Secret Keeper
Chapter 7
Somehow that wasn’t the response Remus anticipated. ‘I’m unsettled,’ perhaps, or maybe even ‘What do you think?’ It made him wonder what it took to make her happy. Still, as much as the answer stung him and his primal nature wished that she realized she had made a mistake and was, in fact, unhappy, he bottled his emotions like so many times before and forced a kind smile.
“I’m glad,” he said before secretly adding to himself, ‘You deserve to be happy.’
And then there was silence between them, the uncomfortable type Remus would rather do without. The kind where things had to be said and pounded on the conscious to do so, and yet were never uttered. He stared at her, at her body standing awkwardly before him and lips pressed tightly shut. Suddenly, his primal nature won and he hated her. Everything she had put him through came flooding back and he wanted to scream. Regardless of his affection for her, of his love that would never disappear, the lycan within him still held sway over his thoughts. The moon, after all, still hung swollen in the sky. In the dreaded still of the room, he took back what he previously thought to himself. Her contentment no longer mattered to him, instead he wished for her regret and shame of so quickly changing herself by choosing one over the other. He had thought her better than that. Much better. Above it, even. Yet, instead of outwardly displaying his sudden animosity toward her, which stirred unwanted chaos within him concerning his warring emotions, a look of bewilderment crossed his face. He blindly stared at the white linen sheets that covered his lower half and knitted his eyebrows together.
“Lily,” he said hesitantly, experimenting with his next choice of words before delivering them. “I… I’m sorry… but… I don’t understand. You’re actions… they’re… they’re not yours. Why ””
Her laugh cut him short. A smile lit up her features and simultaneously melted and strengthened the tension and confusion within the room. She laughed for quite a while before finally wiping a stray tear from her eye and coming to perch almost delicately at the edge of his bed. As she took one of his hands in hers, she sighed softly.
“You deserve to hear this,” she began. Had it not been for the warmest glow Remus had ever seen within her eyes, he would have began to expect the worst. ‘I never really loved you. It was all a game. I can’t believe you fell for it. How pathetic are you, thinking that a girl could ever possibly have any feelings for you,’ were the many possibilities flying through his mind. And yet they never came. Instead he saw the warmth and he knew that James was the one who somehow put it there.
“James and I…” she began almost reluctantly. “We’ve been talking for quite some time.”
“I knew that already,” he answered, unsure of what she was getting at or the new turns the conversation would take.
“What you didn’t know…” She took a deep breath. “Was that “ well “ to put it mildly… I already held him in high regard.”
Remus blinked. “You already liked him.”
“Something like that, yes.”
“But then… everything you said… that night… by the fireplace and on the stairs… why?”
“Because I’ve always held you in high regard, as well!” she grinned. “He gave me laughter, you gave me time.”
“But it wasn’t enough…”
“It could have been, at one time,” she whispered, her eyes falling to their clasped hands. “But then I saw loyalty and knew that some things could never be.”
“Loyalty. So loyalty is a turn-off to you?”
“Merlin’s beard, of course not! But how could I date a friend of the person I…”
She didn’t have to finish her statement for Remus to understand.
“And James? How did he finally win your heart?”
Lily took a deep breath. For a moment he thought she would pull her hands away from him, but she didn’t move. It was her way of showing that through it all, though she wasn’t directly with him, she would always be by his side. Despite everything that told him opposite he knew that and expected it, though he didn’t know how he knew.
“He was there when you weren’t,” she finally said. “He… showed me he could give me what I needed.”
“And that was?”
“Devotion. And… protection.”
Suddenly Remus felt like quoting Shakespeare. ‘Aye, there’s the rub!’ flashed through his mind as a Muggle neon sign would in a window advertising some drink or the status of the place, be it open or closed. As for right now, he kept his mouth closed and merely nodded. He had been right all along and the little boy he saw before would remain safe in James’s care.
No more words passed between them. Remus fought back tears and pain, remaining outwardly stoic and understanding. Seeing this, Lily squeezed his hands.
“Remus, say something.”
“Ah, let him be that way, he deserves it!” called a voice from across the room, causing Lily to jump and instantly release her hold on Remus’s hands. He raised his eyes just in time to see Sirius pull the curtain back from the beds and send a dog-like grin in their direction. “After all he’s been through some silence will do him good. I think he’s had enough snarling to last him a lifetime by now.”
“My lifetime is enormous, so that’s saying a lot,” Remus managed to say and produce a smile.
