Secret Keeper
Chapter 4
“James.”
“What did you do?” he asked again, his voice much more urgent.
For the first time in his life, Remus felt the floor give way beneath him without the aid of some sort of magic. He didn’t know what to say or, more importantly, how to say it. With James standing the way he was, expecting a near immediate answer, Remus was suddenly reminded of the tingling sensation left upon his lips from what became Lily’s goodbye kiss, as well as everything else he had done that day. He certainly couldn’t tell James all that took place, and yet he couldn’t keep things secret either.
“I… W-well… James, you see…”
“What? What is it? What’d she want? Did she say anything about me?”
Remus blinked. That wasn’t the statement he had anticipated. ‘How could you do that to me? I trusted you, Moony! And here you are snogging the girl I fell in love with!’ would be more reasonable in a time like this. Quickly attempting to sort through his options, he became fully aware that his entire body was trembling. “In a sense…” he gulped, his mouth and throat long since gone completely dry.
“Well, don’t just stand there!” James beamed, grabbing hold of Remus’s arm and yanking him the rest of the way into the dorm, shutting the door behind them. The expression on his face had gone from simple curiosity to something ten times more powerful, nearly to the point where he was bouncing with anticipation.
“What did she say about me? What did she want you for? Did she want you so she could talk about me? Is that it?”
Without skipping a beat, and solely acting on impulse, Remus stepped forward and grabbed hold of James by the shoulders, slowly pushing him towards his bed.
“Now James,” he said. “It’s not what you think. You’d better sit down for this.”
Instantly, James’s smile fell at the solemn look he received and did as he was told. A silent question displayed in his eyes, almost asking for a lie rather than the truth and begging not to be shattered by disappointment. “Remus?”
At his name, all stored energy finally disintegrated and he crumpled to the floor. He could sense impending doom looming over him, threatening to crush him should he make one wrong move. No wonder he felt ill. Assuming a cross-legged position, he instantly cradled his head in his hands.
“There’s no easy way to say this…” Remus whispered, his voice barely audible over the commotion traveling from the common room. “But there’s something you should know.”
Without glancing at his expectant friend, Remus lowered his hands and stared at the floor, noticing and absorbing the minute detail in the grating of the wood, the different hues, swirls, and patterns. It was as if his senses had suddenly gone into overdrive. His fingertips could make out the pressure and humidity within the room, he could sense the equally different and subtle scents of musk floating around in the air, and his ears felt the pounding silence. For no sound emitted from the room itself, all others were either echoes of lower levels or the uneven breathing from both boys. Silence was his only cue to continue, in the only way he dared.
“Lily did mention you,” he said quietly, his voice sounding much more ragged than usual. Light burst from James’s eyes. “However…” The light faded a notch. “It’s… it’s not what you think.”
“Well, what did she say? What did she want?” James asked again as he shifted his position to lay flat on his stomach, resting his chin upon folded arms. Once again, he stared at Remus with child-like curiosity. There were times, Remus found himself thinking, where James could astound you with innocence in even the most serious of circumstances.
It was also then that Remus realized how exhausted he was, and feeling a constant drilling gaze only made this realization more prominent. He knew sleep deprivation had something to do with it, but after everything that happened over the span of an hour, it was becoming too much. He couldn’t continue with this charade for much longer, just as he could not lie to James. If Lily was a challenge and a test of self-control, then James was her match, and he knew he could not endure another moment lying to either. He was too emotionally drained to repeat his actions, so, he did the only thing he felt comfortable with.
“James… I am so sorry.”
He blinked, confused. “Sorry about what?”
“Lily does not think too highly of you right now…”
“Hang on, what’d I do?”
“If it’s any consolation, she feels the same way towards me.”
“Remus, you’re speaking in riddles.”
Taking a very deep breath, Remus caught James’s eyes and held them. “She believes that my relationship with her is based purely on the attempt to bring you closer to her.”
James suddenly went very rigid. “Relationship?”
“I think you’re missing something much more vital than that.”
“What relationship?”
Deciding not to answer, Remus immediately regretted the particular course of action. He could feel James’s shrewd gaze upon him and held back the overwhelming urge to cringe.
“Oh, you mean your friendship with her?” James finally laughed, flipping over on his back, his head lopping over the edge of the bed and a great grin stretching across his face. “You scared me for a moment there, Moony. I thought you had actually been dating her behind my back! Then I realized you wouldn’t do something like that.”
“Right… I’d never…” Remus’s voiced failed him before he could finish and he lowered his gaze, a deep flush forming on his cheeks.
