After the Dumbledore released me from his office, I stumbled around the hallways, vaguely aware of what was happening around me. I knew that I could not be contained. His office had confined me. I need space, freedom, air. I felt suffocated by the castle walls.
Somehow I managed to get out of the castle, and I headed towards the forest. Once I reached the trees, I fell, stumbling over a root. I lay on the ground, breathless, oblivious to anything, everything else. I felt my shoulder being nudged, and I turned slightly to see the scaly face of a Thestral. I collapsed again, no energy to do anything but moan softly. The Thestral took my robes in its mouth, and pulled gently on them. I reached up to it’s face and pulled myself to a standing position again. This seemed to appease the Thestral, and it let go of my robes.
I grasped its mane and somehow got myself onto its back. There I sat, faint from the sudden usage of what little energy I had. I saw students lazing by the lake, walking from Hagrid’s cabin...all of them oblivious to what was going on. I felt nothing, immune to pain, to hurt. No longer would I contain myself in my body, let myself stay inside my safe walls I’d built up. I would let myself soar to the highest mountains, sink to the lowest depths. Nothing would keep me inside.
The Thestral suddenly took off, and flew above the sky. I’m sure any student watching was more than slightly bewildered by the sight of me flying around with no means of support. Just one more thing to add to the already flying rumors.
Rumors. Just what I wanted. More untrue things that would hinder me somehow later. The scar on my head that made people point and stare. The newspaper articles about my wizardliness. About my pain. My pain was not something that should be talked about in the streets.
Neither is it something I should keep inside. That’s when it worsens. Realization seemed to come so easily up here, with the wind in my face. When I yelled at my friends, a rush of joy had come over me, but it was quickly followed by hurt. It wasn’t the way I should’ve told them how I felt. But what could I do? Telling them was too hard.
I looked down at my hand. ‘I must not tell lies’ was still emblazoned on it, and I recalled anger. Anger at the injustice around me. Anger at myself. Why did I fall for a trick, from a house-elf, no less? I was the cause of death. My parents. Cedric. Sirius.
Guilt swamped me. My head was overwhelmed with memories of them. Or what little I knew of them. But over all of that were the faces of Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Luna, and Neville, those that I had saved. To have saved them was something that I could carry within me, a light to guide my way. There was little I could do about the past, but I could let it be a guide for my future.
We swooped and cartwheeled all over the grounds, and I felt my troubles vanish in those moments. I knew, oh I knew, they would come back, but couldn’t I celebrate until they did?
The grounds vanished when it went through the clouds, and the Thestral dove back down through the clouds, almost alighting on the ground but pulling up quickly. I was reminded of my first ride on a broom. How long ago that was. Back when everything was so simple. I could hate Snape because I knew nothing about him. I could be easy friends with Ron, because we had no troubles. I could be enemies with Malfoy without sympathy for him. But all that was over now. I knew the cruelty Snape endured, the amazingly helpful things he’d done at no benefit to himself. Ron and I had been through arguments and pain now, and Hermione was now one of our closest friends. And Malfoy. His father was a cruel man, and Malfoy had no opportunity to be anything else.
A rush of thankfulness came at me. I had had parents that loved me. I had friends who cared deeply for me. I had so many guiding adults to help me on my way. And I had faith. I had faith that something would come out of this. Something good.
I leaned forward, feeling the air rush through my hair, feeling the speed increase. I felt a thrill run through me, and everything seemed clear in that moment. Just live in one moment, no matter what comes next, you’ll have had that one enjoyable moment beforehand. I remembered hearing Aunt Petunia’s favorite song one day. It had surprised me that she enjoyed it, knowing her, but it was a pretty song.
‘Let the moment go...
Don't forget it for a moment, though.’
I shouldn’t hold on to this ride, try to let it go on forever. I should instead get off the Thestral and get on with my life, keeping these conclusions in my mind at all times, to help me get on with my life, because that’s what I had to do. Live.
Vita non est vivere sed valere vita est – Life is more than merely staying alive. To live without only thinking of survival, but to think of others. That would be a wonderful thing. Instead of focusing on impending fights between Voldemort, I should think of how to make life better for the others I encountered. That should be the goal I should try to keep in front of me.
I rubbed the Thestral’s neck gently and sighed. As if it were a sign, the Thestral began to turn back towards the castle.
We dove swiftly towards the ground, landing lightly on the grass, and I toppled off. The Thestral ran back to the forest, as if it had only come out to give me a simple moment of pleasure, and all the stunning . I lay, panting slightly on the ground, ready for whatever came next.