Disclaimer: I don't own anything, not the songs, and not the people. Except for James' parents, but they don't talk, so they don't count either.
Sirius frowned as he paced around the living room in his apartment. He was supposed to be working on something special for James’ and Lily’s wedding, but so far, he was drawing a blank. Sirius had already written the usual speech that every best man had to give, but he wanted to do something else for two of the people he loved most. But what could he do? It couldn’t be a prank “ much as hated the thought that he’d been forbidden to pull anything by the very person who’d been planning pranks right along with him and their fellow Marauders, he knew that James had a point. For one thing, this was a special time for the two of them, and he knew Lily would kill both him and James if either of them caused any sort of disruption “ not only that, but all of Lily’s relatives were Muggles, most of whom knew nothing about wizards. Playing Muggle pranks had stopped being entertaining for Sirius when he’d bought his first dungbomb. Therefore, Sirius was out of ideas, which was one of his reasons for asking Remus to come over. He’d decided a few hours ago that if he wanted to do something meaningful, he’d need Remus’ help. The others…well, as long as Remus didn’t find out that Sirius liked spending so much time with him because he’d been desperately in love with his sexy werewolf friend for years, what was the harm in trying to see as much of him as possible? Sure, Remus was attracted to men as well, but he’d never given any indication that Sirius’ feelings were anything but unrequited. Sirius wasn’t willing to risk their friendship if he wasn’t certain of Remus’ feelings.
Where on earth is he? Sirius thought to himself, as he continued to pace. He very nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Remus’ voice from the kitchen. “Padfoot? Where are you, mate?”
Ah, if only we could be mates in the literal sense of the word…Sirius pushed this thought aside and said, “In the living room. What took you so long?”
“Mum was in the middle of inflicting one of her weekly visits on me when I got your owl,” Remus said as he walked into the room. Sirius barely held in a sigh of pleasure as he took Remus in. The other man had his light brown hair pulled back into a loose pony tail, and his beautiful golden eyes were dancing with a mischievous light. His robes were patched and faded, but they fit him well. Sirius was torn from his appraisal of his beloved Moony when he asked, “So what did you want me to help me with, Sirius?”
“Hm?” Sirius said with a jolt. “Oh, yes. I need your help with something. See, I’ve promised to do something special for James and Lily’s wedding, but since they’ve forbidden me to pull any pranks-”
“Oh, the horror!” Remus said in a mockingly scandalized voice, as he took a seat in a chair near the coffee table. “Sirius Black not being able to play a prank! What is the world coming to?”
“That’s what I said,” Sirius muttered disgustedly. “Unfortunately, James seems to think that weddings should be solemn ceremonies. Which is ridiculous, because I distinctly remember him being the one who suggested we spike the punch at Frank and Alice’s wedding.”
“Yes, but this is his wedding,” Remus pointed out. “Besides, you guys didn’t actually spike the punch then.”
“But we would have, if Lily hadn’t caught us! And that’s not the point,” Sirius told him as he dropped down in a chair opposite him. “The point is that James wanted to do it, and now here he is telling me I can’t pull a prank! This is a momentous occasion! There should be something “ a sort of farewell prank for the Marauders! But no,James has to be all proper.”
Remus sighed. He knew that if he let Sirius continue, he’d probably go on for hours. “Sirius, if you want to pull a prank, do it at the Bachelor party. Now, what did you want me to help you with?”
“Well, I’ve promised them I won’t do any pranks,” Sirius said with a roll of his eyes. “But I need some ideas for something I can do, besides the speech. I wanted something out of the ordinary, but also something they won’t expect from me.”
“Something serious, then,” Remus said, thinking. “And don’t even say it, Sirius. That was not an opening for yet another horrendously bad pun on your name.”
Sirius shut his mouth immediately.
“Now let me think…something interesting and memorable…hm…” Remus frowned in concentration as he stood up and began to unconsciously retrace Sirius’ steps. Suddenly, Remus’ eyes lit up, and he turned to face Sirius with an excited expression on his face. “I’ve got it! Didn’t you used to have a guitar, Sirius?”
“Yeah…I think it’s still around here, somewhere. Probably in a box in the closet,” Sirius said, raising his eyebrows in confusion. “Why?”
