Chapter Four
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry, Sirius commanded himself. Don’t“
Remus stormed back into the room. “I had gotten you something else for Christmas,” he said angrily, “but I’ve decided to give you this instead. Turn to page ninety-six,” he offered, tossing the book onto the bed. “I give up,” he said, sounding weary, and left the room once again.
Sirius was stunned, dumbfounded once again as he listened to the sound of Remus’s footsteps head across the hallway and then down the stairs. Had he even been a part of what had just happened? He was, still slightly drunk, feeling as though the last five minutes had happened to someone else. He stared down at the book, not really seeing it for the first few minutes before picking it up. The title looked vaguely familiar. Peeling golden letters spelled out the words: “Conversations with Myself” and he flipped open the cover to see an inscription gracing the inside cover. The tears spilled out finally as he recognized it at last, unable to believe that Remus still had this lying around as well. And it was a few moments before he could read the words he had written fifteen Christmases ago:
“To Moony,
Here are a few words for you to chew on the nights when we’re apart. Hope you find one that suits both your carnivorous and verbivorous tastes.
Love, Padfoot”
It wasn’t the greatest of inscriptions, and he’d even drawn a silly smiley-face at the end, a testament to how young and easy they had been right after graduation. But it had been a gift he’d spent hours looking for, not knowing until he’d read the first poem that it was what he’d been looking for to begin with. It was a simple poem, granted, but sometimes...sometimes simple was all you needed in love.
He turned the page, and choked. It was still there, the words blurred and smudged by tears, the page crackling from the moisture and salt that had dried on it. He knew the poem by heart, but he read it anyway:
I’m Jealous
I’m jealous of the sun
that gets to shine all day
I’m jealous of the grass
that will forever dance and sway.
I’m jealous of the wind
that says just what it will
I’m jealous of the flowers
standing tall upon the hill.
I’m jealous of the sky
blanketing the earth
I’m jealous of the pouring rain
I can’t imagine its worth.
I’m jealous of the snow
that falls like bits of lace
I’m jealous of the sparkling stars
that garb the heavens with grace.
I’m jealous of the planets
of which there are so few
I’m jealous of the moon
a place few have gone to.
But most of all
you know it’s true
I’m jealous of the air
that’s always touching you.
He’d drawn a winking smiley face next to the word ‘moon’ and had added a ‘y’ at the end, simply writing ‘I love you,” on the bottom of the page.
He had to close his eyes, surrendering once more against the headboard before he could turn to page ninety-six. The title of the poem was ‘Yourself,’ and this page was blurred just like the other had been by fallen tears. His eyes scanned it slowly.
Yourself
No one can save you from yourself
no one can get it done
no one knows what’s to be said
or whether the battle’s won.
No one can save you from yourself
so don’t even let them try
you must raise your own hand
to wipe away tears you cry.
No one can save you from yourself
it’s a task that falls on you
it takes months and years to see it
but you’ll know it when you do.
No one can save you from yourself
from the mess you might have made
while memories still linger on
and your body begins to fade.
No one can save you from yourself
as you lay in bed and wait
for Death to come slowly to you
knowing now that it’s too late.
No one can save you from yourself
so come on, GET UP, and go
don’t let failure come near you
don’t let yourself fall low.
No one can save you from yourself
it’s a fact you must hold dear
don’t let it rule your life
or make you live in fear.
No one can save you from yourself
let this knowledge make you strong
against the restraints and pains of this earth
that somehow seem too long.
No one can save you from yourself
tell me now, do you begin to see?
you are your own ultimate ally
in a mass of strangers, a sea.
No one can save you but yourself
take the burden and rise up
create your own opportunities;
it’s time to overflow your own cup.
No one can save you but yourself
you know the truth is here
no one else can hold this post
now tell me...do you care?
Ah.
He was crying freely now, his own tears falling onto the page and mixing with the already dried ones.
