Lily was restless. She didn’t know why, but she just couldn’t seem to sit still. She kept shifting her position in her favourite, should-have-been-comfortable armchair by the roaring Gryffindor fire. Snow was falling in big thick flakes outside in the dark, and Lily had come down after dinner with her books, expecting to get some homework done. It was due after the Christmas holidays, so she wasn’t in a big rush to finish, but she still would like to have at least something done. Alice, being friendly as usual was sitting across the table from Lily. She had much to do before the holidays and was busily and quietly doing so. Lily was somewhat distracted”though she did not want to acknowledge it”by a certain raven-haired Head Boy laughing with his friends from across the common room. Lily watched the Marauders absently, twirling her unoccupied quill between two fingers. James, still smirking at Remus’ comment, caught her eye. Lily’s heartbeat quickened. Why did he always make her heart race like that? James said something to his friends who all glanced quickly in Lily’s direction, all smiling slightly. James rose from his seat and strode over to Lily and Alice’s table.
“Evening, ladies,” James grinned, tipping an imaginary hat to them.
“Hi, James,” said Lily warmly, while Alice briefly said, “Hi,” without halting her furious scribbling.
“Are you busy, Lily?” James asked, eyeing her barely-started Transfiguration essay.
“Not really,” Lily admitted.
“Would you care to take a walk, then?” asked James casually.
Lily glanced quickly at Alice, whose head had shot up as soon as James had asked. Alice smiled a little at her and nodded her head ever so slightly, silently giving Lily her support and encouragement, then went back to her Potions. Lily smiled and shut her books. “Sure,” she told James, pushing out her chair and rising. He offered her his arm and she accepted it, laughing and blushing. As they exited the common room, Lily could see Remus, Sirius and Peter all giving James the thumbs up and smirks and winks. Lily and James both shook their heads, Lily muttering, “So weird,” while James smiled.
They walked in a comfortable silence. Lily found herself becoming increasingly relaxed around James. He was such an entertaining and friendly person to be around that no matter how hard she tried, she could not keep herself from opening up to him.
“So…what’s on your mind tonight, James?” Lily asked him after a few moments.
“Well…” he hesitated, and then went on a rampage about Potions class and Professor Slughorn. He was apparently having trouble saying what he wanted to say, because Lily had found that James often rambled when he got a bit nervous. What was he trying to say? Lily wondered. She decided to just let him babble, knowing that he would eventually get to the point. He’s so amusing when he chatters, Lily mused, watching him.
James finally paused to take a breath. Lily quirked an eyebrow at him. James gathered his wits and said, “What I meant to say was…do you like me at all, Lily?”
Her heart fluttered. The question took Lily completely by surprise.
“Of course I like you!” she exclaimed, stalling. “We’re friends now, James. And who couldn’t like you? Other than Severus,” she added.
He looked down his glasses at her and Lily felt as if he could see right through her.
“I mean…really like me. As more than a friend? His eyes remained steadily focused on her eyes, waiting for her answer.
Lily tried to keep her face as expressionless as possible while a major battle waged in her mind. James’ question terrified her. Something deep within her stirred at his words, but she repressed it. Her heart thudded again. There was no way she could answer without lying to him or giving herself up. Lily had an inkling of her true desires, but admitting her feelings for James, especially to herself, would just be a one-way ticket for insufferable pain, and she would not let that happen”to either of them. Lily did the only thing she could do.
“Pass,” she said finally, not daring to meet his eyes.
“What?” James asked, astonished. Was this a confirmation of his suspicions? Did this really mean…?
“I pass. You win. Another question, please.” And please let it be a safe one, she prayed.
James looked slightly dumbfounded. “You think this is”Fine. What happened to you, Lily?”
“What d’you mean?” Lily asked quickly.
“Why did you suddenly stop hanging around with your friends? Why did you push away everyone who ever cared for you? Why won’t you let anyone, including me, get close to you? Answer that, Lily.” James’ voice rose as he began to get angry.
Lily hesitated, afraid to answer his torrent of questions. “I-”she began.
James waited impatiently for her to continue.
“I don’t want to cause anyone any pain.” Lily said slowly.
“You don’t think that you haven’t caused anyone pain yet, Lily?” James asked incredulously. “What about Alice? Or Dorcas? Or-”
“I needed to distance myself, James!” Lily interrupted angrily, slightly panicked. “I had to get away from everyone, to stop feeling!”
“Why, Lily? Why did you need to do any of that?”
“It’s complicated,” Lily whispered.