“See,” said James. “The mere thought causes you to blush. So I have nothing to worry about. Now,” he turned his body over again. “What’s all this about her sudden change and why you’re sorry? What happened?”
“James!” A voice suddenly boomed throughout the room as Sirius bounded in, instantly obliterating any answers Remus was prepared to admit. “You’re not going to believe this!”
Groaning beneath his breath, as well as silently cursing the black-haired menace, Remus shrank back from where he sat, sure that whatever calm and thought-out explanation he had planned on, or started to plan, was now tossed completely out the window.
Only giving James enough time to turn and acknowledge his presence, Sirius hopped down beside him and continued. “Lily is livid!” he exclaimed. “She’s seething!”
Remus suddenly felt very, very ill and rose to his bed, keeping his small bucket well within arm’s reach.
“She’s what? That’s not like her.”
“Yeah? And it’s not like Moony to go date a girl simply so you can be closer to her, now is it?”
Remus dropped to the floor, bucket in hand, and kneeled over his bed. He rested his head on the blankets, praying that Sirius would shut up so his pounding headache would not worsen, as it was already beginning to set in and slowly chip away at his remaining sanity. James’s silence was far worse than the churning in his stomach, which now felt like a dozen Bowtruckles were slowly but desperately clawing their way out. Again, he made the choice to stay quiet.
“It seems,” Sirius continued, motioning a hand toward Remus, “that Moony, here, has been spending quite a bit of time with the fair Evans.” With that said, he stretched across the four-poster and rested his head upon his hands. Then, taking in his current position and surroundings, he smirked at the fact that his lower body covered James’s legs, as the two were at an angle.
“Is this true, Moony?” asked James as he sat upright and leaned back on his arms for support.
Remus noted that James had suddenly switched from using his real name to his nickname, but then ignored it. Instead, he stared vehemently at Sirius out the corner of his eyes, now very much annoyed and at his wits’ end. “This isn’t like you,” he said calmly, “putting a friend on the spot aside from Wormtail.”
Sirius blinked.
“How would you like it if I stood here and accused you of fornicating with a girl your best friend loves?”
“I would never do that,” he retorted, bolting upright.
“This isn’t like you,” James added, his suspicions rising and all innocence falling away to reveal the intelligent young man he was normally. “You only get this way during a full moon, and that was two and a half weeks ago.”
“Well, I’m sorry if I can only take so much!” Remus snapped with stars and shadows dancing before his eyes, his stomach now in strips and his mind swimming as a wave of dizziness passed briefly. He brushed all ill feelings aside and focused solely on the conversation and emotions at hand. There were more important things than his wellbeing. “The very notion of me courting Lily while keeping James ignorant is absolutely absurd! I would never betray my friends that way!”
“Then why are people saying it?” asked Sirius.
“Because she and I are friends! We’ve always been friends! She thinks that my relationship with her is simply because I was trying to get her and James together, and that the only reason our friendship has grown more trusting lately is due to my spying on her for him. She hates me now! I would never begin a romantic relationship with her because I knew it would break your heart, James! The very fact that there are rumors around school means nothing, there are always bloody rumors!”
James and Sirius sat dumbstruck at Remus’s words. He did not blame them, for very rarely was it that he lost his temper. As the seconds ticked by, Remus was extremely thankful that he had remained kneeling by the bed. If he had chosen to stand, as his impulses had screamed at him to do so when he provided the outburst, he would have surely over-exerted his body and crumpled to the floor. His grand speech had already worn him out to such an extent that he sat panting, sweat dripping slowly from his brow. Still, his friends stared.
Then, and quite suddenly, James got to his feet and walked toward Remus, a very serious expression on his face. Fearing the worst, Remus tensed his body and tried to remain as firm as he had presented himself to be. However, James walked past him, poured a glass of water from the pitcher that rested on the nightstand, and then turned and handed it to Remus.
“Thank you,” James smiled. “For reminding me that you are still human.”
It was a while before Remus came to his senses again. Somehow, he had gone from kneeling on the floor to awaking in his bed, his covers drawn around him, and the sun shining at the opposite angle from which it started. The only explanation he could think of, through the haze in his mind, was that he had passed out soon after the argument and his friends, being as kind-hearted as they were, picked him up and laid him in the comfort of his own bed. He couldn’t help but notice that his pillow was fluffed, and when he turned his head he saw a fresh pitcher of ice water sweating on the stand. A smile crept to his face, weary as he was, and he took one hand and trailed a finger down the side of the glass, leaving it wet with residue and a bare streak outlining the container. Blood is thicker than water, he mused to himself, and they were his brothers in all but blood.