He wasn’t just an idiot, he was a monumental idiot. Warnings should be given, so that other people shouldn’t be as stupid as he had. How had he never seen? It was so obvious to him now, glaringly obvious in fact, even through the haze of his tears.
He collected himself after a few minutes, every bit of the alcohol now burnt from his body, and stumbled from the bed. He padded down the stairs and to the kitchen, physically and emotionally drained to the point of exhaustion, to see Remus sitting at the small wooden table, staring so hard it was a miracle the table hadn’t burst into flames.
A few moments passed before Remus looked up. Sirius was unable to speak; he could feel the pain radiating off of Remus, nearly smell it.
“You aren’t the only one it was hard for,” Remus said finally, his eyes looking into Sirius with an unfathomable amount of hurt within them, buried beneath them.
Sirius choked on a sob as it came up his throat. He had never realized. Had never thought. He was an idiot, just like Remus had said he was.
“And you aren’t the only one who needs saving either,” Remus said, almost accusing, managing to glare at Sirius through the veil of tears now covering his own grey eyes.
Sirius managed a slight nod, standing in the doorway of the kitchen, his heart, his life and soul on the line.
“Well?” Remus asked. “What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Nothing,” Sirius finally managed, getting the words out of his chest.
“Nothing?” Remus echoed with a bitter laugh.
“You’re right,” Sirius said simply. “I am an idiot. What should I say? Can you forgive me?”
“Why should I?” Again, that anger, that deep rooted anger of nearly fourteen years crammed into only three words. It was more than a heart could handle.
Sirius went out on a limb. “Because I did what I thought was best with the information I had.”
There was a pause and then Remus laughed. Weakly, perhaps even a little forced, but he laughed, enough to stop the tears.
A spark of hope glimmered in the darkness that this New Year’s had become.
“You don’t deserve it, you know,” Remus went on, his voice bitter.
Sirius almost gasped at how harshly and suddenly that glimmer went out. “I“”
“Don’t say anything,” Remus warned. “Don’t. Don’t be your arrogant, cocky, I-don’t-give-a-damn-about-anything, casual self and make a joke. It is not funny,” he said, his voice shaking.
It wasn’t. Wasn’t funny for even the barest of moments.
Sirius had never felt so scared in his entire life.
“Why didn’t you come?” Remus asked, his voice almost plaintive.
“I“”
“You’ve been out for over a year now,” Remus went on,
talking over him. “And it’s been months since That Night.”
(Sirius did not know at this moment how he knew that Remus had said that with capital letters. He just did. And he knew that that night in the Shack would forever be spoken about in that way, much the way The Prank had been for all these years. It would never be confused with another prank and that night could not be confused with any other. Life-changing moments were like that.)
Helplessly, he nodded.
He knew immediately that this was the wrong thing to do.
“So why didn’t you come ” Remus yelled, throwing his hands up. “Why didn’t you come?” he asked again, his voice shaking, tears threatening once more.
“I told“I told you, I didn’t want you to be hurt,” Sirius said desperately.
Remus pushed his chair back sharply from the table as he shot up. “Do not lie to me,” he said, his finger shaking in Sirius’s face. “Do not lie to me after, after everything!”
“I was scared,” he said suddenly, the words spilling out, his voice stronger for a moment as he met the storm in Remus’s eyes. For just a moment before he said, his voice trembling, “I thought you wouldn’t want me.”
Remus’s mouth fell open. Actually dropped open in shock before he snapped it back closed again. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “No. Not that again. You only got one shot with that Sirius.”
“It’s the truth!” Sirius said desperately. Desperate for that understanding they’d had once before to come again. “I thought“after all these years“after what everyone thought I had done“ I thought you’d hate me“”
“No,” Remus said, shaking his head in denial. “No. No! You can’t do that again. It isn’t fair!”
“I’m sorry,” Sirius said, meaning it with everything he had within him. “I“”
“No!” Remus yelled, throwing his hands up“in defeat? In annoyance? Sirius didn’t know. “There’s been enough of my life that hasn’t been fair without you coming and saying that on top of it all!”
