Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere.
Lily and James Potter lived in a world of fear. Every word they spoke was quiet and respectful, as if they were being eavesdropped, every meal they ate was consumed quickly as if it was their last. With every knock on the heavy wooden door of their warm, small cottage a shock of panic fluttered through them, as the thought, It could be him at the door, echoed through their head. The teasing light in James's hazel eyes was clouded with concern for his wife and baby son, Harry. Lily's normally bright green eyes dulled with the thought of leaving the house she loved, leaving the life she loved, leaving the son she loved alone in the world. Both Potters knew death would soon be knocking at their door, both figuratively and literally.
James Potter stood in the living room, trying to peer out in the darkness on the silent Halloween night. Something in his conscience stirred, and he felt more uneasy than usual. Something isn’t right, he thought slowly. Yet he couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong. Sighing, he glanced almost against his will at Lily, his young and beautiful bride, standing on the other side of the room by the blue bassinet, cradling Harry. Like many of the past evenings, the silence hung heavily on the room. James felt overflowing with spontaneous and wild thoughts and phrases, all meaning, “I love you!” that he wished to say to Lily. But he didn’t know how to bring it up.
James didn’t know what to do. Ever since he found out Voldemort was after them, he had tried to keep the fear out of his life. Professor Dumbledore had warned them against living in fear, yet at the same time had told them without the best protection, they wouldn’t have more than a year to live. Even though the proper security methods had been undertaken, James knew he and Lily’s time together with Harry was limited. He wanted to share with her all that he thought of her, all the wonderful things he knew of her, but to bring it up was to bring out his fear. Lily was too beautiful, too perfect, and too peaceful for that.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, Lily was facing a furious dilemma inside. On one hand, she wanted to hug James, tell him that everything was going to be okay. She had seen the tightness in his stand, the force in his smile. She knew, more than everything, he was afraid and would never admit it. She wanted to be the heroine like she was in school, the brave and charming Lily Evans who was brave for James, brave for Harry, and ultimately saved the day. Yet she knew that Lily was far, far away from the one that clutched her beautiful son to her chest.
More than anything, Lily wanted her old self back. She yearned for the Lily that had smiled in the face of danger and laughed at the simplest jokes. She wished to be the Lily that was the pride of her parents, the apple of her teachers’ eyes, and the most popular girl in school. That Lily never cried. Lily wished she hadn’t gotten so involved in this war, and wished she hadn’t seen as much suffering. Someone has got to try and stop Voldemort, she remembered thinking when she had joined the Order of the Pheonix. Why can’t it be me? Lily was proud of the contributions she had made in the war against Voldemort, but angry at herself for letting it take the toll it had taken on everything in her life. Now, she and James were like silent strangers, waiting proudly and defiantly for the deaths that were surely coming while inside they crumbled.
“Lily,” James said softly in a rather frightened voice. Lily looked up quickly, fear in her eyes.
“What?” she asked, hastily and severely, as her heart pounded painfully.
“Something’s not right,” James finally said. “Wormtail hasn’t left a message in over a day. I think the Death Eaters got him.”
Lily placed Harry down in his bassinet gently, and slowly walked over to James as if in a daze. “He may just have forgotten,” Lily said in a wavering voice as she grabbed on to James’s strong, muscular arm. Yet in her heart, she knew that was a lie.
“I guess this is it,” James said slowly, in a voice poisoned with forced toughness.
Lily felt there was something she had to do; she knew she should say something. Yet words couldn’t come against the wall of sobs that tried to burst through her throat. Finally, she asked, “Isn’t there anything we could do? To escape, or something.”
“There’s no way,” James whispered. “I mean, we could fly, but I know by experience if you get hit by even a simple curse while on a broomstick, you don’t have a shot of surviving. Snape tried when we were in fifth year. And we could Apparate, but what will we do with Harry? Babies aren’t allowed to Side-Along Apparate. Remember in that parenting course we did, they shared all those gruesome stories about people who splinched their kids?”
Lily sighed and glanced over at Harry. She would rather die then risk the life of her only son. “It’s so sad,” she said softly, “that he’s going to die, too. He’s only a year old. He hasn’t even had a chance at life.”
James tried to smile, but it looked more like a grimace. “Maybe he’ll survive,” he said.
“Right,” Lily snorted. “No one’s ever survived after Voldemort decided to kill them. What makes you think a baby will survive? We’re just the next victims.”
“Remember the prophecy?” asked James.
“Like you believe that,” retorted Lily. There was a long pause, as James thought about what was happening to them. They were dying. He still couldn’t believe it.
Lily felt nothing but numb. She was supposed to feel fear, the part of her brain not shocked into silence told her. She wanted to be scared, wanted to feel fear. In this numb state, she felt nothing- no hope, no fear, no love. Her feelings were supposed to be complex, yet she felt absolutely nothing. She would welcome pain against this blank, empty state. Most of all, Lily wanted to feel love again.
James couldn’t comprehend his feelings either. He was scared, that he knew. He wasn’t scared of death or pain. What he feared the most was never seeing Lily or Harry again. He knew he wouldn’t be able to defend his family against Voldemort. Many fought against him, but no one ever won. He glanced at Lily, almost against his will. Was this the last time he would take in her gentle shape, her beautiful smile, her shining red hair? The next time he gazed into the expressive almond-shaped emerald eyes, would they be sparkling as they were now, or would they be empty and lifeless?
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time to spare,
Time to look, time to care,
Someday!
Somewhere.
We'll find a new way of living,
We'll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere.
Lily placed her other, thin shaking arm around James’s tense back. “What are we supposed to do?” she asked uncertainly.
“A lot we shouldn’t do in front of a baby,” replied James with a hint of his old smile and wit.
