Introduction
I, Lily Evans, have attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for the past five years, since the tender age of eleven. I have managed to find a good way of surviving, and feel that it is my duty to advise any fellow Gryffindor girl students. I shall leave this in the First year Girl’s Dorms next year, so they find it upon arrival, and request now that this is done year after year even when I have moved on. So, congratulations, first year girls, on being in Gryffindor! It’s truly the greatest house, and if you are reading this, I sincerely hope you do your best contribute. Now, on to helpful advice, please bear it in mind.
Different “groups” of people
There are many “groups” of people, and we are all thrust into the same place, and forced to live together. So, the best way to do this is to be able to identify someone’s personality, and know the best way to get along with them.
- There are the people who are loud and obnoxious, people who think they are Merlin’s gift to Earth, and don’t try and hide their distinctively large egos. Say, for example, there is a group of four boys who like to be called ... The Marauders, shall we say? They are, I’m afraid, intelligent, but they use their astuteness in the wrong way “ for example, they pull so-called “genius” pranks on un-suspecting girls, (called, for example, Lily Evans), and then shamelessly request dates. The best way to deal with these people is to try and ignore them, and don’t get in their way. Unless, of course, you like the idea of tentacles sprouting from your forehead, that, when removed, still itch for days and days. It’s not a fun experience, so my advice would be to avoid them.
- There are the cliquey girls who spend their time reading Witch Weekly or terrorising their fellow Dorm mates (again, let’s use the example of a nice, bright young girl called Lily Evans). They care only about boys and their hair. Mainly the kind of boys previously mentioned, with large egos and good looks. The best way to get along with them is to try to avoid them as much as possible.
- There are some downright nasty people, who enjoy reading up on the Dark Arts, and standing around looking menacing. These are almost always from the Slytherin House, and either hang around in large intimidating groups, or go around alone and mutter weird things to themselves as you pass. Either way, the most effective way to get along with them is most definitely to avoid them.
- There are friendly people, too, don’t worry. People who will smile, or say hello. Try and be friendly back to these people, as long as you are sure you can trust them.
- Finally, there are people like the previously mentioned Lily Evans, who know how to handle themselves, get good grades, and DON’T follow the mindless drones like the “Marauders” in a vein hope that they will one day be noticed. These people will eventually end up as Ministers for Magic, as successful Healers, as the backbone and structure of the wizarding community. This is the best kind of person to be. Be one of these people.
Dormitory Life
From now on, you are part of a Dormitory. This will probably be a shock to the system. However, there is nothing you can really do about it. Get to know your new Dorm mates “ If not their names, at least whether or not you can trust them, since this is vital. There are many problems that may occur, and I am going to try and give advice on some of the possible scenarios.
Scenario 1 “ Nobody likes you. This is unfortunate, to say the least. Either they aren’t very nice people, or there is something wrong with you “ perhaps you are grotesquely disfigured, and they are too scared to look at you, or perhaps you breath through your mouth un-hygienically, or perhaps you have a tendency to insult people to their faces and then proclaim that you were possessed and couldn’t help it. Whatever the reason, no one seems to like you, and you’re a little stuck. The best thing to do, is to talk to people in a friendly way, or offer help. If, say, you notice that they have lost their quill and you have one spare, you could offer to lend it to them. The important thing is not to fret “ you’ll find someone eventually!
Scenario 2 “ Somebody is snoring. There are two ways to deal with this. Either put a sound barrier around their four poster, or round your four poster, or alternatively, you could buy earplugs. Or steal some of those nifty ear muffs from Professor Sprout “ just not the pink ones.
Scenario 3 “ One of your dorm mates is a kleptomaniac. This is unfortunate, but possible. Store absolutely everything in your trunk and lock it. Several times. Never leave anything that belongs to you (especially if it’s shiny) lying around. If YOU are the kleptomaniac, my advise would be to try and kick the habit. You will only lose the friends you may have already made. Alternatively, you could plant what you have taken in another girl’s trunk, so that she gets the blame (as long as this girl has done something to you, of course. Otherwise it would just be mean.)
Scenario 4 “ You wake up looking terrible, you are late, and a superficial dorm mate is already awake, with a patronising comment on the tip of her tongue. We all have our bad days, and there is always someone who seems totally perfect in comparison. The best thing to do is to quickly make yourself presentable, and possibly joke about it. One of the greatest skills is to be able to laugh at yourself.
Scenario 5 “ Your beloved teddy bear, Mr Muffles, has gone missing. Get over it. It’s a damn teddy bear. Also, make sure you rename him in his absence. “Mr Muffles” (or similar) is a stupid name.
Know Your Professors
There are many kinds of professors. Here is a list of the main types, and how to get on their good side. It is recommended that you do this, as it never hurts to be in their good books.
- “The Boring”. It’s hard to get on with these by any other method than working hard, and doing as you’re told. They drone on and on, but are not necessarily mean, just really dull. It’s best to daydream in their classes, to pass the time, as long as you pick out important information. Professor Binns is an excellent example.
- “The One Who Thinks They’re Funny”. You always get them. They try so hard to be funny, and sometimes succeed, but mostly it’s just lame. If you laugh a little, they will like you. It’s usually ok to mess around a little with them as long as you are good at the subject too.
- “The Sarcastic”. This is the one who singles out a kid (usually on the front row) and makes fun of them all the time. Very funny for the rest of the class, but not always for the victim. However, Professors like this are usually good at selecting who won’t take it to heart. Try to make them laugh, and do not be on the front row, or make an idiot of yourself in the first week (or at all, but be most cautious around this time).
