Not Another Mary Sue Fic! Act One
Scene 1: Platform 9¾
[The platform is busy and the train is in the station. The NARRATOR stands in the foreground, looking troubled. INFINITY and her parents enter.]
Infinity: Oh I feel so angsty! Why, my dear parents, do you wish me to go to this school? You really want to get rid of me, don’t you! You hate me! Sob! Ever since we moved to England from New York! Sob! Sniffle!
Dad: Stop snivelling! Of course we hate you! Now get sorted into Slytherin or we’ll disown you!
Mum: Yeah, what with us being Death Eaters and everything, just to add to your angsty past! Now we’re going to spend your inheritance money! Ciao!
[Parents exit.]
Infinity: Gee, Kaleidoscope! I’m a new girl here! What if I never fit in?
Narrator: Infinity Caressa Weronika Xavika Babe wasn’t your average exchange-student Mary Sue. Well, actually she is, but I’ve got to keep to this script or I don’t get paid! [Looks shifty.] Anyway, she had a pet lemur with green and purple spots called Kaleidoscope. Kaleidoscope was her bestest best friend because no-one else wanted to be friends with dear, wonderful, sexy Infinity. They didn’t want to catch nits off her… I MEAN they couldn’t see her true, wonderful, kind, loving, adjective-rich personality! Right, has everyone brought their sick bags? Good, now let’s continue…
[HARRY, RON and HERMIONE enter, looking confused.]
Ron: Hey Harry, I thought we were going to go hunting for Horcruxes!
Harry: So did I, but the author dragged me back to star in this cheap Mary Sue parody!
Infinity: Look Kaleidoscope, he’s so hot!
Audience: Groan!
Infinity: There’s no way he’ll go on a hot date with me! I’m so ugly!
Narrator: Infinity had long, blonde, golden hair curled in perfect ringlets. Her icy, azure eyes shone like diamonds against her permanent St Tropez tan. Her plump red lips and her long black eyelashes framed her delicate face. No man could resist her! Oh, and she had hypnotic powers too.
[Whistle blows.]
Infinity: C’mon Kaleidoscope! We mustn’t be late! I need lots of time to be angsty.
Scene 2: The Hufflepuff’s carriage
[ERNIE, HANNAH, SUSAN and JUSTIN are relaxing. Enter INFINITY.]
Infinity: Excuse me, but can I chill with you?
Susan: No.
Infinity: [Whining] But why? Is it because I’m different? Is it because I’m American? Is it because my parents are Death Eaters? Or is it because I’m so sexy you don’t want me to steal your boyfriends? Or maybe it’s because-
[ERNIE pulls out a large machine gun, and pumps lead into INFINITY. She drops dead.]
Audience: HURRAY!
[INFINITY gets up, unscathed.]
Audience: BOO!
Infinity: Nice try, Ernie!
Ernie: How did she know my name?!
Infinity: With my mind reading powers.
Narrator: She’s a Sue. What do you expect?
Hannah: [Pulls out a pocket talisman] Get back, you evil creature! I have the only existing Mary Sue deflecting amulet with me! Now leave my friends alone!
Infinity: Nobody loves me! Oh the angst!
[Exits]
Justin: Hey! How come I didn’t get any lines?
Susan: Don’t look at me; I only got to say ‘No’.
Scene 3: The Sorting Ceremony
[It’s the Great Hall. The First years are bundled in one corner with INFINITY, who has Kaleidoscope on her shoulder.]
McGonagall: Andrews, Thomas.
Hat: Hufflepuff!
McGonagall: Arrow-Smith, Jane.
Hat: Gryffindor!
McGonagall: Babe, Infinity.
Hat: MARY SUE! CIRCUIT OVERLOAD! MELTING… MELTING… HELP!
[HAT becomes a pile of goo on the floor.]
Infinity: My hair!
McGonagall: Look what you’ve done now, Sue! You’ve melted the Sorting Hat! Your parents will hear from this, along with a large insurance bill!
Infinity: Sob! I’m so misunderstood!
Narrator: Infinity was now faced with a choice. She could now choose what house to belong to.
Infinity: What am I going to do, Kaleidoscope? Will I obey my oh-so-evil parents’ wishes and join Slytherin? Or will I become a rebellious Sue and join Gryffindor?
First year: Hurry up! Some of us need to get sorted!
Infinity: I choose… GRYFFINDOR!
Audience: Surprise surprise.
[SNAPE stands up with a piece of paper in his hand. He waves it frantically.]
Snape: I’ve received a letter from your parents! Get back on that stool and choose Slytherin NOW!
Audience: Ooo… OOC!Snape.
Infinity: Don’t go there girlfriend!
[All on stage except NARRATOR burst into laughter.]
Narrator: Oh dear, our Sue’s just had an ego boost. I’ll get the stun gun.
Infinity: Slytherin is evil, and as a Mary Sue, I hate evil! Anyway, I’ll never be able to make out with Harry or Ron if I’m not in Gryffindor. I don’t want to be like my parents. I want to be rebellious! I AM A REBELLIOUS SUE!
Narrator: Don’t worry! I’ve got the horse tranquilizers!
[NARRATOR fires a dart at INFINITY. She roars and pushes it off, but then falls asleep.]
Audience: HURRAY!
Infinity: I’ll… be… back…
End of Act One.