Fading Into Grey
Chapter 9 - September 1972
The sun felt hot against his face and chest, in stark contrast to the cool water lapping at his arms and legs. As he floated in a makeshift raft, he held onto a reed protruding from the water to keep from moving downstream with the current. His entire body felt lifeless and completely relaxed from the lazy summer day. The sun was so bright it made his vision hazy as he squinted to look down his chest. His skin had never been browner in his life.
They had spent their days swimming in the river at the edge of the moor and nights camping out back behind the Potters’ house. James’ mum and dad gave them free reign of the household, and the boys had been lavished with sweets and pies and Sunday roasts. Devonshire was so different from the loud and busy streets of London. Sirius felt he could live here forever.
He could hear James and Peter laughing and splashing nearby. He looked over to the other edge of the water and smiled at Andromeda, who was standing on the bank, her belly rotund. She smiled as she rubbed the bump and waved back at him.
The tranquil water began to slowly ripple. The sun vanished behind a dark cloud, suddenly leaving his skin feeling cold and oddly bare. A prickling sensation washed over him as the water began to rise. The raft he lay in started rocking from the building current, bucking him back and forth.
Sirius heard a low, growling voice call his name.
He turned his head, trying to find where the voice was coming from. Then he saw Andromeda again “ just moments later “ yet this time lying on the bank, crying, her arm wrapped around a bloody bundle of cloth.
“Sirius…”
She called his name, but her voice was oddly hoarse and low. He tried to paddle his way out of the reeds but they began to pull him in. The current was too much. He couldn’t fight it. Then he heard Andromeda; this time it sounded like her.
“Sirius, you’re not like them! Help me!”
She was crying, reaching her hand out to him, but she seemed to be floating further away.
“I’m not like them! But I don’t know what to do!”
“Help me, Sirius! Please!”
“I’m trying!”
He flipped over on the small raft and began swimming, but he wasn’t getting anywhere. Frustrated, he splashed and thrashed in the water but he was still no closer; it seemed he was even further from her than before.
“I can’t! It’s too much!”
“Master Black.”
There was the voice again…deep and dark and venomous. Then the reeds parted and out reached a hand, old and wrinkled, which grabbed Sirius’s leg and he screamed…
Sirius woke with a start at his own voice screaming into his pillow, Kreacher’s vice grip around his ankle.
“Master Black was dreaming.” The elf smiled wickedly. “What a pleasant dream it must have been, too.”
“Don’t touch me!” Sirius yelled, his heart still pounding, pulling his leg from Kreacher’s grip.
“Master Black needs to wake. Mistress wants to leave for the train soon.”
“Get out.”
“Ooh, Master Black had a scary dream. Poor child,” the elf cooed sarcastically.
“Get out of my bedroom!” Sirius yelled.
Kreacher left, mumbling under his breath about ungrateful children and spoiled brats.
Sirius blew out a stifled breath and ran his hands through his hair, his heart slowing to a normal pace. He lay there, recalling the dream.
Andromeda.
This summer had been weird. There was no other way to describe it. He had found out soon enough that mentioning her name was forbidden. It was just so strange how his mother and father acted like she had never existed. Even Bella and Cissy didn’t talk about her. One time he had found Cissy crying out in the back garden and had sussed it was because of Ana. He couldn’t figure it all out, though he’d definitely tried. Sirius had done more thinking in the past month than he probably had done his whole life. But all that thinking had done nothing but leave him without answers and make him miss Ana even more.
Sirius knew it was wrong, what Andromeda did. First of all, to be having a baby so young”she was only sixteen and just heading into her final year at Hogwarts. But he just couldn’t understand how the fact that the boy she’d been seeing was a Muggleborn was so bad. Sirius thought of Remus, whose mum was a Muggle…Remus was a great friend. He was ill a lot, but so what, it didn’t mean he wasn’t a good friend.
Sirius punched his pillow and rolled over onto his side. The first thing that came into view was an old, carved wooden box sitting on his nightstand. The chess set Andromeda had given him for his eleventh birthday. He reached out and ran his finger over the silver clasp.
His door burst open and Sirius turned.
“Sirius,” Regulus announced as he came in, fully dressed in his new robes, “breakfast is almost ready.”
The nightmare was pushed out of his mind as he once again realized there was nothing he could do; more so, he had other things to be getting on with. Sirius smiled at his brother; it was downright cute how excited Regulus was about Hogwarts. He had to admit he was excited about going back himself. He couldn’t wait to see James, Peter, and Remus. It seemed like ages since he’d seen James and Peter in Devonshire at the Potters’ even though it had only been three weeks. He felt a little reassurance because he knew he’d also see Andromeda at school…at least, he hoped.
