“So. Where have you been all evening?” James asked blandly, trying to imply that he’d been in this very chair all night.
Lily tossed her auburn hair back. “Just studying Potions.”
Oh, bloody hell, of course. Potions. Lily was Slughorn’s best student ever, to listen to him, and Snape was not far behind, presumably on Lily’s coattails even if they hadn’t shared a cauldron in class in years. They were sneaking off together to study. They bloody well better have been studying. The idea of coming in second to -- that -- made James feel worse than the sliming spell had. He clenched his teeth. “With Snivelly, by any chance?”
“Whatever would make you say that?” she said in a light tone that would have fooled him if he hadn’t been almost an eyewitness.
“I figured it out, Evans. You’ve been sneaking off to meet with him for “ what, years now? Presto, two brilliant Potions students, and one can’t stand to see the other get whatever he deserves.”
Lily studied him with a cold expression that suddenly seemed distressingly familiar. “It isn’t as one-sided as all that. And how did you figure this out? Something sneaky, perhaps? A little spying?”
Damn and double damn. She was absolutely right, of course, and was using exactly the words he and his friends had been using to describe Snape’s behaviour for years. Denials now would only doom him further. “And you didn’t trust me enough to just tell me? Think how much trouble you could have saved everyone, him included, with a little more honesty.”
“Why on earth would I trust you enough to tell you something like that? When have you ever done anything that would convince me you’d pay the least attention? And why did it take the allegedly brightest student in Hogwarts six years to figure out he should quit being a bullying fathead for one full minute and pay some attention to what he was doing? Was I not supposed to notice that being seen within shouting distance of my friend usually made something bad happen to him? That didn’t make me think saying anything to you was going to do a bit of good.” Lily was in full flow now, and getting in words was beyond even James’ skill at interrupting or deflecting her anger. “And as long as we’re on the subject, what did you do this evening, exactly, that made him half an hour late with a complete snarled explanation of ‘Potter’?”
Up until that last bit, James had been willing to admit she had a point. He would have assumed Lily was only taking pity on Snape, and that he was only taking advantage of her. He had assumed that the time she spent with Snape previously had been at Slughorn’s request, and that her interferences with the Marauders’ pranks had been pure noble-headed spoilsporting. But to suggest that he, James, was the only one to blame in that ongoing war of wills… “I didn’t so much as shoot a spark at him! I couldn’t! He’d done something vile from behind me, and repaid anything he might possibly have owed me. So if he was in some sort of temper, you’d best ask him about it because he bloody well won.”
Lily looked acutely skeptical. “Are you certain?”
James snorted. “Well, let’s see. I was the one stuck in one place, up to my neck in ectoplasm, getting grilled as to my intentions, and he was the one who was snide, cryptic, and free as a lark. What do you think? He won? I say he won. He does, sometimes, you know.” He waited. “Oh, come on, not even a crumb of sympathy?”
Lily glared at him. “Not until I know exactly where you were and what you were doing.”
Blast. In the course of things, he’d forgotten to make up a good lie. Now he was stuck with only the best possible truth. “I saw you going off by yourself, and with prats like Aubrey and “ Rosier about, I thought I’d follow and watch your back. So I was standing around on the seventh floor wondering where you’d got to, and suddenly realized nobody was watching my back “ except your mate Snape.”
Lily’s expression hadn’t let up in the slightest. “Next time you want to ‘watch my back,’ let me know you’re there, all right? Then it’s a bit less like spying on me.”
“Next time tell me what you’re up to instead of sneaking off,” he snapped back, thoroughly out of temper by now and somehow still keeping himself from shouting here in the middle of the Common Room.
“So you can lie in wait properly?” she accused.
“So I can feel you’re off to study with a friend instead of doing something worth sneaking for. So I can feel a little less like I came in second. So I can feel as though you trust me. Good enough?”
“Trust you? I mostly do, James. Just “ not with that.” She still looked angry, but also rather sad. “Not after six years of telling you to lay off him. I do love you. Don’t make me choose whether to love you or keep that friendship.”
She hadn’t said she loved James before. This wasn’t the context he’d had in mind when he’d dreamed of her saying it. He hadn’t thought he’d be this angry with her when she said it. “Why the hell not?”
“Because --” She stopped and shook her head, her hair falling into her face. “You really can’t figure it out yourself, can you?”
James hated to feel this lost, and hated to feel that his stupidity might just be enough to lose him what he had so recently and miraculously gained. “I’m sorry. I really can’t.”
Lily sighed. She was looking at him as though he were dense, but that was better than looking as though she hated him. “Example. Sirius is from a pretty awful family, right?”
James nodded. That was one of the first things he’d learned of Sirius “ from Snape, come to think of it.
“But he has you and Remus and Peter. And that helps, doesn’t it?”
James nodded again, puzzled.
“Now, in your head, take Remus and Peter away. They never joined the group. They never liked him “ maybe you, but not him. It’s just you and Sirius. Got it?”
It wasn’t easy, but he tried. No steady, sensible Remus for them to run with at the full moon. No nervous, shy Peter who seemed to love Sirius so much. For Sirius, only James.
“Is that well in your head? Good. Now.” She leaned in close. “I’ve never understood what you see in that dodgy friend of yours, Black,” she said evenly, her green eyes boring into him. “He goes or I do.”
James looked for the hint of a joke. “You didn’t really mean that, did you? I mean, we’re still hypothetical here, right?”
Lily raised an eyebrow, and James was suddenly unsure whether she had learned the expression from Snape or the other way around. If she didn’t mean what she had just said, she was an awfully good actress.
He realized he was looking for an answer that would satisfy her without committing to anything. That was no good. He didn’t have the talent for it. “I’m sorry. I have trouble thinking the unthinkable.”
Lily’s mouth usually had the hint of a smile lurking about the corners, but not now. “And there’s the problem in a nutshell.”
“I mean, Sirius isn’t…” There were a lot of ways to end that sentence, and none of them would do him any good.
The eyebrow lifted slightly higher.
“Okay, I don’t pretend to understand how you can be saying it, but at least I see what you’re saying. You can keep your awful friend if I can keep mine.”
Lily grinned suddenly. He must have passed. “Silly boy. I like Sirius “ most of the time.”
“You mean, when he’s not testing out his newest invention on your friends? In fairness, he’s used all of your friends at one time or another.”
“He has. And that’s precisely what I meant. Now go get that cloak of yours. I think I know a better use for it.”
That sounded promising. However “ “Did it ever occur to you that I might still be a little miffed at you?”
“Are you? Can you really stay angry at a pretty face like this?” She gave him her most winning smile from behind her curtain of hair.
“Absolutely. Of course. Definitely.”
“You’re a lousy liar, James Potter.”