James suddenly realized that he had been nearly yelling at Lily and calmed down a bit. “I’m sorry, Lily,” he said, his voice low. “I didn’t mean to shout at you like that.”
“It’s alright.” Her voice was still a whisper. “I never knew you felt that way”that strongly.”
“Now you do.”
Lily stood still. The “game” wasn’t over. It was her turn. Now was the perfect time to find out the Truth…
“D’you…d’you like me-in the way you described before?” she asked, waiting on bated breath for his answer. She didn’t have long to wait.
“Yes.” He said simply, and looked at her in such a way that Lily felt herself blush from the roots of her hair. James grinned widely, watching her endearing blush creep over her face. His grin faded to a small smile as he moved closer to her, inches away. His hypnotizing eyes locked purposefully onto Lily’s, and her breath caught in her throat as he put his hands on her upper arms. James was much too close to her. She looked up at him, mouth barely open, hardly daring to breathe. Lily could see how his long eyelashes cast shadows under his eyes, how his beautiful hazel eyes were flecked with gold-brown and sparkling in the dim light of the torches in the corridor. She could even see a faint scar on his left cheek. He was drawing ever nearer. It was almost as if…
Lily froze. James was going to kiss her! No, no, no! She could not, she must get away! James’ lovely red lips were mere centimetres from her own when she dashed away from him down the corridor. Right, up the stairs, left around a corner, up another flight of stairs. He was calling after her. Lily didn’t look back but kept running. She had no hiding place in mind and suddenly found herself at the base of the stairs to the Astronomy Tower. She pelted up the stairs, her tiring legs carrying her upward. Once in the Tower, she leaned against the wall, panting heavily and trying to control her racing heart.
What had she been thinking? She had almost let James kiss her! Moreover, she finally admitted to herself, she had wanted to so badly! She had dreamt of that moment for over a year now. (Dreamt! She snorted. Speaking of cursed, bloody dreams…) Yes, she was at last, at last admitting the thought she had suppressed and denied for so long. She, Lily Charlotte Evans, enormously fancied James Isacc Potter.
Lily froze once more. She thought that she had lost James a few floors ago, but she now heard his footsteps on the stairs. Lily looked around wildly. There was no place to go. Hiding was futile. He knew she was in the Tower. Why hadn’t she chosen a better place to escape? All she could do was stay and wait.
She watched as James came into sight, holding his lit wand in front of him and tucking a piece of white, parchment-looking stuff into his robes. Lily’s almost normal heartbeat quickened again as he climbed the staircase. In spite of herself, Lily admired him. He was so beautiful…No, Lily, you mustn’t think like that. It isn’t safe.
“Lily?” James enquired softly, hesitantly approaching her. “Are-are you alright?” His wand was casting leaping shadows everywhere.
“James, I-I don’t think…I can’t-we can’t go on like this.”
“Like what?”
“Like”I can’t see you-or talk to you-or be around you any longer. We-we cannot be together at all. Not even as friends.”
“But-why?” James looked stunned. “What did I do? Oh, Lily, I’m sorry I tried to kiss you, I just-”
“No, it’s not that,” she hesitated. Could she tell him about The Dream? No, of course not. “I can’t tell you, I can’t explain it. I don’t think you’d understand.”
“Try me.” James said firmly.
When Lily fell silent, James wrongly took her debating silence as a refusal. “I don’t think you understand, Lily!” he burst out. “We’ve come so close! I have gotten to know you, really know you, and no matter how hard you try and ‘distance yourself’, I will always care about you. Nothing you say can change that. You can tell me whatever it is you need to say so I can apologize.”
Lily slid down the stone wall as her knees weakened, stifling a laugh. As if he had done anything! She buried her head in her arms. And he still didn’t understand. This had changed her entire life, and not for the better. She was constantly counting down the days, living in fear, worrying, losing sleep. She did not want James to go through what she had. “I can’t burden you with this, James.” Her voice was muffled, her face still buried in her arms. “It’s not exactly light and fluffy. It’s better for both of us if you remain ignorant of my secret.”
“Lily,” came James’ voice from above her. He was kneeling next to her on the cold stone floor. He set a hand on her arm, causing her to raise her head. James reached over and gently swept her hair out of her face, sending pleasant shivers down Lily’s spine. “Please tell me what’s wrong. I’m here for you. Whatever you need. I won’t-can’t-think any less of you. No Dark secret will do that, I promise.” James’ voice was so soft, his hazel eyes so pleading that Lily nearly lost her resolve. When James saw Lily waver, he put on his best puppydog face. Lily felt she had no choice now.
