking highly offended. “Since when have you ever been a burden on me? Enlighten me, please, because I can not remember once when all you were was extra baggage.”
Charlie opened and closed her mouth several times. “I didn’t mean it that way. I’m sorry.”
“You should be,” Lily said lightly, mimicking Charlie’s earlier admonishment.
“It’s just that, after all you’ve just been through, I wouldn’t want to”“
“Charlie, do me a favor,” Lily cut her off.
Charlie blinked her brown eyes. “What’s that?”
“Shut up.” Lily leaned forward and took the brunette’s hand again. Speaking earnestly, she said, “Traumatic event or not, my friend is in need of my help, and I will do whatever possible to render her aid. This isn’t the first time I’ve nearly died. You don’t have to be scared of me just because I’ve been through hell and back and survived. Thrice.”
Charlie was quiet a moment. Then she lifted her chin. “I’ll talk to him myself, thank you,” she stated.
Lily smiled. She sounded brave and resilient…like her old self.
Sirius, Remus, and Peter had only been back for a couple minutes when the nurse came in and said it was Lily’s rest time. So the four trooped off to visit James.
Just before crossing the threshold into James’s room, Charlie pulled on Sirius’s sleeve. He turned, and she motioned for him to follow her. She led him down several flights of stairs, through St. Mungo’s welcome area, and into Muggle London. Finding a vacant bench, she sat down and waiting for him to settle in next to her.
She didn’t know what to say. He was looking at her intently, waiting for her to state her reason for their little excursion. She knew they weren’t supposed to leave the hospital, a rule told sternly by Professor McGonagall before they arrived, but she’d wanted privacy, and she didn’t think a hospital was the best place to talk about something such as this. Besides, it’s not like he had any qualms with breaking the rules.
Taking a deep breath, she decided to wing it. “I needed to talk to you about…about us.”
She glanced up, saw him still gazing at her patiently, so she continued, rather quickly, “It’s not that I don’t love you, Sirius, I do, but just not that way. I mean, you’re like a brother to me, and I don’t like kissing my brother. Not that you don’t kiss well, I like your kisses, just not”oh, help.” And she buried her face in her hands.
She was scolding herself mentally for babbling on like an idiot when she heard a low chuckle next to her. Peeking between her fingers, she saw him still watching her, his lips tipped up in the corners, mirth filling his gray eyes. She was amusing him. She felt a fresh wave of heat scorch her face before she covered it again.
She felt him take hold of her wrists and draw her hands away from her face. She kept her face contorted”her eyes squeezed shut tight, her nose scrunched up, her lips puckered and pursed. She was working on the “out of sight, out of mind” method.
“Charlie, look at me.”
She did, first peeking open one eye, then the other. Sighing, she relaxed the rest of her face.
“I understand,” he said.
Charlie jerked. “You do?”
Shrugging, he let go of her hands. “Yeah. I started to feel the same way just a few days ago. I was going to wait it out, see if it was just a phase, but now I’m beginning to think it’s not.” He looked back up at her. “And I love you, too, just not that way.” He snickered.
Charlie snorted before standing from the bench. Stretching her arms over her head, she said, “Well, that’s a relief. Best be getting back.”
Sirius had stood as well. “Not yet. There’s one thing that I have to do.”
Turning to face him, she asked, her brows furrowed, “What’s that?”
“This.” His arms snaked out, grabbed her, and brought her close. His mouth closed over her gasp and his tongue slid against hers. When he drew her away, she swayed, blinked, then took a deep breath.
“Okay, that was not brotherly. That was ‘come on, baby, I’ll show you a good time’.” Charlie shuddered. “Oh look, now I’m tingling. You sure you want to break up?”
Chuckling, Sirius put an arm around her waist, pulled her close to his side where he knew she would always be, and started them walking back to the hospital.
“You know what?” Charlie babbled. “I think the fraternal-sororal phase is over.”
Later, just before Remus, Sirius, Charlie, and Peter left St. Mungo’s, Charlie snuck into Lily’s room.
“Hey,” the redhead greeted, sitting up a little straighter in bed.
“Hey.” Charlie came to stand at the bedside. She sighed. “I couldn’t do it.”
“Couldn’t do what?” Lily asked.
“I couldn’t break up with him.”
Now completely alert, Lily demanded details. Charlie told her about dragging him outside, making a fool of herself, and Sirius’s phase-ending kiss.
“Wow.”
Charlie grinned a bit drunkenly, remembering. “I know. I think he was just going with the flow when he told me that he felt the same way. He knew he could stop me feeling sibling-ish if he put his mind to it.”
