It was the small hours of the morning. Harry lay next to Hermione with his hands around the small of her back, holding her close. Her shoulder was on his chest and her arms were wrapped around him. Hermione was crying softly to herself -- she felt embarrassed being so close to him in bed because of her body.
How could he love me? she thought. My body is revolting -- I cannot even stand to look at it. How could he? He deserves someone who can give him pleasure, who can give him what he needs and deserves. I cannot I am too small. Everything about my body is underdeveloped. Why would he want that?
Harry had just awoken and could hear what was going through Hermione’s mind. He could not understand why Hermione was feeling this way. He tightened his grip on her and looked at the insecure young woman crying into his chest -- this was not the Hermione he knew.
“Hermione, what is the matter? Please tell me -- I want to help you, I want to understand.”
“Harry, I feel … feel …” Hermione was crying more and more. How could she tell Harry? Harry who had the perfect body... Harry the Quidditch player … the boy
who lived. How could she tell him that when she took her clothes off, she just wanted to die? To end her pain and misery?
Not knowing what was really bothering her was eating Harry up inside. She was crying so much, she was shivering. He would do anything to stop it, to take away her pain -- now and always.
“Hermione, you know you can tell me anything -- I love you. With all my heart. It is killing me to see you like this. Please tell me what is wrong.” Harry felt his chest begin to tighten and his eyes begging to well up -- not because her emotion was passing to him, but because he was pained to see her like this.
“If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to laugh or make fun of me?” Hermione said between sobs.
“Hermione, you know I would never laugh at anything that upsets you this much.”
“Once I’ve begun, you can’t stop me. If you stop me I don’t think I would be able to continue.”
Harry gazed down at her. She raised her head and looked into his eyes; they were full of love and misery. The misery she was causing him. Harry just nodded, and Hermione took a deep breath. She knew she would have to tell him. It was probably going to be the last time he would see her. She had resigned herself to the fact that after this he would not want anything to do with her. That he would tell her to leave.
“Harry, I am not going to lie; you deserve the truth. All my life, people have made fun of the way I look and the way I behave. I started in nursery -- all of the other girls had lovely straight hair. And then there was me. With this dreadful bushy brown hair.” Hermione was running her hands through her hair. “All the other kids would make fun of me … saying I should brush it before leaving the house … calling me a tramp. This is where it all started. I just ignored them; thinking that it did not bother me what they would say. But it did. It bothered me more than I could admit. I guess I was it was slowly eating away at me inside. That is when I began to immerse myself in books and studies. I had no friend -- no one would talk to me or look at me … ”
Harry was dumbfounded. He could not believe that people could be so nasty to such a lovely girl. She did not deserve this, he thought. She did not deserve to be treated this way.
“Anyway it went on like this for years. People always making fun of me because of the way I looked. As I moved through school people also started to make fun of me because of my schoolwork and how I was always at the top of my class. I had resigned myself to knowing that I was destined to spend the rest of my life alone,” she tried her best to hold off her tears. “Until the day I met you and Ron on the train, that is. I finally had hope. Hope that someone would like me -- would want to be my friend. That is all I wanted. I wanted someone to care for me … I had been alone for so long, I just wanted someone to like me.”
Harry was beginning to realise what was happening: All Hermione had ever wanted was to be loved. It was something she had never had.
“But then when I heard Ron saying that I was a know-it-all and a teachers’ pet, it ripped though my heart. It tore me to pieces. I thought I had finally found two people would like me. Two people who would not tease or bully me. Two people I thought I could trust,” she could not look in Harry’s eyes -- she was embarrassed and scared about what she would find there. “But when I heard this I could not hold back my tears so I ran away. I told myself that it would be like this for the rest of my life. That I would be destined to be a loner and have no one to care for me.”
“But …”
“Harry, please do not interrupt me. I just sat in the bathroom crying … crying because I had hoped you two were different. When I pulled myself together, I could see you were sorry and forgave you. Everything was going well till people started dating. I wanted someone to ask me out “ namely you. I loved you so much, but you were so into Cho. So I wondered what the difference was. Then it hit me: my body. I had always been told I was ugly but just ignored it. But when you went out with Cho … I knew it was true. That my body was and still is underdeveloped. My breasts are small compared to other girls'. I knew this was the reason.”
Harry looked shocked at this. He to put his arms around her and hold her close, but she brushed him off. She had to finish and tell him everything. Tears were beginning to run down her face. Tears which there was no need for, as he knew she had nothing to worry about.
