Not Another Mary Sue Fic! Act Two
Scene 1 – The Headmaster’s office
Narrator: After the sorting, there was a large feast in which Infinity gorged – I mean daintily nibbled – through half the food on the table. Naturally, she didn’t put on a single pound.
Infinity: It’s so tough being so beautiful!
Narrator: I’m sure it is. Anyway, we rejoin our sue as she waits with McGonagall in the Headmaster’s office.
[Enter INFINITY, KALEIDOSCOPE and PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL.]
McGonagall: Now you stay here and wait until the Headmaster arrives.
Audience member: But I thought Dumbledore was dead!
Narrator: He was, but thanks to a large cheque to JK Rowling, he’s alive and well.
[Enter DUMBLEDORE.]
Dumbledore: Good evening and welcome back to Hogwarts!
Audience: HURRAY!
McGonagall: Albus! You have a maggot in your hair.
Dumbledore: No, it’s a worm. I had to escape out of the coffin using only my ninja-blasting beard!
[Dumbledore’s Beard shoots off his chin and starts dancing to ‘Eye of the Tiger’.]
Audience: WHAT?!
Narrator: ‘Dumbledore’s Ninja-blasting Beard’ is available in silver, orange, green and glittery pink. Buy two-for-one at Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes today! While stocks last…
McGonagall: Albus, please put that dancing beard back on your chin and let’s deal with the matter in hand. [MCGONAGALL points to INFINITY.]
Dumbledore: Ah yes, of course! [DUMBLEDORE puts the beard back on.] Now sit down, Infinity, I have some bad news for you.
Infinity: They don’t have tanning salons at Hogwarts? Oh no! The angst!
Dumbledore: Well… not quite… You must understand. You are no ordinary witch.
Narrator: You wouldn’t have thought it, you know.
Dumbledore: You are… [DUMBLEDORE pulls out a list from the inside of his robe.] Countess of Zehimba, Lady of the Lake, Princess of the New Kingdom, Lordess of the Toasters, Queen of Atlantis, Leader of the Sorceress Alliance, Heir to Ravenclaw, Descendant of Gryffindor, Empress of wandless magic, Communicator of Animals, Daughter of Zeus, the Tsar of New Mexico…
Narrator: This may take a while. [NARRATOR opens a newspaper.] Oh wow, they’re building another bridge on the River Thames.
[Several hours later.]
Dumbledore: …The next Queen of England, the Twenty-first Century Rapunzel and the Party Goddess of Aiya Napa.
Infinity: Oh my God! That is so awesome! Is that it?
McGonagall: Insolent child.
Dumbledore: No Infinity, by special request from my local hardware store in your battle to defeat Lord Voldemort –
Infinity: Totally! Evil sucks.
Dumbledore: Yes, anyway, they want you to have this, what with you being royalty and all.
[A curtain is pulled back to reveal a forklift truck.]
Audience: WHAT?!
Narrator: We tried to get a digger, but they ran out.
Infinity: Gee whiz! I’ve always wanted a forklift truck.
Dumbledore: It’ll come in handy later. [Coughs loudly.] Major plot point!
Audience: Yawn.
Narrator: Oh great, time for a random scene change…
Scene 2 – The Gryffindor Common room
[All the Gryffindors are wandering around aimlessly.]
Harry: Was there any point in the last scene?
Hermione: Of course, Harry. Didn’t you see the major forklift truck plot point?
Harry: Yeah, but… oh never mind, where’s Ginny?
Ron: Applying her make-up apparently.
Hermione: Make-up? Since when was Ginny ever interested in wearing make-up?
Ron: Dunno, but she’s been acting strange since that new girl arrived.
Harry: Look, there she is now.
[Enter INFINITY.]
[Everyone stares at INFINITY.]
Infinity: What are you all staring at? Is it my pet lemur?
Seamus: I love you Infinity!
Dean: Marry me!
Colin Creevey: I want you to have my babies!
Infinity: Oh my God, how do I say this…? NO! There is only one man who lies in my heart.
Dean: Hang on; she’s another bloody Mary Sue.
Seamus: Kill her!
[A large mob forms around INFINITY.]
Infinity: Er… guys I didn’t mean it… you’re all good looking in an ugly sort of way…
Narrator: Infinity was in a bit of a pickle. Sadly, our fun was ruined by none other than Harry himself.
[HARRY runs into the mob and runs out carrying INFINITY.]
Ron: Harry? What did you do that for?
Harry: I – I don’t know…
Hermione: Ron, can I talk to you for a minute?
Ron: Uh? Oh, yeah.
[HERMIONE pulls RON aside.]
Hermione: Ron, we have to do something soon, before – Ron, pay attention!
Ron: But she’s so pretty… and Harry gets all the girls… maybe I should –
Hermione [annoyed]: Didn’t you listen last year in Defence against the Dark Arts? She’s a Mary Sue! She was created by jealous and malicious fangirls who wish to insert themselves into Hogwarts and disrupt the harmony of the fandom!
Ron: Does it turn everyone out of character as well?
Hermione: Well… yes it does, how…
Narrator: Sadly, Hermione couldn’t finish her sentence due to a loud shriek from Infinity. She fell to the ground with an elegant flop, leaving Harry looking flabbergast.
Audience Member: Harry killed the Sue!
Audience: HURRAY!
Harry: I didn’t kill her, I swear…
Narrator: Harry’s right, we can’t kill off the main character at chapter two! We all had to sign a contract saying so. This isn’t Yu Yu Hakusho, you know! Ha ha ha! [Silence, since no one got the joke.] Oh fine then!
[INFINITY mumbles and sits up.]
Infinity: Oh Harry! It was so horrible! I had another angsty vision… HOLD ME!
[INFINITY throws herself at HARRY, who stands there looking bewildered.]
Harry: Ah, help!
Infinity: I saw… Lord Voldemort returning to Hogwarts!
All: Gasp!
Infinity: And I saw myself battling him. Then I saw that I’d forgotten to straighten my hair! It was horrific!
Ron [observing the scene]: This is bad! Hermione, do something!
Hermione: Like what? Buy the author a book on character development?
Ron: No, like praising her off Harry and throwing her off Gryffindor Tower!
Hermione: Ron! We can’t do that.
Ron: What can we do then?
[HERMIONE pauses.]
Hermione: We can go to the Library!
[HERMIONE grabs RON’s arm and drags him towards the Portrait Hole.]
Ron: That’s your answer for everything!
[They both exit.]
Harry: Ron, Hermione, where are you going? Get her off me!
Narrator: As Act Two draws to a close, we wonder many things. Will Infinity capture Harry’s heart? Will Ron and Hermione get cosy in the Library?
Ron and Hermione [offstage]: NO!
Shippers: Darn it!
Narrator: And will my pills come through the post in time before I completely lose it? Find out next time folks! [NARRATOR throws the script aside.] Who writes this crap?
End of Act Two
Not Another Mary Sue Fic! by Air Elemental
Chapter Notes: It took a good few months, but I finally finished Chapter Two. I'd like to thank all readers for being so patient with me!