Not Another Mary Sue Fic! Act Four
Scene 1 – The Girl’s Dormitory in Gryffindor Tower
Narrator: After an exciting and adrenaline-filled Quidditch match, Infinity returned to the Girl’s Dorms for a quick shower. It had been a tough match with Infinity doing several loop-the-loops, deflecting Bludgers with her portable aura-shield and catching the Snitch in one smooth, effortless swoop. The overall score was 420 – 10 to Gryffindor and Infinity became the school heroine.
Audience Member: Can we see the match, then?
Narrator: No. The author’s too lazy to do a full Quidditch scene. Write it yourself.
Other Audience Member: Uh, will we be seeing the shower scene?
Narrator: I’ll ignore that question, now on with the story.
[Enter INFINITY with a large entourage of female admirers.]
Girl One: That catch was fantastic, Infinity! How did you do it?
Infinity: Oh, my wise old Grandpa once told me that if I used the power of my heart, I could achieve anything. So I thought of my darling Harry and the skill came naturally.
Girl Two: That’s so romantic!
Infinity: It’s one of the only happy memories I have as a child. It was before the family slaughter house tragedy. Sob!
Girls: You poor thing! You’re so brave, Infinity!
[Enter RON and HERMIONE. RON is wearing a blonde wig.]
Ron [furiously]: Why do I have to wear a wig?
Hermione [firmly]: Because, Ron, I happen to be a girl and you aren’t, so you wear the wig. And make your voice a bit higher.
Ron [muttering]: If canon was still working I wouldn’t even be here.
Hermione: I know…
Infinity: Gee, are you guys here to worship me too? Not that I like it, being modest and mildly introverted and all.
Hermione: Oh, no! Not at all. We’re just… getting our things, aren’t we, er, Ronette?
[RON nods his head.]
Infinity: Oh, alright.
Narrator: With her heightened Sue-Senses tingling, Infinity sensed something odd about ‘Ronette’.
Infinity: Hmm, I sense something odd…
Narrator: However, her attention was soon diverted back to her loyal followers.
Girl One: How do you keep your hair so silky soft, Infinity?
Infinity: Huh? Oh, I don’t wash it. It’s naturally like that.
Girls: Wow!
Hermione: Oh for goodness sake! How are we supposed to get close to her if she’s surrounded by a group of swooning air heads?
Ron: I dunno.
[Enter LAVENDER BROWN.]
Lavender: Guess what, everyone! Oliver Wood’s visiting in the common room and he’s taking his shirt off!
Girls: Really? SQUEE!
[Exit girls in a hurry, leaving INFINITY, HERMIONE and RON alone.]
Narrator: Alas, the idea of Oliver Wood stripping robbed Infinity of her precious followers. Alone and broken, she curled up on the floor and began to weep camomile scented tears.
Infinity: Sob! No-one loves me! They were all just users who wanted me for my naturally soft hair!
Ron: Er… there there, Infinity.
Hermione: Ro – er, Ronette, wait!
[RON walks up to INFINITY and pats her on the back.]
Ron: Let me, er, give you this hanky.
Infinity: Oh thank you.
Narrator: Infinity carefully dabbed her tear stained cheeks with the hanky, grateful for the kindness of this strange, masculine girl.
Infinity: Gee, if you were a boy, you’d be pretty hot.
Ron [pleasantly surprised]: Really?
Hermione [feeling threatened]: Yes, well, she’s not a boy, is she.
Infinity [ignoring her]: Hey, I saw someone like you at the Quidditch match today. The Keeper with the red hair…
Ron: Yeah, I – er – know him.
Infinity: Really?
Ron: Yeah, I can introduce you to him if you want. He’s got this incredible body and an amazing sense of humour -
Hermione: AHEM.
Ron [turning to HERMIONE]: What?! Why should only Harry and Draco get the girl in this story? What about me?
Narrator: Luckily for Ron, Hermione’s forthcoming outburst was cut off by –
[There’s a loud crashing sound as a piece of the scenery falls over (a cardboard cut-out of Hermione’s bed, to be precise), revealing a crouching DRACO MALFOY.]
Ron: ARGH! A PEEPING TOM!
Malfoy: Uh-oh.
Hermione [fiercely]: What are you doing behind my bed?
Malfoy: This is your bed, Granger? No wonder it smells.
Ron [drawing his wand]: You take that back, Malfoy!
Infinity: Stop! Don’t fight here!
Malfoy: Why not? Oh yes, I baked you some sugary snacks, Babe.
[MALFOY produces a gift wrapped box and hands it to Infinity.]
Infinity: Oh Draco, that’s so kind of you! Did you come all this way to give it to me in person?
Malfoy: Yeah, and that the Dark Lord asked me to spy on you.
All: Gasp!
Infinity: My arch-enemy himself, Lord V? Spy on me? But why?