“Do you have any sheet music?” Remus asked.
“Yeah, it should be with the guitar.” Now Sirius was really confused. What did Remus suddenly want with his guitar? Before he could ask again, Remus dashed off down the hall. As Sirius got up and followed out of the room, he heard Remus opening the door to closet in his bedroom.
“Bloody hell, Sirius! How do you ever find anything in here?” Remus asked when he saw the mess. The clothes on the rack were relatively neat, but the rest of the rather large closet looked like a garbage pile. There were books on top of shoes on top of dirty clothes on top of what looked to Remus like an out-of-date carton of milk. “And why is there a carton of milk in your closet?”
Sirius shrugged as he went to stand beside his friend. “Couldn’t remember where it went, and I only just got shelves put in the kitchen “ you know how my landlord is; took him forever to get him to agree to let me make any sort of changes to the place. Said it would ‘detract from the value of the apartment’ or some such shit like that. ‘Value of the apartment’, my ass. This place is a dungheap.”
“Well, if you hate it so much, then why are you living here?” Remus asked.
“Because it’s a cheap dungheap. And as for me finding anything in it, I don’t,” Sirius stated. “I just summon anything I want.”
“Of course,” Remus said with a snort.
“Anyway, are you going to tell about this wonderful idea of yours?” Sirius asked. “Or am I going to have to stand here forever?”
“I was thinking,” Remus said as he pulled out his wand. “That you could do a song for them. I know you know how to play, and that you have a good singing voice.”
It had taken quite a while, but Remus finally managed to convince Sirius that he should perform one or two songs at James’ and Lily’s wedding reception “ on the condition that Remus came over every afternoon after work to help. There was only a month until the wedding, Sirius reasoned, and Remus could sing pretty sell so why not get him to help? There was, of course the added bonus that he would get to see the gorgeous werewolf every day, but Sirius wasn’t about to complain.
It had taken a great deal of discussion, but they’d finally decided that Sirius would perform two of the Beatles’ songs. Sirius and Remus were both great fans of the Muggle group, and if Remus was going to help him practice they should at least do songs he liked. Sirius was also certain Lily would appreciate the fact that he would be performing songs her relatives might know “ even if the wizards in the crowd more than likely wouldn’t have heard the songs before. The only problem was trying to decide which ones he should sing.
“Sirius, how many times do I have to tell you that you can’t sing ‘Rocky Raccoon’ at the wedding?” Remus said in exasperation. Really, it was no wonder it had been so difficult for James and Lily to agree to let Sirius do something besides his speech. The things he came up with.
“Oh, come on, Moony! If I can’t pull any pranks, I should at least be able to sing whatever songs I want to!” Sirius whined.
“Not if those songs don’t have anything to do with being in love,” Remus said, very nearly pulling his hair out in irritation. “I know you like the song, but it just doesn’t work at a wedding.”
“Fine,” Sirius said with a scowl. He sat in his favorite armchair for beside his fireplace, thinking. Then he brightened. “If I can’t play that, can I do ‘Yellow Submarine’? That’s a great song!”
“Sirius!” Remus was really beginning to get frustrated. “What did I just say? It has to be a love song, and a song about people living in a submarine “ a song that I’m pretty sure was written when the Beatles were in their ‘let’s get high because we’re rich and famous and want to die an early death’ phase is not a love song!”
“But Remus! There’s nothing wrong with it!” Sirius continued whining. “It’s my favorite song!”
“That may be true Padfoot,” Remus said calmingly. “But you’ve got to keep in mind that this is our best friend’s wedding “ and he’s getting married to someone who’d be more than willing to hex off certain parts of you should you cause her any sort of embarrassment. And singing ‘Yellow Submarine’ would more than likely qualify as mortifyingly inappropriate for Lily’s wedding. You know how badly she wants to make a good impression on everyone they’ve invited.”
“Okay, okay. Geez, it was just a suggestion,” Sirius muttered.
“Now, what about ‘In My Life’?” Remus asked. “That’s a love song, and it’s about change “ I think it’d be perfect. And I think you should also do ‘P.S. I Love You as well. It just seems to fit.”