“Okay, okay, I’ll tell you!” Lily half-laughed. “Just please don’t look at me like that. And James,” she added, going solemn. “Just remember that there’s no going back.”
“I understand.” He looked at her expectantly.
Lily rose suddenly, leaving James on the floor. She looked up at the night sky and breathed in the cold air. It was no longer snowing. The stars twinkled brilliantly under a sliver of a moon. She wanted so desperately for James to know her secret, to let him share some of her pain, but her conscience wouldn’t let her burden him with her secret. She didn’t know what to do. He was there, expecting her promised response, and running away again”which is what she felt like doing”was absolutely childish. She heard a shuffling sound behind her, and before she could turn around, she felt James’ arms pull her backwards into him.
“I’ve got you now, Lilyflower,” came James’ soft, teasing voice. Lily laughed as his breath tickled her ear and neck. Back when his letters were silly and carefree, “Lilyflower” was how he’d address her. That seemed so long ago…
“I’m not letting you go until you tell me what’s troubling you,” he said, tightening his grip.
“James,” Lily half-laughed as she tried weakly to escape James’ grasp.
He turned her around suddenly to face him. “I want you to know, Lily,” his face had such an expression that Lily had never seen before. “You can try to have nothing to do with me, but just by knowing you, I’m already involved. By choice, even. So there’s no getting rid of me. I’m too attached to you now, Lily. I’ve never been this serious about anything in my entire life.”
Lily’s heart was melting. He was completely serious she knew. He had to be told.
“I-” she started, her voice hoarse, then stopped and cleared her throat. Alright, James, I’m ready to tell you.” And we’ll see then how much you’re willing to stay involved. Now where to begin?
Lily gently broke free of James’ grasp, promising, “I won’t go anywhere, I swear.” She fidgeted with the sleeves of her robes, trying not to shiver. James did some fancy swirling with his wand and conjured two steaming mugs of butterbeer, handing one to Lily. She thanked him, but wasn’t distracted.
“When I got my letter inviting me to attend Hogwarts,” Lily began, “my parents were thrilled, absolutely ecstatic. My sister, Petunia wasn’t. She was jealous that I’m a witch and she’s not. But it never seemed as if she hated me. I mean, we got along well enough but she won’t talk about anything unnatural…” Lily glanced at James. He nodded, showing that he was listening, but his brow was wrinkled.
“And then, last winter, something happened. It changed my relationship with Petunia forever. I found out that…” Lily hesitated for a second, preparing to brace herself for James’ reaction, then took a deep breath.
“I’m a Première Seer, James.”
“A-what?” he asked carefully.
“A One-Time Seer. I’ve only ever Seen and will ever See one happening that is to come, though it replays itself over and over in my dreams.”
James looked into Lily’s pale, beautiful freckled face and asked, with a feeling of deepest dread, “What did you See?”
“My death.”
James felt his heart stop. His Lily? Predict her own death? It wasn’t possible, Divination wasn’t possible, wasn’t real.
“Are you-you’re sure of this?” James asked mildly, not wanting to arouse her anger. Lily nodded, looking at him worriedly. “You believe me, don’t you?” she asked anxiously. “You don’t think I’m just mental…?”
“No, of course not,” James said firmly. “You’re not mental…it’s just…hard to digest…” James broke off, deep in thought. “Do you remember giving this prophecy?” he asked suddenly.
“No,” she shook her head.
“Then how…?”
“Petunia was the only one in the room when I”when it happened.”
“So how can you be sure that this really did happen? Maybe your sister was just winding you up-”
Lily turned away from him and stared up at the moon, pain and discomfort written all over her face.
“Lily, how do you know?” James persisted, getting in front of her so she was forced to face him.
“I’ve researched everything, James, everything matches up. The dreams sometimes take place. They’re not another prediction, just a continuation of the prophecy.” She wouldn’t look at him. Lily was avoiding the question.
“How do you know, Lily?” James asked again.
Lily didn’t answer this time, but instead pulled a tattered, folded piece of parchment from the pocket of her robes and handed it to James, who rather snapped it out of her hand, annoyed that he hadn’t been answered. His irritation vanished, however, as he read the words on the parchment.
THE DEATH OF LILY EVANS LOOMS EVER CLOSER…
BETRAYED BY THE COWARD IN LION’S DRESS,
SHE AND HER LOVE WILL TRIUMPH
BUT HER LIGHT WILL BE LOST WITH HER FOREVER.
LILY MUST DIE…
Under these words was a date: 31 October 1981.
