Secret Keeper
Chapter 3
Memories are fickle things. They come and go as they please, popping up randomly or not at all and usually followed in quick succession by others of the kind. More often than not, many emotions follow hand-in-hand. With this in mind, Remus concluded that he loathed memories.
He had been lying in bed all night with a bucket by his four-poster just in case his stomach decided to take an awful turn for the worse again. No matter how much his entire being screamed for rest, no matter how often his brain wanted to shut down and quite a few times come close to it, he simply could not fall asleep. Something vile kept him awake, taunting him from afar and never coming within range of recognition, though he already had a sneaking suspicion of what it was. Yet, before he knew it, the sky took on a light blue hue and stung his eyes even through his closed curtains. With it came the clamor of many annoying of birds, all of which chose to resonate the same old song through the room, perched right outside his window. He had not slept in twenty-four hours.
Eventually, the routine sounds of early morning rituals traveled to his ears as his fellow housemates roused from their sleep and went about their day. It was not long before his curtains were brushed aside, but not by his own hands, by someone else’s.
“Alright there, Remus?” James asked. He went to take another step forward, maybe to sit on the bed, but his foot knocked against something hollow. Instantly regarding the little thing, he bent down and picked up the bucket, examining it for a few moments before placing it on the night table. Then he returned his gaze to Remus, not hiding the evident fact that he was concerned.
“Don’t worry about me,” Remus smiled wearily, waving James off with his hand and slowly pulling to a sitting position. “Something just didn’t agree with me last night. I’ll be fine. I think all the fumes from the ink got to me.”
“You haven’t slept,” he said pointedly. “Your eyes are red and they’re half open. I heard you come to bed late last night, but I never heard you nod off.”
“You were listening?”
“How could I not? What kept you?”
“Just . . . er . . . finishing my homework,” he said quickly as he swung his legs over his bed and stood. He tottered a bit, but it happened in such a short amount of time that he doubted James noticed.
“Remus, it’s Saturday. Our homework isn’t due until Monday. Why worry about it?”
“I just felt like getting it done,” Remus snapped. James was taken aback by his actions and took a few steps away from the bed. Sighing, Remus reached up and touched two fingers to the bridge of his nose.
“James, I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I guess I’m just tired.”
Shifting his weight, Remus could hear James run a hand through his hair.
“Don’t worry about it, eh, Moony?” he said quietly. “You’re only human. You’re certainly entitled to an outburst every now and then.”
Letting out a small puff of air, Remus lowered his hand and flashed a smile. “You forget . . . I’m not classified as human.”
James grinned at the remark and finally took his seat on the bed. “So, oh studious one, did you complete your work?”
“No,” he grimaced.
“No?”
“No. I got too tired.”
“But . . . you didn’t ””
“I know.”
They regarded each other.
“You sure you’re alright?”
“I’m fine.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
James didn’t seem convinced, but he nodded just the same and stood, stretching. With a smile lighting his face, he opened his mouth to speak only to be silenced by a sudden burst of laughter drifting from the common room. Both boys turned their attention toward the door, their ears perked attentively. Lily’s voice mingled with the laughter; it was pathetic how they both knew instantly without checking.
“You go on down,” said Remus, knowing exactly what James must have been thinking.
“You sure you’re okay?” he asked, unsure of whether he should leave.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Go on.”
James nodded a wary, uncertain gesture that reflected in his eyes. Just the same, he consented, and soon his presence no longer occupied the room.
Remus fell backwards onto his bed, his legs dangling off the side. What he wouldn’t give for someone to hand him a device to travel back in time and alter things. He hated having to lie to James, the first person ever to accept him as a friend. In order to maintain that friendship, however, it had to be done. Now all he needed to worry about was breaking Lily’s heart, as well as his own.
