“You’re all I need, I’m on my knees, watch me bleed, will you listen please…”
-Ashlee Simpson
James
A combination of love and fear was making my heart pound with the force of ten thousand raging hippogriffs. What the hell had I done? What was I playing at, telling Lily I loved her?
I walk quietly down the stairs feeling my legs protest by shaking wildly when I put weight on them. If I could, I would give up on Lily, there would definitely be a decrease of pain in my life. Except without Lily I feel empty. If you chopped off one of my legs I would feel more complete than if Lily was out of my life.
I could just skip the rest of the day’s classes, but I’d probably run into her, and I don’t know what I’m going to do if that happens. There’s no way she could feel this for me too, I don’t understand how anyone could love me besides my parents. Girls that giggle when I walk by and shit just think I’m hot or something, that isn’t love.
On the way to class which I’m forty-five minutes late for, I start thinking.
How is it possible to love someone so much, love them to the point that you would drown in pain if it meant they’d look at you, and not have them love you in return? I hate thinking about it, because if there’s one person in the world that could take care of Lily and love her as much as she deserves, it’s me, and I say that selflessly because I personally am disgusted with myself at the moment. For someone who is always claiming she doesn’t need me, Lily seemed extremely fragile in my arms.
At that thought I slam open the door to Potions.
Dozens of eyes are fixed on me, including Professor Chase’s. She opens her mouth to snap at me for being late but just as suddenly shuts it and bites her lip.
“Take your seat then Potter.” She says, pointing to a spot beside Sirius and returning to her desk after sweeping her long black hair over her chair.
I’m aware of everyone’s eyes still fixed on me when I slide into my seat and start pulling out my stuff.
“James…” Sirius mutters from beside me.
“What?”
“Your eyes.”
Confused, I bring my hand up by my glasses and feel something wet on my cheek.
It’s funny how I can cry without knowing it.
“Oh, I accidentally poked myself in the eye with the end of my glasses.” I say hastily, shrugging off the class’s stares.
“Right.” Sirius mutters under his breath and continues working on his potion.
Feeling my face redden, I brush off any stray tears and begin working as if nothing happened.
At the end of class Sirius rounds on me in the hall and starts bombarding me with questions.
“Well what the hell happened? You went in to find her and you come out with your eyes leaking.”
Sighing, I shove my hands in my pockets and look up at him.
“I’m fine, nothing happened.”
Normally I would tell Sirius everything, I thought there was nothing about me the Marauder’s didn’t know, but even I was unaware of how powerful my feelings were for Lily. I didn’t want to tell him because this felt so much more private than flirting with her all day, and frankly I still hadn’t forgotten his attempt to win her over.
“Prongs, come on, I’ve been your best friend since you were a first year, you have to tell me.”
“Yeah exactly like you had to tell me you had a crush on Lily yesterday. For all I know you’re just wondering how hopeless my situation is so you can steal her.”
I shot viciously at him.
Sirius gapes at me for a second looking horrified that I’d say such a thing.
“What!? No way, I don’t like Lily. No matter what you think I will NEVER like Lily, so once you’ve gotten that through your thick skull you can stop treating me like dirt.” He retorted.
“Fine.” I snarled, but it wasn’t exactly the best comeback available. I didn’t want to fight with Sirius but I had no idea what to do with all the feelings playing around my head so I took it out on him.
“Look, James,” Sirius said a bit more calmly, looking apologetic.
“I just want to know what’s up. I haven’t seen you this upset since Lily yelled at you for beating up Snape last year, and you were really upset then.”
“Sorry.” I mutter sheepishly.
He shrugs and smiles weakly at me.
“I told her I love her.” I mumble into my shoulder.
“What?” Sirius asks, grabbing me by the shoulder and turning me toward him.
“I told her I love her.” I mutter again, keeping my eyes on the floor and feeling my face go red.
Sirius lets go of me as if he touched something sharp and gapes at me.
“You DID?” He exclaims, his mouth hanging open.
I nod, not wanting to talk because OBVIOUSLY I have no control of what comes out of my mouth.
“Wow…” He says, gazing off in a faraway direction.
“So what did she say?”
“I didn’t really give her time to say anything, I sort of realized what I said and left.” I explain, still blushing.
Sirius clutches his head and starts jumping up and down like a house elf that forgot to make the beds.
“YOU IDIOT!” He cries.
“What?” I ask, amazed at his strange reaction.
“Do you HONESTLY think she’s not going to like you back?” He snaps in an exasperated voice.
“Er, yes.” I say glancing around at a group of third years that are staring at us and giggling.
Sirius grabs me by the shoulder and starts shoving me into crowds, the whole time whispering furiously in my ear:
“You get back there and let her tell you how she feels about you. You’re going to regret it if you don’t!”
“But Sirius!” I sigh, gritting my teeth in frustration.
He continues shoving me down the hall, into the common room and up to the boy’s dormitory.
After pushing me down on my bed he goes over to his dresser and starts flinging things from it including a box of chocolate frogs and twelve red roses.
Noticing where I was looking he picks up one rose and shoves it in my hand, pricking my finger with a thorn.
