Never Walk Away
23 July 1996
Grimmauld Place
It’s so dark and quiet here, but I came to be closer to him. It’s silly, really, because this was barely his home. It was his family’s home, not his for the most part. Even when we were in school, he had never felt like this was his place. Since he came back, though, I was coming to think of it as his home. It could have been ours.
This is the last place we were together “ alone together. In the kitchen, we sat at this table and laughed. I can still hear his barking laughter ringing through the house, bouncing off the walls. We talked about everything, making up for years of silent torture. So many things to tell him, ask him. I still was not done when he fell. I don’t think I ever could have been done with everything.
In the years we were apart, I did not know what to think. It was difficult to fathom how this man that I loved so much could have done this horrible thing to our best friends. I went over it in my mind so many times. Had he shown signs that he was changing? Should I have known what he was capable of? What could have driven him to murder? Was it me, did I not love him enough? Was I not good enough that he had to go to the Other Side and betray us all? I blamed myself for everything. The thing I blamed myself for most, though, was missing him and wanting him back even after all I thought he had done.
When I told him all of this, he was horrified. He had spent thirteen years blaming himself for everything as well. If he had only agreed to be the Secret Keeper, none of this would have happened. He said he often thought that if he had just come to me instead of going after Peter then we could have avenged James and Lily together. He never would have gone to prison. He could have raised Harry. We could have been a family of sorts, just as James wanted. Instead, he went off on his own and changed our lives forever. I cannot count how many times he apologized.
Once I knew the truth, after I found him again in the old Shrieking Shack, I forgave him immediately. He never really understood that he did not need to apologize. I think he felt like he ruined my life more than he ruined his own. I was just glad to have him back and know that all my worries had been unfounded.
For all those years, even though he might have been a murderer, I could never stop loving him. You can’t just stop loving someone, like turning off a switch. I tried, but I was not able to walk away from the memories. Now, in hindsight, I am so glad I never did.
Having him back was truly a gift I never expected. I tried to help ease him back into the real world, at least the world of the Order inside these walls. There was no “easing” with him, though. He wanted to be involved in everything. He demanded immediate inclusion. He said it was to help Harry, I don’t doubt that, but I think he also wished to clear his name with those who mattered most. But when it came down to it, he couldn’t help as much as he wanted. He couldn’t stand to be cooped up in this house, living the half life of an escaped prisoner. He was still a prisoner and it drove him mad.
I forced him into being patient with me, too. I don’t think that made things any better for him. At first, I think he was afraid that I was pushing him away, that I did not want him back. When he touched me, it was slow and cautious like years ago when we were just boys “ a pat on the arm, an arm around the shoulders, a brush of leg against leg. I just needed time to remember the way we were. So much had changed; I had changed over the years without him. These small things reminded me of what I had been living without for so long.
He kissed me, for the first time in a long time, in this kitchen. He had just gotten up from the table while I was at the cupboard and said, “I need to do this.” I was stunned at first and had just stared at him as though he’d gone mad. I thought perhaps I had gone mad. Grown men kissing in the kitchen like teenagers! But, that’s just it. We were teenagers again. We had been given another chance. I loved him beyond words in that moment. His messy hair and laughing eyes told me all that we could be if we only tried.
We were just starting to clean up all of our rubbish. There was so much left to clear away. He wanted to find Peter to make him pay and clear his name. He wanted to be useful and a full member of the Order. He wanted Harry to be with him. I think he just wanted to be normal and happy. We were only just starting to be happy again.
When he fell through the veil, I thought I would fall too. I stayed on my feet, though, and went to Harry. That was all I could do to keep myself together. It is what he would have wanted. I waited until I was alone to break down. The Shrieking Shack came alive again that night even though there was no full moon. It has taken everything in my power since then to not fall apart completely.
This grief is deeper than anything I’ve ever felt. It’s worse than when he went to Azkaban. The first time he went away, I could hate him and hide behind the anger of betrayal. The sorrow only came much later when the fury had worn out. Now, all I have is the sadness, which is really nothing at all. The only tangible things I have left are the memories we made together and from those I can never walk away.