“It may look as if it’s over
But I’m still not over you”
-Michelle Branch, If Only She Knew
Lily
Even after I got to school and was snuggled up under the velvet covers of my four-poster bed, her words were ringing through my ears.
I felt like I’d been sucked into some kind of nightmare, except this was worse. Instead of being trapped inside a mysterious world that only existed in my sleep, I was trapped inside my own emotions which were impossible to escape. Despite the fact that anyone else in this situation would have hated Alanna’s guts, I didn’t, probably because she was right about me.
I broke James’ heart. I made him cry.
I have never seen James cry.
The thought of even one tear falling down his face seems eerie, something that isn’t supposed to happen, like how the world isn’t flat and hair just doesn’t naturally grow pink.
Have I become so heartless that I even assume James can’t cry? What’s WRONG with me?
I bury my face in my pillow to soften the sound of my crying out in aggravation and despair. To have one good day would make me happy, one day is all I ask.
*Next Day*
“Lily?”
Someone’s voice is creeping through my sleep.
“LILY!”
Groggily I look up through my thick red hair to see Rosa Marie, a tiny black-haired girl shaking me roughly to wake me up.
“What is it Rosa…” I yawn, brushing off my hair.
“Lily, we have class!” She explains desperately, gazing at me imploringly with her striking violet eyes.
“WHAT?!” I yelp, jumping clean out of my skin.
“Hurry up, you have ten minutes.” She sighs, turning away and walking out the door.
Hastily I slip out and pull on my robes. This was not the best way to be starting the first official day of school. On top of that my hair is all over the place and I only have six minutes to brush it out.
After hastily braiding it, I start walking off to class. I barely slept at all last night due to the fact that guilt keeps me awake for long periods of time, so the faces of people all passed by in a blur.
When I finally reached the Charms classroom I was about to open the door when I felt a hand push me roughly into it, whacking my head so hard little stars erupted in front of my eyes.
“Ow!” I exclaimed, rubbing my forehead in annoyance.
I turned around to see who had the nerve to shove me into a door first thing in the morning, only to see the grinning face of Alanna Potter.
“Hello.” I say cheerfully, in an attempt to stop myself from yelling at her.
“Hi.” She replies coolly, casually placing her hair over her shoulder, not taking her eyes off me.
“You better watch out for stationary objects Evans, they may have a bit of a magnetic attraction to you today.”
“What’s that supposed to-“ I start but am interrupted by her violently hitting me over the head with her spell book.
Tears spurt out of my eyes from pain and I gaze helplessly at her with them streaming down my face. I know she doesn’t like me, but openly hitting me is just NOT tolerable.
“What the HELL was that for?” I shout.
“Breaking my brother’s heart.” She says simply.
“You’re head’s worth a lot less though.”
Without another word she walks calmly through the classroom door with an air of satisfaction in her walk.
Furiously I wipe my face and rush in.
Professor Flitwick ignores the fact that we’re both late, muttering something about it being the first day of school and as long as we were on time tomorrow we’d be fine.
I personally didn’t care too much about it right now. The only seat available was between James and Alanna. It’s like some kind of death trap.
James grins happily at me when I slide in beside him, but loses all his joy in about two seconds when I catch his eye. You don’t have to be a genius to tell when I’m in a bad mood and not to be messed with.
Alanna seems perfectly happy. If anything, my anger is improving her mood. I’m fed up with her already. She’s already had a go at my heart and my head is not appreciating her new tactics.
So I sat impatiently through an hour of Charms, uncomfortably aware of the intensity between me, James, and Alanna. James kept asking me what was wrong and I kept snapping at him and telling him to shut up, which got Alanna going on about my lack of emotion towards humankind. By the end of it, I was ready to drop out of Hogwarts.
Finally when I was outside of the classroom I backed up against the wall and started breathing heavily to calm my temper. I watched James leave with Sirius and felt a shiver run up my spine when James caught my eye. Instantly I began concentrating on the stone floor until I thought he was gone, then looked back up to see Sirius standing directly in front of me, looking uncharacteristically self conscious.
“Um, hi.” I said, glancing at him.
What was he doing anyway? He’d been with James two seconds ago, and really had no reason to talk to me.
“Are you alright? You seemed upset in class.” He asks, looking at me with concern.
“I’m fine. Just leave me alone.” I snap, starting to walk off in the other direction.
“Wait, Lily!” He calls, grabbing the back of my robes.
I whip around so fast his hand is torn off me.
“WHAT?”
Sirius flinches.
