Emma glanced at Lily who was biting her lip, staring at the floor. “That’s not really for me to tell, Sirius,” Emma said.
“Oh, come on! We told you all. It’s only bloody fair!” Sirius shouted angrily.
“It’s complicated,” Kylie said.
“It’s different,” Jess tried to explain.
“No, he’s right. They told us, so … it’s only fair,” Lily said softly.
“Are you sure?” Kylie asked her.
“Yeah. You guys tell them. I’m going to go take a walk somewhere.”
James looked at her. “Do you want me to come?”
Lily smiled sadly. “Don’t you want to hear too?”
James waved a hand in the air dismissively. “It doesn’t matter. Do you want me to come?”
Lily didn’t answer for a minute, but finally nodded her head, and they climbed out of the tower together.
Lily stayed silent as they walked, trying to hold the memories at bay, but they would not be kept out. James walked beside her supportively, not saying a word. He understood what she needed now was silence.
They were in the Entrance Hall before James realized Lily’s intended destination. “Lily! Lily, it’s pouring down rain. You can’t go outside!”
“It’s a warm day,” she answered, pulling open the giant door.
“But it’s raining!” James insisted.
“I like the rain,” she said simply, and stepped outside. She took a few steps out onto the grass and paused. She looked briefly up at the sky, before stretching out her arms and twirling about. She spun in a circle “ there was the castle, the lake, the forest “ again and again, faster and faster, until the world around her was a blur and everything made sense, because nothing made sense anymore. And then she stopped, so abruptly that she fell over and lay on her back, looking up at the dark sky. Raindrops pelted her face, disguising the single tear that she let slip down her face.
When it became apparent that she wasn’t getting up anytime soon, James stepped into the rain and sat down next to her. The ground was wet, and quickly soaked him through while rainwater collected on his glasses.
He sat there, getting wetter, waiting for Lily to break the silence.
“I’m the one who suggested it,” she admitted to him finally, speaking of why the girls had become Animagi.
James said nothing, only waited, afraid that to speak would be to interrupt her thoughts and silence her again. For now, he just needed to listen.
Even so, it was another few minutes before Lily said anything else, but when she did, she launched straight into her story, no warning, no introduction. Just a haunting memory.
“It was sunny out. Not a cloud in the sky, a slight breeze. A beautiful day. Kylie, Emma, Jess, and I were in Diagon Alley for the day, buying all our school supplies. It was the summer before fifth year. My parents stayed home, but Petunia was spending the day with her boyfriend Vernon.
“We finished shopping, and took the train home. We were all staying at my house for the week. My house was about two miles from the trainstop “ all alone. We walked home. It was nearly dark when we arrived.”
Up until that point, Lily’s voice had been steady and dull. She had kept it free of emotion, but when she started again, her voice was shaking, and James thought she was close to tears.
“They were there. Putting up the Dark Mark. There was nothing we could do. We hid in the trees until they left. They killed my parents. I don’t even know why. They were bloody Muggles that never did anything wrong. But they killed them.”
Lily sat up, rubbing at her eyes, and James put his arms about her. She broke into a full wave of tears. It had been so horrible. She had put it out of her mind for so long, and now retelling it was like reliving it. The horror of coming home to those dark figures in masks and hoods, the green image floating above her home. Her gasp of terror, and her friends, looking awkwardly from her to the house and back, not knowing what to say.
After a few minutes, when the tears had slowed, she wiped her eyes dry and continued talking. “We were talking later. Jess and Kylie thought they were after me for one reason or another. We realized that if they were after me, when they came for me, whether I was with the other Marauderesses or not, we didn’t stand a chance. We couldn’t fight them. You can’t hide, or run. They find you eventually. And then, we thought, there was a way we could hide, and run, and they would never know. Maybe. And so,” Lily stopped.
“So you became Animagi,” James finished. Lily nodded.
James took a hesitant breath. “I know that maybe seem like you’re only defense but … the Death Eaters are cold, heartless people and - ”
“They killed my parents for no reason,” Lily said coldly, interrupting him. “Don’t you think I know that?”
“What I mean is, if … if they really are after you, and they show up and find an empty house, they’ll be angry. And if they see something, anything, even a little fox, they’ll kill it instead, just for fun, to take out their anger on it,” James tried to keep his voice calm, tried not to let the worry seep through.
Lily nodded. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” She paused for a moment. “Well, no. I mean, I know that it was never really a logical … well, a good idea, but it was something to do. It felt good to be doing something. It distracted me, for a while, at least. I could think about getting the spell right, rather than my parents.”
The next day, Lily didn’t speak to anyone. If she was asked a question, it was “yes,” “no,” or “I don’t care.” She didn’t go to Great Hall once “ didn’t eat anything. She spent the whole day sitting in a large armchair in front of the fire in the common room, with an unread book open in her lap.
Lily kept up her silence for the next three days. She went to class, did all her work, all her homework, and didn’t say a word. She popped into the Great Hall at dinner times, but never stayed “ always disappeared up to Gryffindor Tower to eat.
James had been watching her carefully, waiting for her to start talking again.
