Sirius came awake with the feeling that a giant was trying to dance around in his head. He groaned, found that the simple action angered the giant further, and stopped. Hadn’t giants left civilized England centuries ago? How had one managed to get into his head?
“Here,” a voice said gently, holding something up to his mouth. “Drink this. It will help.”
Sirius opened his mouth to let the liquid in and, when he tried to spit it back out, found the cup forced against his mouth once again. “Drink,” the voice said firmly.
He drank the bitter stuff down, forcing himself to the last drop.
“I’s s’pposed t’ taste like tha’?” he asked, grimacing. “You didn’ mess up another potion?”
Remus didn’t answer as he turned away from the bed to place the mug on the dresser. “It’s an anti-hangover potion and it should help with the headache in a few minutes,” he offered finally, joining Sirius on the bed. “You should feel perfectly fine within half an hour.”
Sirius closed his eyes, leaning against the headboard. It creaked as he forced air down his lungs. He’d never felt so nauseous in his life. “Thank you,” he said when he was able to open his eyes again.
“You’re welcome,” Remus said, his voice sounding oddly detached.
“I’m sorry?” Sirius offered, after another silent moment passed, almost questioningly. Now that he was only hung-over and slightly drunk instead of totally and completely smashed, he realized that Remus looked...unhappy. He could hardly remember a moment of the last few hours“what had he said?
“For what?”
Sirius shrugged. “For this?” Again, with a question. He had no idea of what he’d done to make Moony start acting so distantly, but an apology should have covered it. Only thing was...it didn’t seem to have made a difference. If anything, Remus looked more annoyed now.
Remus sighed impatiently. “Don’t.”
An uneasy silence fell over the two of them. “Erm,” Sirius finally said.
“Sirius?”
“Yes?” he said quickly, grasping at the hope that the awkwardness would end.
“Why“” He hesitated. “Why are you so miserable? It’s Christmas.”
Sirius was still drunk enough not to realize that he had answered the question already and gave it once again without a fight. “ ‘t was the last time we were all t’gether. Happy. Firs’ Christmas with Harry. Las’, too. ‘S my fault they’re all dead, Moony. My fault they’re gone. If I wasn’ such an idiot they’d still be here. Harry’d be happy. Peter’d be dead instead, the murderin’ bastard. I’s my fault he go’ away las’ year. Now ee’s back wi’ Voldemort. Ee’s gonna kill us, Moony. Now they know. What’re we goin’ t’do?”
Without a fight? He’d given it to Remus on a silver platter with roses. Oh well. He’d never been able to keep anything from Moony.
“It’s not your fault they’re dead, Sirius,” Remus said after a moment.
“Is too!” Sirius protested. “ ‘S cause I was too full o’ myself. Thought they’d come righ’ after me, didn’ I?” He laughed bitterly. “D’you know? I thought the traitor was you?”
“I know,” Remus said quietly.
“I should ‘ave asked, right?” Sirius said. “If I woulda’ asked, you woulda’ told me it wasn’ you.”
“But you wouldn’t have been able to trust my answer. I would have told you it wasn’t me regardless, wouldn’t I?.” There was a pause. “You did what you thought you had to based on what you knew, Sirius,” Remus said, his voice soft. “No one blames you for it.”
“Fat load of help that is,” Sirius snorted. “I blame me, doesn’ I? Do ent I?” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Don’t I?”
“You shouldn’t.”
Sirius snorted again. “Why not? I’s my fault. Only takin’ the blame where it’s due.”
Remus stared at him for a long moment. “And that’s what brought on the drinking?”
Sirius nodded. “Couldn’t stop rememberin’. James an’ Lily wouldn’ leave me alone. So I went ta’ the Shack. But they were there too. And you. And Peter“murdering bastard.”
“Why didn’t you come here?”
Sirius stared at him. “Didn’ wan’ you ta’ get hurt,” he said simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the
world. “What if they woulda’ found me here? They woulda’ taken you too.”
There was a moment of glaring shock in Remus’s eyes. “Idiot,” he said finally, his voice almost furious.
“No’ an idiot,” Sirius said with conviction.
“No, you’re not, aren’t you?” Remus said softly, staring at Sirius, a look not far from wonder on his face.
