“Well, you see, I was only looking out for you, James, since you’re my best friend in the whole wide world. I had heard this rumor that Lily Evans was dating someone, and I wanted so desperately to know how you could win Lily over, so I figured that the best way to do that would be to consult her friend, Holly, since she’s a seer and all, of course,” Peter began.
“Holly Who-Now?” asked James.
Sirius passionately explained, “Holly Hawley, the girl with gorgeous blue eyes and beautiful brown hair!” Sirius dreamily stared out the window, grasped the fabric of his robes covering his heart, and let out a deep dramatic sigh, full of longing. It might not have been love, but lust had quite the effect on Sirius.
James, quite puzzled, thought for a second and then questioned, “You mean that girl that we sit next to in Potions?”
“The very same,” Sirius replied.
“Oh, so I guess that explains a lot. That’s why you picked that spot! You fancy her!” James chuckled.
“What?! I never said that! In fact, she’s too tall. I can barely read her answers over her shoulder!” Sirius retorted.
“OK. Whatever. Peter, continue.”
Peter, glaring resentfully at Sirius, continued. “As I was saying, I went to talk with Holly in order to get the information necessary to get Lily to like you. I decided that I should just ask her, flat-out, what you should do to insure Lily’s affection.” Allowing enough time to receive a reaction from James, Peter took in a drawn-out breath.
“And…?” James yelled exasperatedly. “Uh, I mean, yeah. So then what happened? Not that I care or anything, but I do. Just not that much.”
“Right, Cleopatra,” Sirius said, deviously mocking James.
“Excuse me. Do I look like a girl? I'm not the Queen of the Nile or the Queen of Denial!” James exclaimed.
Peter, confused, asked, “What are you guys even talking about? James isn’t a girl, and he’s not from Russia either! I don’t get it.”
Sirius, rolling his eyes, simply stated, “Peter, keep telling your story, and don’t stray from the topic.”
James, frustrated beyond comparison, finally exclaimed, “Get on with the story, Peter! I mean, continue, old chap!”
Peter, shocked, hurriedly appeased James. Leaning in, conspiratorially, Peter whispered, “So, Holly told me, after much persuasion, under the utmost secrecy, that Lily is in fact already dating Severus Snape!” James gasped in horror while Sirius giggled uncontrollably.
James, sounding as if he was being suffocated or choked, finally managed to inquire, “Lily? With Severus Snape?! How is that possible?”
Peter knowingly patted James on the shoulder and simply said, “A wise person once said, ‘Love is blind.’”
Sirius, noting the gravity of the circumstances in the eyes of his fellows, tried to handle the volatile situation delicately. “This is true, but do you honestly think that love is blind, deaf, and devoid of any semblance of reason or logic? Look, Lily may be dating someone, but I would be willing to bet my secret stash of Zonko’s goods that Lily is not dating Snape. Seriously, that’s just insane. He calls her Mudblood almost every time he sees her. That doesn’t exactly turn a girl on.”
“You’re right!” yelled James, jumping up onto the seat.
“Hold up, lover boy. Just wait for Peter to finish his story, and then you can go galloping in on your white horse… or your broomstick, whichever you prefer,” Sirius reasoned.
Peter opened his mouth to continue his tale when eight rather large purple bubbles (smelling strongly of essence of lavender) erupted from his mouth, and James and Sirius burst into giggles as the bubbles popped. After the momentary distraction, Peter began, yet again, boasting, “So, I decided that I would not stand for Snivellus taking my friend’s woman. I marched right up to him and demanded a duel.” At this moment, Peter took in a gasp of breath and puffed his chest up in an attempt to mirror George Washington crossing the Delaware, but succeeding in resembling only a sketchy soufflé. Sirius disguised his subsequent laughter as a coughing fit.
James eagerly pressed on. “What happened after you challenged Snivellus?”
Peter, slightly abashed, began to deflate. “Snape implied that I really wasn’t up to his standard, so he point-blank refused to give me the time of day. Of course, as a Marauder, I was rather offended, so I called him a coward, in front of all of his Slytherin gang. I pulled out my wand, and before I could even begin to mutter a single hex, Snape had me floating in the air, upside down so my underwear were showing.”
“So, what day of the week is it, Peter? Or did you forget to change your days-of-the-week underpants?” Sirius inquired, half-jokingly.
Peter, blushing profusely, continued as if he hadn’t heard a word Sirius said. “He ended up stuffing me into an empty trunk and closing it. I wasn’t strong enough to lift the lid, but the next thing I knew, Lily Evans was letting me out of the trunk. She must’ve heard my muffled screams… or seen a bubble. Then, she walked in exactly the same direction Snivellus had gone but not two minutes before. So, you know what that means, don’t you?”
“Lily Evans was following Snape into the back of the train so that she could run her hands through his greasy hair while snogging him senseless?” Sirius asked in jest. “Ew, wait, that’s not a pretty mental picture,” he added as an afterthought, displaying a look of pure revulsion.
James, who until now was frozen on his station atop the seat, sprang into action, drawing his wand heroically from his robes. “There is no way on earth that Lily would ever do any such thing! She knows that so much grease applied to skin could suffocate it! Plus, she’s saving herself for me and me alone!”
“Sure, Romeo. Look, James, it does seem that Peter did kind of ask for it. I mean, he went up to Snivellus and called him a coward in front of all his cronies. That’s like ripping his balls off and feeding them to his toad!” Sirius exclaimed.
“But I don’t have a toad! And, Snape is going out with James’s true love!” Peter retorted defensively.
“Well, she’s my true love, but I’m apparently not hers. However, I still don’t think that she would go after Snivellus. He’s really not her type. Now, if she were going out with a stand-out guy who appears to have it all, like… say… Archy, then that would make more sense,” James reasoned as he glanced out the compartment window to see the source of his inspiration, Archimedes Hand. “I have to help her out. I know that she doesn’t exactly reciprocate my love and affection, but I should at least be willing to be her friend. A friend would most willingly protect her from this kind of… evil! If you guys are really my friends, which you have definitely proven yourselves to be, you’ll help me help her.”
Sirius, rather reluctant, saw his friends pleading eyes begging him for some semblance of mercy, and relented. “Mate, you just have to remember that she’s not yours to defend all the time. You know that ticks her off more than anything, but if you realize that, then I’m in.” Peter frantically nodded in agreement, trying to quell a bubble escaping from his left nostril, and in unison, they all took a step towards the compartment door…
A/N: I would just like to point out that I don't think that "Peter-bashing" is too terribly far-fetched. In the American version of the third book, Rosmerta is quoted saying, "Pettigrew? That fat little boy who was always tagging around after them at Hogwarts?” Minerva then replies, "Hero-worshipped Black and Potter… Never quite in their league talent-wise.” Obviously, yes, he was a Marauder, and I'm sure that James and Sirius loved him. However, I think that he was always a couple of steps behind. I do respect your opinion(s). I just wanted to validate my personal views on Peter back in his Hogwarts days. I am a big fan of canon, but I want to give this story a "not-so-terribly cliche" spin. I hope that explains the direction of the story a little better. Have a lovely day! :)!)