“I’m getting up,” Sirius said as he pulled the duvet back and hopped out of bed. Regulus made a strangled sound and Sirius turned back to look at him. His brother started to giggle, then lay back on Sirius’ bed wiggling around like a lunatic.
“What in blazes are you doing?” Sirius asked with a small laugh.
“It’s Josie!” Regulus giggled again.
“Where is she?”
“In my pocket!”
Regulus did a little wiggle as he pulled a tiny toad from his trousers. Sirius laughed as he pulled his school uniform out of his wardrobe and started to dress while Regulus put his toad on top of the bed and watched it hop around.
“I still ask how you know it’s a girl frog,” Sirius said.
“It’s not a frog, it’s a toad. And I just know,” Regulus answered haughtily.
“Because you’re an authority on frogs or something?”
“Toads,” Regulus corrected.
“Whatever,” Sirius shrugged.
The day before, he, Regulus, and their mother had spent the day in Diagon Alley collecting all their school supplies. Sirius only needed new school trousers, but his mother bought him all new shirts and jumpers as well, saying he needed to look (and start acting) like a Black. Regulus needed everything: wand, quills, parchment, cauldron, uniform, cloaks (two, one for now and one for winter with warm wool lining), and since Sirius already had an owl, Raven, Regulus decided on a toad. He’d even gotten his own broom, a Nimbus 1001, which was a newer model than Sirius’. Sirius didn’t mind, though; he didn’t really care much for Quidditch. Sure he liked watching it, but he wasn’t as mental about it as his brother; Regulus was dangerously obsessed about the game.
“Sirius?”
“Huh?” Sirius asked easily, combing his overly-long hair in the mirror by his wardrobe and grabbing his tie (which he’d kept knotted from the end of last school year) off a hook, then pulling it over his head.
“Mother says…” he paused. “Mother’s been saying some…things about you.”
Sirius turned his head around and looked at his brother.
“What do you mean?”
“Well,” Regulus treaded lightly, “she says you’re a disgrace to the family.”
“What? Since when?”
“Well, you’re a Gryffindor,” Regulus answered plainly.
“So?” Sirius said. From what he’d sussed, his parents had accepted the fact that there was a Black in Gryffindor. Sure, he’d had a good talking to and he had heard all the lectures and all, but that didn’t change the fact of who he was, where he was sorted, or the fact that he was still their son. And his father had been proud of him for being in the Slug Club “ at least he thought.
“And you’re mates with Mudblo…Muggleborns, too.”
“So what?” Sirius asked.
“Well, look what happened with…” Regulus stopped abruptly.
“Andromeda?”
“You’re not to speak her name!” Regulus’s eyes grew wide with fear.
“Why not? Andromeda’s our cousin,” Sirius argued, deliberately using her name again.
“Sirius!”
“You’re an idiot, Regulus.”
“I’m not!”
“Are! You believe anything anyone tells you!”
“I do not!”
“You do!”
“Well…I-I’m not supposed to trust you anymore.”
“What! Why not?”
“Because, Sirius,” Regulus stated, exasperated. “You’re mates with Mudbloods, and Mudbloods aren’t to be trusted.”
“Muggleborns!”
“Sorry! Muggleborns, I mean. Mother and Father say that contact with them is dangerous.”
“None of my mates are dangerous! The Potters are the coolest family I ever met!”
“I know, but that’s what you say. Mother and Father say different.”
“Mother and Father are wrong, Regulus.”
“How do you know?”
Sirius stopped, gob-smacked. How did he know?
“Well…” Regulus stammered. “I’m afraid, Sirius. I-I don’t want to be a disgrace, too.”
“It’s not a disgrace to be a Gryffindor,” Sirius argued. “How is that a disgrace?”
“Father says Gryffindors are weak.”
“Gryffindors are brave!”
“That’s not what Mother says,” Regulus answered haughtily. “And Father says that to be Slytherin is to be the best! I want to be the best, Sirius!”
“You’ll never be the best if you can’t think for yourself!”
“I can think for myself!”
Sirius laughed, “Yeah, right!”
“I just don’t want Mother and Father disappointed with me, and I definitely don’t want to be booted out of the family!”
“Like Andromeda…”
“Sirius! Mother and Father said not to speak her name,” Regulus said angrily.
“Mother says, Father says,” Sirius said in a sing-song voice, and Regulus blushed. “So you’d rather be with Bella and Cissy in Slytherin than in Gryffindor with me?”
“No!”
