Once they were outside their compartment, James paused, and in a manner similar to Bond, James Bond, he said, “Be on your guard now, wands at the ready. Stay close to me.”
Peter, following meekly behind, questioned, “James, don’t you think that maybe we should use the invisibil-“
“No,” James announced, holding up his right hand, “this time, it’s personal. We do this face-to-face.”
“Oh!” exclaimed Sirius in an explicitly sarcastic tone. “So that’s why this is so different from all of the other times!” James simply glared at his best friend as they continued on their path towards Snape’s compartment. When they reached the door of the compartment, James took control, opening the door and talking directly to his arch-nemesis, Severus Snape.
“Snivellus, I’d like a word. Could you risk five minutes alone with me and send your little entourage outside?” James inquired.
“Here’s a word. In fact, here are nine words: Get the bloody hell out of my compartment… NOW!” Snape boomed. Seeing Snape’s glaring red eyes and frightening scowl, Peter slightly shifted his weight so that James was blocking him from Snape’s view. He hadn’t forgotten his days-of-the-week underwear or his lavender-scented air fresheners.
“Seriously, are you just afraid to give me a moment of your time in which you won’t have your posse to back you up? I would think that since you and Lily are always calling me arrogant, pig-headed, proud, narcissistic, blah, blah, blah, you’d be willing to let me attack so that you could rightly put me in my place and deflate my, as you so callously put it, ‘enormously gigantic ego.’”
Snape seemed to ponder this, stroking his rather pitiful attempt at a goatee. “Well, ‘Potty Pot,’ I would love a chance to teach you a lesson or two, maybe even three, so I will acquiesce.” At this moment, Snape motioned his crew to the door, and they all fell out and joined Peter and Sirius in the hall. Sirius nodded at James, assuring him that if anything went wrong, he would hex the hell out of everyone in the vicinity. When Snape alone remained in the compartment, James stepped in from the doorway and shut the door behind him.
Raising his wand hand, he flicked and swished muttering, “Silencio.” Realizing that the privacy would get Snape to open up a tad bit more, James sat down opposite of Snape and coolly regarded him.
“James,” Snape scowled.
“Severus,” James responded, just as menacingly. “You know that even though I can’t stand the sight of you, I do have a respect for you and your talents… on some level.”
“The feeling is mutual, although I won’t even attempt to show a public display of affection for you, James.”
“Severus, I think it’s time that we had another one of our little ‘chats.’”
Snape, sighing, questioned, “What is it about this time, Potter?” while making a grab for James’s robes.
“Well, actually, there’s a rumor circulating the train that you and my dearest flower are dating,” James answered, throwing a purposefully ill-aimed punch at Snape.
“Oh! Nice punch! That would’ve hurt,” Snape laughed.
“Thanks, but anyways, this rumor, does it have any merit whatsoever?”
Severus, at this point, kicked to the right of James’s left leg so that it appeared that he had just crushed “the family jewels.” James, catching the illusion, dropped animatedly to the ground and made a show of clutching his nether parts. He held up a hand to keep Sirius from barging into the compartment. “I hate it when you do that one! It makes me look like such a pansy! Answer the question!” James said, raising his voice.
“Sorry. Beating you up is too much fun and way too easy!”
James, losing his patience, pinned Snape to the wall and yelled furiously, with a glint in his eyes, “Look, Snivellus, Lily is… In other words, you better not be playing at something. Tell me now! What is going on?”
Snape, getting that this was no longer an amicable conversation, decided that it was time to get down to business. “Potter,” he said, drawing his wand, “I would never, ever touch the likes of Lily Evans, Mudblood or not. If she’s your type, she’s all yours, but seeing as she’d never give you the time of day, smart girl that she is, I don’t see why you’re so riled up.” Shooting theatrical red sparks at James, he inquired, “Is that all? Can we cut the crap and get on with our lives?”
Relieved that Snape wasn’t dating Lily, he still couldn’t get something off of his mind. “So, wait, why would Holly have told Peter that you were dating Lily if, in fact, as you claim, nothing could be farther from the truth?”
“Dearest James,” Snape patronizingly mocked, “don’t you see what’s going on here? Obviously, your ‘flower of virtue’ doesn’t reciprocate your misguided affections. Did you ever think that maybe she has her eye on someone else and merely wanted you to be distracted? I know this might prove to be rather difficult for you, but let us think for a moment, shall we? You are always at war with me, so what would easily distract James Potter, the famous Marauder? Let me help your miniscule brain out for a second. Holly decided to make me a diversionary tactic, and look how well that’s working for her. What you need to do is get out of my bloody compartment and solve the mystery yourself,” he finished with an almost pitying look.
Then, as if realizing that they’d been still too long, James dramatically bellowed, “Petrificus totalus! Snivellus, remember, this time, it’s my turn to perform the final act…” He winked at his immobile enemy and opened the door quickly, releasing the largest handful of Dungbombs he could muster. “Run!” he yelled to his comrades as he escaped the compartment. The three boys flew down the corridor and came to a halt when they believed that they were out of wand-shot.
Successive “Boom! Crack! Pop!” sounds echoed out of Snape’s compartment, followed by loud exclamations of, “Ew! Nasty! Look at this… this… CRAP!” Bursting out into raucous laughter, Sirius fell onto the floor, gripping his side, while James doubled over, leaning onto the door of the nearest compartment for support. Peter froze in horror, his eyes almost bugging out of his head.
James, having recovered from his bout of laughter, looked up and saw Peter’s expression. “Oh come on! We’re not going to get in trouble, so don’t get your Saturday panties in a twist!” Peter simply pointed at the compartment door that James was leaning against. Confused, James slowly turned around only to have his face register the same shock and horror that had occupied Peter’s countenance only moments earlier. His heart dropped to the bottom of his stomach. There, on the other side of the compartment door, was Lily Evans, his lily, being passionately embraced by none other than Archy Hand. The irony of the situation was simply too much to handle. His face turned green and he began to exercise his gag-reflex.
However, before he could fully recover and react, Snape popped his head out of his compartment and contemptuously hollered, “What’s wrong, Potter? Lily Evans got your tongue? Oh wait, that’s right, Archy’s got hers!” He beamed, winking at James. Overcome by rage and hatred for the man whom he had confided in only minutes ago, James raised his wand and shouted the first curse that came to mind, “Levicorpus!” Snape flew up high into the air, his feet gliding along the ceiling. James thoughtfully twirled Snape in the air a few times, giving him the fluid movement of a ballerina. After his anger had abated, he regarded Snape saying, “Snivellus, now you’re really the diversionary tactic. Take that, you slimy, greasy-haired bastard!” He dropped Snape with the last word of his rant. As he turned to walk away, Lily Evans thrust the door of her compartment open and glowered menacingly at James…