Not Another Mary Sue Fic! Act Three
Scene 1 – The Library
Narrator: Ron and Hermione stayed up all night hunting through various books attempting to find a way to banish Infinity. Three-hundred volumes and seven draughts of caffeine potions later, things weren’t looking so good…
[RON and HERMIONE are sitting on encyclopaedias and rifling through a large pile of books. It is very dark.]
Ron: Hermione, it’s four in the morning and the library closed five hours ago. Why are we still here?
Hermione: Because, Ron, that Mary Sue could have infected all of Gryffindor Tower by tomorrow morning. It’s vital we find a banishing spell as soon as possible!
Ron: Well, why couldn’t you have done it on your own? I’m exhausted!
[HERMIONE snaps the book shut.]
Hermione: Do you want to save Harry or not?
Ron: Of course I do!
Hermione: Then stop complaining and help me look!
[RON yawns loudly and stands up, clearly tired.]
Narrator: Poor Ron wasn’t used to long nights, which is odd, really, considering how many overnight escapades he’s had with Harry.
Ron: Look, can we cut to the point? It’s boring watching Hermione read for five hours!
Audience: Zzzz…
Narrator: You’re right. [NARRATOR skips several pages of the script.] Ahem, then by some miracle, Hermione found exactly what she was looking for!
Hermione: Ron! I found it! The cure for Self-Inserts!
Audience: Huh… oh, HURRAY!
Ron: At last! Where was it?
Hermione: In the book you were sitting on.
Ron: You’re joking.
Hermione: Of all the books in the library, Ron, you had to go and sit on that one didn’t you? Anyway, the potion’s simple enough. The book says it’ll take six-to-eight weeks to brew.
Ron: We can’t wait that long, Hermione! Ginny’s started curling her hair!
Hermione: I know, Ron, I know. We can shorten it to three weeks if we include a lock of her hair and some of her ‘emo-tears’.
Ron: Emo-what?
Hermione: That’s what it says. The other ingredients we can get from Snape’s stores.
Ron: Brilliant! Now, let’s go back to bed!
Hermione: No you’re not! You’re helping me carry the books off-stage in preparation for the next scene! Come on.
[RON groans, grabs an armful off books and exits.]
Scene 2 – The corridors of Hogwarts
[Students are mulling around as they rush to lessons. INFINITY is walking arm-in-arm with a bemused HARRY.]
Narrator: It was Monday morning and the students were heading out of the Great Hall to their first lesson of the day. While everyone else was wearing their boring, drab robes, Infinity had special permission to wear her own clothes.
Infinity: Dumbly says I shouldn’t be constricted by cheap fabric.
Audience: Dumbly?!
Narrator: Infinity was wearing a strapless hot pink top with blue and orange strips that brought out her newly dyed red-with-purple streaks hair. Her naturally smooth armpits smelt of sweet roses and she carried an aroma of honey and pearl. Cupped around her slender waist was a leather mini-skirt which was short enough to show off her beautiful, creamy legs but long enough to be decent. Tenderly supporting her feet were the latest pair off –
[MALFOY storms onstage.]
Malfoy: Stuff this! I don’t care if she’s wearing a coat of Dodo feathers! It’s my bit now.
Narrator: Ahem, suddenly, Draco Malfoy strode down the corridor towards Harry.
Malfoy: What’s this Potter? Another obsessive has got her claws into you? Hah! You’re so feeble, going for tarts like that that show a bit of leg… slender legs… beautiful skin… gorgeous eyes… hey sexy, dump Potty-brain and come with me!
Narrator: Time of resistance: five seconds.
Infinity: Gee Draco, I’d love to, but Harry’s the one for me!
Harry: Er, no actually, you can go with him. [HARRY tries to worm away from INFINITY.] I don’t mind!
Infinity: No way, Harry! [She clamps onto his arm again.] You’re my soul mate! My one true love! It was totally written in the stars!
Harry: What are you doing back here anyway, Malfoy? Was Voldemort too big for you?
Malfoy: Shut your mouth, Potter. The Dark Lord sent me here to keep an eye on Infinity Babe and check that she wasn’t one of his long lost daughters like the last batch were, not that I’m meant to tell you that anyway.
Infinity: Oh Harry, I sense some sort of unresolved sexual tension between you and Draco. Please say it isn’t so!
Harry: Yes, it – WHAT?!
Malfoy: Forget this weirdo Infinity; he obviously doesn’t like women, so come with me.
Sirius [offstage]: Hey, you say it like it’s a bad thing!
Malfoy: I never said it was! Anyway, you can’t talk, you’re dead!
Infinity: I know! Let’s solve this potentially messy love triangle by having a romantic threesome!
Harry: NO!
Malfoy: Come on Potter, it’ll be fun!
Narrator: Sadly, Malfoy’s sudden change of attitude was too much for Harry; his brain unable to keep up with the rapidly changing characterisation. With one last thought towards his absent friends Ron and Hermione, he collapsed on the ground.
[HARRY collapses.]
Infinity: Harry! NO!
Malfoy: Oh you’ve done it now Potter.
[JACK SLOPER enters.]
Jack: Oh no, our Quidditch captain! We’ve got a big game tomorrow too! Who will play Seeker now?
Narrator: Ladies and Gentlemen, Jack Sloper!
Audience: Hurray!
Narrator: As the pressure of defeat sank in, Infinity realised that her training from being the youngest girl to play Seeker for the American Nationals were all for this moment.
Infinity: I’ll do it! Anything for my dearest hotcake Harry!
Malfoy: Talking of hotcakes, I’ve just remembered that I left the oven on in the Slytherin common room! I’m off. Anyway Infinity, I didn’t know you were a Gryffindor! You can forget about being with me!
[MALFOY Exits.]
Infinity: Oh no! All this time I’ve been lusting after Harry, but now that you’re gone, I’ve realised that it’s you I’ve loved all along, Draco! But yet I still long for my darling Harry; what must I do? How can I possibly choose? It’ll tear me apart! I’ll –
Harry: Erm, I’ve been unconscious for quite a while now. Someone should take me to the Hospital Wing. Please?
Narrator: Will Infinity triumph in tomorrow’s match? Will Malfoy ever get back in character? And will the author check her canon facts before writing such drivel?
Harry: I’m dying here!
Narrator: To be continued… unfortunately…
End of Act Three
Not Another Mary Sue Fic! by Air Elemental
Chapter Notes: What's this? An update? From me? A big apology to all my readers for taking so long with this. I hope you enjoy the chapter!