“Oh, of course the songs you want me to song are ‘perfect’,” grumbled Sirius. “Why is it that the songs I want are ‘ridiculous’ and ‘mortifyingly inappropriate’?”
But secretly, Sirius was delighted with the selection. Sirius had spent the last week testing Remus, attempting to gauge the other man’s feelings for him. Although Sirius couldn’t be absolutely certain that Remus was attracted to him, he was reasonably sure of that fact. After all, just the other day, Sirius had ‘accidentally’ forgotten that Remus was coming over, so that the werewolf arrived just in time to run into Sirius after he’d just taken a shower. He’d still been dripping water, and had a towel wrapped loosely around his waste. He’d looked irresistibly gorgeous, if he did say so himself, and the look Remus had given him had been just what Sirius was hoping for. Ever since then, Sirius had done whatever he could to get a reaction out of Remus “ he was shocked that the supposedly intelligent wizard had yet to figure out that Sirius was trying to pick him up. Of course, Sirius wanted more than sex, but all the same…
Over the course of the week, Sirius had come up with a plan to finally get Remus’ attention. He’d use his performance at the reception to make Moony realize how he felt about the werewolf. And Remus had just given him the perfect songs to get him with…
Sirius’ singing had been a little off when they’d first started practicing, but as the weeks progressed he became more confident with the songs. He’d practically glowed with pride when, the day before the wedding, Remus pronounced him ready to perform in front of an audience.
That had been yesterday. Now, it was time for the real deal. He just hoped the hangover he still had from last night wouldn’t interfere with his ability to “ well, do anything. Blast his allergy to hangover cures. He couldn’t even properly celebrate his best friend’s condemnation to a life of servitude “ that is, he couldn’t celebrate his best friend’s upcoming life of joy and fatherhood without paying dearly for it.
Well, Sirius thought as he straightened his tie and fixed his cufflinks, before giving himself a once-over in the mirror. Here goes nothing.
Sirius arrived at the church earlier than either Remus or Peter (who were both groomsmen) “ but, as it turned out, he’d gotten there just in time to stop a catastrophe. James was getting cold feet, and was attempting to sneak out of the church just as Sirius was arriving. Why he’d thought he could get away unnoticed through the front door was beyond Sirius.
“What were you thinking, Prongs?” Sirius asked once he’d all but shoved his friend back into his dressing room.
“I don’t know!” James said frantically. “I haven’t been thinking properly for the past three years! I can’t get married! I’m barely even twenty!”
Sirius sighed. He’d hoped this wouldn’t happen “ he wasn’t really the best at calming people down. But Remus wasn’t there yet, so he’d have to give it his all. Besides, James was looking a little green around the gills, and Sirius really didn’t want to see the other man get sick. “Look, James. You love Lily, right?”
“Of course I do!” James said vehemently as he began to pace nervously.
“And you want to have a future with her, right?” Sirius asked.
“Yes! But I’m nervous. What if we get married and she realizes that I’m just a stupid prat who doesn’t deserve her? What if she decides that I’m not mature enough for her? What if-”
“Good Merlin, James!” Sirius put a calming hand on his friend’s arm as the other man stopped in front of him. “Listen to yourself. This is Lily you’re talking about. She already knows you’re a stupid prat who doesn’t deserve her. But I don’t think she’ll mind that or your immaturity, so long as you’ve stopped wearing those ridiculous pajamas with the golden snitch and the feet. You have stopped, haven’t you?”
James blushed a little at that and looked down at his feet, saying, “Um, well, not “ I mean, I “ that is to say, I “ yes. I stopped.”
Sirius gave him an amused look and raised his eyebrows. “James. You’re twenty. And you’re wearing pajamas with feet? Do you want to get anywhere tonight?”
“Of co- Wait.” James looked indignantly at his friend. “What makes you think I haven’tgotten anywhere with Lily yet?”
“James,” Sirius began, his expression clearly saying ‘Are you stupid?’. “First of all, I know Lily. Regardless of whatever other things she might do, she’s not the sort of girl to have sex without a wedding band on her finger. All that Muggle rubbish about no ‘premarital sex’ invaded her brain long before you got a hold of her, and you know it. Second, I know you. And you, my oh-so-noble friend, are not the sort of guy who can have sex with any female and not brag about it to your friends. Oh, don’t give me that look Prongs,” Sirius said as James’ expression became incredulous. “Have you forgotten fifth year? The year you couldn’t keep your hands off Danielle Galespy, Alicia Roberts, Katie McGenis, Caitlyn Doyle-”
“You can stop anytime now,” James said, annoyed.