James, now visible, returned the smile and climbed off his bed. Remus could see through the thin hospital wing gown that he was covered in bandages, the most centering around his torso, abdomen, and back. It sickened Remus to see the wrappings, knowing that he was the one who caused them. But James didn’t seem to mind. He held back grimaces and kept walking toward them all the same.
“James!” Lily called. “Get back to your bed. Madam Pomfrey works wonders, but you’re still not nearly well enough to be up and about.”
“You worry too much,” was his response as he obediently lowered himself into a bed directly beside Remus. Soon Sirius had joined them on Remus’s other side, making more of a spectacle of himself and obviously in a better condition than James. However, Remus noted, Sirius did have something resembling a brace wrapped around his frame. It seemed his back was more injured than he let on.
“So, Moony,” Sirius greeted as one again he stretched and reclined against the raised bed. “Feeling better are we? No longer under the influence of the moon.”
“Try me,” he glared.
“Now, you should know better, Padfoot!” James laughed, though softly due to his injuries. “The moon is full in the day too, he’s just not under the light. Still, he feels the effects. And how long have you been experiencing this by now?” he joked.
“I was only making polite conversation,” Sirius shrugged.
“Right. And we’re only remaining here for our own health.”
At that Sirius burst out laughing. “Oh, the things we could be doing right now. Snivellus, for example, I still have a few tricks up my sleeve for him.”
“You will leave him alone,” Lily ordered strongly.
“But ””
“You heard me!”
Sirius groaned and sent a mournful stare in James’s direction. “And it starts…”
James merely chuckled. Remus, too, could not help but laugh at the scene before him. It was like old times in the wing. It felt nice.
“So why are you staying here if you feel you are well enough to go?” he couldn’t help but ask.
Sirius shrugged again. “I’m with him,” was all he said. So, Remus’s gaze fell upon James who merely smiled once again at him.
“As much as I would love to leave, as you can see I can’t. My pride must be hurt as well if I have to admit that I’m still too injured to go anywhere. Besides, do you really think we’d leave you here alone?”
“Well, I had thought that… with it being my fault…”
“Nonsense!” exclaimed Lily. “Besides, I wouldn’t hear of it!”
“Me neither,” added James.
“I’m with him,” was once again all Sirius said. Now he seemed to be drifting off to sleep, but Remus knew better and expected something much more interesting and time consuming to be playing out in the boy’s head.
Remus felt his face become warm as a blush crept into it. The knowledge that they did, in fact, want him around softened his heart enough that it the walls being constructed around it would have windows or at least a few gates to reach inside. And yet…
“Where’s Peter?”
“Damage control,” answered Sirius through a yawn. “We have to make sure none of the other girls know anything. He’s going around doing just that. And he had better get it done right, or I’m turning him into a rat and making him stay that way for a long, long time.”
“They… then they saw…”
“All they saw,” began Lily as she one again clasped one of Remus’s hands, “was a werewolf emerging from the shadows. They don’t know who it was. As for these two gits, they had run off into the shadows and gave themselves enough time to make it seem as if the animals coming out where not the two that originally went in.”
“Genius, if I do say so myself,” Sirius grinned.
“But how are you in here without Madam Pomfrey’s suspicions?”
“Haven’t you been listening?” asked Sirius as he took his thumb and pointed it toward the doors.
The room fell quiet then. For the first time, Remus could hear voices drifting through the closed hospital wing doors. He recognized them immediately to be Madam Pomfrey and Professor Dumbledore.
“Honestly, if out students are out risking their lives doing who knows what, we should put a stop to it! I can’t have my patients coming in so severely injured!”
“I assure you, Poppy,” replied Dumbledore in his usual calm and omniscient tone. “You needn’t worry much longer about it. Soon you’ll hardly even remember such injuries coming into your care.”
“But I’d like to know how they hurt themselves. Then we can be rid of the problem and the students will be safe.”
“Madam,” Professor Dumbledore began again. “There is nothing to worry about. Potter, Black, and Lupin all arrived in time for you to treat them. They will be fine due to your superb healing abilities and fine concoctions. There is nothing more for you to worry about except the next minor injury that requires your attention.”
“But Professor ””
“How about some tea? I can have the house-elves make us some wonderful French tea, I’m sure you’ll love it.”
Remus could hear footsteps echoing down the hall and Madam Pomfrey’s futile protests. Soon there was silence again.
“What…” he looked between Sirius and James respectively. “Did you do?”
“A simple memory charm,” answered James. “Lily’s idea actually, and she was the one who carried it out too. See, all the other times we could get away with not coming here, but this time “ well “ obviously things were different.”