“You don’t even want to try to be in the same house as your own brother?” Sirius was angry, but also a little hurt.
“Yes I do, Sirius!”
“You just said you want to be in Slytherin!”
“I know, but”I-I’m just confused!”
“Which is it then?” Sirius asked.
“I don’t know!” Regulus faltered.
“Well, you’d better bloody well figure it out quickly,” Sirius said scathingly, grabbing his trunk and pulling it out of his room, leaving Regulus behind.
*
They got to the station later than their mother wanted and she was in an extremely foul mood because of it. She doted on Regulus more so than usual and it was getting on Sirius’ nerves. He was still angry about Regulus’ revelation that their parents thought he was a worthless son and he found himself overly sensitive to his mother’s indulgences towards Regulus “ asking if he had his books, his cauldron, his toad, and looking down at him so proudly - as the little twerp smiled up at her. He didn’t remember her being so helpful last year when he was sent off.
Mrs. Black then came over to her oldest son and began straightening his tie; suddenly Sirius caught sight of Remus and his parents on the other end of the platform. Remus met his eyes and gave a smile and a big wave. Suddenly aware of his mother’s gaze towards the Lupins, Sirius ignored his friend and instead averted his eyes, as if he’d not noticed. Mrs. Black glared down at her son.
“Sirius, I want you to find Bellatrix the moment you board that train, do you understand?” she commanded.
“Yes, Ma’am,” Sirius said.
“Regulus is your charge and you’re to look after him until you get to Hogwarts.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“You may see your…friends…when you get to school, but until Regulus is in the care of the,” she coughed slightly, “capable hands of the staff, you are to watch over him.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
She looked down at him as if examining a particularly difficult purchase. Then her stern face and piercing grey eyes softened slightly and she smiled down at him, placing her hand on his cheek.
“Make us proud, Sirius.”
“Yes, Mother,” he forced a small smile.
*
Once in the narrow train corridor, Sirius guided Regulus, hand on his shoulder, down the hall and through the other students to find his friends’ compartment. He knew he had just promised their mother, but he didn’t care. There was no harm in spending the long train ride with his mates, and anyway, the blossoming feeling of freedom from Grimmauld Place had given Sirius a sudden burst of rebelliousness.
They finally happened upon them in the last car, and when Sirius slid the compartment door open Regulus involuntarily gasped.
“Sirius! Mother said we’re supposed to find Bella and Cissy!”
“Mother’s not here now, is she?” Sirius smirked.
He pushed Regulus inside the compartment and followed; as he entered he found James sitting facing Remus and Peter, who were exchanging halves of homemade packed sandwiches.
“Hello, mate!” James quipped. “Long time no see, aye?”
“I can see you’re still as freckled as ever,” Sirius laughed.
Good ole James…He was as brown as Sirius from the few weeks in the summer the friends had spent together. Mrs. Potter had joked that Sirius, with his dark hair, could have been mistaken for her own son, but thanks to the freckles that always appeared on James’ nose during the sunny summer months, they’d most likely have no problem remembering who to send back home at the end of the visit.
“Hello to you, too, Squire,” James said to Regulus.
Regulus was pouting and pointedly ignored James, so Sirius gave him one more good shove inwards, where he sat and immediately stared out the window, as Sirius took a seat between the other two.
“Hi, Sirius,” Peter said through a mouthful of egg salad.
“’Lo, Pete,” Sirius said, then nodded at Remus. “Hey, Remus.”
Remus gave Sirius a small, expressionless nod, and then looked back down at his lap.
Sirius suddenly felt a wave of guilt and shame wash over him. Why had he ignored Remus on the platform? What was the point? All Remus did was wave… But his mum was right there, and he was too chicken to wave back.
Gryffindors are brave.
His own words rang in his head from the row he’d had with Regulus this morning. Sirius felt his face flush and told himself he’d make it up to Remus later. Remus deserved an apology. Remus was a good friend, Muggleborn or not.
The compartment door slid back open and three girls appeared.
“Oh, wonderful, this one’s full too,” Lily Evans moaned.
“There’s enough room,” Peter said suddenly, yet sweetly, a bit of egg falling from the corner of his mouth.
“There is?” James and Sirius asked in unison, along with a black-haired girl who pulled a face as she followed the bit of egg that fell from Peter’s mouth and finally came to rest on the cabin floor.
“Lily, just go in, we’ll have to manage,” Violet Waters piped in from the corridor.
“It’s Potter and Black, Violet,” Lily said. “I’m not spending the entire train ride cooped up with them!”
“Would you rather we sit in the hallway?” Violet asked sarcastically.
Lily gave a huge, suffering sigh and walked in.