“Lily,” He says, his voice coming out sticky sweet like a little girl’s.
“I just wanted to make sure you were ok.”
Honestly, I am beyond perplexed at the moment. Since when did Sirius care so much that I was even the slightest bit annoyed? It’s not that he’s not a nice guy, but this much attention from him is unusual. It’s more like something James would do.
“I’m fine, thanks.” I reply a bit more softly and force myself to smile up at him.
“It’s just a rough day. That’s all.”
He smiles at me with his blindingly white teeth and winks before turning and walking down the hall with his bag slung over his shoulder. I follow and try to keep myself from giggling at all the jealous girl’s expressions as I walk by.
My happiness deflates when I recognize one of the jealous girl’s as Alanna. I feel haunted by her, everywhere I walk she seems to be only a few feet away. Her eyes are sparkling with mixed hatred and jealousy, her skinny arms crossed over her chest and expression clearly disgusted. When she notices me looking at her, I look down at the floor and continue my way down the corridor.
As I’m walking I hear footsteps behind me. Somehow I know it’s her, maybe because of the clicking of high-heeled shoes, or maybe because her loathing for me seems to radiate off walls.
“Listen Evans,” I hear her sneer.
“Just because you’re through with James doesn’t mean you can take his best friend, like he’d want a stupid, ugly thing like you.”
Horribly I felt a searing pain pierce my heart at her words and felt suddenly self conscious. Anger was consuming my brain like poison and inside I wanted to scream and cry.
“Well, if I’m so terrible why do you seem so concerned about it? Why do you even care? Unless of course you like him.” I remark, unable to keep the humor out of my voice. I’m secretly enjoying the vicious look on her face as she tries to contain the rage obviously pounding in her blood.
“I don’t like Sirius Black.” She snarls.
“You have a lovely way of showing it.” I laugh, for once today feeling a bit cheered up.
“How would you know? You specialize in breaking hearts, not taking care of them.”
Against my will my stomach contracts with guilt at her words.
“I never meant to hurt James.” I gasp, realizing a hard lump in my throat as I try to speak.
Her frown deepens at my words.
Biting back every insulting thing I’d love to lash out at her, I start walking once again toward my next class.
“We do a lot of things we don’t mean to do.” She whispers in my ear as I round the corner.
“Like this.”
My foot catches on the point of her shoe and I feel myself start to tumble to the floor. Out of pure instinct I stretch out my arms and feeling something solid wrap them around it.
My head lands against something firm but soft and whatever I wrapped my arms around is so warm it reminds me of July.
Looking up my stomach turns inside out as my eyes connect once again with James’.
My head is against his chest, my arms around his waist, and I finally realize his arms are what stopped me from hitting the floor.
I feel my mouth fall open with horror as he stares unblinkingly at me, a mixture of emotions playing around his face. Part of me would wishes I could evaporate on the spot, anything to get myself out of James’ grasp, but sickeningly, horribly, a small part of me is drowning in the warmth of his body, taking him in with sweet rapture.
“You alright?” He asks, not even laughing at my current predicament.
“Lovely.” I sputter, gently pushing his arms off me.
Sirius is shooting daggers at the floor with his eyes and James just looks at me with that sweet smile on his lips.
“Um, thanks for catching me.” I blurt out, feeling myself blush.
“My pleasure Lily.” He replies, still smiling. I wish he’d stop.
Abruptly Sirius interrupts this little staring contest with a cough.
“Er, Lily, can I talk to you?” He asks, his baby blue eyes concentrating on me alone.
“Uh, sure.” I mutter, looking back to James to see his expression suddenly morphed into dread, as if someone died.
Sirius takes my arm and walks me over to another corridor.
A completely deserted corridor. No people, no noise, nothing.
Until Sirius’ deep voice breaks the uncomfortable silence.
“Lily,” He says, his hand still gripping my arm.
“Yeah?”
“Do you want to go to Hogsmeade with me?”
My jaw drops with amazement. My eyes probably look like giant green grapes right now.
“Like-Like a date?” I ask, my voice cracking from the inability to speak.
“Yeah.”
He looks slightly uncomfortable. His eyes flicker from me to the floor and back.
“Sure, I guess.” I say halfheartedly.
“Great!”
His eyes are suddenly lit up with happiness and his face breaks into a grin.
“See ya Lily!”
His grinning face is the last thing I see before I'm swallowed up in distraught.
“Bye.
Sirius Black, the (by popular vote) hottest guy in school, just asked me out. I should be elated, my heart should be exploding with joy, fireworks should be going off in my head!
So why do I feel sick?