Shaking the absurd thought from his mind, however much it made him ponder it even more, Remus dragged himself to his feet and stood wavering by his bed. James was right; the full moon had been earlier in the month. However, the lycanthropy in Remus’s blood prevented him from attaining any other illnesses, no matter how much it made him appear worse for the wear. He could not for the life of him figure out why he felt the way he did. Perhaps it was nerves, the current and past situations, or the fact that he remained teetering on the fine line between truth and lies when it came to those he cared for most. Still, something nagged at him, gnawing, baying for attention. Something he could not ignore but too far away for him to grasp. That something was not right.
Once again pushing his thoughts from his mind, he slowly made his way out the door. Clinging to the cobblestone wall for support, he took each step one at a time just as a toddler would, all the while thinking that the winding of the staircase did nothing to aid those who could easily feel nauseated. Right before he reached the bottom and came into view of those sitting in the common room, he straightened his posture and kept one hand pressed lightly against the wall for support, making sure not to appear as if he terribly needed it. A few more steps and his feet touched carpet.
The room was nearly deserted. The few stragglers left within were clumped in various groups, some near the fire, others positioned around the multitude of chairs and tables. A few vacated the premises as he observed his surroundings, and then a few more entered, eventually lightly brushing past him with a mere hushed apology and request for excuse. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion around him, as if the air was full of some invisible muck that tainted everything passing within it, all the while making things small and far away. He blinked, shaking his head slightly to clear his vision, before making his way toward the group near the warmth of the small fire. As he took his seat, an empty recliner specifically set aside for him, he looked up to see the faces of his friends smiling gently at him.
“We thought you were going to sleep the entire day away,” said James, the light in his eyes far outshining the one from the hearth.
“Wouldn’t have been surprised,” Sirius chimed in, yet again reclining as he said the words. “We all know how nocturnal he is.”
“Let’s not talk about that…” Remus blushed slightly and looked over to Peter, who was sitting opposite of James and Sirius on the couch. He sat very straight, stretching his back to a point where Remus could have sworn he was trying too hard to be noticed and accounted for, as if he were desperately striving not to be forgotten in an otherwise stressful time. “So what have you three been up to?”
“Trying to figure out how to get Evans to date Prongs,” Peter announced instantly, barely giving Remus enough time to finish his question. “She’s still extremely stubborn, and what with the rumors ”” a pillow smashed into his face, silencing him instantly.
Sirius rolled his eyes and retracted his arm, reaching for another a replacement pillow to lean against. “We’re not going through that again. After all,” his gaze turned almost softly toward Remus. “They’re only rumors.”
Remus said nothing and instead took it upon himself to turn to James for an answer. James, as it was, sat directly across from him in another armchair, his back pressed leisurely against the cushions behind him, although straight enough to make it appear as if he were a king taking a break from his royal duties and yet always on guard for something new to appear, threatening to overthrow him. His eyes, the sparkle still very much alive within them, swirled and danced showing the chaotic mix of a young boy’s playfulness with that of young man’s determination and intelligence. To James, the entire day was a source of amusement and entertainment, and Remus knew that no matter what occurred, James would still get what he wanted.
“So what have you come up with?”
James shrugged. “Ideas that’ll never work, seeing as they’re all coming from Sirius.”
“Hey! I resent that!”
“That’s why I said it!” James laughed, and soon Sirius was joining in heartily while a high-pitched noise came from the other end of the couch where Peter sat, over-exerting his own laughter. Remus merely watched his friends and chuckled, a smile spreading across his face and sticking.
When things finally calmed down enough for cohesive conversation, Sirius sighed and once again stretched out his body, reclining in such a way that his entire body took up the length of the sofa, his legs dangling off the front leaving just enough room for Peter to sit. He did not notice the appreciative and envious eyes from the smaller boy.
“Well, Prongs,” he said at length. “You could always stand beneath her window at night, wake her up, and proclaim your undying love to her that way.”
“That could work!”
“Oh, no, James, you’re not serious,” Remus cringed as he watched his friend leap to his feat.
“Really! That’s brilliant!”
“It’s been done! It’s… it’s clichéd! It’s old!”
“Yeah, mate, you can think of better things than that! If we can create the Marauder’s Map, we can certainly think of something more original,” Sirius added, his smile fading a bit.
“I’ve thought of everything and I’ve tried everything, nothing’s worked so far. What have I got to lose? It’s cliché, so what? It may actually work.”