At dinner on the fourth day of her muteness, James watched her come in, grab a few pieces of bread, and leave right away. She was avoiding people entirely by now, not giving anyone even a chance to talk to her.
“I’m really worried about her,” James said to the others.
”We all are!” Emma said. “But what else can we do?”
“We’ve tried to talk to her,” Jess said.
“We’ve tried getting her to do stuff,” Peter added.
“I know!” James ruffled his hair in frustration. “I know. Was she like this after it actually happened?”
Kylie shook her head. “She took it really well. She didn’t talk about it or anything. I don’t think she ever even cried …” Kylie slowed down, as she realized what she was saying. “Shit! She’s been keeping it in all this time! That stupid cow! What was she bloody thinking?”
James didn’t hear the rest of Kylie’s curses. He was out of his seat and halfway out of the Great Hall before the others could even move.
When he reached the tower, he took a few deep breaths, and slipped quietly through the portrait hole. James found her sitting in a large armchair, staring absently into the fire. Her knees were brought against her chest, and her arms were wrapped around them.
James quietly walked over and obviously sat down in the chair next to Lily’s. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked her for the hundredth time.
Lily stared into the fireplace as the flames danced about and crackled merrily. James looked over at Lily. He could see the reflection of the flames in her eyes. He reckoned she had already forgotten he was even there.
“Have you done your Potions essay yet?” he asked, trying a different approach.
She nodded absently.
“How long is yours?”
Lily shrugged indifferently. At least she was responding.
“Do you know Andy Letton?” James asked her, but she didn’t answer. He continued anyway. “Well, he’s the Hufflepuff Quidditch captain, and he was telling about this thing, this Inner Net. Do you know anything about it?”
“Internet,” she corrected him softly, her eyes still locked on the fireplace.
“Yeah! That thing! Anyway, he was saying how Muggles use it and they can talk to each other on it. They can write something, and then someone else across an ocean can read it in a minute! Is that true?”
“Yeah, I guess,” she mumbled, shrugging.
“And he also said that every Muggle has one in their home. Do they really? It seems a little ridiculous that they depend on it so much,” he said.
“”Yeah,” was all Lily answered. James didn’t know what she was saying “yeah” too “ all Muggles having it, or it being ridiculous. But it didn’t matter. As long as she was answering in some way.
“Speaking, ah, speaking of homes,” James began cautiously, “Where … where have you been living?”
He saw a tear spilling down her cheek before she suddenly hopped up out of her chair and scurried over to his, nestling in beside him. James folded her into arms protectively.
“Petunia and I have a flat,” Lily answered. She sensed his surprise and continued before he could even ask. “She was already eighteen at the time, and could legally live on her own. I would have been sent to an orphanage for a year, and she doesn’t hate me all that much.”
“Does she … hate you because of what happened?” James asked gently.
“Well, that really didn’t help anything, but she didn’t like me even before that,” Lily said. She was rather used to the fact that her only living family detested her, and so said it quite matter-of-factly.
“Why is that?” James asked.
To his surprise, Lily actually giggled. James smiled in relief. This was good.
“Well, it’s actually quite funny. When I was little, I did some magic accidentally, you know how that is, and well, she was almost eleven. Anyway, there was a misunderstanding somewhere at the Ministry, and she got a letter to come to Hogwarts. She made it about a month into term before they realized she was a Muggle, through and through. So she was sent home and when I got my letter and really was a witch … well, she was more than a little jealous, let me tell you.”
“So, she hates you because … she’s not a witch?” James clarified.
“Yeah, basically.”
“But you two live together?”
“Well, yes. In a way. When we’re on holiday here and I go home, she always stays over Vernon’s house, or with one of her other friends. We never actually live together. She used to be okay, after I got my letter and all. She could still stand to be in the same room as me, back then. Things weren’t the same between us, but she at least would talk to me occasionally. But after,” Lily paused to blink back tears, “after fifth year, she didn’t want to ever be around me. Seemed to think I was back luck, or something. Silly cow.” Lily rubbed at her eyes furiously.
“Lily, it’s okay to cry sometimes,” James told her.
Lily shook her head. “No. It’s not. Crying is a weakness. I can’t take control of my life if I can’t even keep a hold of my tears, now can I?”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, Lily,” James told her.
Lily giggled.
“I’m serious, Lils. That’s completely mental!”
Lily laughed even harder at that, and soon her laughter turned into tears. Tears that had been held in for two years. Tears that needed to be let go.
She cried into James’ shoulder, taking comfort in his warmth and strength and solidity. James held her and let her cry, her tears dripping down her face and onto his shirt, soaking his shoulder.
After there were no more tears left in her, she pulled away and wiped at her eyes again.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“For what?” James asked.
“For being here. For letting me cry. For listening. For knowing I needed to talk,” she said. Her voice dropped to a whisper again. “For not giving up on me when I wouldn’t go out with you for five years. You’re all I’ve got now.”
“That’s not true!” James protested, but Lily shushed him quickly.
“It is! It is true. So, thank you. For always being here when I need you.”
“I’ll always be here, Lily,” he whispered. “By your side. Forever.”