Secret Keeper
Chapter 2
It was one of those situations in life where everything seemed to come to a grinding halt. Some people have related the incident to their first glorious flight on a broom, receiving their acceptance letter from Hogwarts, catching the golden Snitch, or the first time they locked eyes with the one they loved. With everything else he experienced in life, Remus doubted he would ever forget this moment. It was that precise reason which caused him to gulp. He didn’t know what to do, what to say. The only thing he could manage was to stay deathly still and silent. Any minute now, his rib cage would shatter from his fiercely beating heart. He thought for sure that Lily could hear it, and if she couldn’t then she must have been deaf.
For a few agonizingly long moments, she stood bathed in the firelight. To say it was hard not to stare at her would be a great understatement. All he wanted to do was rise from his chair, walk up to her, turn her towards him and proclaim his love in one long, blissful kiss. Instead, however, common sense and absolute fear kicked in and he merely sat and watched as the blaze transformed everything about her, turning her into a sort of nymph or angelic siren.
Her green eyes almost appeared to be glowing in the light, lit with an internal fervor that seemed to rage about her, consuming her entire body suggesting absolute loathing over something. Yet, seconds after she experienced this, she would soften to the point where she appeared to go limp. It was almost as if some unknown force she willingly surrendered to had left her vulnerable and lost. Remus watched all this, transfixed by the innumerable shades and hues in her hair and the way the light fell on her just so. All of it pierced through him and he could not find the strength to pry his eyes away. He couldn’t do anything, except stare.
Minutes ticked by like this as Remus watched a silent battle wage within Lily’s mind, the emotions displayed for all to see if they simply looked into her eyes. He now wished he could simply glance away, pack up his things, and retire. Lily belonged to James, that’s the way it was and that’s how it would be even if she were a bit stubborn and wouldn’t admit to it yet. However, right as he finally made his move and pulled the old piece of parchment close to him, Lily turned. Contrary to what his mind wanted to do, his body continued moving, traveling at such a sluggish, ambling pace it seemed as if time had slowed simply to give them enough to gaze at one another. Even as he rolled his parchment and reached for the bag beneath his feet, he looked at her. Finally, when everything had been placed in an orderly fashion inside the pack, Remus stopped and rested his arms on the table, leaning on them for support, distantly wondering how he was able to do such a thing and not falter or blush.
Then Lily smiled at him, a simple act that turned Remus to absolute jelly inside. Her eyes, once so uncertain, glittered with newfound hope and affection.
“You’re looking well,” she said casually as she strode to his table and took a seat. He vaguely noted, as he returned the smile, that it was the exact spot James occupied just hours before.
“Thank you,” he nodded. “And you?”
“I’m fine ””
“You’re not.”
She blinked at him. “What?”
“Lily, in all the years we’ve known each other, I think I’d be able to tell if something was bothering you. And there is. Now, what’s wrong?”
She gazed at him critically for a few moments, her eyes searching his, before she sighed and leaned her forehead against her hand. “You know me too well…”
“That I do. Now… is it James?”
“Again, you know me too well…” she groaned.
Remus emitted a sigh and leaned back in his seat. “If you would just give him a shot, you’ll see he’s not that bad.”
“Oh, I’ll give him a shot, alright… bang! Right through the head. Then maybe that’ll shut him up,” she snapped suddenly.
Completely astonished at her remark, it was all he could do to raise his eyebrows at her. “That was… harsh…”
“Look, Remus, I know you’re friends with him and I respect that, really I do… it’s just that.…”
“That…?”
“James Potter is a great, intolerable prick!”
“W-what?” he sputtered as the Lily he saw before, the strong-willed infuriated girl who stared so vehemently towards the fire, now did the same at the tabletop.
“That boy…” she seethed, and had her eyes been able to emit some form of energy he was sure a hole would have burnt through the table by now. “That “ boy “ simply will not cease!”
Remus took in a very deep breath and closed his eyes, somehow knowing this was coming.
“Go on,” he said calmly.
“Every day it’s the same thing,” she spouted, her words coming forth as if they had a mind of their own and needn’t be told twice what to do. “The same ogling, the same infatuation, messing his hair to make it seem like he just got off his broom, I want it all to stop. But no, I tell him so and he simply persists! He will not go away!”
“It’s kind of hard to go away when you’re both in the same house.”
Lily emitted some sort of sound that was a cross between an acknowledgement and annoyance before she turned to face him, impatience written clearly across her face. “It’s not just him!” she cried. “He’s dragging everyone else into it! Why, if I had a guess, I’d say the entire house is in on it.”
“That would mean I am too.”