“Certainly,” Remus commented dryly. “It’s so pathetic that you might actually catch her attention.”
“Exactly!”
“No, James, I really didn’t mean ””
“I could stand beneath her window,” James said as he paced before his friends and wrung his hands, ignoring any word of rationality they attempted to throw at him. “And call up to her. Wake her up somehow ””
“Along with every other girl there,” said Sirius. “You’d make a great fool of yourself.”
“And then I could say everything I’ve wanted to. Let it all out. She can’t refuse honesty, can she?”
“Honesty? Or desperation?” asked Peter.
“I mean, girls like romantic acts, right?”
“Lily’s not like most girls,” whispered Remus, his voice was so soft it was almost as if he was in a sort of reverie at the very thought of her.
Peter’s attention snapped toward him and a look of surprise crossed his face. He blinked a bit before slowly returning his gaze on James, a little tenser than before. Remus prayed he hadn’t figured anything out, such as the possibility that the rumors may not be what they are normally.
“And what happens if it doesn’t work?”
“That’s why you’re going to be with me!” James explained as he spun on his heel and pointed a finger straight at Sirius.
“Me?! Just me?!”
“No, all of you!”
“She’s not stupid, James,” said Peter. “She’d know.”
“Not if I have my cloak,” he grinned. “Or if it’s really dark. You’ll be fine.”
“I don’t know,” said Remus as he leaned backwards in his chair a bit. “It’s risky. Besides, how do we know it’ll truly work. With what you’ve told us before,” he motioned toward Sirius, “and with what I know, she hates us both. You honestly think she’ll be up for something like this?”
“Yeah… about that…” James grinned, and now his eyes took on a knowing and triumphant gleam. “I had a bit of a talk with her. Everything’s fine now. She should be apologizing to you soon for whatever it was she said and did to you.”
Remus sat still as statue in his chair. She had forgiven that easily? This was Lily they were talking about, the kind-hearted, gentle girl who always had a smile ready for Remus, but the idea of her becoming infuriated with him and then cooling off not even a day later… all of it was lost on him.
“How did you… when did you…”
“After this morning’s episode,” Sirius grinned. “Immediately afterward.”
“We saw how you were effected,” said James, unexplainably calm again and regaining his maturity. “Doing that to me is one thing, but I would not stand for a friend of mine to experience it. I confronted her ””
“First time I’ve ever seen him yell at her,” added Sirius.
“” And told her just that. Everything that happened and everything I felt on the matter.”
“You’d think she had just turned into ectoplasm, with how quickly she softened,” said Peter.
“Wormtail,” said Sirius as he tossed another pillow toward the boy’s head. “You have a knack for turning things nasty.”
“So… s-she just… she apologized… right then? A-and that’s all it took?” stammered Remus, ignoring his two other friends and still not quite grasping everything else around him.
“Apparently.”
He stared at James’s triumphant look, lost within the power it held and suddenly feeling very vulnerable and small. Then, as if awaking from a dream, he jumped to his feet and stared at James straight in the eye. “You mean to tell me that after all that, after things have finally started to calm down, you are going to pull yet another stunt that may inevitably cause her to dislike you even more? Are you insane?!”
“I don’t see the harm in it,” shrugged James in response. “With all of you there, you can watch to ensure that I don’t make any mistakes.”
“James!” he shouted. “Listen to yourself! Peter’s right, this is desperation! You make a little ground with her and immediately you ask for her whole world!”
“I’m not asking for her whole world; I’m just asking to be a part of it.”
“But you already hold a part of it,” Remus sighed in frustration. “We all have a part in it, and you most of all because of every stupid thing you’ve ever done. Why can’t you be content that she’s willing to talk to you now?”
“Because I can’t be content until I’m by her side,” he answered simply and with all the honesty in the world backing him up. “Do you even know what it is to want to be with someone and have them always one pedestal above you, just out of reach and have that knowledge hurt you every moment you’re awake and haunt you every second of your dreams? Remus, do you even know what it is to love someone?”
Remus was taken aback by his answer, not prepared for something as blatantly truthful as that. There was no denying that what James said was the utter truth, so much so that it silenced Sirius and Peter who had, up until that moment, still been feuding on the couch. The only thing he could do to take a step back and fall into his chair, struck down. If Remus had tried to say something in return, even comment on how mature James had suddenly become, nothing would have come out for all words and all strength for words had been blown out of him.
It was then that it dawned on him just how much he had lost and how much he was about to lose. And through it all, he realized that something remained amiss and would require his immediate attention very soon. He could feel it in his heart.