“Budge up,” she ordered.
“Go find somewhere else to sit, Evans. There’s not enough room in here for you,” James said.
“There is nowhere else, so budge up!” Lily repeated.
James stretched out his legs and crossed his arms over his chest, making himself comfortable and taking up as much room as possible. “You’re telling us the entire train is full?”
“Seems that way.” The black-haired girl pushed her way in and sat down next to Remus.
“Potter, stop being such a prat and move over,” Lily sighed.
“Regulus can sit on the floor,” Sirius said suddenly.
“What?” Regulus whipped his head around and pulled a face at his brother.
“You’re a firsty, sit on the bloody floor.”
*
All ended with enough room for everyone, although it was quite cramped: The boys on one seat, four across, Regulus on the floor leaning against the wall under the window at Sirius’ feet, and the three girls facing them on the opposite seat.
The cabin was quiet, each boy trying desperately not to look at each girl and each girl doing the same. Sirius looked down at Regulus, still in the midst of a good pout. He looked like a little, stuck-up Pureblood. Sirius knew that look. Regulus was scared, but he wasn’t going to let it show; that’s how he got. Sirius vaguely wondered if that’s how he looked on his first day last year.
“Remus, how’s your mum?” Peter asked suddenly.
Remus, pointedly shocked at the sudden question, answered quietly, “She’s much better, ta.”
“What was wrong with her?” James inquired.
“Uh…oh…um, just sometimes she has stomach problems,” Remus said off-handedly. Sirius noticed he looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. Remus was really shy around girls and stuff, and he was probably still angry at him as well.
“You missed out on a lot,” Peter said. “Too bad.”
“Yeah,” James said with a smile, “there’s always next summer, aye?”
Remus gave a small smile and looked somewhat relieved.
The compartment was sheathed in an awkward silence, so much so that each time someone broke it with words, everyone nearly jumped.
“You two look startlingly alike,” Lily said to Sirius, looking down at his brother, then back up to him.
“They’re brothers, Evans,” James said sarcastically. “Did you think they’d not?”
Lily gave James a look.
“Well, if you must know,” Lily said. “My sister and I look nothing alike. And my name is Lily.”
“Well, Evans, did I ask what your sister looks like?” James said.
“You’re impossible,” she answered with a roll of her eyes.
Sirius had to hide his smile. James was good at annoying Evans; it had become somewhat of a game last year and it seemed to have continued on this term.
“Sirius, you can’t let your brother just sit on the floor the entire train ride,” the girl with straight black hair was saying.
Sirius looked to Regulus, then up to the black-haired girl and asked, nonplussed, “Who are you?”
He wasn’t really trying to be funny, but he heard James snort a laugh.
“Lucy,” the girl replied.
“Are you new?” Sirius asked.
“No,” Lucy looked at Sirius like he was off his nut. “I was in classes with you all last year.”
“Lucy’s my best friend,” Lily added.
“I thought Violet was your best friend?” Sirius said, pointing to Violet.
“She is, but so is Lucy,” Lily answered matter-of-factly.
“You can’t have two best friends,” Sirius said haughtily. “That’s stupid.”
“Who says?” Lily challenged him.
Sirius glared at her as Violet asked, “Peter, what are you doing?”
“I think there’s something in my trousers!”
“Sirius!” Regulus spoke finally. “I can’t find Josie!”
*
When the commotion had finally died down and Josie the Toad was once again safe in Regulus’ possession and out of Peter’s trousers, the girls took turns admiring the toad.
“She’s so cute; where did you get her?” Lily asked.
“Magical Menagerie in Diagon Alley,” Regulus answered.
“How do you know she’s a girl frog?” Violet asked.
“She just is,” Regulus said with a smile and a shrug.
“Just admit it, Reg, you don’t know for sure,” Sirius said with a laugh.
“I do,” Regulus argued.
“You can’t tell,” Sirius said.
“You can,” Lucy piped in. “Girl toads are larger, about twice the size of the males. They also have posterior extensions…”
“Posterior whats?” Sirius asked, perplexed.
“Little tails on their bums,” Lucy explained as she rolled her eyes at Sirius’s apparent stupidity. She then continued, “Females also lack the sticky coating on their forearms and they are also quieter, because they lack the vocal resonating sacs the boy toads have to make a mating call and…”
“You talk too much,” Sirius said bluntly.
Lucy looked gob-smacked, then, recovering slightly, stuck out her tongue, to which Sirius replied by sticking his right back at her.
“Well, I think she’s cute, and I love her name,” Violet said.
“Why did you name her Josie?” Lily asked, and Sirius noticed Regulus blush.