“When I realized the reason, I hated the way I looked. I could not bear to look at myself in the mirror. I hated my body and wanted to die. I thought if my breasts were bigger that you would notice me and would love me the way I wanted you to. But I knew this was not possible. But then one night when you and the other boys were sitting in the common room last year. You were talking about girls and who you liked. My name was never mentioned. Every other girl was mentioned … but not me. That just cemented it -- I’m ugly, I look like a troll and no one will ever love me. That night I cried and cried -- knowing that I would be alone all my life. That I would have no one to cuddle into on a cold winter’s night, no one to kiss and no one to talk to. All of my insecurities had surfaced at the same time. I just lay there crying and
shivering. I finally fell asleep and did not want to talk to anyone. There was no one I could talk to. I considered you, but how could I? You were in love with Cho, and I did not want to spoil that.”
Harry was beginning to cry. He could not believe she could feel this way. That she could think that anyone could think that of her. That she could even have that thought in her mind for even a second.
“I was ready to face the fact that I would be alone forever. But then, when you met me on the Millennium Eye, everything changed. I knew I had someone who loved me. Someone I could spend the rest of my life with. All my fears were quashed. That is, till you said I was ugly. I rushed up to my room crying. I looked at myself in a full-length mirror when I was naked. I hated the sight in front of me. I wanted to
die. I could not believe that you could love me when I looked like this. That you could possibly consider spending the rest of your life with me. Do you see what I am saying? My body is disgusting ... I don’t even like it, let alone you. I will understand if you no longer wish to be with me. It will just be another in a long line of rejections.” Hermione was now crying. She could see the look on Harry’s face. Did he still love her? She broke down, tears streaming down her face.
“Hermione, how could you think like that? Those people at your school had no right to treat you like that. They had no right, Hermione. I love you -- love you with all of my heart.” Harry and Hermione were both crying. Harry pulled her as close to him as he could. He wanted show her that he loved her, and her appearance did not matter to him.
“Hermione, you know you do not look like a troll and you are not disgusting. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. You cannot compare yourself to Cho, she was a silly … well … bitch, and you … are the complete opposite. You know me better than anyone and I love you with all my heart. My relationship with Cho was built on looks and appearance. But with you, it’s about love and friendship. I love you more than anyone on this earth, and I can tell you without any reservation that you look beautiful. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I am willing to wait until you are ready and will never force you into anything you are uncomfortable with,” Harry planted a kiss on Hermione’s forehead and hugged her tightly. He could not believe that she could feel this way because she was the most beautiful woman he had ever clapped eyed on.
“Harry, I am so sorry. I should have told you this ages ago. But I was ashamed of myself. Do you forgive me?”
“There is nothing to forgive Hermione. I am going to be at your side through all of this. We will get through it. I will be there for you anytime you need me. I love you, Hermione Jane Granger, and nothing is going to change it. If anyone ever makes you feel this way again, just tell me.”
Hermione smiled at Harry; she knew he loved her. She knew she would be happy with Harry and that Harry did not care about her appearance. Harry ran his hands gently up and down her back to calm her. Suddenly Hermione kissed him passionately on the lips. She wanted to show him that she loved him. Harry continued to run his hands up and down her back. He could feel the strap of her bra, and it gave him a rush, but he did not do anything. He respected that Hermione would need time. He did not want her to regret anything they would do.
“Harry, you can remove my top -- but nothing else,” she was as shocked as he that she had said this, but it seemed so right. When he touched her, she felt alive. She knew in her heart that Harry did not care abut her appearance and that he loved her on a transcendent level which is intellectual and emotional. Their relationship was based on love for one another not lust. This was important to her, as she wanted to spend the rest of her life with this man. She was not ready to go all the way but wanted to feel his touch on her bare chest and wanted to be close to him
Mr. and Mrs. Granger had just entered the common room; they were going to visit Hermione as it had been a few days. They had expected to find her and Harry in the common room, but it was deserted. Assuming she must still be in bed, they walked up to her room and opened the door…
Authors note:
This story has nothing to do with JK Rowling or Warner Bros. Again thanks to everyone who has reviewed. Please continue reviewing! Thanks again to Steph for moderating the story and giving me advice, as I was not sure how to tell Harry. In addition, this may be the last chapter for a while. I have my A level module exams in January so I may not have time to update until the end of January/beginning of February. Hope you understand I need to revise.
Additional comment: if you would like me to continue please review! I have looked at how many people have read the chapter and the number of reviews do not reflect this so please review if you want me to continue.