“I know. That’s why I’m talking to you.” She reached out and took hold of his hand again. Remus looked down at it, his eyes wide, before returning his attention to Lily. Again, her mask fell and uncertainty shown through.
“Remus,” she said softly, her words almost cooing him. “You are the only one I can talk to who knows how to get to him, to make him stop. I can’t deal with this day in and day out. Please,” she strengthened her grasp. “Please, make him stop. I don’t know how much longer I’ll…” but she stopped, as the words had seemed to fail her.
It was then, in that one small moment of gazing into her eyes, that Remus realized what she was truly asking him to do.
“You don’t want him to stop, do you?” he whispered, his eyes penetrating deep within her.
She blinked against him. “Are you implying that I like him too?”
“Yes,” he put bluntly, his heart shattering inside as he did so. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
Instantly, Lily snatched her hand away. “How… but how could you…?”
“If you want to make him stop,” he took another deep breath, fighting to bring the words to the surface regardless of how hard his heart attempted to block the way. “…Then go out with him.”
“Remus!” she gasped. “You’d really… you’d want me to…”
“Lily,” he reached for her hand again, only to see her recoil from his touch. Taking a very painful gulp, he tried another approach. “You’ve always been there for me, and to that I am thankful. However ””
She shook her head quickly, her hair flailing about her with the essence of a scarlet curtain caught in the breeze. “Remus, I don’t know if…”
“Lily… he loves you,” he confessed, desperately trying to keep back the aching feeling trapped within his throat. “He loves you,” he said again, his voice tight. “He always has and he always will.”
“But… I… Remus, I ””
“Listen to me, alright,” he blurted, a bit too quickly and too harsh for his liking. He sighed again and lowered his posture, cradling his head in his hands if only to hide the pained expression dominating his entire being. “He loves you.”
“Remus ””
“With as much pain as it causes you, he goes through the same amount every day. Sometimes ten fold.”
She started shaking her head again. “No, Remus, no, I don’t ” there’s ””
“There’s always going to be something else he’ll try. He’ll always be there, no matter what you do. Even if it’s one date, just one, maybe he’ll stop.”
“You know as well as I do that he won’t. And don’t try to lie to me to say otherwise.”
He braved a glance towards her, praying she couldn’t read between the lines and figure out how much it hurt him to say all that he was. “It may be our only option…”
“There has to be another way to make him stop.”
“I don’t think there is,” he whispered, his voice barely audible over the crackling of the fire. “Some things, I think, are inevitable.”
“Like us?”
“…what?”
“As friends, I mean,” she blushed.
“Well “ then “ yes,” he stammered, his own blush creeping to the surface. “Yes, I suppose so.”
“Then, as my friend, will you at least talk to him? What makes me so appealing to him anyway?”
It was at that moment that Remus couldn’t help but tilt his head back and laugh, genuinely laugh. Lily stared at him, completely bewildered and stunned as his chortles continued for a few minutes. He didn’t know what spurred him to go for such a long time, but it was at least a few good minutes before he stopped and wiped stray tears from his eyes. “What makes you so appealing?!” he grinned. “Everything, Lily! Everything about you! James would be mad not to like you. Bloody hell! Every boy in this entire school would be mad not to! Look at you!” He gestured towards her, further making his point. “You’re beautiful and nearly an angel to so many already.”
She blushed at his comments, obviously not expecting a word he said but found that she could not tear her gaze away.
“You’re the most talented girl in Hogwarts and absolute murder in Charms,” he continued, blurting out everything left and right driven by some unknown commanding urge that he couldn’t shake. “You wonder why no one tries anything with you? They’re scared, that’s why! Up against you in a duel, no one has a chance! James sees that. He sees what you are and he sees all your good points and all your strengths. He may even see you as a challenge, I don’t know. All I know is that he’s head over heels in love with you and he’s not the only one!”
“Wait,” she stopped him. “Not the only one? Who else then?”
“Well, I, er…” Remus stopped, abruptly coming to his senses and cursing whatever higher power above that made him confess everything he had. “Like I said, every boy at school would be mad not to like you, so… er… I’m sure there are quite a few who actually do.”
“I see.” Her brow furrowed at his answer but she listened patiently nonetheless.
“Er… besides!” he smiled nervously. “Look at it this way, he’s always there.”
“I thought we came to an agreement that his constant presence was a bad thing?”
“Well, yes, in so many words. However, that could be a great help in quite a few situations. You’re Head girl and boy, so you both have common responsibilities and duties. He can help you there.” Remus knew he was rambling, but he was willing to take any chance he could to make her think of James and not the possibility that another just as close to her, sitting beside her in fact, liked her as well.