“Yeah, does a blue moon give you more strength or something?” Sirius blurt out. “The way you fought, I about died from excitement!”
“You about died to begin with,” Remus mumbled.
“Besides the point,” Lily waved him off. “Everything’s taken care of. The girls know nothing, Madam Pomfrey remembers nothing and as far as she’s concerned you three lost control of your brooms and flew straight into the Whomping Willow. As for Dumbledore ””
“He’s handling things quite nicely,” James grinned and nodded.
Remus finally caught on. He understood what they were saying well enough, but it was the smile that got to him.
“James,” he said. “Is there something ””
Again he was cut off by laughter. This time from both James and Sirius.
“Before you ask,” James said through his laughter. “I want you to know that I already knew.”
“W-what?!”
“Just as I said, I knew all along about you and Lily. And it’s alright, really.”
“Y-you did? And it is? Did I miss something?”
“You think I’m that dimwitted?” James blurt out. “Of course I knew! It was so obvious! I knew right when I met you on the stairs. But…” he reached over and placed a hand on Remus’s shoulders, his demeanor softening completely. “I also trusted you, my friend, and I am glad to see that trust pulled through.”
Now Remus felt like crying. To admit something in front of Lily and Sirius was simply too much, it took such a toll on him that it alone seemed worse than everything else he had experienced. He wanted to keep everything a secret and now that was nearly impossible.
“And still you did nothing,” he shook his head in a disbelieving manner.
“I knew I didn’t need to,” James withdrew his hand. “I trusted you, Remus. I knew your loyalty was too strong and I relied on that.”
“See what I mean?” commented Lily.
“Yes, I do.”
“So, just to set things straight, you know that we’re always here for you, Remus, no matter what is going on. We want you to tell us things. No more of this keeping secrets, alright? I don’t want anything to come between us again.”
“I’m still curious, though,” said Lily questioningly, a sly grin forming on her lips. “Why a window tactic?”
“Well… you know James,” Sirius answered this time in an attempt for fix things within the room. “Romantic and over the top.” James promptly blushed.
“And cliché,” she added. His blush deepened.
Remus shrugged. “Couldn’t talk him out of it even if we hit him repeatedly with both Beater clubs and a Bludger.”
Yet, before anyone could answer with a lighthearted agreement or release any sort of laughter, the sound of a nearby floorboard creaking got their full attention. Sirius was on his feet instantly, his wand at the ready, and he crept stealthily towards the door. If they were being spied upon, the consequences would be drastic. They all knew this, so it was all Sirius could do to act as the investigator as he was the only one in the best condition aside from Lily, who was currently preoccupied by the two boys surrounding her. He looked back at James only once to signify that he should draw his wand just in case. When he did so, and once Lily made it known that she was prepared for anything, Sirius slowly reached for the door and pried it open in one quick jerk.
The body that fell forward let out a squeak of surprise and bowed to Sirius, his nose less than an inch from the floor.
“Merlin’s Beard, Wormtail!” Sirius cried. “What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?! Never sneak up like that again! You nearly scared us half to death!”
“S-sorry!” he squeaked once more as Sirius hauled him to his feet and briskly patted the dust off him. “Didn’t mean any harm.”
James let loose a huge sigh of relief and sunk back into his bed, stiffly stretching his legs. “Nearly gave us a heart attack, Wormtail,” he said. “What were you doing out there like that? And how long were you there anyway?”
“N-not long. Not long at all. Just coming to see if Moony was all right. You all left in such a hurry that I didn’t have time to follow.”
“Yeah, sorry about that,” Sirius stated indifferently as he ran his hand through his hair in a James-like fashion. “It was sort of necessary. Didn’t mean anything by it.”
“It’s alright,” Peter murmured as he came to stand near Remus’s bed. “It was just hard to handle Snape without you three there to help.”
“Snivellus bothered you, did he?” Sirius nearly barked. “The great grease ball… just wait till I get to him…”
“Padfoot, you’ll do nothing,” spoke James, much to Sirius’s dismay and Lily’s surprise. “I’m sure it was nothing more than name-calling, right Wormtail?”
Peter gazed at James. “Right. That’s it.”
“See? Nothing to worry about.”
But Remus didn’t believe them. When it came to Snape, no matter how many times James and Sirius put him in his place and more often than not crossed the line, he could still say some revolting things. No, there was something else bothering Peter, something that he wasn’t letting on about. It seemed that Remus wasn’t the only one keeping secrets, he just wished he knew what this one was.