He could feel the minutes tick past as he lay there, staring up at the ceiling. As each one went, his eyes grew heavy and his vision blurred. Soon, he found himself finally drifting off into blessed sleep. His final thought, before he completely lost consciousness, was of Lily, James, and a silent prayer that his slumber would be mercifully dreamless. As it turned out, he experienced no dreams. In fact, he wasn’t even sure how long he had been laying there before a hand started to shake him gently awake. When he cracked an eye open, he saw James’s bewildered face looming above his head.
“What is it?” he croaked out, once again pulling himself upright.
James merely looked at him, his brow furrowing a bit. “She wants… to talk to you,” he said finally, almost as if the words were foreign to him.
Remus blinked, his body instantly tensing, and he turned to face his friend. “She… what?”
“She wants to see you,” he answered, plopping down on Remus’s bed once more, his face acquiring an even more puzzled expression. He looked like a little sheltered boy who had just received his first peck on the cheek from a girl and didn’t know what to make of it. “Funny thing,” he continued. “She actually tolerated me. She… smiled at me, said her morning greetings, humored me in some small talk, and then asked where you were.”
“She wants to see me?” Remus asked again, silently gulping afterwards. Even when he knew why, he still couldn’t quite believe it.
“Yeah,” said James, bringing his gaze up. “What did you do to suddenly make her want to talk to you?”
“Er… well…” Why was it that every time he was around James, or Lily was brought up somehow, he suddenly found that he was at a loss for words? “She and I have always been good friends. I’m sure she only needs a bit of help with homework. That’s all it is.” He cringed internally at his obvious lie, but James seemed to buy it.
“Right… right…” he said, staring off into space and not really realizing that Remus was talking to him.
Watching him closely for a few moments, Remus stood and stole away from the room as silently as he could. Whatever Lily wanted, it would have to be quick and easy because he needed to get back to James. Wondering what she could possibly want with him, Remus descended the winding staircase, his mind reeling with the possibilities, most of which he hoped was untrue.
When he looked up to check his surroundings, he found that Lily had come to meet him halfway, a broad smile on her face and her arms outstretched lovingly.
“Morning, Remus,” she nearly sang as she closed the distance between them, wrapped her arms around his neck, and gave him the sweetest kiss he had ever received. Instantly, he melted from the touch, feeling as if he were floating in her embrace. He could have stayed there forever had not his conscience kicked in and hurtled him down to earth with a force that would break even the Grounds Keeper’s bones.
Summoning all the strength and willpower he possessed, he took her arms from around him and pulled away. “Lily ””
“What? What is it?” she asked innocently, all the while staring up at him with her infamous bright green eyes.
“You know very well what it is,” he answered after a strained sigh. Matching her gaze with his tired, serious one, he realized that he had unknown reserves of strength, for he thought he had used it all when he pulled away but now found that he was relying on it to keep himself from giving in and kissing her again. How he longed to kiss her again.
“Oh,” her face fell for a few moments before she grinned and attempted to replace her arms around his neck again. “James. He’s a big boy. He can face rejection and get over it.”
“Lily, please,” pleaded Remus as he caught her hands once more and held them in between their bodies. “We… this mustn’t happen.”
Regarding him critically, she smiled gently and met his gaze again. “Don’t try to make this into one of those melodramatic scenes where I admit my feelings and you push me away because you think I deserve better. I will not fall for your self-loathing and you know that.”
That swiftly caught him off guard; it certainly was not what he expected to hear. The sound of her voice took on shape, almost as if she just patronized a small child for making a mistake who, in turn, was too innocent to realize what had happened. Her words reverberated through is mind with the force of a hailstorm, and he could only stare at her, completely thunderstruck. He went to open his mouth, to say something in response, but all that came out… was nothing. Not even air escaped.
“You see,” she grinned. “I know you.”
That brought his senses back. “If you know me,” he said, “then you know why I am not…. Why I am not…” He couldn’t get the words out. His heart was beating so fiercely that it had lodged itself in his throat, preventing him from saying what he knew to be the only thing to ensure James’s happiness, as well as Lily’s, even if it left him in agony. Only five simple words rested on the tip of his tongue, five words that caused him misery. And yet…
“You cannot love me, Lily,” he said.