Lily smiled wide as Russia. “So you’re in love.”
Charlie smiled, abruptly near tears. “It’s mutual.”
The two girls embraced. “I’m so happy for you. Now I have someone to be gushy with.”
Charlie snorted, pulling away. “Like it ever stopped you before.” She paused, studying her friend, thinking over everything that she’d learned today. “I hope you and James will be able to cross the bridge quickly and move on.”
“Me too.”
Charlie walked to the door, and with her hand on the knob turned and said, “Oh, Dumbledore told me to tell you that he’ll speak with you and James when you return.”
“All right.”
Charlie nodded and slowly opened the door. She stepped through, closed it halfway, and poked her head in. “’Bye, Lily,” she whispered.
“’Bye, Charlie,” Lily whispered back, feeling foolish as tears formed in her eyes.
Charlie closed the door and was gone.
Nate, Anna, Seth, and Tina Potter had come to visit both James and Lily before dinner. Tears had been shed, hugs exchanged, and affections proclaimed.
Later James was able to come in for one last visit before they both were to go to sleep. He listened while she finished her story, leaving no gaps, like she’d told Charlie. Many emotions played over his face, but the most of which was pride. He was proud that she hadn’t given in, that she’d been willing to die rather than betray those closest to her.
“That’s why you’re a Gryffindor,” he said.
Now that everything had been explained and no questions were between she and James, Lily felt they were one step closer to recovery. And everyday they would get closer, she thought.
In the time they had left, they talked about other topics, from Quidditch to the NEWTs they were going to have to spend many sleepless nights studying for. When their time was almost up, James became very quiet and thoughtful. Curious, Lily asked what was on his mind.
“You know I love you, don’t you?” he asked, casting her a side-glance.
“Ye-es,” she answered slowly. “And I love you.”
He nodded and went back to thinking his own thoughts. Then out of nowhere”“Marry me, Lily.”
Her eyes snapped to his face, which was still turned away from her. “Come again?” she squeaked.
“Marry me.” Turning, he took her hands in his own. “You nearly died three times now, Lily.”
Lily giggled, thinking of what she’d told Charlie previously.
James, misinterpreting it, gave her a little shake. “It’s not funny. I’ve had to watch you come perilously close to dying more times than I care to admit. I know we haven’t been together long, but who knows just how long either of us still have? A morbid thought, I know, but I’m serious. If you’re ever taken from me, I want to know that I was together with you in every way possible. I want us to make the most of our time together. I want you to belong to me, and me to you.”
Lily stared at him, totally flabbergasted. Then going on a whim, she decided not to give herself time to think it over and create doubts. “Yes.”
James leaned back, blinked. “What?”
“Yes!” Lily repeated with more enthusiasm, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him. “Yes, yes, yes!”
“Really?”
Lily froze. She didn’t like his tone. Slowly drawing back, she asked in a low voice, “Is there something wrong with that?”
“Yes. No. Maybe. Never mind.” Suddenly he stood, shaking his head. “It’s too soon. It was stupid to ask. Forget it.”
She gaped at him as he walked to the door. Before he reached it, however, Lily threw back the covers of her bed and swung her legs over the side. James, catching this out of the corner of his eye, spun around. “Lily, what are you doing? Get back in bed, you’re not strong enough.”
“Watch me.” Seeing red, she put her bare feet on the floor and pushed herself to stand”and promptly collapsed.
“Lily!” James rushed to her. But when he reached for her, she batted him away, tears spilling over onto her cheeks.
“Leave me alone. I can do this.” Sniffling, her pride as wounded as her heart, she pushed herself onto all fours. And didn’t have the energy to do more. “Oh,” she sobbed, angry with her body for being weak.
“Here, darling, let me help you.” Again James reached for her, but she knocked his hands away, glaring at him.
“Leave me alone. I’ll get there by myself,” she sobbed. But her arms, already wobbling, gave out from under her.
Saying nothing, James rolled her over, picked her up, sat on the bed and cradled her.
“James, you bloody prat,” she cried, pounding her fists on his chest half-heartedly, “you don’t propose to girl, then take it back. You don’t do that.”
“I’m sorry,” he said in a soothing voice. “I didn’t realize.”
“That’s no excuse. You’re going to marry me, you prat, whether it’s time or not. You deserve to be chained to me for all eternity.”
“You make me sound like I’ll be a prisoner,” he chuckled, enjoying her.
“Oh, you will be, my friend. You will be. I’ll make it my earth-bound mission to make your life miserable from the moment you say ‘I do.’”
“And when will this moment take place?”
“Halloween.”
James laughed again, kissing her pouting lips. “It’s a date.”