“And now!” Sirius clapped his hands in an attempt to break the tension and succeeding in snapping Remus’s attention back to the room. “All this excitement as made me hungry. I need food! James, up for an adventure?”
“To the pear!” he yelled just as excitedly and raised a fist in the air. He got to his feet, gave Lily a gentle kiss on her forehead, one that lingered just a bit longer than a normal kiss should have lasted, and motioned for Peter to follow as the three boys quietly opened the large doors and snuck out.
Remus was once again left alone in a room with Lily.
“What now?” he asked, noticing their hands were still clasped.
“Nothing changes,” she shrugged. “We remain friends, James and I date, Sirius mopes about as usual when he isn’t the center of attention, and you remain by our side always. Life goes on for us.”
“And you and James, how do you think that’ll go?”
“I don’t know,” she smiled softly. “Nor do I want to know. I want to live life and he’ll help me do that to the fullest. And you, my dearest friend, I shall always rely on.”
“I don’t know what good I’ll be.”
“You’ll be plenty good!” she smiled brightly. “For guidance, assurance, reliability for just about anything, and, most importantly, enduring friendship.”
“You seek all that in me.”
“All the time.”
“Even through what I did, you all treat me as if nothing happened. I don’t understand how you can when I see what happened, what came of it all, and I hate myself. How can you seek so much good in me when it obviously doesn’t exist?”
“It exists,” she replied strongly. “It exists here.” She took her finger and touched it to his breast, right where his heart lay. “You have so much good inside of you, Remus. I can’t understand why you can’t see it for yourself when I see it every day. It’s there, and I love that it’s there. You are beautiful, Remus… you’re beautiful… Always remember that.”
Then she embraced him. When she tilted her head to give him her final kiss, once again sending sparks shooting from his lips and through his entire body, he felt complete for the first time in so long.
-----
Not much more can be said after this. Four of the five graduated at the top of their class; Peter, no matter how his friends aided him, could never maintain acceptable grades. James and Lily developed such a close relationship that Remus and Sirius began to suspect they had secretly been together their entire stay at Hogwarts. Their love was incredible. Throughout everything, Voldemort’s rise to power and the many attempts on their lives, as well as regular quarrels between lovers, they managed to maintain their genuine affection, adoration, respect, and trust. Remus was happy for them, for they had found so soon in each other what few others attain in a lifetime. When Harry was finally born, Remus knew that he would receive the greatest gift of all: the love of his parents, both between themselves and to him directly. Remus also saw in him what he had seen in the boy of his dreams, and because of that he felt, though Sirius was the official guardian, that he held a sort of dutiful protection over him. He kept that protection through the many years following James and Lily’s death and Sirius incarceration. He kept it through his teaching at Hogwarts, through the Order, and for as long as he could afterward. He would keep it up until death, and even then it would continue somehow.
What allowed him to maintain his strength through the years was something Lily gave him. After all was said and done and things had finally calmed down enough for Remus to relax and begin his reading, he was surprised to find a note from Lily inside her gift. It was on the cover page, written in the beautiful cursive that Lily chose to use from time to time, just out of the way to make it personal but not too formal. It kept him going when times became too painful for him to bear, when loneliness settled in or he was weighed down by everything around him. He returned to it from time to time, especially after hers and James’s death, to once again find the strength and courage Lily had left for him. Her words helped him survive nearly everything, and through his actions he passed them to Harry, although Harry wasn’t aware of it.
‘No matter what anyone else says or does,’ it read, ‘you are loved. And you will never know just how much. It is your strength, dear one, hold it safe and hold it close. Lose it and you lose everything. Keep it and the world is yours.’
This advice has aided many since the words were written. And though Remus kept them secret for quite some time until they were needed by another, he followed them. By doing so, he held his love, and the few others worthy of the emotion, within his heart until the end of his days.
----
“You know the very first time I saw you Harry I recognized you immediately, not by your scar but by your eyes. They’re your mother, Lily’s. Yes…. oh, yes… I knew her…. Your mother was there for me at a time when no one else was. Not only was she a singularly gifted witch, she was also an uncommonly kind woman. She had a way seeing the beauty in others even, and, perhaps, most especially when that person could not see it in themselves. Your father, James, on the other hand, he, heh, he had a certain, shall we say, talent for trouble. A talent, rumor has it, he passed on to you. You’re more like them than you know, Harry. And in time you’ll come to see just how much.”
-- Remus Lupin, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, the movie.