Lily forced a laugh. Her mind was completely blank, tense with fear. Without realizing what she was saying, she voiced aloud, “We couldn’t. There would be nothing in it. There’s no love left, just fear.” She reddened as she realized she had thoughtlessly spoke out loud. That was always one of my weaknesses, she thought sadly. I wish I could have changed that before I died.
James had a look of a puppy that had been slapped in his hazel eyes. “Of course there’s love left, right? I love you.”
“And I love you, too,” Lily replied softly. She felt the strongest desire to revert her mistake and show James she loved him, but she didn’t know how.
“So what do you mean, there’s no love left?” James asked. I’m dying and all she’s decided to tell me now that she hates me?! In the part of his mind that felt something other than numb, he was hurt in a way he couldn’t believe. James Potter didn’t feel pain.
“I mean I don’t feel love anymore. No, not just for you-“ she interjected quickly, seeing the pained expression that had manifested itself in James’s handsome face. “It’s just,” she continued shakily, “I can’t feel love anymore. Not for you, not for Harry. I don’t feel anything but fear anymore. And I’m sorry. But that’s the way it is.”
James’s sharp anger melted instantly. He wanted to take the love of his life in his arms like he had done so many times in the past, but when he tried to move his arms, they felt heavy and awkward. “I love you so much,” he said softly, knowing the mere words couldn’t protect them from the evil that they would soon face and wishing more than everything that they would.
“James, I love you, too,” Lily said softly, “at least in words. And I’ll always love you, for the rest of my life, for the rest of eternity, forever. We’re perfect for each other. We’re just not what for here.”
“What do you mean?” James asked curiously.
“There’s a place for us, somewhere,” Lily whispered. “I mean, there has to be. We’ll have our day sometime. I just don’t think it’s in this life. I love you, you love me. We’ll find a way to get past this, somehow. I just don’t know how.”
“So,” James said, with a trace of a smile, “you’re saying, basically, I’ll meet you in heaven.”
“Now, hon,” Lily said lightly, “do you really think you’re going to heaven?”
James laughed, forgetting himself for a second, and then thought about what happened after death. He had never gone to church or temple or anything, never known a god of any kind. Back then, it seemed unimportant, but now, as he faced death, he said a silent prayer of something. He wanted to go to a good place with Lily, more than everything.
“And you think so, too?” he retorted with false lightness.
“Seriously, though,” Lily said solemnly, “we’ll get past this together. We’ll have joy, and bliss in another life, in another place. We’re made for each other. We will be together. We have to be together. Just not here.”
James couldn’t believe Lily was taking such a naïve approach on such an important matter. “Lily,” he sputtered, “we’re dying!”
“I’m sorry, I’m being too optimistic, aren’t I?” Lily asked. “It’s just so hard to be so scared and have to do everything else at the same time.”
“I know,” James said softly. “But you’ve just got to face your fears.”
Lily took a rattling gasp and suddenly burst into loud tears. She buried her damp face in James’s black robes and sobbed uncontrollably, muttering, “It’s too hard.” James enveloped her with weathered, muscular arms. It was too hard for him to see his poor wife, at the prime of her life, so small-looking and sad. He wanted to mutter words of comfort, tell her everything would be okay. But what would that be but lies? For the first time in his life, a tear rolled down James Potter’s face.
Lily looked up in wonder as she saw a single drop of water make its way down James’s pale, handsome face. He never cries, she thought numbly. James felt just as shocked. Before this, he had never cried in his life. When his father had died, he had swallowed his tears in effort to be strong for his ailing mother. When his mother contracted dragon pox a year later, his grief was so great he hadn’t been able to cry, except for the little hidden tears that sometimes crept up on him in his sleep. As he held his baby son Harry for the first time, even tears of joy wouldn’t come. And now, for the first and last time in his life, James Potter cried.
“James, be strong,” Lily muttered in a wavering voice. “Be strong for Harry. Be strong for me!” Yet as she whispered that, she knew for James to be strong she would have to be strong, too.
“I’m sorry,” James sobbed. “But, Lily, you don’t need me to be strong for you. Aren’t you strong enough for yourself?”
“I wish I was,” cried Lily. “I used to be, but then the fear came. When I found out he was after us, the fear came. I can’t be strong anymore.”
“Yes, you can,” James interjected. “You’re Lily Evans Potter. You’re strong. And-and, I love you. Isn’t that enough?”
Lily found herself bawling. “It is,” she gasped, wiping her tears. “It is. I love you, too.” Then, she fell into his arms, her tears gone.
A knock at the door broke their embrace. The sick fear, worse than ever before, rushed through Lily. Instinctively, she ran for Harry as James peeked out the window. “Lily, it’s him!” he yelled in a closed, strangled voice.
Everything was spinning. Lily’s heart pounded so hard it hurt, and her stomach clenched painfully as the one fact penetrated deep in her soul. This is it, she thought again and again. For what seemed like an eternity, the couple stood across the room, staring at each other with horror in their eyes. There’s so much to say, James thought numbly, and no time left at all.
“Take Harry and run! I’ll hold him off,” James yelled when he finally got his voice back. The tall, hooded, menacing figure he spied outside of the lace curtains pulled a wand out of its pocket. Lily looked unsure, as if she wanted to stay with James yet run for her life at the same time. “No!” she gasped. “I can’t leave you to die alone. James, death is forever!”
James shook his head. “Do it for Harry. Harry is everything! Besides, it’s not like I won’t ever see you again. There’s a place for us, where I’ll meet you. Somewhere.” For the last time the couple gave each other wan, loving smiles, then faced death, together and apart.
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and we're half way there.
Hold my hand and I'll take you there
Somehow,
Someday,
Somewhere!