Malfoy: Well, he wanted to make extra sure you weren’t another of his long lost daughters. They’ve been queuing up outside the Top Secret Headquarters™ asking for a share in his inheritance. That’s why he’s afraid of death, you see, because he’s worried that when he snuffs it, his mob of daughters with turn the Death Eaters into a pink hairdressing troupe or something.
Narrator: Well I never! Now it all makes sense!
[Enter an extremely confused HARRY.]
Harry: What’s going on? Ron, Malfoy; how did you get into the girl’s dormitories?
Hermione: Harry, thank goodness!
Ron: You’re alive!
Harry: Yes, I’m alive… urgh, and that Mary Sue’s still here.
Infinity: Oh Harry… I love you too!
[INFINITY rushes forward and embraces a squirming HARRY. MALFOY looks on, amused.]
Infinity: Gee, Harry. You seem lumpier than usual.
Ron: Been at the Pumpkin Pasties, Harry?
Harry: No, I haven’t, I’ve been feeling very sick lately. I think it’s the hospital food.
All: Hospital?!
Harry: Yeah, they took me off to St Mungo’s for a check up, something about ‘ridiculously high oestrogen levels’, ‘physically impossible’ and ‘is it a boy or a girl’.
[There is a dramatic pause.]
Narrator [dryly]: How very dramatic.
Hermione [quietly]: Harry… I think you might be pregnant.
Harry: WHAT?!
[RON faints. HERMIONE catches him.]
Hermione: Ron! Ron, wake up!
Malfoy: Is it mine, Potter?
Harry: No. I mean, NO! I’ve never even… you know! I’m not gay!
Narrator: Yeah well, that’s what they said about Dumbledore, then look what happened.
Hermione: Harry, are you sure about this? I – I mean, men don’t usually get pregnant.
Harry: I KNOW THAT, HERMIONE!
Narrator: These earth-shattering revelations were too much for Infinity. Sobbing loudly, she ran out of the dormitories and out of sight.
Infinity: Sob! How could you cheat on me, Harry! And I thought I was your one true love!
Malfoy: Hah! You’ve done it now, Potter.
Harry: You can shut up, Malfoy. I know all about you and Blaise Zabini.
[MALFOY shuts up.]
Scene 2 – Dumbledore’s Office
[INFINITY is sitting on the desk, crying in an angsty, melodramatic fashion. Around her, various portraits look around nervously, unsure what to do.]
Narrator: Somehow, Infinity managed to get into the Dumbledore’s Office, where she sat for many hours listening to her fragile heart weep crimson tears at Harry’s betrayal. Never again would she let herself fall in love so easily, for love was a cruel, cruel emotion that tore apart the hearts of those foolish enough to experience it. With this idea in mind, Infinity walked over to Dumbledore’s private piano (that was kept in his bottom draw) and began to play. It was a beautiful, haunting tune, and Infinity began to sing…
Infinity: I’m so tired of being here…
Audience: No! No!
Infinity: …Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone…
Audience: Stop! Stop this torture!
Narrator [distressed]: I can’t!
Infinity: These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Enter DUMBLEDORE.]
Audience: Hurray!
Narrator [relieved]: At last! Erm, I mean, Dumbledore enters, lured in by Infinity’s smooth, mellow voice.
Dumbledore: Infinity, is there something you wish to discuss with me?
Infinity: Oh Dumbly! I feel ever-so angsty! Harry’s having a baby, but I love him! Sob! Wail! He must be in love with someone else! Oh the horrible pain of unrequited love, how I cradle thee!
Dumbledore: Don’t worry, Infinity. We’re organising a masked ball at Halloween and I guarantee that all the nasty emotional subplots will be sorted out there. They often are in these sorts of things.
Infinity: Really, Dumbly?
Dumbledore [smiling]: Yes, really.
[INFINITY rushes forward and hugs DUMBLEDORE.]
Audience: Awww…
Narrator: Oh no, she’s winning you over!
[AUDIENCE is instantly silent.]
Narrator: Ahem, anyway, will Harry’s pregnancy go ahead without a hitch? Will the ball really solve everything? And where has Kaleidoscope the Lemur been for the last three chapters?
Audience member: Who cares?
Narrator: Who cares indeed? Find out in the final chapter of Not Another Mary Sue Fic! Yes, the last one! The last one! Drinks on me!
End of Act Four
Not Another Mary Sue Fic! by Air Elemental
Chapter Notes: To the Mods: This fic is written in script format for parody reasons, not because I don't know the meaning of the word 'prose'. If script-fics aren't allowed on the site anymore, please tell me!
To the readers: Thanks for all the encouraging reviews! I hope you enjoy the chapter!
The song Infinity sings towards the end are lyrics from 'My Immortal' by Evanescence. I most certainly didn't write them and claim no credit for them!