“I know,” Sirius said. “I know. And“”
“Do you have any idea of what it was like for me?” Remus asked. “For thirteen years I was utterly alone in this world. Every friend I had was either dead or in prison. I was pitied for having lost James and Peter and mistrusted because you used to be my best friend and I was a werewolf. Don’t you understand?”
“I“”
“But you!” Remus exclaimed, his whole body shaking. “Love was never a question for you Since the day I met you, you either loved someone or you hated them. There was never any middle ground And so you went off to kill Peter as soon as you knew And I did“I did nothing!” he choked out.
A lot of things were beginning to make sense to Sirius now, and he tried to speak, but Remus spoke right over him.
“You didn’t even tell me,” Remus said, his voice trembling. Accusing. “You just went off, without giving me choice! And then you sat in prison for thirteen years for something you didn’t do.” He laughed, bitterly. “Do you know, I don’t think you even care about that. It must have seemed like the most obvious thing in the world for you to do! Peter killed James and Lily, so you were going to kill him. The twelve years must have been worth it for you! And nothing!” Remus said loudly, his hands slicing through the air. “For twelve years I did nothing. And you escaped from Azkaban and the first thing you did was try to find Peter!”
“But“”
“You didn’t come to me,” Remus said, his voice a pained whisper. “Do you know what it was for me, on top of everything, waiting, every single bloody day, thinking you would finally come? And when you didn’t...going to bed telling myself that you’d come tomorrow? Or the day after that? And after that as well? First, when you had escaped, and then in the months since we exposed Peter? Do you have“” He choked on the words as they came up.
“Ah,” went a small voice in Sirius’s mind.
Overwhelmed by how suddenly the tables had been turned, and not knowing quite what else to do, Sirius suddenly found that he was pulling Remus to himself, locking his arms behind Remus’s back.
“Don’t!” came Remus’s muffled cry, buried in the shirt of Sirius’s pajamas. “Don’t“”
“Shut up,” Sirius said, holding him tighter. “Just shut up, would you?” he asked angrily.
Remus did fall silent then. Slowly, his shaking shoulders stilled as they stood there in the dark kitchen. Time seemed to slow within the walls of house while the snow falling on the other side of the window blanketed the earth in peace and stillness.
“Better?” Sirius asked some time later, after Remus had relaxed in his arms.
Remus slowly lifted his head and nodded.
“Good.” He paused, and then blazed ahead. “I wanted to come,” Sirius explained, his voice all calm desperation. Remus had to understand. “It was all that I wanted. For twelve years the thought of explaining my innocence to you kept me sane. Do you understand what that means?”
“I“”
“No. Be quiet,” Sirius commanded. “I’m not finished.” He took a deep breath. “But I had no way of knowing what had happened to you after I had been taken away. And not being able to imagine what life was like for you in those years, I had no way of knowing if you could ever forgive me for“”
“Sirius“”
“No, Remus, I’m not“”
“Sirius“”
Sirius growled. “I’ve known you since I’m eleven and you still don’t let me finish a sentence! Why“”
Remus laughed. An actual, genuine laugh. And Sirius was startled enough to stop talking.
“If I could forgive you for nearly turning me into a murderer in Sixth Year, I can forgive you for not killing James and Lily. I can even forgive you for leaving me to think that you did for thirteen years.”
Sirius stared at Remus, thinking and then, quite without thinking, leaned in and kissed him.
“Better?” Remus asked softly when they finally drew apart for air.
“Much,” Sirius breathed. He wasn’t sure if he was capable of saying more.
“Good,” Remus said, his voice gentle. “Shall we go upstairs then?”
They released each other at the same time, and Sirius now offered his hand instead of his arms. Remus laughed once, the sound shaky, before taking the hand and friendship offered to him. They made their way up the steps. Together.
FIN!
A/N: If you've seen it through to the end, please leave a review!