New Years’ Eve was designed to leave you depressed if you were not in a relationship with someone, and I am not in a relationship with anyone. Especially not with Lily.
It’s my 7th and final New Years’ Eve that I will be spending at Hogwarts. I always thought that I would be spending it with someone other than myself. That’s not the case. It turns out, Dumbledore decided to throw a little party to celebrate the holiday. As I could imagine, everyone was ecstatic. I thought that maybe Lily and I would go just as Head boy and girl…things were going well with us. Ever since the year started we actually became friends, we did things together and we were in no way more than that. Obviously, I was and am still absolutely smitten with her, but I never said anything…until last week.
We were in our Head’s common room just hanging out, as we normally would do. After talking for what seemed like hours, we both could tell that there was some sort of spark between us. It was like a tractor beam…sucked us right in. Without realizing what either of us were doing we both leaned in. Despite the fact that we knew what we were doing would most likely ruin our friendship, we kissed anyway. That’s all we did, we continued to kiss and kiss and kiss. She finally broke the closeness and said she was getting tired. So, I tucked her in and we said good-night. The next morning was some what of a blur.
I walked out or my room and I saw her sitting on the couch drinking tea. I walked over and said, “Morning, Lily.”
“Good morning, James. How did you sleep?”
“Wonderful. You?”
She hesitated just a tiny bit, which made me extremely nervous and she said, “James, we should really talk about what happened last night.”
“Okay, what do you need to say?” At this point I was up to my ears in confusion.
“I don’t think what we did could be construed as the smartest thing we ever did. I know it was great, and fun every thing you have always wanted and what I have been wanting for the past couple months, I just think that we have a really great friendship and I don’t want to do anything to risk that.” She said that so fast I could hardly understand what she was saying. I had a hunch that she didn’t mean the majority of what she said.
So I said, simply, “Okay.”
“That’s it? I thought you would put up a fight or something. This is not the reaction that I expected.”
“Yeah, well, I am not saying anything because I just figure that if last night hadn’t made you come to your senses then nothing else will.” Before she could interrupt, I added, “You see, you spent the last couple months knowing that you and me, together, would be amazing. Better than anything and you chose to swallow your feeling and forget about them. Than last night I thought that all changed and I thought you figured ‘what the hell? Go for it.’ So, now I am wondering how you expected me to have a different reaction than just 'okay'. I’m not saying anything because I’m mad…at you, and at me. So, do me a favor, Lily, don’t talk to me until you realize that the only way to have a friendship is to be more than friends. In the meantime, you know my feelings. You know I want you…more than anything. So, when you come to me, I’ll come to you, too.”
With that, I started walking out the door of the Head’s dorm. Before I walked out, I turned to look at her and she was gazing into the fire with a look of shock on her face and I said to her:
“I heard somewhere that the greatest thing you will ever learn is to love and be loved in return; it's true. Think about it.”
So now I am here, wondering the halls by myself, while everyone-including Lily- is at the New Years’ Eve party. As I think about that fateful night a week ago and the things that I said to her, all I keep saying to myself is what a mistake I have made. She hasn’t said anything to me since that day and the same goes for me. It’s eating me alive. I hate not being able to laugh with her and talk to her and do absolutely nothing with her. So, I have two options. I can either A: swallow my pride and just go to her and be with her like I want to do. Or, option B: I can wait until she swallows her pride, which I have no idea when that is going to be and I hate waiting.
Before I realize what I am doing I find myself running as fast as my legs can carry me to the Great Hall, where I know she is.
I am closer to the hall and I can hear the counting down start to begin and I want so much to get to her before midnight.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6…
I slam myself through the Great Halls doors and I see her standing alone, right in front of me. So I quickly walk up to her and say the first thing that pops in my head.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I think, no, I know, I love you.”
“What?”
“I love you.”
“What do you expect to me to say to something like that?” she said with her hair flowing ever so nicely around her face and neck.
“How about ‘I love you, too.”
“James, look, it’s New Years’ Eve and you’re lonely so I can understand why you are here but you can’t just show up here, tell me you love me and than just anticipate that everything between us is alright. Okay? It doesn’t work your way.”
“Well, what about this way: I love it how it takes you an hour to write a paragraph on an essay because you want it to be perfect. I love how you care about people that you don’t know. I love that you laugh at my stupid jokes and how your nose wrinkles when you do it. I love it that after I spend the day with you I can spell your vanilla and peppermint scent on my clothes. And I love that you’re the last person I want to talk to and the last person I want to see before I go to sleep. And it’s not because it’s New Years’ Eve or because I’m lonely. I came after you tonight because when you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you want the rest of your life to start right away.”
She looked at me with her piercing eyes and I was ready for a huge blow, but then her eyes became soft and with a smile appeared on her face she said, “You know, James, you say things like that and you make it unbelievable difficult for me to hate you…and I do, I hate you, James.”
I swept a slightly crying Lily off her feet and into my arms where I knew and she knew that this is exactly where we were supposed to be.