- “The Spawn Of Hell”. Very angry, very nasty. Best tactic is to sit down and shut up. Work very hard, be good as gold. It’s really the only way.
- “The Cool One”. Extremely rare, but not impossible. Often young, and happy. They are funny, and let you mess around, as long as you get the work done in the end. In their classes, be funny and talk to them about random things. If you need help, go to these.
But remember, different aspects of their personalities can cross from one type to another.
Homework survival
A large part of your life at Hogwarts, I’m afraid to say. Some good advice is to do it in short bursts often, and try not to leave it until the very last minute. Really. Otherwise you have to either a) rush it, and it be poor quality, b) think up a lame excuse, and get detention or c) put a curse on yourself so that you are required to go to the Hospital Wing and miss the lesson when it is due in.
Try and get a homework planner, or make one yourself. They may seem “geeky” but can be useful, as long as they don’t shout out “encouraging” phrases every time you open them, as these always end up on the fire in some way or another.
Queuing “ pushing without force
This is really an art form that needs to be perfected. Whether you are queuing to go to Hogsmeade, or to get into the Great Hall, or simply to enter a classroom, people will always try and get ahead of you. Many people will push in front with force, or just stride straight in front and presume you wont make a fuss. The best way to push however, is to be more subtle. Wait until the person in front moves to the side, then slip through quietly and deny everything if they ask. Everything. Do not go too far forward, however “ being first in the queue is not necessarily a good thing. Try and be sure that you are always near the front of the middle. Also, try and make it a principle not to be last in a queue, this will give you the motivation to aim ahead.
Weekends, Lunch and Break
These are the times that any self respecting student craves. Make sure you stay with someone you are friends with “ no one likes a loner. Also, avoid any areas where you know there will be the type of people you want to avoid. For example, if there is a group of four boys (yes “ it’s the Marauders, back for another analogy!) who always sit under the same tree by the lake, avoid this area at all costs. It’s that simple.
The Great Hall at meal times can be difficult. There are usually lots of people all talking at once, or eating in a particularly grotesque fashion. Avert your eyes. Try and find a particular part of the long table that you always sit on, so that surroundings are familiar.
On weekends, there is sometimes little to do. If there is a Quidditch game on, make sure you attend, even if you do not particularly care for the game. Everyone will be there, and they will likely talk about the game for hours, if not days afterwards. You might as well join in, or at least know what they are talking about, otherwise you will feel left out, and bored.
If there is not a Quidditch game, weekends are the best time to get homework done, relax and pursue any hobbies you may, or may not, have. Also, if you are in third year or above, you can also visit Hogsmeade some weekends. Make sure you don’t go alone, and try and have fun. Yes, the f-word. Fun.
History of Magic “ How to sleep with open eyes
History of magic is by far the most boring class you will ever be forced to attend. However, it is compulsory, and you have to learn to deal with it. The main thing you have to remember is that it will always be boring. Always. The best thing to do is look at the Professor Binns and then daydream the whole time (or possibly note down the gist of what is being said, and then daydream). If a daydream wont come, there are many things you can think about to pass the time.
- Imagine you had one thousand galleons, and then decide what you would spend it all on “ be creative!
- Decide which animal each professor you have resembles most.
- Sing a song in your head that you know off by heart. Try and think of alternative lyrics.
- Imagine your dream house/bedroom and design it in detail in your head. Be creative.
- Guess teachers middle names, and make them as ridiculous as possible.
- Imagine outlandish, scandalous secrets that the Professors could harbor. Dumbledore’s affair with Professor Sprout, or McGonagall’s secret life of crime.
So, you see, the possibilities are endless. You could also pass notes with a friend, or play noughts and crosses, or maybe hangman.
Conclusion
Now that you are educated on ways to survive your new life at Hogwarts, my advice would be to try and get along as best as you can. This guide could be the difference between being successful, and being a waste of space, so memorise it! And don’t forget to put it in the First Year Girl’s Dorm next year too. Don’t hog the Survival Guide!
Good luck,
Your humble, yet brilliant educator, Lily Evans x
First year Hermione Granger finished reading the guide, and placed it carefully beside her. She quickly thanked this Lily Evans person for making a guide to survival in this strange place she was now living in. She paused, and thought for a moment, then scrambled to find a quill and some parchment.
“To Do List:
Research Lily Evans. Still alive? How old is this guide?
Identify who I can trust out of all the Dorm mates. Look for one of the friendly people, and offer to lend them a quill every now and again, until they are a friend.
Learn to set up a sound barrier. A girl is already snoring.
Make sure no one in the Dorm is a kleptomaniac. Make sure that I’M not a kleptomaniac.
Rename Mr Tiddles. Do not lose him.
Identify what “type” the teachers all are. Professor McGonagall looks shifty, read up on whether she has a secret life of crime.
Make a homework planner.
Practise pushing without force. Sounds crafty.
Never trust anyone who call themselves “The Marauders”.
MEMORISE GUIDE, AND MAKE A SHRINE TO LILY EVANS, AN ANGEL AMONGST BEINGS.”
AN: Well, tell me what you think! I adapted this from “A Guide to Secondary School” which I wrote a while ago, about my own school, and since I had hit a slight writer’s block with my other fic, I decided to take a break and convert this. It is only a one-shot and I will now be going back to my normal fic. Thanks for reading, leave a review!