James just stared at the parchment, pale-faced, reeling from what he had just read. “Where did you get this?” he asked her, his voice no more than a whisper.
“I wrote it down,” Lily said, her voice equally as quiet. “Petunia told me.”
“I thought you said that she refused to talk about it?”
“She wouldn’t talk about it,” said Lily hollowly. “I-I used Veritaserum.”
James stared at Lily.
“The use of Veritaserum is strictly controlled by the Ministry, Lily,” he said slowly, giving her a hard look. “Not to mention extremely difficult to brew-”
“I know, James, I know!” she cried. “But I was desperate, James! I needed to know why my only sister suddenly started to hate me with a passion! She wouldn’t speak to me, wouldn’t look at me. She acted as if she couldn’t tolerate the mere presence of me. I had to know why. It was eating me alive, not knowing. Had I said anything wrong? Had something happened? Maybe it would have been better if I hadn’t found out. I’ve done all the research,” Lily said again, somewhat desperately. James let her carry on with her speech, knowing that it would do her good. She needed someone to finally confide in, and he was more than willing. “Première Seers are more common than normal Seers. But prophecies have ruined lives. People have tried so hard to fulfil them, or the other way around.” She fell silent, her eyes downcast, lower lip trembling.
“You know what this means, don’t you?” James questioned. Lily raised her head, shaking her head at him. “We’ve got to make the most of our time together. Three years isn’t a lot of time.”
Lily stared at James as if she’d never seem him before. He had a brain somewhere in his head, she knew; he wasn’t stupid. So why did he not understand? She had spend at least an hour trying to explain why they could not have a relationship, but James still wasn’t comprehending.
“James,” she said slowly.
“No, Lily,” he said firmly. “I know what you’re going to say. You’re stubborn, Lily, but so am I. No prophecy is going to get in our way.”
“I’m going to die, James!” Lily choked out. “I’m going to be killed painfully! There’s no way to tell who will die with me! There’s someone else in my dream, but I don’t know whom. I could lead you to your death!”
“Killed?”
“Yes!”
“How do you know this?”
Lily let out an exasperated noise that resembled a cat being strangled. “I Saw it! I dream of it all the time! I told you that!”
“But you never said you’d be murdered,” James said doubtfully. “You’re sure these aren’t just dreams? Maybe-”
“I’m sure,” Lily cut in. “I’ve read up on it, checked out every possibility and every single book on Divination that Hogwarts has. That’s why I’m still taking the stupid subject! These types of dreams can occur along with the One Sight. I’m dreaming of my death, James.”
“Our death,” James corrected her softly, his face full of that same emotion that Lily had seen earlier.
“What d’you mean? I’ve only ever Seen my death.”
“I must’ve been wearing my Invisibility Cloak, then,” James smiled slightly. Lily looked at him quizzically.
James took both of her hands in his. “When you die,” he said quietly, his voice quavering, “I’ll die with you. I-I don’t see how I’ll live without you.” Then he voiced what he had hinted at earlier that night. “I love you, Lily.” He looked directly into her emerald eyes. “Probably more than you will ever know.”
Lily’s half-filled eyes now matched James’. For once in her life, the fiery redhead was speechless. He loved her. Loved her. He really had loved her all those years he kept asking her out. She thought that he had just singled her out as an easy target. However, she had been wrong so many times. And he loved her! Her heart skipped a beat. She believed him. And in that moment, she brushed everything aside. She raised herself up from an enormous pool of doubt and despair. In that moment, Lily gave her entire heart to James Potter.
“Oh, James,” she murmured.
James had been watching her emotions play out on her face, and his heartbeat quickened when he saw that she had finally come to realization. Once again, James’ perfectly poised mouth was drawing nearer to Lily’s, but this time she did not run away. Quite the contrary. She tilted her face toward his, stood slightly on her tiptoes to reach his mouth, and their lips met. It was the most wonderful thing Lily had ever experienced. All of her fear melted away in James’ embrace. She was filled with a mixture of the utmost happiness, contentment, excitement, and…love. Love? She loved James? Her own reply was simply, “Yes.” Lily loved James. As that though rose in her mind, Lily kissed James with all the force she could muster, wanting him to know exactly how she felt about him.
They broke apart moments later, each gasping for breath. “Wow.” James said, his voice breaking. “Well, I take it that’s a yes for Slughorn’s party tomorrow night, then?”
Lily stared at him in disbelief, then burst out laughing. “You prat!” she said warmly, taking up his arm again. James gave her a broad grin and tenderly kissed her again. They set off for the common room, arm in arm.