5. Only Love in the Dark

I head back to my meagre living, knowing in my heart that I have passed the final test. I have put her happiness before mine. She is better off without me in her life. I can finally appreciate what it is to love, and she will be in my heart for all eternity.

And once more I am alone, yet I am different. I can see my past stretching behind me, but I accept it now, though I cannot move on. I will always see my past and be left trapped in it, even if I am not utterly repulsed by it anymore.

Hermione helped me see that the world is merely a place for mistakes and lies, but although the land may seem dirty and tainted, underneath it is pure and innocent. I can become part of it that suffers forever under the burden of mistakes, or I can wrench myself out of the quicksand of self-loathing.

I push open the door of my ‘home’ and make steadily for the calendar on the wall. On the day marked ‘31st December: New Year’s Eve’ I scrawl a quick reminder of the day I was saved. Saved from myself.

I consider the little note next to the date. ‘New Year’s Eve’. Yes, they say that the New Year is a time for new beginnings, for starting over again. I guess that is what I’m doing. I’m letting Hermione begin again without me, and I can begin again away from here.

Some would regard it as running away, as a cowardly action. But I know differently. I have given up my one true love, just to save her, and now I’m going to let her go on with no constant reminder of me still here.

I wander around the room, picking up my possessions and throwing them into an abandoned suitcase in the corner of the room. Once everything is in, I seal it without difficulty and bring it to the door. I then proceed to wash all the dirty crockery on the side and place it all carefully in the cupboards. I make my stained bed, and clean the carpet and walls. The place looks clean and unused once more.

I grab a piece of parchment from the table on the far side of the room, and write a final note to Hermione – just in case she ever finds my old house.

Hermione,
I knew you’d find this place eventually…so I wanted to say a few things.
You are my saviour, you pulled me out while I was sunk into my own depression; you cared when no-one else did. For this I am eternally grateful.
I’m so sorry I had to leave, but I know it was best for both of us. Good luck with your new life; I wish you all the happiness in the world.
I will love you always,
Draco.

*

After placing the note neatly on my bed, I scramble out of the house, clutching my small suitcase. I glance at my watch. It is ten to midnight.

Maybe I should go and watch the fireworks one last time. I could say my final goodbye to Hermione…

I find myself half-running down the tiny lanes until I reach the main street. I slow down, panting heavily. I spot the crowd of people standing by the large stage, heads upturned in order to watch the fireworks explode into dazzling shards in the air. I dare not walk over and join them, but I look up, just as they do, so as not to be noticed.

I gaze up at the wonderful colour explosions above me, their awe-inspiring nature capturing my childish joy. I look over at the stage, and see a glassy-eyed Hermione staring unseeingly up the sky too. I wrench my eyes from her, reasoning that I am being stupid – utterly stupid – about how I feel.

Once the show is over, I glance down at my watch once more. Five minutes to midnight. I watch as the crowd go and collect a glass of punch from the buffet table beside the stage, before settling themselves down in a seat in front of the stage.

It is like watching a pantomime, a meaningless charade, as I see all their faces turn towards the stage, ready to drink up the same drivel concerning improvements to the town in the next year and evaluations of what has been achieved already.

As expected, they all listen to a short speech by the local Mayor, the drink in every glass slowly disappearing. I turn and wonder if I should leave when finally, Hermione steps forward.

“It is only a minute to midnight now, so if you will all stand and join in a countdown…sixty, fifty-nine, fifty-eight…� I watch her encouraging the crowd. My thoughts are caught up in the parting of her lips, in the voice that travels right across to where I am standing.

I hurriedly reaffirm my grip on the suitcase in my hand as they reach twenty, and then walk a few paces away.

“Ten, nine, eight…� they chant. I turn to face Hermione, who is staring around at all the happy couples. I feel a familiar stinging in my eyes, but, knowing that crying will achieve nothing, I do not submit to its overwhelming power.

“Seven, six, five…� I stand stock still and stare at her beautiful outline. No sound escapes my lips as I stand there, taking in the very last time I would see her.

“Four, three…� I see her eyes roving the crowd, as if searching for something. Then I see them come to rest on me. We simply look at each other, and it is as if she knows. She understands what I am.

“Two…� I arrange my collar begin to turn away, but I still keep my eyes firmly planted on her. It feels as though neither of us have the fortitude to take our eyes away.

“One!� I hear them chorus, and finally, I break her gaze. My eyes prickling with restrained tears, I turn towards the road leading out of town, fireworks exploding in the sky above me.

I walk slowly away down the street, the sound of my shoes barely audible over the shouts echoing from behind me. I can hear the laughter, the joy, and Hermione’s voice in the microphone.

But not once do I look back.

Once upon a time I was falling in love,
But now I'm only falling apart.
There's nothing I can do,
A total eclipse of the heart.
Once upon a time there was light in my life,
But now there's only love in the dark,
Nothing I can say,
But total eclipse of the heart.

Bonnie Tyler, Total Eclipse of the Heart