“After a chaser for Puddlemere United,” Regulus explained shyly.
“Joscelind Wadcock?” James asked, suddenly interested in the conversation.
Sirius elbowed James. “Regulus has a crush on her.”
“I do not!” Regulus argued. “She’s an ace chaser is all.”
“You like Puddlemere?” James asked.
“Yes,” Regulus answered.
“You actually like Quidditch?” James asked.
“Yes,” Regulus answered.
“No, I mean, really like Quidditch?” James quipped.
“Best sport in the world!” Regulus smiled.
James elbowed Sirius back and said with a smirk, “I think I’ll trade you in for your brother.”
*
At one point during the ride, the girls scrunched together so Regulus could sit with them. Sirius could tell his brother was enjoying all the attention. He had to smirk because he knew once Regulus got to know his mates he’d think they were cool to. He had sussed that Regulus had already forgot about the Muggleborn discussion from earlier and was downright enjoying himself now “ smiling and laughing while the girls fussed over Josie the Toad.
That was, until the door to their compartment slid open and there stood Bella, flanked by her sixth-year friends. She quickly surveyed the room, then, with a look of someone who’d just had Limburger under the nose, she sneered.
“Regulus, you’re sitting with filthy Mudbloods.”
The girls involuntarily gasped at the sudden interruption and the shocking look of Bellatrix Black’s angry face. Regulus scrambled to sit up straight and quickly snatched Josie from Violet’s lap, a blush washing across his suddenly guilt-ridden face.
“What’s a Mudblood?” Lily asked, slightly annoyed but unmistakably a little frightened by Bellatrix.
Bellatrix rolled her eyes and said, “Sirius, tell your ginger girlfriend that she’s a filthy little Mudblood, and not to ever speak to me directly again.”
Lily, shocked, started to stand up, but Violet pulled her back down, whispering, “Lily, don’t…that’s Bellatrix Black.”
“Why you…” James started, but Sirius interrupted.
“She’s a Muggleborn, Bella, and not my girlfriend, so why don’t you just bugger off?” Sirius replied.
“I’m not going anywhere without Regulus, cousin,” she said haughtily.
“He’s fine in this compartment,” Sirius told her sternly. He glanced at Regulus, who looked down at the floor as soon as Sirius caught his eye.
“He’s not fine, and I have strict orders from your mother to come fetch him,” she said.
Regulus stood.
“Sit down!” Sirius commanded.
Regulus glanced at him, then to Bella, then back to him. He looked confused and scared to go with Bella.
“Regulus,” Sirius said more gently. “Sit down.”
Regulus started to sit when there was a tap at the window; it was Raven, Sirius’s owl, carrying an unmistakable red letter.
*
The Howler still ringing in his ears and the anger of what went down in the compartment finally starting to subside, Sirius sat with his mates at the Gryffindor table for the Sorting Feast.
“Don’t worry, mate,” Peter said with a hand on his shoulder.
“Yeah,” James added, “he’s your brother, Sirius, and Squire’s a good kid. He’ll be alright.”
Even Remus nodded his agreement.
Feeling a little better, the four of them sat down pointedly far away from Lily, Violet, and Lucy, the three girls having been thoroughly put out by what ended up as a disastrous journey from King’s Cross.
The Great Hall wooden doors suddenly burst open and Professor McGonagall lead the procession of new first years up to the front by the staff table. Sirius found Regulus as he strode by the Gryffindor table, but Regulus did not see him. He looked so small compared to some of the other students.
Professor McGonagall ordered the new students around the front, arranging them around the three legged stool before beginning her instructions.
“Now, when I call your name, you will come and sit on the stool and I shall place the Sorting Hat on your head.” She slowly unrolled the parchment containing the names.
There was a gentle murmur among the House tables and Sirius remembered how nervous he had been last year at this time. So many things suddenly surged through his mind “ two years ago, sitting in the tree in the garden on that particularly windy October day when they talked about Hogwarts, and how Regulus was so jealous that Sirius was leaving; then last New Years at their cousins’, and Regulus being bullied and beaten by those other boys when Sirius wasn’t there to protect him; and this past summer, finding Regulus sitting up in the attic, scared and alone and happy that Sirius was there to help him and protect him; and then…
“Black, Regulus.”
Sirius sat straight up, inhaling a deep breath, eyes focused on his brother as he slid up onto the stool. Professor McGonagall placed the hat on his head. Regulus was so small that the hat slid down over his ears, half hiding his face and eyes. The seconds ticked by and it seemed like an eternity, until finally the hat yelled out:
“Slytherin!”