“Not to mention everything else during the day,” he continued, not once allowing her to have any say in things. “I mean, he’s always there for you when you need him, ready to lend a helping hand with a potion or a spell. He’s always there to greet you each morning and say goodnight in the evening. He’d probably present you with flowers every day if he could. And I’m sure he’d be there to back you up when someone unwittingly picks a fight with you,” he chuckled at that last part.
In response to all this, Lily simply stared at the table again, lost in thought. “Yes, that is true. And… always there to talk to when I need someone, understanding everything without the need to ask questions. Not to mention… a loving shoulder to cry on if need be.”
“Yes… I suppose he would do that,” Remus answered, looking at her oddly.
She shook her head then, as if surfacing from some trance and looked up at him, her eyes seeming to take him in completely. If he didn’t know better, it was almost as if she were seeing him in a whole new light.
“Do you like me, Remus?” she asked softly, her words coming smoothly and surely, as if she had practiced saying it for weeks.
In that instant his heart stopped. He stared at her, his eyes wide and almost fearful, before he forced a smile and good nature.
“I adore you, Lily,” he beamed and took hold of her hand again, giving it a gentle squeeze. “And because of that I want nothing but the best for you. You’ve always been there for me and you are one of my truest friends…” His thumb unconsciously caressed the back of her hand. “I want only for you to be happy. James…” he took another staggering breath, praying that she didn’t hear his internal pain regardless of how hard he tried to hide it with a benevolent attitude. “James can give you that…” he said before stopping completely, now unable to say any more. If he wanted to, he would have found the act impossible for his throat had become too constricted to make much of any sound. How much he wanted to admit that he loved her, right then and there. He would have gladly brushed all her worries away, forsaken his friendship with James, and planned to make Lily happy for the rest of eternity. Yet he valued his friendship with everyone too much and so, before he completely lost his mind, he drew his hand away and produced a faux smile. What he said was true; James would make her happy, for Remus knew in his heart that she did not deserve a lowly werewolf like him but a magnificent and powerful stag.
They remained that way for quite a while, neither one moving much or talking, just staring. He could see her take in even breaths as her eyes revealed a thousand thoughts flying through her mind.
“I didn’t expect this tonight, you know.”
“I apologize. I did not mean to overwhelm you. It’s just time that you knew the truth, though James would probably kill me for saying all that I did.”
“Yes, he probably will.” She stared at him for a few moments longer before she smiled gently and stood. “But… you’re right. You’re always right. You always know just what to say.”
Remus merely regarded her confusedly as she gazed almost lovingly at him.
“You always know… and yet… and yet this time you merely complicated things.”
“How did I ”” but before he could finish his question, she leaned forward and softly kissed him, touching their lips together in one blissful action that sent electricity coursing throughout Remus’s entire body.
“You were right,” she said again, just inches from his mouth, their breaths mingling. “I do have someone who’s always been there. I’ve always known it.” With that, she stepped back and smiled widely at him, not expecting him to move at all, which he didn’t. He was frozen in his seat, his stomach suddenly dropping at the realization of what just happened. Of course, if he did make the futile attempt to get up, his legs would probably give way beneath him and send him tumbling to the floor anyway.
She merely continued to smile at him. “I’m just sorry it took me this long to realize it.”
And it was over. One minute she was there, the next Remus blinked and she was at the bottom of the stairs, taking the first steps to travel up towards the rooms. Still, he couldn’t move. Her actions had caught him off guard so swiftly and efficiently that she left him feeling numb and frozen. In a daze, long after he knew she had reached her door, Remus got to his feet and traveled up those same stairs, leaning onto the wall for support with his entire body shuddering continually as if the very ground beneath him was shaking. His head swam from the incidents of that night, blank while snippets of conversations exploded from his memory. When he got to the top, he smiled a little side-quirk that escaped his better judgment and soon grew into an idiotic grin. Momentarily, he forgot everything that worried him and all that he had done against his promise. Only a simple, heavenly thought existed within him: Lily Evans had just kissed him.
Suddenly his world was reeling. Lily Evans had kissed him! Him and not James! He had just kissed the girl James, the closest thing he had to a brother, had begged for help with and that rightfully belonged to him!
The walls, doors and rooms flew past Remus in a blur, melding together in both time and body so that when he finally reached a destination that was not his common room, it seemed as if a portkey had taken him and dropped him harshly to the ground. No, dropped him, picked him up again, and then slammed him down harder than before. Soon a new thought slowly crept through. Never before had he realized how amazingly soothing the coolness of the toilet frame felt as he vomited into it.