Disclaimer: We do not own anything in this, but I do have a nice selection of fruit in my kitchen.
It was a mid-summer night when Harry decided to go downstairs from his personal prison cell at the Dursley’s and make dinner. Nobody but him was home, so he knew he could risk it. Hey! Why not? he thought. And so he went…
By the time he got downstairs, he knew what he wanted to eat; it was something he hadn’t had in a long, long time “ RICE! It was daring; he was brave. It was devious; so was he. (A/N: Well, not really, but it works.) As he turned into the kitchen from the hallway, he stopped. He stood there shocked. It was mysterious. It was weird. It was sitting there on the table staring right at him! IT WAS THE RICE!
What was it doing here? Why was it already cooked? Why was it staring at him like that?
Eyeing it carefully, Harry walked over to it and stared right back. He wasn’t going to let it get the better of him…or tackle him while his back was turned…while smothered in cod-liver oil. He stared. It stared. He stared more. It stared back “ more.
Then, Harry heard a loud rumbling noise. A plane? No. Thunder? No, there’s no storm… Oh wow! My stomach! I guess the rice is getting the better of me. It’s just so suspicious. Hold on! I got an idea!
Harry sat before the rice and opened his mouth to speak, “Hi.”
“…”
“How are you today?”
“…”
“Why so silent? Huh? Huh?”
“…”
“Oh, I know you’re devious. I know you’re evil. But I’m on to you!”
“…”
“Oh the silent type, eh?”
“…”
“Yeah, sure.”
“…”
“It’s always the silent type you have to worry about.”
“‘Constant vigilance’ I’ve always been told,” Harry heard grumbled from behind him.
Harry looked at the rice in amazement. “Holy shnikey!” It does speak!”
“No you idiot! Turn around!”
He did what he was told and was immensely shocked to find Snape standing there in the kitchen.
“Hey! So what about my rice, huh?” Harry asked.
“It’s just rice. You know “ inanimate. It’s not going to attack you.”
“How do you know?”
“Trust me, I know.”
“How? Have you ever seen rice this suspicious? I doubt it. I’m not going to let it kill me.”
“It won’t. It’s just grains.”
“Oh… kay…”
“Just eat it and watch.”
“You first.”
“Gladly.”
And so Snape ate.
And ate.
He tried to stop, but he just couldn’t. He looked to be struggling, and his face was slowly turning various colors (i.e. the color of a radish), but Harry couldn’t figure out why. So he asked.
“Why are you struggling with the rice, and why is your face slowly turning various colors (i.e. the color of a radish)?”
Snape opened his rice-filled mouth and tried to speak, “Umph. Iz ebil. It wunt stop. Afffffffffffffffffffffff!” Snape ran.
So Harry turned to the plate and pointed a finger! “I KNEW IT!”
And so the moral of this story is: you should never trust inanimate objects when they are clearly devious and evil and stick red socks in your washer machine that is filled with all white clothes, now turning them pink (also known as “dark.” I mean the evil objects not the pink clothes. Those are still light, but pink.)
Therefore, there are only two words to live by: “CONSTANT VIGILANCE!”
Penguins: *in various pitches* La. La. La.
Sarah: *makes flute noises*
Kris: *says corny joke* I sa-flute you *with hand to forehead making a sweeping motion down*
Chipmunks: *dance*
Harry: *looks confused*
Ron: *scratches head in confusion*
Hermione: I’m confused.
Ginny: How’d we get here and what is the point of this?
Hermione: Aren’t you confused?
Ginny: Sure.
Sarah: We are trying to beat the world record of BRUSSELS SPROUTS UP THE NOSE! *say with an emphasis on “up”*
Band: *makes noises*
Story: *is over*
Sarah: *sings* Brussels sprouts
Brussels sprouts: *in bored voice while residing in someone’s nose* Ahhhhh…
Hermione: And then the carrots said, “Help me! Help me!” And those tomatoes kept on attacking! And so what if the carrots keep on sniffing those rabbit nails?
Ron: *to Harry* Do rabbits have nails?
Harry: Well, they do now.
Ron: Yay!
Hermione: Just because they like the smell of freshly painted nails, doesn’t mean those rotten tomatoes have to spoil the fun because that’s just so MEAN and pessimistic and just darn “ ROTTEN! So, then they told them to hand over the paintbrush, and when the carrots resisted, they got tackled by onions! So then “
Ron: *groans* Hermione “
Hermione: But then she “ the warrior cauliflower head “ took an asparagus spear and fought with it like that one guy on that one show that fought with those stupid giant cotton swabs.
Harry: I love that episode.
Ron: Me too, mate. Me too.
Hermione: And when the bananas came, those darn discriminating potatoes on motorcycles said, “Get away, you FRUIT!” And that’s when I “
Ron: Hermione? Hermione? What are you on about?
Harry: Should we stop her?
Ron: Nah…
Hermione: So when the carrots pointed out that the tomatoes where fruit too, the potatoes “ get this “ phoned the radishes and said “
Ron: HERMIONE! SHUT UP!
Hermione: No, that’s not it. They actually said “
Harry: *leaves to go get popcorn*
Ron: *dances a war dance around Hermione to see if she reacts*
Hermione: *doesn’t* And that actually reminds me of what the cantaloupes did last Thursday. Queen Seedmuffin *coughs* went over to the “
Harry: *comes back with popcorn and some senior citizens in tow (with cameras and Hawaiian shirts, of course)*
Ron: *raises eyebrow in Harry’s direction*
Harry: Hey! What can I say? How many times do you actually see Hermione so frazzled? We could sell tickets!
All people mentioned above that are in this story (except for Hermione, who’s still in her own little world): *hears a cough*
Those Said People: *turn towards cough location*
The Cougher: *is some random person that sold tickets to people so that they could see the uncommon show of seeing Hermione so frazzled, and also doesn’t really need to be identified at this point in time. Just remember: this person sold a jolly good amount of people tickets so they could see the uncommon sight of seeing Hermione so frazzled.*
Hermione: *continues rambling about veggie and fruit wars in which we really don’t care about*
Ron: NO! HERMIONE! YOU FAILED ALL YOUR CLASSES!
Hermione: *freezes* What?
Ron: Absolutely nothing.
Hermione: Oh, ok. Then, the rampaging rutabagas took hold of the jicama and started to beat the beets upside the head. So vulgar! But luckily, the cabbage came and “
Ron: *bashes head into hard objects*
Harry: So ironic, mate.
Ron:*suddenly wakes up and realizes it was all a dream. Then sighs.*
Ron: *walks down to the common room to see Harry and Hermione sitting there*
Harry: So Hermione, how was your Christmas break?
Hermione: Well, it was good, but my parents and I went to a fair and when we turned the street we saw tomatoes standing over defenseless carrots who were screaming,” Help me! Help me!” and “
Ron: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! *runs like a defenseless carrot being ambushed by a tomato*
Harry: *turns to Hermione* So ironic, mate.
A/N: Please review! Oh, and the next chapter will include Mallory the Wonder Llama, a tutu, and men's night out....