Sirius shrugged innocently. “I was just making a point, mate. Every time you went out with one of them, you came back the next morning with a stupid grin on your face and you could never resist telling the rest of us all about your date in excruciating detail.”
Before James could say anything else, Remus (who’d finally arrived with Peter in tow) pulled the door open, saying, “James! It’s time to start! Get out there, mate.”
James paled and said, “Oh God, I’m going to die!”
Remus shook his head and said, “James you’re getting married to the woman of your dreams, not facing off against Voldemort. You’re not going to die “ unless of course you lose what’s left of your mind and do something to hurt Lily. Then I’m pretty sure she’d kill you “ after maiming you.”
James paled even more as Sirius stood up and walked him to the door, saying, “Yeah, mate. Just burn those bloody pajamas and you won’t have any problems at all.”
“Pajamas?” Remus asked Sirius as James joined Peter in the vestibule, a disturbingly blank expression on his face.
“Two words,” Sirius said with a chuckle as he wrapped an arm around Remus’ shoulders. “Snitches and Feet.”
Remus burst out laughing as he understood what Sirius meant. “Those? He’s still got those pajamas?”
“What’s worse,” Sirius answered, taking the moment before they had to go into the sanctuary to admire Remus’ utterly delectable appearance. He should wear black more often. “He still wears them.”
The wedding, as Sirius had suspected, went off without a hitch. Almost. Lily looked beautiful in her flowing white wedding gown. James managed to say his vows and only squeak three times. Sirius managed to escort Petunia, Lily’s maid of honor, down the isle without deliberately tripping her or making any comments about her appearance (It had been a close thing, as Sirius had been dying to say, “Has your face always looked like that, or has it only been that way since you fell out of that tree and hit all those branches on the way down? You know the one I’m talking about, right? That horribly ugly tree you’ve got?” But he’d restrained himself. Barely.) In fact, the only problem had come when Sirius had handed James the rings and the poor bloke was so nervous, he dropped them, and they’d rolled underneath the organ. James had only made it worse by diving down to get them “ and crashing into organist.
But, nevertheless, the vows were said and the rings were “ eventually “ exchanged. And now, having taken the wedding pictures, they were on the way to the reception. Sirius, who’d made sure that he was sitting next to Remus in the limousine, began fidgeting nervously as he suddenly realized that in less than an hour he would more than likely be up on stage making a complete fool of himself. The last thing he needed was for the person he was trying to impress to suddenly decide that he was to stupid and inept to be interested in. He supposed he knew how James felt now.
“You’re not getting nervous, are you?” Remus whispered in his ear.
Sirius shivered, and suppressed the thought that he’d much rather have Remus whispering in his ear for a very different reason. “Of course not. That’s ridiculous, Remus my dear. What gave you that idea?”
Remus raised an eyebrow at him and said, “For one thing, you haven’t stopped moving since we got in the car.” He chose to ignore the ‘my dear’ comment, as well as they warmth that flooded him at hearing the endearment from Sirius. Even if it was a rather girly one.
Sirius’ fidgeting was getting even worse as they approached the hotel where the reception was being held. Remus glanced at him out of the corner of his eyes as they pulled into the parking lot. “Sirius, don’t worry. You’re going to be fine. Just picture everyone in James’ Golden Snitch pajamas, and it won’t be so bad.”
Sirius gave a nervous chuckle at that. He sighed as he opened the door and stepped out, followed by Remus and Peter and Frank, the other groomsmen, who’d both been sitting across from them. “Yeah Sirius,” Peter said, patting him on the back. “Since when have you been nervous about entertaining a bunch of people “ especially when you’re supposed to entertain them with jokes about James?”