“Ow.” I snap annoyed, putting my finger in my mouth to dim the sting.
With madness glittering in his blue eyes he stares at me and points at the rose in my hand.
“Give it to her. No girl can resist them ok? And I know she’s not allergic so don’t even start Prongs! All you ever wanted since the age of 11 was to get Lily Evans so I’m HELPING you.”
He folds his arms over his chest and glares defiantly at me, daring me to argue.
I finger the rose in my hands. I guess I don’t have anything to lose if she already hates my guts, and Alanna always got roses from her boyfriends. Besides, what if Sirius is right? What if the tiny part of me that thinks she could love me is right? It’s a strange world when things like this seem to depend on a rose.
Lily
James loves me.
If love is your heart pounding whenever your crush is with you, shivers running through your body when they touch you, feeling lonely in the company of 100 people because they aren’t there and only being whole when you’re near them, I feel that for James.
Stupid is what I feel at the moment however, because once again I have acted like the idiotic git I am and not done something about the raging storm of emotion inside me! It’s like standing at a buffet table: everything is laid out in front of you for you to take, but you aren’t taking it! (James would be the jello. I love jello it tastes yummy. I bet James does too) I’m getting off topic though. What I need to be thinking about is: how the hell do I tell him I love him?
Every time I run into him my mind goes haywire and I can’t think of what to say, I just get lost in his gorgeous eyes and sexy black hair. If you took a picture of me I would stand in the photo for hours gazing at him stupidly.
One thing is for certain: if I’m going to win James’ heart I’m not going to be capable of doing it sitting on the floor in shock.
Surprisingly my legs aren’t nearly as weak as they were half an hour ago. I stand up and start packing my books into my bag for class.
I still feel warm from being held in James’ arms for ages. He lingers everywhere he touched me, making it possible for me to be just a little more cheerful.
I slip my bag over my shoulder and begin walking down the stairs and on to class. I stop at a mirror to glance at my reflection.
My eyes are pink and my face is slightly tearstained, but despite this I look very happy. Happy at the fact that James Potter loves me.
A grin creeps across my face and suddenly I’m skipping off to class with James occupying my every thought. Slytherins stare at me when I smile at them; Snape seems shocked when I bump into him giggling and even after tripping over Alanna’s foot my only reaction is starting to get up and apologizing to the person in front me.
“Sorry, I tripped.” I laugh.
“Here, I’ll help you up.” They say, sounding breathless.
“Tha-”I begin, taking their hand, and then stopping mid-word as I catch their eye.
An explosion of nerves is set off in my stomach as I make eye contact with James, who looks nervous as he pulls me up. I don’t let go of his hand right away because I love the soft feel of his skin.
His eyes seem slightly frightened, waiting for me to say something.
Every particle of me is aching with love for him but my mouth seems to be ignoring it because the three words that could save James’ heart refuse to come out. What my mouth does utter however, far outdoes what I normally say to James.
“You forgot to catch me this time.” I say, grinning at him.
I want to start cracking up at his expression of mixed amazement and happiness.
I glance down at his hand and smile softly at the mischievous thought going through my head.
“You can have your hand back now.” I say slyly and slip it into his jeans’ front pocket with my hand still in it, then take mine back before smiling at him and walking off, winking at Alanna who is still gaping at me like an electrocuted bullfrog.
James
It was as if someone had replaced my blood with boiling water, my heart with a rock concert and my life with the luckiest guy in the world’s. Flashes of what just happened are running through my head: Lily’s smile making me confused and oddly reassured, her hand in mine causing electricity to shoot up my body, and every cute little thing she said to drive me mad.
Yet the rose was still in my bag waiting to be given to her, and now more than ever I think she may return my feelings. Why would she flirt with me, how could she seem happy after crying into my shoulder that was still wet with her tears, if she didn’t love me? I’m probably basing her world on mine unintelligently, but the only person I get joy out of messing around with is the person I love: her. Please let it be the same because I don’t know how much longer I can go on without Lily.
Lily
Walking down the hall lightheartedly, I notice someone following me by the sound of their footsteps thundering behind me. I turn around and see Alanna in a state of utter shock running after me, her mouth still hanging open.
“Hello.” I greet her cheerfully, stopping to adjust my bag on my shoulder.
Instead of responding she just stands there staring at me with her wide green eyes.
“Er, can I help you with something?” I ask, forcing myself not to laugh.
“What was THAT about?” She asks, pointing her tiny finger toward the spot where James had been standing seconds before.
I smile weakly at her and brush a strand of red hair out of my eyes.
“I don’t hate your brother. I never meant to hurt him, so I’m trying to make him happy.” I say in an apologetic tone.
“It isn’t enough to make him happy for five minutes Evans! I want James to be happy for the rest of his life!” She exclaims, stamping her foot against the stone floor.
“You told me I could either love him or disappear.” I remind her, feeling my heart pound as I say it.
“Yeah, well, you haven’t disappeared yet.” She snarls.
“Exactly.” I say, smiling cautiously at her and leaving her dumbstruck as I continue walking down the hallway.