Sirius felt clarity rush onto him as the headache lifted suddenly, leaving him still with his loose tongue, and they both stared at each other, new understanding in their eyes. And then, as suddenly as the fog had lifted from Sirius’ brain, Remus kissed him, hard and forcefully, bearing down. A pleasant warmth filled Sirius from the tips of his toes, welling up from a place in his heart he believed to be shut away long ago and nearly swamping him.
There had been a time in his life when Sirius had thought he could never feel content. Never know perfect happiness. But that had been before Moony had kissed him. His life was divided into so many Before and Afters. Before and After school. Before and After his parents had disowned him. Before and After James and Lily had been killed. Before and After Azkaban. But by far, the most pleasant of those divisions was Before he’d been kissed by Moony...and After. Life hadn’t been the same...after. Life couldn’t be.
Remus stared to pull away, but Sirius pulled him back again, not allowing him to break the kiss. It had been too long. A wealth of feelings and sensations were swooping around in the pit of his stomach. Feelings he would have given his life to feel once more when he’d thought he was going to die in Azkaban. There was a frantic urgency to the kiss, a
desperation.
After all, there were very few things in life that Sirius enjoyed as much as he did kissing Remus. Perhaps what kissing Remus led up to....But still, kissing Remus was definitely number one on his list.
“You kissed me,” he stated, dumbfounded and nearly shocked into sobriety when Remus finally forced Sirius to let him go, both of them near to panting.
“You didn’t.”
Sirius considered this. A new realization dawned. So that was why Remus was upset. “Ah,” he said with a knowing smile.
Remus studied him. “Sirius?”
“Hmm?” he answered with a smile, feeling smug. Nearly thirteen years and he still had It.
“How do you manage to love so much?”
Sirius stared at him, his mouth hanging open as the happy swooping feelings of moments before whooshed out of him. He felt a prickling behind his eyes. “Don’t know,” he mumbled, willing the tears not to come. “You’d think I’d learn not to, by now. Since everyone I love dies. And it’s always my fault.”
“Not everyone you love is dead,” Remus said with a meaningful look.
“Yer no’ happy, are you?” Sirius countered, the tears pushed back by his anger. “And that’s my fault too.”
“How is it your fault?” Remus asked, looking surprised.
“Cause. If I hadn’t gone after Peter, we’d have been together and you wouldn’t be livin’ like this,” he answered, gesturing at the room.
“Oh. I see. What else is your fault?”
“Everything. James an’ Lily. Fact that Harry’s an orphan. Fact that you’re poor.” He hung his head; the tears were coming back.
Remus snorted. “Please.”
His head snapped back. That hadn’t quite been the reaction he was expecting. “What?”
“Next thing I know you’ll be telling me that it’s your fault I’m a werewolf as well, right?”
Sirius stared at him.
“I hate it when you act the martyr!” Remus said, shaking his head angrily. “None of it was your fault ”
“It wasn’t?” Sirius asked, stunned by Remus’s outburst.
“No!” Remus yelled. “You did what you thought you had to
do and you had James and Lily’s permission to switch! There’s no way of knowing that Voldemort wouldn’t have gone after them later on If you think about it, you’ve kept Voldermort from the wizarding world for the last thirteen years; you’re practically a hero!”
“I am?”
“And, while I regret James and Lily’s death every single day,” Remus went on passionately, “it is an unarguable fact that Harry’s circumstances has provided him with abilities he wouldn’t have had or needed if he had grown up with two parents. And besides, it isn’t your fault that Harry’s an orphan, it’s Peter’s!”
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, aware enough to start arguing the ridiculousness of what Remus was saying. “But who made it possible“”
“You couldn’t have known!” Remus said over him loudly. “You did what you thought was best for them And,” he continued, his eyes boring into Sirius’s intensely, “it is not your fault that I’m poor. Though you did not have to reference the fact so bluntly,” he added grudgingly.
“I’m“”
“STOP BEING SORRY!” Remus bellowed.
Sirius cringed. Much to his dismay, Remus looked as though he was going to slap him.
“You,” he continued severely, “are of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black. Act that way ”
The tears started to well up again. He didn’t want Remus angry at him on top of everything else. And there was no reason for him to bring up his family either; it was yet another sore Christmastime memory for him. “But“”
Remus moved so sharply, that Sirius thought he actually was going to slap him. He cringed, back against the splintering headboard instinctively. But Remus just got up, nearly pulling the door off its hinges as he yanked it open and left.