Once upon a time, there was a boy.
Now, this might not surprise you, because there have been many boys in the world, all of which started their lives at 'once upon a time.'
However, this boy happened to be very special. Not special in the way your first-born child is, nor special in a way that requires large doses of medication and a quiet, padded room. No, he was special because a spectacularly egotistical madman who chose the rather unusual moniker 'Lord Voldemort' went out of his way to mark this poor boy for death. This, of course, did not sit well with his parents or their friends, and so they went out of their way to protect this boy. Unfortunately [as many of these things turn out], it was of no use. The boy's parents were murdered, and the child, barely a year into his life, was shunted off to a household where he would spend the next ten years being treated rather shabbily. As luck would have it, the boy- Harry- turned out to be a rather nice child, as far as young boys go.
One day, this skinny lad received a letter, which he was not allowed to keep. And another, and another, and another, until his uncle, who was quite corpulent and purple with rage, dragged him to some remote island in the Isles and held him there until an even more corpulent- but not nearly as angry- man came and scooped him up. With one swish of a pink umbrella and a psychologically scarred cousin behind him, young Harry Potter started off on the adventure of a lifetime.
You, however, know all this, and I will not attempt to lump together seven years of events in a few paragraphs. Suffice it to say that aforementioned megalomaniac, Lord Voldemort, made it a habit of trying to off poor Potter, who would have much preferred to spend his days with his two best friends; a fire-haired boy named Ron, who, despite being rather thick at times and was in occasional need of anger management, was generally kind and loyal, and a bushy-haired girl with more brains than you could find in the Department of Mysteries and a penchant for bossiness. Harry was content with his two best friends, his superb Quidditch team, and attending Hogwarts and filling his brain with magical knowledge.
Seven long years at Hogwarts taught Harry- who is now a man- quite a few things. Most of them are basic steps for magical folk- how to fly a broom, how to do a proper Lumos charm- things of that nature. However, because Harry spent a good portion of those seven years dodging death and things along those lines, he and his friends had a few more lessons, the culmination of which are the following:
1. If one class goes through a professor a year, there may be something fishy going on.
2. Books that talk to you are generally not good for one's health.
3. Werewolves can be quite pleasant, unless they're actually in full transformation.
4. The Ministry couldn't find their bottoms from a hole in the ground.
5. The Hero business is highly over-rated.
6. People who go looking to be heroes tend to end up in rather bad predicaments, such as sudden death or loss of limb.
7. Most heroes wind up dead.
With these seven rules in mind, our three heroes- and now their friends and respective spouses- have come across The Golden Rule for People Whose Lives Are In Perpetual Danger:
Eternal Glory is for Suckers. With a capital S.
Now, that isn't to say that Harry and his best friends- Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger- aren't heroes. They are, of course, and as much as they loathe the title, it's stuck on them. The main difference between them and other heroes is that they didn't want the title. What they wanted was a little peace and quiet.
Voldemort was defeated- because, after all, that's what heroes do best, defeat the bad guys- and there was much rejoicing in the Wizarding World. The Trio, as they are known, had survived with relatively little physical damage- at least as far as the public knew- although Ron spent a few months at the bottom of a bottle before Harry threatened to hex him to an ancient Mayan civilisation. What surprised many people is how quickly they retreated.
Harry, for his part, made it VERY clear that he was over and done with the hero business. Now, this may sound strange to you, but when you consider that Harry, Hermione and Ron had been at the 'saving people from Mortal Peril' industry since Harry and Ron were eleven and Hermione was twelve, eighteen seems like the right age to retire. After all, once you've saved the world, everything else is going to be small turnips, now isn't it?
So our story beings a few years later, when all praise and rejoicing has died down. Harry is happily retired, married and living off the fortune his parents left him and the money he received as a reward from the Ministry. Ron has been partners with one Draco Malfoy- stop fussing, his story will be explained- since halfway through his eighteenth year. They are raising two children, war orphans, together.
Hermione, for her part, got married when she was eighteen to one very famous International Quidditch Star from Bulgaria, the first of the war-time weddings. To everyone's surprise- but her friends- the marriage has flourished. She has been in recovery from severe injuries sustained during the War, and hopes to return to work soon. Viktor is planning his comeback as a Star Seeker.
There are others involved, of course, and their stories will be told as well. For now, we shall start from a new 'once upon a time', a time where everything finally seemed to be returning to normal after years of chaos and mayhem.
It all started one beautiful October afternoon; Harry Potter was sitting on the porch of Hermione Krum's house, having a cup of tea, when a letter arrived.
A/N: The entire story will not be told in this fashion- I just wanted a more humorous way to bring everyone up to speed.