“Excuse me?”
“You cannot love me, Lily,” he shook his head, releasing her hands from his grip and taking a step backwards on the stairs. He knew what he had to do. For everyone’s sake, he would sacrifice his own happiness at the possible price of his sanity. He breathed in a very deep gulp of air, held it, and slowly let it out, swallowing his heart and sending it to the bottommost part of his damned soul. He knew what he had to do.
“You mean so much to me, Lily,” he began, squeezing his eyes shut for fear of the last of his will shattering from the emotion behind hers. “I know I can’t convince you otherwise, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you. But…” He cracked and looked into her, seeing only a steady gaze returned. If greater things were not on the line, he would have broken down right then. For the sake of James, however, the closest thing to a brother he had, he continued.
"Last night," he gulped, cursing his wavering voice as he tried to steady it. "Last night... was something out of a dream. But dreams, such as those, are not made to exist in the waking world, in real life. Dreams… are fantastic creations made to perform the task of easing the burden caused by everyday life. Last night was a dream, and you, Lily, were the angel in it. And angels, I'm afraid, though equally mystical, are not meant to seek a consort in a demon." He paused then, fully aware that no matter how hard he tried, he could not cease his visible trembling. Lily, conversely, stood as still as stone.
"I think…" he said after a time encompassed by deafening silence. "I believe... that an angel will find more liking in a woodland creature, one full of magnificence, strength, and near matching beauty, than a demon shunned from the world."
“Remus…”
“Lily, I…”
If only he could say it, right when she found herself at a loss for words. If only…
“I love you.”
She blinked at him, suddenly extremely confused by his actions. “But…”
“I love you… I-I love you…” he took yet another deep breath. “As a brother does his sister.”
They locked eyes then and held them.
“But?”
“But… I…” His bloody heart had returned to his throat, ready to burst should he take any steps toward admitting a lie.
“Remus.”
He looked down just once, slowly, to gather his bearings and destroy his heart. When he raised his head, he seemed fueled with a strength that urged him forward. Even if it was against his own will, it was something he was meant to do. He would do anything for James… even lie to the only one he had ever loved, who had possibly truly loved him in return.
“You cannot love me, Lily,” he said again, his throat so tight that he was surprised the words came out smoothly.
She stood there, gazing at him with her incredible eyes, soaking in everything that occurred. Many long minutes passed that way. It got to the point where Remus was inches away from throwing everything out the window, apologizing profusely while admitting never-ending love to her, promising to run away as soon as they graduated and never look back or worry about what they left behind.
He was inches away, his heart pounding madly. Merely inches away, especially from her, and it was driving him insane.
“I see,” she stated, her words displaying no emotion. Just two words of comprehension.
He blinked at her, fighting back the sudden tears spurred from her indifference. He went to speak, to say anything that happened to tumble forth, only to be hushed by her sharp words.
“You tell James,” she said. “That the next time he makes me fall for one of his friends “ just so he could become closer to me “ I will seize his own wand, use a severing charm without any numbing solutions, and take anything I happen to detach and ram it down his throat.”
At that, she briskly turned on her heel and stormed the rest of the way down the stairs, leaving Remus empty and unsure of what had happened, his complexion paler than his worst aftermaths subsequent to the full moon. One thought registered in his mind as all the life seemed to drain from him, and he groaned it internally.
Bollocks.
The only thing left to do, as he did not intend to venture to the common room and seek certain death, was to return to his dorm room. Return to James, figure out how to explain that Lily will no longer tolerate either of them, that his pride had been threatened, and then find some way to make everything better.
The things he would do for comradeship.
Right as he reached a few steps away from the designated landing, his mind still racing for something to say and anything to do, not to mention he looked exactly how he felt, something caught his attention. A pair of shoes rested right where he was to go. Glancing upward, he blanched more than he ever thought possible and just about died right then.
There stood James, with an incomprehensible expression on his face, but his eyes never more alive.
“What… did you do?”