He looked at his two friends, who were both smiling encouragingly at him. If only they knew. He wasn’t really all that nervous about his speech or about having to sing - well, he was, but that wasn’t what was bothering him. He was afraid that this latest ploy to get Remus’ attention wouldn’t work, that everything he’d sensed from Moony over the past few weeks had been nothing more than wishful thinking. What if Remus didn’t really want him? Sirius sighed. Well, he’d never know for sure if he didn’t try. “You guys are right. I’m just being stupid. Everything’s going to be great.”
With that, he threw his arms around his two fellow Marauders and together the three of them followed Frank into the building.
The reception had been going on for nearly an hour, everyone wining and dining and treating the bride and groom like royalty. Well, everyone was, for the most part, treating Lily like loyalty (Even Sirius was too afraid of her hexing ability to get her worked up). James, however, had been the butt of many of his friends’ jokes to Lily’s relatives. The jokes had of course been altered, so that they would be appropriate for Muggles “ if not James’ twelve year old cousin who heard Remus telling Lily’s Uncle Horace about the time the football coach (Madame Hooch) had caught James in the locker rooms with a dirty magazine and his hand in his trousers. Remus thought it best to avoid James’ aunt Delilah for the rest of the night.
Sirius was still laughing his head off about it when he realized with a jolt that it was time for his speech. “Wish me luck,” he muttered to Remus before grabbing a wine glass and heading for the stage where the band was. He tapped lightly on the microphone, saying, “Er, hey, can I have everyone’s attention?”
When that didn’t work, Sirius leaned down and, speaking directly into the microphone said, “Oi! You lot! Listen up!”
This time, everyone turned to face him. Sirius chose to ignore the dangerous look Lily was giving him. “Right, thanks. So, as the best man, it’s my duty to make a speech or toast or whatever about the lovely couple, right? Just checking. Now, just so everyone knows, I’ve never made a toast at a wedding before, so if anything I say is inappropriate, it’s entirely the groom’s fault “ he’s the one who picked me, after all.”
Some of the wizarding crowd chuckled at that. James shifted nervously. Lily gave Sirius a look that said quite plainly, ‘Get on with it!’ Sirius winked at her. “First off, I have to say that James is probably one of the best blokes I know “ on the occasions when he’s not being a stupid prat, that is. Unfortunately for James, those occasions are few and far between. Of course,” Sirius continued as the crowd laughed again. “When I first met him on the train to school, I thought he was going to be a right idiot. But then, he opened his mouth and I knew he was definitely an idiot. But seriously, James is one the best friends I’ve ever had “ he’s more of a brother to me than my own ever was. I don’t know where I would have been without him and his wonderful parents,” Sirius nodded to Henry and Caitlyn Potter, who were sitting at a table near the dance floor. “If it hadn’t been for James, I probably would have dropped out of school and ended up a bum on the street. Which is why I’m so glad he’s found someone to love as much as he loves Lily.”
Sirius raised his glass to Lily before continuing. “Lily is quite possibly the one girl I know who is capable of controlling James without having to use ropes. Something that no one except James knew for the longest time is that the two of them are perfect for each other. As different as my two friends may seem, they are both amazing people who love each other more than words can say “ and that, I have learned, is the most important thing. James and Lily Potter are quite possibly two of the luckiest people in this room “ maybe even the world. They have found someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with, build a family with, and that really is something. So, here’s hoping that we can all be so fortunate. To James and Lily!”
Sirius, along with everyone else in the room, raised his glass and drank to the bride and groom. He placed his empty glass on the floor of the stage near the base of the microphone before saying, “Now, if you will all bear with me for a bit longer, I’d like to ask my friend Remus to go get the thing I dropped off earlier. I’ve got a little surprise in store for James and Lily “ my gift to them, since I’m too cheap to actually buy them a present.”
Everyone chuckled at that, although James and Lily were both looking a bit nervous as Remus made his way out of the room. When he returned a moment later with Sirius’ guitar in hand, they were entirely puzzled. They knew Sirius had planned something else, but what was he going to do with his guitar? (A/N: Intelligent, aren’t they?)
Sirius winked licentiously at Remus as the other man handed him the instrument. Remus shook his head, smiling, as he returned to the audience. Then, Sirius straightened up, put the strap across his shoulder said, “As James told me I wasn’t aloud to pull any pranks, I knew I had to come up with some way to make this night more memorable than it already is without having Lily kill me. Now, don’t worry mate, Remus helped me pick these two songs out. The idiot refused to let me sing what I wanted to.”
James smiled and Lily laughed at that. If Remus had helped, perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad. Sirius struck the first cord of his song and began singing. His strong, lyrical voice rang throughout the hall.
As I write this letter
Send my love to you
Remember that I'll always
Be in love with you
At this, Sirius looked up, his eyes searching for Remus. When he found his friend’s face in the crowd, Sirius couldn’t take his eyes off of him. All of a sudden, everyone else, even James and Lily, disappeared. He was singing for Remus, even if he was the only one who knew it.
Treasure these few words
Till we're together
Keep all my love forever
P.S. I love you
You you you
He glanced at James and Lily and was amused to see her pretending to think when he asked her to dance. His eyes flicked back to Remus as James led his new wife out onto the dance floor.
I'll be comin' home again
To you love
Until the day I do love
P.S. I love you
You you you
Sirius never took his eyes of the gorgeous werewolf, hoping his intent was showing.
As I write this letter
Send my love to you
Remember that I'll always
Be in love with you
Treasure these few words
Till we're together
Keep all my love forever
P.S. I love you
You you you
By now, more people had started to dance. Sirius held in a laugh when he saw James’ dad trying to dance with Petunia. She looked as if she might die of shame. Remus, however, stayed where he was, watching Sirius perform.
As I write this letter
Send my love to you
Remember that I'll always
Be in love with you
I'll be comin' home again
To you love
Until the day I do love
P.S. I love you
You you you
You you you
I love you
The song ended, and everyone offered their thunderous approval. Sirius took a sip of his now refilled glass of wine before saying, “Thank you. I’ve got one more song that Remus and I both thought would be perfect, not just for James and Lily, but more than likely for all of us. So, if you’ll all give me you’re attention once more, I’ll butcher yet another Beatles song.”
Sirius once again caught Remus’ eye as he started ‘In My Life’.
There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Sirius put his entire soul into the words he was singing, pouring everything he’d ever felt for Remus into the song. He hoped his feelings were showing in his eyes. When Sirius looked at Remus again, Remus suddenly understood. All those signals Sirius had been sending him for the past few weeks “ and probably longer, now that he thought about it “ suddenly made since. Sirius was singing for him. He smiled.
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more
When Sirius finished singing, he carefully removed the guitar from his shoulder and placed it on the floor. Ignoring all cheers he was getting, he made his way over to Remus. As he approached the man he loved, Sirius was relieved to see that Remus was smiling “ and it wasn’t just any smile, either. It was the sort of brilliant, thousand-watt smile that could make even the hardest of souls fall at his feet. Sirius was entranced.
It was a moment before either of them spoke. Sirius cleared his throat nervously before saying, “Remus, I-”
But all of a sudden, there was no need for words. Remus stepped forward, closing the distance between them, and pressed his lips to Sirius’ gently. The crowd seemed to melt away as Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus’ waist, pulling him even closer. Remus’ arms wound themselves around Sirius’ neck, his hands plunging into Sirius’ hair as the gentle caress turned more passionate. It was heaven.
Regretfully, Sirius pulled back a moment later “ though he didn’t loosen his hold on Remus. He smiled, saying, “So, is this the part where we confess our undying love for each other before running off to shag each other senseless?”
Remus laughed. “That sounds wonderful. So…do you?”
“Love you?” Sirius asked, moving his hand up to cup Remus’ face. “Of course. You’re perfect. I’d have to be crazy not to be insanely in love with you.”
Remus blushed at that, and then leaned in to kiss the other man once more. When he pulled back, he whispered, “I love you too, Sirius.”
A second later, the two were drawn out of their private universe by a loud whistle. They turned around to see their friends (Petunia and a few of the other Muggles were staring at them in abject horror.) clapping and laughing at them, as James walked up to them, saying, “Well, it’s about time you two got your acts together! But did you have to do it tonight? You’ve stolen my thunder, you idiots!”
Sirius laughed and tightened his one-armed hold on Remus. “Sorry, James, but I had no choice! Remus here is just too irresistible!”
Remus groaned and buried his face in Sirius’ neck, thinking, ‘What have I gotten myself into?’